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| Andrea's memorial took place on this street - It so happens to have her last name. |
About Andrea
"I Don't Know How to Love Him"
“I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me”
(Philippians 4:13).
Philippians was written by Paul while a prisoner of the Romans to his cherished friends of Philippi.
Paul knew the end was near for him and he was ready. He had the strength of the knowledge of Christ.
"For I am
already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought the good fight, I have
finished the race, I have kept the faith. Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the
righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing" (2 Timothy
4:6-8).
What can Christianity do to help those who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder?
“For unto
you is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake.” (Philippians 1:29)
Suffer
for His sake? Why would God allow this suffering for His sake? I believe because it is through our suffering that
we come to realize that we can’t do it alone. Pride is a sin that keeps us from Him. It is this humbling
realization of our shortcomings that causes us to look elsewhere for help.
The Passion is one place where we were given
this lesson, I think. The Son of God needed a simple reluctant man to help Him carry the cross. Jesus was able
to perform miracles yet He released Himself of His powers and allowed Simon to bear His burden. By so doing He taught
us that none of us can bear their burdens alone.
But we don’t listen, not until we’ve reached rock bottom.
Many people with BPD refuse to seek help and many people who support them enable them to continue to avoid seeking help by
not allowing the person to face the consequences of their actions.
With Andrea, I coined the term OBYOB (Overcome By
Your Own Behaviors). When she was in trouble, whether legally, financially, or whatever because she was overcome by
her own behaviors I let her suffer the consequences of those behaviors. As a result she reached a point where she finally
realized that she needed further help and she sought out and received the help she needed.
“I love you so much
I want to hurt you." Only a borderline mind could speak such words and make complete sense. It is the dichotomy
of the fear of abandonment in juxtaposition with an inability to achieve true, long-lasting intimacy with another. The
result is often uncontrollable rage against those you love the most.
How does Christianity help? There is the
fear of abandonment, but God does not abandon us if we believe in Him. There is the fear of intimacy because if you get too
close he will see your imperfections. But God already knows of our imperfections and loves us anyway.
My angel Andrea feared love yet wanted it so badly. It
took her years to learn to love on a consistent basis; years and lots of emotional pain. Her passion to seek God was
a part of that learning process.
I remember so vividly her first rage at me. The person who I loved with all
my heart suddenly looked at me and said, “I hate you. I have always hated you.” I tried to get her
to explain to me what had happened to no avail. I don't think she really knew. But our engagement was over;
our relationship was over. She wanted me out of her life.
Black and white thinking (splitting) is common to BPD, but I didn't
know about BPD back then. I knew of bipolar disorder (having a brother who suffers from it) but this was something
new. It came to me like a right cross that struck me in the heart when I was expecting an exploratory left lead.
My breath left me. I saw stars. Then my world went black.
I wandered home in the dark…lost in my
mind. I wanted to die. The next morning I rose before the sun. I had to go catch the morning bus to physical
therapy. It was an unusually chilly June morning as I walked to the bus stop. When I got there I sat alone
on the bench facing east, still lost, staring at the Korean hills to my front painted dark red by the early dawn. I
thought that the sun should be out by now, but somehow it seemed appropriate that it was not.
Suddenly my cell phone
rang, startling me awake from my thoughts.
“Hello?” No answer, but oddly the sky seemed to have lightened somewhat.
“Hello?”
Still no answer, but I caught a glimpse of yellow peaking around, separating from the red sky.
“Andrea? Is
that you?”
“Yes.” The sun broke out from the clouds, blinding in its radiance.
“Are you
okay?”
“No. I said bad things to you.”
"Yes. You did."
Later that day we would
meet up and go shopping together. Three days later while riding the subway train from Seoul to Uijonbu, as the lights
of the city flashed through the windows, she asked me to marry her. But she wasn't ready to be married yet and other
events would supercede.
The next year or so was a roller coaster ride of ups and downs as she would most days
show that passion and then suddenly devalue me out of the blue. I continued to love her throughout. She was trying
and that is all we can ask of someone is to do their best. It is then up to us to decide if their best is good enough.
That’s an individual choice that no one else can make for you. She was worth the effort to me.
Andrea believed
that anger was a demon inside her that needed to be exorcised (that's another story I'll tell later). In Ephesians 4:26-27
Paul speaks of anger and how, if not dealt with, it can destroy your life. In Psalms 37:8 David also speaks of the dangers
of anger. “Stop your anger. Turn from your rage! Do not envy others – it only leads to harm.”
Easily
said, but not so easily done. You try, but fail – again and again. You do the same things over and over
expecting to change, but get the same result every time. So you try harder and fail again. That’s all a
part of the process of trials and tribulations. You cannot know happiness until you know suffering. And it takes
the suffering to realize that you cannot do it alone. It is my belief that this was Christ’s lesson when Simon
bore the burden of the cross.
Fast forward eighteen months later:
It was a Sunday morning and I was a bit lazy
and didn’t feel like going to church, so I chose an alternative form of spiritual enlightenment – I popped my
“Jesus Christ, Superstar” CD into the player and kicked back on the couch for some musical inspiration.
When
song number seven came on I cranked it up because I love the woman’s voice in that one, forgetting that Andrea was asleep
in her room. As the song ended she came walking out into the living room in her pj’s rubbing her eyes. I
immediately turned the volume down.
“I’m sorry. I forgot you were sleeping.”
“I wasn’t
sleeping.” Then I realized that she was rubbing her eyes because she had been crying.
“What’s wrong?”
“That
song…the words…I..I’m sorry.” She was stuttering and that meant something. She was generally
very articulate, but when she was worried about telling me something she sometimes had a hard time finding her words.
“What
are you sorry about, Piglet?” My nickname for her was Piglet because she loved to eat bacon and sausage patties so much.
“I
said…bad things to you.” My mind flashed back to those words 18 months before and I knew what she meant.
“It’s
okay. You were sick then.”
“No it’s not okay. I've told you before that I know what I'm doing
when I say such things. It’s not okay. I hurt you. I’m sorry.” She had never said
that to me before -- "I'm sorry" -- but this was the new Andrea who had finally given over her life to Christ completely.
“That
song. Listen to the words. That’s how I felt that night, but I didn’t know how to say it.”
I
played the song back and listened to the words:
"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM"
Sung by the character of Mary
Magdalene
Words by Tim Rice. Music by Andrew Loyd Webber
I don't know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these
past few days, when I've seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he
moves me.
He's a man. He's just a man.
And I've had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more.
Should
I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd
come to this.
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I'm the one
who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so.
I never thought I'd
come to this.
What's it all about?
Yet, if he said he loved me,
I'd be lost. I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope,
just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head. I'd back away.
I wouldn't want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I
love him so.
I was getting too close and she was scared. Earlier that day I had told her for the first time
that I loved her. At the time she had responded, "I don't use that word." I let it go, not knowing how to reply.
Throughout the rest of the day I could tell something was troubling her. Later that night, at her apartment, she dealt
with it the only way she knew how. She tried to push me away. But I wasn't going anywhere. I was just waiting
for her to figure out what she wanted in life. I knew what I wanted.
As the song finished I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“I’ve hurt you again, Haven’t I?”
“No,
Piglet. I’m fine. I love you.”
“I love you too, Jim. I promise I will never hurt you again.”
She thought about it for a minute then added, “…unless I stick you with a pin while I’m changing your diapers.”
We laughed. Two weeks earlier she had told me that she wanted to be there to change my diapers when I got old.
Those would be two promises that she would break. Three days
later as I held her hand they turned off the machine that was keeping her in this world and my Mary Magdelene left me to a
greater calling and a better place.
It has been a very difficult couple of years since then. In my pride I thought
I could do it alone, but I was wrong. As things have fallen apart I have come to realize that I can’t, but there
is a way. “I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me.”
Jim
Part One on "Andrea - the Person"
Time and Presence.
I thought I would take some time out
to talk about Andrea, the person, for a change. As her father remarked at her memorial, "She didn't waste time." That was
Andrea in a nutshell. She was always in front, getting things done. She was my motivator. She got me to do the things I knew
I should do, but always put off.
In her "Chicken Soup for the Teenage
Soul Workbook" she listed the following things that she liked about herself - humorous, reader, helper/leader, listener, artist/poet/writer,
lover, friend, strongness (mentally), stubborn, pretty (at times), aggressive, observer. She listed her special talents as
leadership/organizing, listening and solving problems, acting, art, and intelligence. For the record she did an intelligence
test online (one that I know to be accurate) and the results were about where I expected her to come out as outside of the
average window, on the bright side. As a co-worker and friend at the memorial stated, "She may have been a little crazy, but
she wasn't stupid."
Andrea wrote once of how she felt
someone who knew her would see her from the outside - "When you talk, people listen. When you listen, people talk. You share
your life and friendship with strangers. You are strong when people are weak. The world lites up when you enter, so when you
look sad, we're sad. Life is like cards, so take a risk. Be daring." I have described her presence before as such - "Andrea
didn't just enter a room - she became the room. Everything else stopped when she entered." She asked me once what I loved
about her. One of the things I mentioned was how she could make anyone smile and feel important by her presence. Just walking
onto post in Korea, she would welcome the guards personally with complete attention and they would light up with her words.
Even relaxing Andrea gave her full
attention and didn't waste time. When she watched a TV show, or movie, she didn't want to miss a second. If you spoke to her
while she was watching it she would pause the TV and give you her full attention until you finished talking then go back to
where she was. She could always pause the TV because Andrea never watched anything live (except at the movie theater, obviously).
She didn't have time for that. Everything was on VCR or TIVO so she could fast-forward through all the commercials.
That was Andrea. She never wasted time.
|
| Me saying goodbye to my best friend |
Part Two
A Crisis of
Identity
According
to Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman (“I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me”) an important part of recovery from BPD is
establishing an identity separate from the person’s environment.
“One of the borderline’s primary
goals is to establish a separate sense of identity and to overcome the proclivity to merge with others.”
Andrea
was a chameleon of identity. She had more identities than Baskin Robbin’s has ice cream flavors. Her speech,
her mannerisms, even her appearance would change to fit the environment. She could be white, black, or oriental.
She could act sophisticated or down-to-earth, streetwise or naive, wild or demure. She could order dinner in a Korea
restaurant in Seoul (in Korean) with ease or stroll through the Oxford Street shops in London’s West End looking all
the fashion. She could speak with a British accent all day then seamlessly switch to American urban street slang at
night.
While all of these personalities were inside her they were really a product of her environment of the moment
and none separately reflected a true representation of her “core” personality. She never really felt that
she belonged to any of them completely and none survived outside of the surroundings that gave birth to them. She was
seeking an identity.
“No person can consistently behave in a way that’s inconsistent with the way the
person sees himself. ["Victory Over the Darkness – Realizing the Power of Your Identity in Christ" by Neil T. Anderson]
“I
am a lie.” [Andrea’s note by the above passage]
Recognition of a need to change is the first step
to change itself. Andrea knew she was in a crisis of identity. She was seeking answers. Anderson’s
book was one place where answers could be found. I recommend this book to anyone who is seeking answers to who
they are.
Jim
Andrea Through the Eyes of Those Who Loved Her
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Her Mother's Words
Hello, I am Jackie, Andrea's mother. Her father, sister Renee, her best friend Jim, and I would like to thank
you for coming here today to pay tribute to our daughter and our friend Andrea. Some of you have traveled a long way
to get here and we appreciate the sacrifices you made.
19 years, 5 months, and 18 days is not a long life but Andrea packed a lot of living into those years.
I knew Andrea for 9 plus months before that. She was a big baby, almost 9 pounds. Andrea wasn't in a hurry to
come into this world. After making us wait 10 long days, she came into this world only after a 43-hour long labor and
an emergency C-Section. Due to the prolonged labor I developed a recurring case of hemorrhoids. So I can honestly
claim Andrea has been a pain in the butt ever since she was born.
But not all the time. Andrea was a very happy infant and toddler. She never had colic,
hardly ever cried, blessedly slept through the night at one month old, and never threw temper tantrums. She sat up at
4 months old, crawled at 6 months and walked at 8 months. Once she finally arrived she was full speed ahead to get on
with life.
When she was about 4 years old she suddenly, inexplicably, developed a strong desire for self-direction. The next 14 years with Andrea proved to be a challenge for
the whole family, including Andrea.
Andrea did have many redeeming qualities such as her innocent honesty which endeared her to everyone
she came in contact with. Shortly after Andrea turned 3 we flew to New York
from Washington DC to spend the weekend with Don who was
there doing an inspection. To save money I planned to put Andrea on my lap for the short flight. Since there was
an empty seat next to me I strapped Andrea in it. When the flight attendant came by to check tickets he asked for Andrea's
ticket. I told him Andrea was only 2 and that she didn't need one. This in itself was pretty hard to believe.
When Andrea was one year old, she wore size 2. When she was 2 she wore size 4. She was skinny, but she was long.
And she acted more mature and was very well spoken which fooled most people into believing she was older. But Andrea
looked at the flight attendant and blurted out in her always-loud voice, "No mommy, I'm three. Remember I just
had my birthday party. I'm three, I’m three".
Even as a small child Andrea was fearless, confident, and independent.
The summer Andrea turned 4 Don's Aunt Jane invited Andrea to come spend two weeks with her before the annual family
reunion. Don had many fond childhood memories of the summers he spent on the hill in Old Fort, North Carolina with his
cousins. Everyone on the hill was related to each other and they played with each other the whole summer long without
a care in the world. So he drove down from Northern Virginia and dropped Andrea off at his Aunt Jane's. I'm not sure Andrea had ever spent a night away from
home before. I know she had never met Aunt Jane or any of her cousins before. But she didn't cry as Don drove
off. She turned to Aunt Jane with her four year old little hands on her hips and said, "You know, you’re not my
mother".
One time we had bar-b-que at our house. The morning of the party several couples canceled.
We asked 6-year-old Andrea to go across the street and invite several of our neighbors to come to the party. She knocked
on Donna and Barry’s door and told Donna when she answered, "My mom and dad want you to come over to our party because
no one else could come". They did come.
Andrea was a good, protective Big Sister. From before Renee was born Andrea was delighted to
have a little sister and eagerly anticipated her arrival. She intervened without hesitation and looked out for Renee
who was over 3 years younger. More than one fight was fought on her behalf. Renee was a quiet, shy child.
She rarely talked when she was young. Where Andrea was the first in line, Renee was always the last. I don’t
think there could have been two more opposite children. At Easter we usually took the kids to a community Easter Egg
hunt. Andrea's basket would be full while Renee would stand around with hers empty. Andrea would always share
her eggs or she would take Renee by the hand and lead her to the eggs and put them in her basket.
Andrea had a bubbly, vivacious personality and positive attitude. Don spent 20 years in the Navy and
we moved around quite a bit. It never seemed to bother Andrea. The day we moved into a new home she would walk
around the neighborhood knocking on everyone’s door and ask whoever answered if they had any kids her age who could
come out and play.
Andrea was witty, easily forgave, and was totally spontaneous. She was quick to offer help and
pitch in when needed. She was eager to be out on her own and dive head first into life, even if she sometimes forgot
to look before she leaped.
In the 23 months Andrea spent on her own she proved she not only could survive, but thrive. She
never asked to move back home and she never asked us for a loan. She regularly stopped by to say hello, share a meal,
or show us her latest purchase. My relationship with her matured into a loving friendship.
She easily made friends and was well liked by her many admirers and coworkers. All of you knew
Andrea and how much fun she was to be with.
Andrea had ups and downs, but she chose to focus on the bright side. She liked to laugh.
She had a contagious sense of humor. She never gave up or lost her positive attitude or energy.
Andrea was a
beautiful girl, much to her father’s consternation. She was very head strong much to my dismay.
I'm thankful Andrea got to spend several days with both sides of our family this past May so you have
recent memories of her. First with my family in Southern California, then with Don's family in Atlanta. Afterwards she flew to Germany and spent nearly 3 weeks with us touring as much of Europe as we could fit in. She wanted to see it all.
What I loved about Andrea most, and I did dearly love her - most of the time, was her passion.
She loved to read and to learn, to experience new things and live life without reservation. Her last letter to Don,
sent the day before the accident, talked about how much she wanted to travel and see new places. She asked us to tell
her all about our trip to Egypt and send lots of pictures. We have decided to take some of her ashes with us on our future travels
and spread a little everywhere we go in her memory.
I thank God for sending Angels to watch out for her while she was on this earth. I believe He
sent extra Angels to look after Andrea because He knew she was in for a tough life. I think that is why Andrea always
seemed to have a golden parachute over her - she always landed feet first no matter what the trouble was. I believe
Jim Kendrick was one of those special Angels sent to love, protect, and strengthen Andrea. He helped her transition
into a productive and loving young woman. He gave her emotional and financial stability.
Andrea believed in God. She accepted that Jesus Christ's sacrificial death paid for her sins.
I thank God that she is in Jesus Christ’s loving care now, in her perfect, new, pain free body.
Andrea gave her all in every endeavor of her life. I pray her memory will remain with us and
encourage us always.
Her Father's Words
Good afternoon. My name is Don, Andrea's father. I would like to thank you for
coming here this afternoon to help us celebrate Andrea's life. And for those of us who knew her best, can attest it
was quite a life. It was a life earmarked by what her Aunt Jane described as "good days and bad days" after two weeks
with a very, very, very active 4 year old. She could make you fall off your chair
laughing at something she said or did; or she could make you reach for the Excedrin at something she said or did. But then
you would marvel at the warm, caring, loving and compassionate side of her, a side I believe she wanted to show more and more.
She was taken from
us so suddenly and we ask why? But a wise man once told me don't dwell on the whys. There are no answers there, only more
questions. She gave us so much in such a short time. And that is what we need to remember. So I would ask everyone not
to dwell on the whys, but instead on the memories she gave us. Let the stories we will tell be the lasting memorial to a life
so fully lived and cherished.
For our family, her last cards and letters will be most cherished as they expressed a happy, vibrant
and contented young woman. She was able to experience the genuine love of a man. Who gave of himself without asking
for any guarantees, helping her to blossom and grow, giving her a perspective on life that only true love could. And,
even more important, was there with her at the end, making sure she was not alone, letting her know she was loved and would
be missed. And for that Jim, we are forever thankful.
She had a chance to experience life on her own - to struggle with its ups and downs, its joys and
frustrations. And in that life experience she knew she could not and did not have to make the journey alone. She sought the comfort and guidance from the One we all turn to for help. In her journey she sought God's
love and guidance. She sought out His soothing and healing hand for her sometimes-troubled spirit. She put her heart and soul into that relationship. The music you hear today is not something of our
choosing, but hers. This was her music. The music she listened to lift her spirits and help her reach out.
What I am telling you is not the words of a father trying to understand or rationalize the loss
of a child, but as a father who has read these words first hand from the journals Andrea kept.
She asked for healing, she asked for guidance, she asked for peace. He answered her the best way He could, by
calling her home. It may not be the answer we like or even understand, but it
is not for us to question. For that covenant was between Andrea and God and He
knew best how to fulfill it.
The obvious impact
she had on Jackie, Renee and I will last us for the rest of our lives. For no family endures the challenges that we faced
and survives without coming together and facing those challenges as a family. There were times when we could do nothing
but circle the wagons and wait for the cavalry, which always arrived in the form of family and friends. And from that the
four of us would emerge a little worn but also stronger than before. On December 23rd, 2003 the four of us circled the wagons one last time together and waited for the cavalry.
One of us has fallen in body, but the four spirits emerge once again worn but also stronger than
before. And again today as always the cavalry has arrived. And as you, her family and friends, are here to say goodbye,
Jackie, Renee and I are here to say welcome home. For although she was here only "one brief shinning moment" her spirit
will remain with us until in God's good time we will be together again.
Thank
you, again.
My Words
On December 23rd I lost my best friend.
I met Andrea in Korea while playing guitar in a local club in
Uijongbu. I was taking a break when in bounced this girl with long, black braids, black birth-control glasses, and a
smile as big as the heavens. Andrea didn't just enter a room - she became the room. Everything else stopped when
she walked in. The first time she took off those glasses I saw the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life.
I had to do a double take and pinch myself, thinking, "What is she doing talking to me."
Somehow,
despite our age differences, we became best friends and I was so happy. We did everything together. Andrea had
a passion for life and wanted to do and see everything she possibly could. She loved to have fun. She could do
so many things so well - she could swim like a dolphin, ice skate like Dorothy Hammel (spins and all), and nobody could dance
like her...nobody. If she showed up for a dance contest she was guaranteed to be walking out with the prize. Once
she wore a blue wig in Seoul at the ice rink. I asked her what possessed her to wear that wig all day and she said,
"I want to be sure I am the center of attention on the ice." I didn't think she needed it for that.
We
fought sometimes, too. With her intensity there was no avoiding it and she could rage with the best. I never stood
a chance and she never apologized for it. She knew she didn't have to; she knew I understood.
Through Andrea I met her wonderful family, Don, Jackie, and my
lil sis, Renee. Eventually her family transferred to Germany and soon I got orders for Fort Campbell, Kentucky.
Andrea's teaching contract at a Korean-English private school was running out in a few months. She loved her job and
her children and they loved her, but she needed to move on and improve herself. She had important goals to achieve and
wanted to go back to the States to go to college. Someday, she hoped to become a child Psychologist to help young girls
in trouble and do Christian missionary work in poor countries. She was gearing her life towards those goals.
As I recall a conversation with her before I left, it went something
like this:
Andrea: "You are the only person who can put up with me. How would you feel if I came to Fort Campbell to live
with you and go to school."
Of course, I said, "Yes."
We did all the paperwork with the help of her family and made
it happen. She got a job, went to school, and lived her often-troubled life. We had a lot of difficulties starting
out, but eventually had it all worked out and we were happy.
Andrea knew I was going to be retiring in a year and going to
Pakistan to work on a de-mining program for Afghanistan. About two weeks ago she asked me, "Do they have volunteer work
there in the refugee camps where someone can help people?" I told her, "Of course. They have the Red Cross, USAID,
Save the Children. You name it...it's there." She thought about that for a minute and asked, "Will you take me
with you when you go?" That was the Andrea I knew deep down. That was my Angel.
Andrea's Recovery
Recovery is a long, slow process that starts with recognition and seeking help. Few get this far.
Once you do you are in recovery. It took several years for Andrea to find the right mix and dosages of medicines
to help stabilize her emotions and impulses without excessive adverse side effects. Finding the right therapist was
also key. She was learning the daily coping skills like dealing with rages and such (the outer things). And
she was doing very well at this. The last four and a half months of her life were not only rage-free, but she showed
more ability to deal with daily stresses than the average person. I recall breaking one of her wine glasses (one of
four of an impossible to replace set from overseas). I waited for the rage, but got, "That's okay. Don't worry
about it", instead. That's when I knew her hard work was paying off - for me, too.
She started confronting her problems and reconciling her mistakes, like people she'd
hurt and debts and such. She spent two hours at the bank getting her finances in order. She became a favorite
customer there. She made photo collages and art projects for her family. I was teaching her to do oil painting.
She was learning to enjoy life free from the confrontations that BPD's create in their daily lives. The hard things
to "fix" like bulimia, cutting, and suicidal ideations (the inner emptiness things) she was still working on at
her death. Andrea was getting much better with these things, but was not there yet. She knew that a relapse
could come at any time, despite her successes. Recovery takes several years and not everyone who tries
recovers fully, despite their best efforts.
Andrea manifested all nine criteria for BPD. She also manifested most every example given for every
category. She was diagnosed at 14-15 years old with her various mood and personality disorders. She spent four
tours in mental institutions. At her death, her improvements from someone who was about as mentally ill as could be
imagined to someone who was almost ready to take on the world were incredible. With recognition, acceptance, and determination,
combined with a genuine good heart there is hope. There are not many who will accept their disorder, and fewer still
who will do everything necessary to become a functioning part of society. Andrea wasn't there yet, but at nineteen,
she was going to make it. Her spirit and faith was too strong not to defeat her disorders. She was seeking the
answers and she would have succeeded. But God had other plans.
Jim
| Visiting Her Family in Europe |
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What Can I do to Help the One I Love?
Recovery is the job of the person with the disorder. You
cannot do that job for them, but you can learn coping skills for yourself and ways to support them in their recovery that,
like the medical creed, "do no harm". From Andrea's Help Blog Message Board:
The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline
Personality Disorder" By Randi Kreger and Paul Mason is an excellent self-help book for those in a relationship with
a person who has BPD. The book is geared towards understanding the disorder, the other person, and yourself.
It explains about boundaries, coping skills, and communicating skills that you will need whether you want to stay in the relationship,
or get out.
For more information, links, and books on living with someone with personality and/or affective disorders see the Help
for the Supporter page.
Help for the Supporter
The Memorial
Andrea's memorial went exceptionally well. We
all made it through with divine help. I think that one thing that really made it special was that the Chaplain has a
son who suffers from Bipolar disorder and is about Andrea's age. He really had an understanding of what to say.
He and I believe it was providence. Her family came from all over the country and her friends from work were there.
Every person spoke eloquently and with the passion she showed every day of her life. Andrea had about a hundred scars
on her left arm. They were her stripes of guilt and pain. She had a cross tatooed over them and the words, "by
whose stripes ye were healed" I PETER 2:24. She is healed now. She no longer has to suffer the mental pain she
has been suffering.
| Renee after the memorial |
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| Isn't she a doll? I call her my "lil sis". |
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I am not a practicing psychotherapist or physician, and cannot guarantee the accuracy of any
material located off-site, nor be responsible for any third-party interpretation of my material. For specifics on your situation,
I encourage you to consult your mental health professional.
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