Punishments
and circles
i had trouble concentrating at work
today. my mind kept drifting back to the weekend spent with Master. And also trying to
memorize my latest task, which is sonnet 57 by William Shakespeare. One word for that:
sheeeesh!
i left on Friday, after work, to visit Him.
i have to admit that this particular weekend, i was nervous of my reception,
because the evening before i had done something to disappoint Him. Okay, so i
disappointed myself as well, not to mention how shaky my body felt. i had
overindulged in several glasses of white wine, then thought i was still capable of
driving. In fact, i wasn't, and drove myself into a ditch, on the opposite side of
the road i was supposed to be on. i wish i could remember the name of the road.
i wish i had pulled over and waited for help, which was somewhere in the back of my
mind when i called my house, using my cellphone. But apparently i decided to be
stubborn. i can only conclude there was a "higher being" looking after me,
'cause i am still here to talk about the night.
So i was very nervous about how Master would
react to all this. i spent the better part of the day stewing and fussing and
feeling really upset with myself, that i had disappointed Him. As the day wore on, i
began realizing
however, that i had let myself down as well. i had allowed myself to slip back to a
long-ago pattern of self-destructiveness. The difference this time though, was that
i recognized the pattern immediately. And as i said
to Him, i hadn't ever had to worry about disappointing someone else before.
i found myself standing at His front door, as
He rode up on His bike and my senses blended into a mix of trepidation and arousal as i
looked at Him. (usually it is just the arousal part, but don't tell Him that! *g*)
We went
inside briefly to drop off my bag and for Him to change, then walked down to the local
restaurant for something to eat. On the way there the topic of my driving adventure
was discussed, and about how well i did getting
everyone upset with me. He did tease a bit about how i was hanging my head like a
child.
i don't know what i expected in way of a
reprimand, but it wasn't anything like i had imagined, and i think for that reason it has
stayed with me. He didn't yell at me (like people in past relationships have).
He didn't decree
"punishment strokes", that i would have to further stew about, wondering when i
would get them. He just waited calmly until we were seated, then held my gaze
strongly within His own and stated firmly: "you aren't ever
going to disappoint Me like that again, are you". And it wasn't a question.
After receiving my assurance that i wouldn't, He said it was finished then, and i
was left to digest how i felt inside. Which i suppose is what i am
attempting to explain now, days later.
He put the responsibility of punishment on my
shoulders. He didn't offer any way of easing it from my mind. i wasn't
able to focus on being berated by anyone other than myself, nor have the sting of a cane
to focus on instead.
i had to face the reality of my actions by myself. i think this is why it had so
much more impact. This was not some "bratty sub" thing i had done, easily
and perhaps welcomingly handled with a good swat. i had put my life, and perhaps
someone else's, in jeopardy.
i let Him down. i let me down. And it isn't
about a child being punished for each and every small misdemeanor. It is about an
adult being responsible for herself, and being responsible to Him, because her behaviour
ultimately reflects poorly or favorably upon Him. Who she is, is an extension
of who He is.
And the circle continues as it should.
