AIRLINE JOKES

Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

AIRCARGO TRACKING - HOME

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean." The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side."
After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... "Thank You For Flying Lufthansa."

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airline are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin to panic. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief, and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to get used to us flying this thing, not scream and then we'll be screwed!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."

Pilot says: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Airline Abbrevations

AA (American Airlines):
1. Always Awful
2. Abort! Abort!

AI (Air India):
Allah Informed

Alitalia:
1. Always Late In Takeoff/ Transit; Always Late In Arrival
2. Air Line In Tokyo And Luggage In Amsterdam
3. Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
4. A Little Italian Tit And Lotsa Italitan Ass
5. A Little Italian Tradition And Lotsa Italian Attitude

American:
1. A Miracle Each Rider Is Currently Alive Now
2. Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps And Nausea

AUA: Almost Unknown Airline

AWA: Always Wasting Assets

BA:
1. Bloody Awful
2. British Apoplectic

BEA: Better Eat Afterwards

BOAC (British Overseas Airways Corp.):
1. Better- Off On A Camel
2. Bloody, Old And Careless
3. Better On A Camel
4. Blast Off And Crash

Boeing: Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens

BWIA:
1. Baggage Wandering In Africa
2. Better Walk If you're Able
3. Born to Wait In Airports
4. But Will I Arrive?

CA (China Airlines): Choose Another

CAAC (Chinese Avation Airline Company):
1. Chinese Airlines Always Cancel
2. China Airlines Always Crashes

CAI (Canadian Aitlines International):
1. Crash And Ignite
2. Call Ambulance Immediately
3. Circle Airport Indefinitely
4. Cruise Above Iceland
5. Cancel Alaskan Itinerary
6. Call Attendants " Idiots"
7. Check All Items
8. Co-pilots Are Imbeciles
9. Casual Atmosphere Inside

CPA (Canadian Airlines International): Can't Promise Anything

Dan Air: Dangerous And Nearly Always Incredibly Rough

DELTA:
1. Doesn't Even/ Ever Leave The Airport
2. Don't Even Let Them Aboard
3. Departing Even Later Than Anticipated
4. Damaged Engines Limit Take-off Ability
5. Departures Extra- Late, Tardy Arrivals
6. Directed Everybody's Luggage To Atlanta
7. Doesn't Ever Let Terrorists Aboard
8. Doesn't Experiences Like This Andrenalize?
9. Drunken Engineers Land Too Abruptly

EAA: Even Apes Aviate

EAL (Eastern): Eastern's Always Late

El Al:
1. Egyptian Louting Arab Loathing
2. Every Landing Always Late/ Lousy
3. Everyones Luggage Always Lost

Finnair: Flies Ideally? Nah, Not Airbourne In Reality

JAL: Journey Always Late

JAT (Yugoslav Airlines): Joke About Time

LOT (Polish Airlines):
1. Last One There
2. Luggage On Tarmack (wave bye bye!)
3. Lots Of Trouble

Liat:
1. Luggage Is Always Tardy
2. Lost Inbetween Antigua and Trinidad
3. Leave Island Any Time

LUFTHANSA:
1. Let Us Fuck The Horses, Are No Stewardesses Available?
2. Let Us Fiddle The Hostess And Not Say Anything
3. Let Us Fuck The Hostess And Never See Again

Northwest: Nobody Out Ranks This Horrid, Worthless,
Excruciatingly Sluggish Transport

Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash

PA (Philippine Airways): Please Avoid
PAL (Philippine Airlines): Philippines/ Plane Always Late

PAN AM:
1. Plan On Arriving Nervewracked And Mad
2. Passengers Always Need A Mortician
3. Pilots Are Not A Must
4. Poor Airline Needs Any Money

PIA (Pakistan International Airlines):
1. Please Inform Allah
2. Panic In Air
3. Perhaps I Arrive
4. Passenger's Illegal Abductor

PSA: Paul's Saturday Airline

PWA:
1. Pete's Wobbly Airline
2. Piddly Widdly Airline
3. Please Wait Awhile

Qantas:
1. Queer And Nasty Types As Stewards
2. Queasy And Nauseous, Tired And Sick
3. Queers And Nymphomaniacs Trained As Stewards
4. Quick And Nasty Transportation, Australian Style
5. Quite A Neat Trick, Arriving Safely
6. Quite A Nice Trip, Any Survivors?
7. Quits Air-travel, Next Time Approaches Ship

Sabena (Belgium): Such A Bad/ Bloody Experience, Never Again

SAHSA (Servicio Aero Honduras SA): Stay At Home, Stay Alive

SAS (Scandinavian Airline System):
1. Sweet And Sexy
2. Sex And Service
3. Service After Sex
4. Sex And Satisfaction
5. Such A S***

SIA (Singapore International Airlines):
1. So Incredible, Aah
2. Sex In the Air
3. Singapore Imitates America

TACA: 1. Take- A- Chance Airline
2. Take Another Carrier Always
3. Take A Coffin Along
4. Tome Alcohol Cuanda Aborda

TAP (Portuguese Airlines):
1. Take Another Plane
2. Take A Parachute

Thy: They Hate You

TWA (Transworld Airlines):
1. Travel Without Arrival
2. Try Walking, Asshole
3. Try Walking Again/ Across
4. The Worst Airline
5. Took Wrong Airline
6. Try Walking Across (transatlantic perspective)
7. Travel With Arabs
8. Terrorist Welcome Aboard
9. Terrorists With Arms
10. Teenie Weenie Airlines
11. Traveling Without Air
12. Tiny Wings Aflappin'!!!
13. That Was Accidental
14. That Was Awful
15. Try With Another
16. Today's Worst Airline
17. Tomorrow We'll Arrive
18. Tomorrow's Widebody Accident
19. Totally Wasted Airlines

United:
1. U Need Insurance That Exempts Death
2. Usually Not Enclined To Eliminate Disasters

USAir (formerly Allegheny Airlines):
1. Unfortunately, Still Alleghany In Reality
2. Underwater Seats Available In Rear Uta:
1. Unlikely To Arrive
2. Unable To Ascend

Varig: Virgin's Are Rare In Glasgow

Virgin: Very Interesting Ride; Going Into Nymphos

Airline Sound-alikes

Aer Lingus: Aer Fungus
Aeroperu: Aeroperhaps
Air Afrique: Air Freak(out)
Air Canada: Err Canada
Air France: Air Chance
Air Wisconsin: Scare Wisconsin
Alleghany Air: Agony Air (USAir since many years)
British Airways: 1. Brutish Airways 2. Brutish Scareways
Cascade Airways: Crashcade Scareways
Continental: Contemptible
Lufthansa: Lusthansa
Midwest Express: Midwest Excess (True, but worth it)
Mohawk: Slowhawk
Northwest: 1. Northworst 2. Northwaste
People Express: 1. CattleCar Express 2. People Distress 3. People Compress
Piedmont: Piedmonster (merged with USAir)
QuebecAir: Quick Air
TWA: TightWad Airlines
United: Untied
US Air: 1. Useless Air 2. US Scare 3. YouSAir
4. USAirheads

Slogans

Delta:
"We love to fly and it's close"
"We love to show our flies"

Eastern: Who?

Mexicana: Where being Late is Fashionable

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