Fallout
i guess as my life around me changes, and people are finally starting to notice, i expected a bit of fall-out. i am not surprised by the lack of support i seem to be experiencing, but it rankles just the same. First of all, the very fact that it took them months to even become aware that i was changing, indicates a huge level of indifference to me. And now, it seems sides will be taken.
i had drinks with a friend the other night (whom i shall refer to as Mike). We haven't seen each other in many, many months, but in previous years, we had enjoyed a delightful camaraderie. Often we would get together for lunch, or a bike ride. We shared good times and bad times and many an evening we would compare sorrows, or have friendly political arguments. Hubster never liked the fact that we had that closeness, but i realize now i needed this person to be my friend and confidant.
So the other evening, when we met, although we were both a bit nervous because of the amount of time that had passed by without contact, it wasn't very long at all before we were back to our chatty selves. Interestingly enough, Mike is one person whom i have never "clammed up" on. i have always found it fairly easy to talk to him. It is as though we have known each other forever and on some levels it feels like we are siblings. Even on a friendly rivalry level, which we both enjoy.
We started with light conversation, about what we were doing career wise, and how he had recently purchased a new home. But it wasn't long before the talk turned to more personal matters and i found myself explaining about Master and about D/s. i fully expected at this point, to be confronted by any number of reasons as to why what i was doing was wrong. i was pleasantly surprised when not only did he offer full support, but also expressed a curiosity about D/s in general. Not just how it affected me, but how i view it as opposed to how mainstream society attempts to explain it.
At one point Mike turned to me and said "but i always felt you were a strong woman". And i replied that i was, just that in the past i hadn't been strong for all the right reasons. i certainly was "tough" enough to be a survivor under many adverse conditions, but i had never had the strength to face myself. As i contemplate that now, i wonder just how many people are that strong, or do they merely drift along in life like i was, not knowing what they are missing. Or maybe they are just content enough, whereas i always felt unsettled.
His comment however, i feel emphasizes one fallacy that society seems to be buying into, and that is that the D/s world is filled with strong, overbearing men whom prey upon weak-willed or helpless females. Big bullies picking on little girls. And maybe there are cases like that, where "but this is D/s" is the excuse used to get away with being the bully. But that isn't how i feel i am experiencing all this at all. i have never felt as much in control of myself as i do now. And i believe i am strong, especially in my ability to allow Another to have my control. i also feel it has made me wiser; smarter about people and perhaps a bit more tolerant of their own idiosyncracies. Most important for me however, was learning to trust myself, and to trust Someone enough to take care of, and appreciate, what i offer.
And here i have to remind myself that not everyone has a submissive or Dominant personality. i get so caught up in the glow of finally understanding what it is that makes me "tick" that i forget there aren't that many that think like me. Or maybe there are, but they aren't ready to talk about it yet :)
Anyway, it was refreshing to have a supporter in my camp, coming from the "vanilla" world. There haven't been many; one friend insists i am merely brainwashed and should have had an affair behind the hubster's back, to get it out of my system. Another has told the hubster that i am nuts, and how could i neglect such a fine man as him? The buddies come by and stay outside to talk to him, and are polite but remote toward me. Their wives/girlfriends don't call. It amazes me daily, how they can overlook the fact that the hubster has a girlfriend, and has expressed his wish, for years, of being able to be single again.
In a lot of ways, i have become an "oddity"amongst those who think they know me. They don't know what to say to me; their discomfort is obvious. The comment is frequently made that this is something i will "get over". i know a lot of this could have been avoided if i had told them all i was just having an affair, in reply to the questions. At least that they can comprehend. D/s transcends their versions of reality. And my constant, upbeat and floaty demeanor probably confuses them more.
People hear, and see, what they want too. i guess if they genuinely wish to listen, they'll come find me.