"Play it with kick. Music's not supposed to be a chore. It's supposed to be fun. Remember that and you'll go
far." - Paddy Keenan
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Going to war with the French is like going deer hunting with an accordion." - Norman Schwartzkoph
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Dylan - "Chow crazy!"
Chow - "No! You crazy!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Fuck off." - Sid Vicious
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Oh well...I'm out like a blind kid in laser tag." - Laura
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Always helping our customers succeed...today and in the future." - www.foss.com
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Coach Burnett - "Foul!!!"
Me - "What?! Foul?! Coach, that ball was as fair as Taddei is fat!"
Taddei - "You wanna die?!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Mills - "Yeah, my grandfather was a Nazi, but he didn't shoot any Jews. He just shoveled them straight into the
oven."
Mrs. Lynch - "Oh...my...God..."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which he proposes to pay off with your money."
- G. Gordon Liddy
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Kyle - "I know the answer, Mr. Garrison!"
Cartman *mockingly* - "I know the answer, Mr. Garrison!"
Kyle - "Shut up, fat boy!"
Cartman - "Hey! Don't call me fat, you fuckin Jew!"
Mr. Garrison - "Eric! Did you just say the F word?!"
Cartman - "...Jew?"
Kyle - "No, he's talking about fuck. You can't say fuck in school, you fucking fat ass."
Mr. Garrison - "Kyle!"
Cartman - "Why the fuck not?"
Mr. Garrison - "Eric!"
Stan - "Dude! You just said fuck again!"
Mr. Garrison - "Stanley!"
Kenny - "*mumble*"
Mr. Garrison - "Kenny!"
Cartman - "What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody...fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck."
Mr. Garrison - "How would you like to go see the school counselor?!"
Cartman - "How would you like to suck my balls?!"
Mr. Garrison - "What?! What did you say?!"
Cartman - "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what I said was...*pulls out megaphone*...HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS,
MR. GARRISON?!"
Stan - "...Holy shit, dude."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
((*Me and Erin talking about her future and unevitable fight with Vinacco*))
Me - "Hahaha! I can see it
now...
Nick - 'Jesus Christ! I can't take it anymore! Throw in the towel!'
Manager (me) - 'I can't! Erin ate the fucking towel!'
Nick
- "FUUUUUCK!"
Erin - "HAHAHAHA! QUOTE PAGE!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Fry - "Why's the ball on a string?"
Leela - "It's traditional. Like aluminum bats and the 7th inning grope." - Futurama
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Fry - "Hey look! It's Bender!"
Bender - "Death to humans!!!"
Fry - "Ahhh...it's good to hear his voice..." - Futurama
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Garrepy - "Come here, Kane...if you're able!"
Johnson - "He killed him. He can't be."
Me - "Haha...thanks for saving me the aggrivation."
Johnson - "Anytime."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Man. Both of us in the same room must be unbearable for non-hot folk." - Ayla
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Me - *Hugs Wayne* "ALL I WANT IS LOVE!!!"
Wayne - *stunned look* "All I want is a restraining order."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Meghan - "Wait! Wait! You went to Florida?! And you didn't bring ME!"
Me - "Well, if you had let me know earlier, I would have smuggled you down there by letting you stay in my suitcase."
Meghan - "No! Fuck you! You went to Florida...with all those guys...and you didn't bring ME!!!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Professor - "Ahh! What are those horrible orange creatures?!"
Worm - "Those are the Grunga Lungas. They work here at the factory."
Professor - "Tell them I hate them." - Futurama
______________________________________________________________________________________________
*talking about an itchy sweater*
"Anything that isn't covered, it'll be itchy. Thank God for bras." - Ayla
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Frank's ironing his clothes. So, I'll come back and the room will be on fire." - Burke
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Me - "I love your mom."
Jon - "I know, but my dad might be a little upset about that."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
*watching TV, Welch's grape juice commercial comes on*
Jon - "Stupid little gook! Why didn't we kill your parents in Vietnam?!"
Me - "Holy shit, dude!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
*Another Welch's commercial*
Jon - "Oh great...another fucking gook on TV..."
Me - "Seriously dude!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Me - "Seriously! Mr. Kirkowski is being such a damn tool shed."
Foss - "Does that mean that Fen's inside him?"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Mrs. Marcinko - "*looking through Jon's wallet* Wait, is there anything in here that I shouldn't see?"
Jon - "...What?"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Meg - "If a guy has a personality and is a nice guy, even if he's the ugliest thing God has ever created, a girl
will like him over the hottest jackass."
Foss - "*takes razor* I'll miss you all! *walks into bathroom and locks door*
*Loud thump is heard*
Me - "Oh shit."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
*Plane lands in Orlando at a screeching halt*
Foss - "Hey, wouldn't it suck if the plane skids out and swerves and flips?"
Vinacco - "Haha, yeah right."
*Plane swerves and slides*
Vinacco - *screams*
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Foss - "MEG BROKE MY FINGER!!!"
(In all seriousness, she REALLY did.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Vinacco - "Well, you know what? You can all just blow my ass."
*I walk over and blow on Nick's ass*
Vinacco - "...This kid just blew my ass!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Mrs. Foss - "Did you want us to pick up anything for you while we're at Myrtle Beach?"
Foss - "Yeah, a prostitute would be nice."
Mrs. Foss - "I'm not going to have another woman in my car."
Foss - Who said that I wanted female prostitutes?"
Vinacco - *from around the corner* "I don't believe that this kid just blew my ass!"
Mrs. Foss - *perplexed, shocked face*
Me - *writing down quote* "So, wait...what did you say after I blew on your ass?"
Vinacco - "'This kid just blew my ass!!'"
Foss - "Guys, you DO know that my mom is still in the room, right?"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Foss - "Josh blew Nick's ass."
Meg - "Oh my, that must have been thrilling."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Vinacco - "My ass has been blown by a crazy mick!"
Me - "Bahahahaha!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Deej - "So what's wrong with you?"
Me - "This time of year, I'm allergic to outside. So, I'm on this new hardcore deisel prescription drug. Downside
is, I'm loopy all the time and I have no perception of anything."
Deej - "Damn...that sucks."
Me - "Define 'sucks'."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Spongebob - "Patrick, look! It's a baby oyster! But it hasn't leared how to fly yet..."
Patrick - "...Is it stupid?"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Tony - "The I.R.S.?! HA! I look at their stupid tax laws and think, 'TWO can play at this game!'"
Me - "I should be suprised, but I'm not."
Tony - "No, you shouldn't. This is coming from the same person that the I.R.S. said was 'the craziest bastard
they have ever seen.'"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Me - "Feeling any better?"
Kyle - "Yeah, I'm getting there. This is hard to deal with."
Me - "Yeah, I know. Tell ya what, let's just blame it all on global warming and the complete and total failure
of Pogs. Then we'll get some coffee."
Kyle - "Agreed."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"I'm gonna slit your throat and fuck the wound..." - Slipknot, "Disasterpiece"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Peter - "Not special like that kid down the street, special more like...Special K. And what happens to the regular
K anyway? And for that matter, what ever happened to Kay Ballard? You know, if you said 'mallard' and you had a cold, it would
sound like 'Ballard'."
Brian - "Do you even listen to yourself when you talk?"
Peter - "I drift in and out."
- Family Guy
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"I came, I saw, I conquered." - Julius Caesar
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"The answer to whether someone is a good warrior or not doesn't lie in the sword, it lies in the mind, that it
does." - Kenshin, "Rurouni Kenshin"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Go to hell!!!" - Yuske, "Yu Yu Hakusho"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Mom - "Josh, you have better eyes than me. Is this lipstick pink or orange?"
Me - "I can't tell in this ligh- wait a second! Who the hell has orange lipstick?!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Garrepy *gets off the phone* - "Jeeeeez! Women! I tell ya..."
Me - "Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Adi - "Sour Altoids are good."
Me - "Really? Never heard of them."
Adi - "Yeah! Try them sometime! I wonder if the sour ones have the same affect on oral that the regular ones
do."
Me - "Bahahaha!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"I tried to imagine one hand clapping and my brain 'sploded." - Sarahbeth
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Damn, I got madd baby-killing accuracy!" - Dylan (long story. just ask.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________
*Hendricken grad comes into Berry's class with his 1-year-old son*
Bocanfusco *points to baby* - "Hey Gruber, how does it feel to know that he has a bigger dick than you?"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"I'm super! Thanks for asking!" - Big Gay Al, Southpark
______________________________________________________________________________________________
*Fry's girlfriend walks out of cryogenic freezing tube*
Fry - "Michelle!"
Michelle - "Fry? Is it really you?"
Fry - "I dunno. Is it really you?"
Michelle - "What do you mean you don't know? Are you Fry or are you not?"
Fry - "Who wants to know?"
Michelle - "It IS you!" - Futurama
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Eat Bachelor Chow!" - Futurama
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Professor - "I have a good mind to fire all three of you! But I'm not that cruel." *whispers into Hermes' ear*
Hermes - "You're all fired!" - Futurama
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of
change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here telling you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's
going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'll show these people what you don't want them to see. I am going
to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything
is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you." - Neo, "The Matrix"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Mrs. Aubin - "Okay, by a show of hands, who is not going to be here tomorrow?"
*entire class raises their hand*
Mrs. Aubin - "...So I shouldn't make a lesson plan then?"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
*at work*
Scott - "Fuck! They're doing a rifle and canon demonstration today?! Oh this is just great..."
Me - "Dude, what's the problem?"
Scott - "Well, with my luck, I'll probably be stuck with the epileptic kid who's gonna start freaking out at
the fuckin' 21-gun salute...like last time."
Me - "Hahahaha! Last time?!"
Scott - "...Fuck you."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Marrilvingeon - "It's all a matter of cause and effect." *stands up*
Trinity - "Cause and effect?"
Marrilvingeon's wife - "Where are you going?"
Marrilvingeon - "Cause - I drank too much wine. Effect - I have to take a piss. Excuse me."
-
"The Matrix: Reloaded"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Heh...now we're even." - Trinity, "The Matrix: Reloaded"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Ahhhhh...Home sweet home." - Link, "The Matrix: Reloaded"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"If you wish to taste the ground, then feel free to attack me." - Kenshin, "Rurouni Kenshin"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"You're like a cat. Except hotter." - Ayla
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" - Monty Python
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Me - "Okay, you know what? Fuck you."
Duffer - "Hahaha!"
Me - "No, I'm serious. Bend over and lube up."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Upside-down face kid - "What's that, Daddy?"
Tom Tucker - "That's Mercury, son, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here, I haven't the foggiest.
But I think we'd better-"
Peter - "I'm a guy, you jackass!"
- Family Guy
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"POSSUMS..." - "Teen Girl Squad, Issue 3", Homestarrunner.com
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Most of the time, Marlon Brando sounds like his mouth is full of wet toilet paper." - Rex Reed
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." - Peter
O'Toole
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night, 'You're a pervert!' I said, 'That's a big word for a nine-year-old.'"
- Emo Phillips
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Conformist slaves don't eat devil's food cake stuffed with ketchup." - Adi
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Hello, good citizen! My name is Batman. You can be my assistant! Would you like that? Would you like to ride
with Batman?" - Snicker's commercial
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Kurt - "So...you've got the gay."
Me - "And you've got AIDS from having gay anal sex with a large Russian fellow named Gorbachev."
Kurt - "And you've got SARS from the naked Chinese guy I rubbed all over your bed, asshole."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Tonight! Let us shake these walls of steel and stone! Let us send them a message that this is Zion! And we are
not afraid!!!" - Morpheus, "The Matrix: Reloaded"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Adi - "I concur with the previous stipulation provided the tangible aspects of the assailant's claim are inconsequentially
transmittable via black hole!"
D.A. - "That ties into the infinite power from the buttered cat theory."
Adi - "It does, doesn't it?!"
D.A. - "Because toast always lands buttered-side-down, and a cat always lands on it's feet, you strap a piece
of buttered toast to a cat...and flip it."
Adi - "Very true...and to think, I thought I was the only one who thought these types of thoughts!
... Wow. Only I could manage to use the verb 'to think' in two different tenses, four times in one sentence!"
( I <3 my friends.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Get a spoon and eat my ass." - Kurt
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" - Kumabara, "Yu Yu Hakusho"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Mmmmmm...Josh Kane." - Vinacco
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Old lady - "So what did the soldiers eat at the fort anyway?"
Scott - "Food."
Old lady - "Really?!
You're kidding!"
Scott - "... ... ... Okay, you know what? Just get out. Go. Leave."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
D.A. - "I'm going to go install a modem."
Deej - "I misread that as 'monkey'."
D.A. - "It's a howler modem."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Scott - "So yeah, I was thinking."
Me - "Hmmm?"
Scott - "The cannons on the north wall could fire a 24 lb. cannon ball all the way to the Newport bridge, right?
That's like...2 infants. I estimate that I could probably chuck a toddler 20 feet at maximum. But man...that's gotta be a
lot of firepower. It's like the same as me just sitting here and flinging a kid to the bridge, let alone two."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Brian - "Whooooah! It's Sarah! Haven't seen you in a while!"
Sarah - "Fuck off."
Brian - "...Somebody's got sand in their vagina."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Yeah, words change when you get married. Take 'fine' for example. To you, fine means good...like 'Hi, Jim,
how are ya?' 'Fine, fine.' Ya know, like that. But women...'How are you, honey?' 'Oh I'm fine.' Which means 'I'm
pissed as all hell, and YOU have to try and guess why.'" - Jim Miller
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Candybars!!!" - Stoner, Super Troopers
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"I really wanna go to the beach or a pool, but the beaches are all gay and infected." - Cassandra
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Me - "Where's the bathroom?"
Brian - "Right around the corner. Hell, in that bathroom, you can take a
shit, wash your hands, and take a shower all at the same time."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Reilly *holding a lit bottle rocket* - "C'mere, GREG!!!" *points it at him*
Waugh - "Oh Jesus Christ,
Brandon!!" *Jumps into the water with clothes on*
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"My Karma ran over your Dogma." - Bumper Sticker
______________________________________________________________________________________________
*"Jump Around" blasts out of speakers at RIC rec. center*
"Pack it up, pack it in!!!" *kicks volleyball* *hits some kid in the head* - Jake
______________________________________________________________________________________________
*discussing what guys perceive girls as and what girls perceive guys as at orientation*
Girl - "Oh c'mon...you're exaggerating. Most girls only cost like...15 dollars to take out for the night."
Jake - "Jesus, that's it? How much do YOU charge?"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"WWTBSD: What Would The Boondock Saints Do?" - McGarry
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"It's the kind of hazy, intellectual crap that gets the NPR listeners all gooey-in-the-pants because they can
go to their microbreweries and coffee houses and act all smart while they stroke their go-tees and pick lint nubs off their
angola sweaters." - The Filthy Critic
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Me - "Ayla!"
Ayla - "I almost called you 'Jizzosh,' but that would be a slightly iffy nickname if you ask me."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
*talking about writing a love song*
Ayla - "Yes! Exactly! And everybody will hear it and say "awwwwwwww..." and then they'll want a copy of the song
so I'll sign a record contract and promote and album and it'll sell MMMMILLIONS of copies in the first week and I'll get all
rich and famous and never have to work again which will be great because then I can admit that my love song was not divinely
inspired but announce my plans to begin searching for the true love of my life even if it takes MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Dude, we're old..." - Cait
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Sara - "I really don't wanna go to work, and I gotta figure out a way to get out of it."
Me - "Well, you could always build a robot."
Sara - "Yes! That's the ticket! Oh! Oh! Oh! And I don't have to use it just for work, oh no...I could use it
for chores, housework, babysitting, bwahahahaha..."
Me - "Actually, on second thought, you probably won't be able to get away with that."
Sara - "Why not?"
Me - "Cause after about 1 hour, people are going to wonder how someone with no engineering or programming background whatsoever
could manage to build a sophisticated, lifelike human android robot."
Sara - "Touché, good sir...touché."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
...
Me - "Yeah, cause you know...the English call gay people 'twinks' cause they call cigarettes 'fags.'"
Kurt - "I know this. So if you're smoking, the butt of the fag is in your mouth."
Me - "Bahaha."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Laura - "I hate it when you're home alone...especially if you're with other people. They constantly talk about
what's on their mind and about shit they have always wondered. That ever happen to you?"
Me - "Yeah. All the time."
Laura - "Haha. Well, what do you think about."
Me - "Take a look at the Men in Black movie. You know that little red-light flashy thing they have? Well, as
soon as they flash it, it erases their memory and the MIB kinda 'reboot' their minds, right? I wonder what would happen if
they just erased their memory, and then walked away, leaving the person in that blank daze."
Laura - "Remind me NEVER to spend copious amounts of time alone with you in a room."
Me - "Noted."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"I can't believe how much I rule." - Maddox
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Isn't it about time we put an end to all this hippie bullshit? You had your chance in the 60's, you screwed
up, now go away." - Maddox
______________________________________________________________________________________________
"While everyone else is out having a great time this Valentine's day,
I'll be sitting home in the dark again. Why? Because I can't stand to see all those people hugging, kissing and giving each
other stupid heart-shaped balloons. Makes me want to shit. In fact, Valentine's day gives me diarrhea.
What's so romantic about Valentine's day? Or should I call it Hallmark
day? It's just another excuse to go out and buy a pile of shit for someone you supposedly care about. I once saw a show where
a guy bought his girlfriend a dozen roses and some chocolates, and then she said, 'Oh Charles...how romantic' and they started
making out. I hate Charles. If he bought me a dozen roses and some chocolates, I'd kick his ass (but I'd eat the chocolates).
I don't hate Valentine's day just because I don't have a date (but it
doesn't help). Possibly the worst thing about Valentine's day are those damned cupids. I see them everywhere. Little bastards.
They annoy the hell out of me. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because stay up thinking about how much I hate Cupids. Then
I realize that it's not cupids that I hate so much, but really mimes. This leads me to the question: if a mime fell in a forest,
would it make a sound? If I ever see a mime in a forest, I'm going to trip it to find out." - Maddox
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Professor - "Here *points to smell-o-scope*, smell Jupiter."
Fry - "Fine. As long as you don't ask me to smell Uranus. *laughs*"
Leela
- "I don't get it."
Professor - "Actually, Fry, scientists renamed Uranus in 2620 to get rid
of that joke for good."
Fry - "What's it called now?"
Professor - "Urectum."
