It’s Not My Problem
Standing with fists in fists,
clenched
tight knuckles ivory white;
anger ripping through me
like razors gashing flesh.
Times I wanted to hurt....just
for the relief of feeling,
something anything....in
my own mind...validation,
that
I am not a machine,
not a thing...
a
caged animal...pacing....spiraling...cunsumed by the darkness.
Stalking my prey....a target
for my own uncomfortable confusion...a place to lay my anger.
Waiting for the next victim
in the shadows...
Strike!
A lion in the jungle....hunting....mission
accomplished...
and
then...
Ashamed ...for the kill...I
retreat into a secret place....
of shadows...darkness.. self loathing.
Candle light...flame intoxicating...hot
wax upon my skin...
an alter for my punishment.
This place where pain becomes
my friend...twisted...but it’s all I had.
Caught between screaming
and crying....
not living, yet not quite holding hands with death.
Fearing what was beautiful
and fearing what was ugly...
after
all...in my world they were the same.
Shadows were sunshine and
sunshine shadows.
Heaven and hell, all the
same.
Buy this child.....a dime for the taking...
Commit
your sin and walk away.
Screaming not from my lips...but
in my head.
A scream only I can hear...it
seems even God has become deaf.
