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"Holy Prostitutes"
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his
eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he
sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot
is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs,
"Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind
him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in
>Dublin when she
met up with Father Flaherty.
>
>The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye
>Mrs.
Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2
>years ago?"
>
>She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
>
>The
Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
>
>She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
>
>The
Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week
>and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
>
>She
replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
>
>They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The
>Father
asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye
>these days?"
>
>She replied, "Oh, very well,
Father!"
>
>The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones
>yet?"
>
>She replied,
"Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4
>singles, 10 in all!"
>
>The Father said, "That's
wonderful!" How is yer loving
>husband doing?"
>
>She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer @#$%ing
>candle."
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that
he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. ( Don't they all!! LOL :-)) He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration,
please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's
the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration and you give me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving *^&# out of the Lawyer
and says:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing
the ceiling, he shouted:
"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give
you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten
minutes went by.
" I'm waiting God. If you're real, knock me off this platform!!!!"
Again
after 4 minutes, the professor taunted God saying,
"Here I am, God!!! I'm still waiting!!!"
His
count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and
Iraq and newly
registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform.
The Professor was out cold!! The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion.
The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent .....
waiting. Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row.
When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked:
"What the hell is the matter
with you?! Why did you do that!?"
"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your
right to say stupid crap and act like an jackass!!! So he sent me!!"
What can your
dog do?
> You may, or may not own a dog, but here is some great animal training.
> Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.>
> The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.>
> To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff.">
> T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.>
> Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.>
> But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
> He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff.">
> Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a
> dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3
> cookies each.>
> Everyone agreed that was good.>
> But the Chemist said his dog could do better.
> He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff.">
> Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.>
> Everyone agreed that was good.>
> Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said,
> "What can your dog do?">
> The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff.">
> Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, defecated on the paper, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for
the rest of the day on sick leave.
In 2005, Noah's story may have gone something like this:
And
the Lord spoke to Noah, and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and the rain shall not stop until it
submerges the entire earth and all living flesh is destroyed. Because of this, I want you to save
the righteous people and two of every living species on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build
an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Daunted
by this task, but respectful of God's wishes, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark.
"Remember,"
said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and fill it in one year's time."
Exactly a year later, fierce
storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah
was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord,
please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction,
and Your plans did
not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system
and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then,
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted
Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls......
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had
to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.
Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
Meanwhile,
the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of
the taxes since all I had was a command from Creator of the Universe.
Then, the Army Corps of Engineers
demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve
a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking
atheists aboard.
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation
to flee the country to avoid paying the state that I owe them some kind of
user tax and failed to register
the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'
And, finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction
of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
Lord,
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."
Noah waited.
The
sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky. Noah looked
up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," God said sadly. "I don't have
to. ......The government already has."
A womans funeral.
> A funeral service
is being held for a woman who has just passed
> away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are
carrying the
> casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
> casket.
>
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the
> woman is actually alive! She lives
for ten more years, and then
> finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the
>
end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the
> casket. As they are walking, the husband
cries out, "Watch the wall!"
Here is some Irish humor.
Please note the Knight putting the humor on this page is proud to be Irish himself.
"An Irish Prayer"
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when
he
slipped and
fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. Please Lord," he implored, "let it be
blood!!"
"Irish Shopping"
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time
removing the olives and
placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled
with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'
cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the
Irishman, "my wife
just
sent me out for a jar of olives!"
"You've Been Out Drinking Again"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
said that the
bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell
flat
on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured
he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once
outside, he stood
up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl
the
four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up
and fell flat
on
his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he
reached
his bed he tried
one more time to stand up. This time he managed to
pull
himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and
is sound
asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and
intent on
bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?" "The pub just
called;
you left your wheelchair there again."
"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with
tears streaming
down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he
was
already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all
me
luggage!"
"How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
"The Reunion"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could
buy him a drink. "Why, of
course," comes the reply. The first man then
asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The
first
man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second.
Curious, the
first
asks: "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe
it,
Me too! Lets have
another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course" The
second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
"Saint
Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." "This is
becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union. About that
time, in comes
one
of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the
bartender. "Nothing much,"
replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins
are
drunk again!"
"Lost at Sea"
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning
freighter. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping
that
a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the
amazement
of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular
genie, however, stated
that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving
much
thought
to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into
Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening
crash, and
immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by
mortals. Simultaneously, the genie
vanished. Only the gentle lapping of
Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered
their
circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had
been
granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice
going
Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Brain Cramps
Question:
If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever
I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny
like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking
kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke
Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never
had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --
Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington
has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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"That lowdown
scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by an Idiot and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional
candidate in Texas.
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"Half
this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ``````````````````````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in
Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do
we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
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"I
was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--
Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. `````````````````````````````````````````
"The word "genius" isn't
applicable in football.A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe
Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily
discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--
Richard M Nixon Preside
The teacher said it was
physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven
I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you
ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no
one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,
"Is there
a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the
oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her
mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair
sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some
of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or
unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed,
and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
A
teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood
doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The
children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was
a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further
along the lunch line, at the other end
of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written
a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
GEORGE W. BUSH
We
don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
want to know if the chicken is on our side of
the road or not. The
chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle
ground
here.
COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken
crossing the road.
HANZ BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been
allowed access to the other side of the road.
JACQUES CHIRAC
We will veto any resolution regarding non-compliance
of the
chicken whether it has or has not crossed the road!
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The
chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete
fabrication.We don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This
was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
AL
GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the
chicken crossing the road
represented the application of these two
different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to
bring
greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked
industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because
it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from
a decent, hard-working American.
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