Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
|AIR CARGO NEWS
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power
to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean." The passengers
were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted
by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa
have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange
your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the
plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side."
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered.
They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get
there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airline are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."
Pilot says: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
AA (American Airlines):
AI (Air India):
AUA: Almost Unknown Airline
AWA: Always Wasting Assets
BEA: Better Eat Afterwards
BOAC (British Overseas Airways Corp.):
Boeing: Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens
CA (China Airlines): Choose Another
CAAC (Chinese Avation Airline Company):
CAI (Canadian Aitlines International):
CPA (Canadian Airlines International): Can't Promise Anything
Dan Air: Dangerous And Nearly Always Incredibly Rough
EAA: Even Apes Aviate
EAL (Eastern): Eastern's Always Late
Finnair: Flies Ideally? Nah, Not Airbourne In Reality
JAL: Journey Always Late
JAT (Yugoslav Airlines): Joke About Time
LOT (Polish Airlines):
Northwest: Nobody Out Ranks This Horrid, Worthless,
Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
PA (Philippine Airways): Please Avoid
PIA (Pakistan International Airlines):
PSA: Paul's Saturday Airline
Sabena (Belgium): Such A Bad/ Bloody Experience, Never Again
SAHSA (Servicio Aero Honduras SA): Stay At Home, Stay Alive
SAS (Scandinavian Airline System):
SIA (Singapore International Airlines):
TACA: 1. Take- A- Chance Airline
TAP (Portuguese Airlines):
Thy: They Hate You
TWA (Transworld Airlines):
USAir (formerly Allegheny Airlines):
Varig: Virgin's Are Rare In Glasgow
Virgin: Very Interesting Ride; Going Into Nymphos
Aer Lingus: Aer Fungus
Mexicana: Where being Late is Fashionable
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