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ok, i sent an email earlier, and i THINK i sent it to my father, but im not sure. im pretty sure this was the email address he gave me, but i dont know for sure. then again, how many ldistefano@hotmail.com's can there be?! ok, so, assuming i am writing to my father, and not some random person ive never met in my life, ill continue with what i have to say. first off, thank you for the birthday card, i got it thursday. i read that kaylie will be coming to see you in july. as much as i would love to come and visit with her, i cant. im already committed to something in the second week of july. my P.E. teacher chose me to help her with her presentation to get her master's degree. she had to choose a "student example" from one of her classes, and she chose me. i love my classes this year...straight a's except for math, which i just failed my math midterm in. it was completely unfair, though, we had like 50 minutes to finish and check over a 60 question test. and now my stupid teacher wont even let me re-take it. so, now my mom thinks im being too hard on myself, and over-studying, which totally isnt true, because if i WAS i wouldnt be failing midterms would i?!...i think not. im very persuasive with my teachers, which is good lol. i scared a few people with a poem i wrote just a while back. my mom nearly keeled over when she read it. i swear her eyes doubled in size. my friends are good...my love life...non-existent. but i dont mind, i dont have time for anything but homework these days...that and combo practice and some MSN now and then. ( combo is a little jazz group that im in, im lead alto sax and we practice every thursday) im going to edmonton in april, for a band trip...my poor mom, every time i turn around she has to pay more and more. i feel really bad, but i cant help it...school is costing so much, and they just raised tuition again for the third time in 2 yrs, so by the time im old enough to actually go to college, i wont be able to afford it. but im doing ok in school right now, and i hope i can continue in honours math. honours is a program where you basically skip a grade in math. so now, instead of being in grade 9 math, with most of my friends, im a year ahead of them, in grade 10 math. i got conacts, finally. theyre no party...however, theyre a little more convenient than glasses are. um, a lot's changed about me. im not really much like i used to be. my physical appearance has definitely changed, but my personality and my whole disposition has just...changed. im not really sure how to even describe it. ive just...i guess grown up alot lately. i cant really describe it, but ive just realized that i dont need to question myself so much. ive learned to trust myself more, and realize what im capable of, and what im not. its helped me tremendously this year. (i got proof of that when i raised my gym mark to 97.9%) i realized that, just because someone doesnt like me, or doesnt want anything to do with me, doesnt mean there's something wrong with me. i spent far too much time questioning myself, about things such as why you haven't been around, why i haven't seen you since i was 8, and why people less mature than myself didnt like me. but im through with that. i have better, and more productive things to spend my time on than thinking about other peoples' problems, and frankly, i dont care why people dont like me, i dont care why you havent been around, and i dont care why i haven't seen you since i was 8. im content with myself, and that is a very big thing for me, becuase ive always been uncomfortable. i mean, im not saying im perfect by any means, becasue that just isnt true. all im saying, is that i like the way i am now. ive never been able to honestly say that before. my view on a lot of things has changed, which im very grateful for. i feel that i can do alot more, and feel comfortable doing things, simply because of this realization that im not, and never will be perfect. although im still a perfectionist...to a fault. but thats something, i cant really help. however, i dont want to. i like being a perfectionist, and i like the fact that my work is always thorough and well-done. its just kind of a comfort to me, as cheesey as that may sound. but a much as ive "grown up", i still get really nervous, and insecure about some things. take this email, for example. i wasnt sure that i wanted to try and contact you again. although i have to admit, this letter isnt turning out the way i had planned it to. i wasnt going to talk about how things are in my life, i was kind of planning on asking you all kinds of questions, but now that i think about it, i might not. i just dont know what to say to you anymore. i mean, i havent seen you in seven years, and i havent really spoken to you much in like four. i dont know whether its the divorce, the fact that youre busy, or the fact that you dont want anything to do with me. honeslty, i cant tell. ive been thinking of this for so long, and wondering why you never call, or write that ive driven myself crazy. i got to the point that whenever someone would say "oh, its his loss if he doesnt see you or talk to you" i would burst into tears, because i didnt know WHY you didnt want to talk to me. i didnt know what was so horrible about me, that my own father couldnt stand me. i drove myself crazy thinking of, and naming every little detail that wouldve made you hate me...was i too annoying? too stupid? too fat? what the hell is so wrong with me, that my dad wont listen to me? thats how i thought. i would bawl and bawl because i just couldnt figure it out. and you know how i overcame that? i basically blocked it all out of my mind. all the emotional shit that i didnt need, or want for that matter, at 12, 13, 14 years old. i blocked it all out of my mind, and told everyone "oh, im fine, youre right, its his loss, i dont care" but i did care...i DO care, you cant heal emotional wounds by saying that you just dont care, and trust me, ive tried. and why are u suddenly taking an interest in having me come to visit? and how do i know that youre being sincere about wanting to see me, and not like all the other times when they, conveniently enough for you, didnt work out?! sorry to sound like a bitch, but how do i know ur not just screwing with my head again?! because i cant take anymore of this stupid emotional bullshit that i DO NOT need! so how do i know that u really wanna actually get to know me better, and spend time with me? the thing is i DONT! and if i cant tell that much, then i dont want to be in contact with u. because im not putting more stress on myself. the ball is in your court now. its up to YOU to prove that u do actually care about me. because so far, i havent seen it. and i realize that u live a country away, and that its expensive to call, but holy god, a 5 minute phone call or a short letter every few weeks wouldnt put you into bankruptcy! the only thing that has prevented me from contacting you was my fear of rejection. i couldnt bear the thought of what you might say to me if i wrote to you. but im fed up, ive had enough of being scared and helpess. im done. because when i was thinking that way, it got so bad, that i actually thought seriously about suicide, and that is not acceptable for a 15 year old girl, just because of her father. im sorry to be so harsh, and raw with you, but i have been living through this hell all my life, and i thought it was about time you realized it too. it would be greatly appreciated if you could reply to this email with the answers to my questions, and Kristi's current email address/phone number/address, as i would like to contact her and my sisters. thank you. amanda
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