"Once in a while it really hits people
that they don't have to experience the world
in the way they have been told to."
-Alan Keightley
Sometimes i find myself thinking of
the strangest things, and at the strangest of times. Like now, at work while i take
a small break, my mind drifts off to the thread of an idea about what i would do if i
found myself back out in the "vanilla" world. i just cant imagine it
anymore and i admit to feeling a certain level of concern about that.
It seems i function best within the realm of a
D/s relationship. i truly like the clearly defined *roles* (and i hesitate to use
that word as it connotes a certain level of play-acting that i don't believe is part of my
reality at all. i am very sincere in my understanding of my submission). Master and
i touched on this conversation over the weekend and we both agreed to liking the fact that
having the definition of where we "fit" together seems to work to our
advantage. i am comfortable with the idea that my thoughts and opinions are asked
for and respected and acted upon, or not. i am also comfortable with the knowledge
that Master has final say and accepts the responsibility for this, knowing that He also
takes responsibility for my well-being in the process. i like being able to trust
Someone that much. In the past, i had thrust upon me the responsibility of
being the decision-maker and this was never been a comfortable place for me. Yes, i
definitely can take and maintain control. i spend my days at work deciding and
planning and organizing, and having final say about most things. But this is not
done on an emotional level. And when the day is done i am tired of wearing this
"hat". When i find myself in a relationship where i have to make the emotional
decisions as well, i get edgy and unsure. In fact, i just get plain cranky! i
am finding the D/s lifestyle that Master and i share, is allowing me the opportunity of
embracing a calmness i have not experienced before. Like the proverbial moth to a
light, i am drawn to this.
Another aspect of *vanilla vs D/s*
and where i fit, is in the physical. It isn't that i am totally focused on
that particular area (although i admit i love it all!), but it has occurred to me that
finding a like-minded partner within the lifestyle, just isn't that easy. And,
(putting my hands over Master's ears), as i age, i imagine my choices will narrow
somewhat. Well, unless i find some nice old gent sharing the same nursing home as
i, who has the right amount of imagination to think of more creative uses for a walker
:) (This is all speculative of course, and based on the assumption that Master has
gotten rid of me for some reason or another)
But seriously, if i should find myself alone
one day, for whatever horrible reasons that resulted in my not being with Master anymore
(this makes me nervous just thinking about it)... then i would be once again making a
choice of staying alone, or entering a vanilla relationship, or finding the right guy with
a mean flogger arm. Staying alone is not something i am interested in. If i
have learned nothing else in my 40-something years, i have learned i don't like being
alone. Finding the right flogger arm isn't that easy either, because of the
seemingly limited numbers of people involved in the lifestyle. Which leaves me with
the possibility of having to return to a vanilla state. i don't like that option.
And sure, said vanilla could learn about my likes and dislikes, but that doesn't
mean he will feel as strongly about this as i do. In fact, "this" is
perhaps the most major problem for the hubster, who has blissfully gone back to his own
vanilla preferences with new partners.
i don't mean to imply that this is all about
the toys used in BDSM, however. Yes, i love floggers and whips and knives and
... well you get the idea. But i think i love more, the intellectual and emotional
flavour of this lifestyle. i like hearing a voice rasping harshly in my ear;
"what are you... who are you.. you are MY ......" i like the place it puts
my head. i like being told that i am not allowed to wear panties without expressly
asking permission and being prepared with a good reason. Master says what appeals to
Him is the knowledge that He can end any conversation as He chooses too. i can hear
femi-nazi's everywhere, screaming as i agree with Him. But i believe it is this very
type of power-exchange that allows us to keep things even and stable, and not spiraling
out of control in a sea of miscommunications.
And this is another area i feel is greatly
enhanced in the D/s reality of my life; communication. Hours are spent talking and
sharing ideas, which allows for the necessary groundwork to be covered and used when such
times as an issue comes up that needs a decision. And because Master is ultimately
responsible for my well-being in many cases, His paying attention and my sharing of
thought becomes extremely important. When i have difficulty expressing (which
happens to me often) then He waits patiently until i can, even if it means delaying making
a decision. And yes, His stopping a conversation mid-stream might sound extreme to
many, but He also has the right to restart the topic when it might be a better and calmer
time to discuss it. i think His knowing the correct timing of this would be much
more difficult to do, than me having to stop talking about the topic. There are many
times when this option has worked out very well. Times when the stress of a
situation has me wound up tight inside and irrational thinking blurs my common sense.
All He needs to say is "lower your shoulders and breathe"... and i know
it is time to stop. It also allows both of us the time necessary to evaluate the
situation more objectively, and then address it with clearer conclusions.
So, lots of words and thoughts from me today, when i am supposed to be working! And now i am off to get some of the things i get paid for, done. :)