Lowlife UK 2000 Diary

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Lowlife Gig Diary

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16.12.2000, Manor Arms, Birkenhead, UK with 0898, 3 Cornered Rug and The Accidents.

3 month has passed since we last played, and we're back with a new guitarist and a stripped down, no fucking about set. So to Birkenhead it is which is the other side of the River Mersey from Liverpool. The evening starts swimmingly when we get pulled by the coppers just as we get through the tunnel. It's hard trying to keep a straight face when you've got a bloke sat next to you in a Santa hat, and the coppers asking you if you've been drinking. So after a nice chat with the "bizzies" (calm down, calm down), and a 10 mile fucking detour, we find the rock 'n' roll mecca that is the Manor Arms. It's not a bad little place, its even got a smoke machine in. Probably nicked by some scallie from a nightclub. So we go on with Paul (new guitarist), not knowing what it's going to be like. We play, it sounds good, hardly any cock ups, except for Dave who has discovered the joys of £1 a tin cider. Plenty of abuse to the scousers who to be honest look a bit wary. I suppose they aren't used to a bunch of gobby bastards shouting at 'em. Sell 4 t-shirts, which is a good do, since it's been almost 2 weeks since giro day!

10.09.2000, "Punk Aid", Highbury Garage, London, UK w/ GBH, UK Subs, 999, One Way System, Warriors etc,etc.

Some big bands on here, so you'd have thought it would be packed. It's half bloody empty. That's the problem with London, too many gigs, too fucking spoilt down here. Anyway this is to be Stoney's last gig, as he's off to live in sunny Darlington with the Sister of Mercy. I'd come down the previous day to see Menace and Glen Matlock, and the bloke told us we'd be on at 4.30. I get here for 3, there's a schedule on the door saying we we're on at 2. Fucking marvelous. Stoney and Mick are still on the M1 somewhere. Tell them that we play as soon as they get here. so 4.25, they get here, 4.30 we're playing. Spend most of the gig in sunglasses, 'cos it makes me look like a rock star and I've got a hangover bigger than Sporty Spices arse! Play reasonably well to the few that are here, and I'm happy 'cos when we finish my hangovers gone, and we sell some gear, so double winner.

20.08.2000, The Station, Ashton, UK w/Contempt, Instant Agony, Overspill, 3 Cornered Rug and The Accidents.

It's summer, it's sunny, it's a real ale pub in Ashton with several bands, and its outside! Fucking magic!!! They even have a special "Punk and Disorderly" beer, which looks and tastes like the slops from all the trays, with green dye in it! What more do you need? We're told that we're on next to last, which is even better as everyone will be wankered by then, so they might even enjoy it. So we sit in the sun watching the bands, having a couple, then its our turn. As we're tuning up it starts, a couple of half empty plastic glasses bounce of our respective heads. After 3 songs and a bit of baiting there's a few more, by the end of the set its a sea of various objects, pint pots, beer mats, old socks etc, all led by a group of 4 year olds at the front of the stage. Bloody kids! What a fantastic gig though.

18.08.2000, Hogsbreath, Hull, UK w/Accidents, V.O.R. and Spam Dagger

So after the debacle that was Uxbridge, we're back up North to fishy Hull, and to a place called the Hogsbreath, which is one of those theme type pubs that is putting proper boozers out of business. Don't get me wrong these places are alright, but there's more atmosphere on the moon than in them. It's got a good stage and everything as well. We're going on second which suits me 'cos I've work in the morning so we go on. The sound is excellent and we play a blinder, well at least it seems to be a blinder compared with last week. We even have a DJ tonight in Stu (Whizzwood Freaks Union/Dead Pets/Rent a punk), putting in a few bits at the end of songs for us. The fishy twat!

12.08.2000, "UxFest", ????, Uxbridge, UK w/King Prawn, Raging Speedhorn, Capdown, Vicious Rumours, Medulla Nocte, etc,etc,etc.

This really is a fucking trek and a half. Uxbridge is somewhere to the west of London, and is a pretty non descript place I can tell you. So it's to play something called the Uxfest, which is a little do on 2 stages, featuring a shit load of bands that sound like Rage Against The Machine, and the odd exception who don't. There's an outdoor and an indoor stage, and because its 80 odd degrees outside we end up indoors which is like playing the inside of an oven in the middle of the Sahara Desert! So we go on just after Vicious Rumors who have successfully cleared the room. We plug in and start, and fuck my old boots if it is not the worst fucking sound ever to come from a stage in the history of crap gigs! The bass stopped, started and stopped again. The guitar sounded like a food blender on its last legs, and Dave's drums fell to bits every time he hit the fuckers. As for the vocals, well if you had a hearing aid the size of a rolls royce jet engine, you might have been able to hear them. I think this was the worst gig we've ever done, and that's saying something, but at least it was sunny, and there was a load of them metal/hardcore birds walking round with there knickers on show so I was happy at least!

05.08.2000, Studio, Hartlepool, UK w/30 Miles Wide.

Here comes the bride, doo doo do doo! We are the entertainment at a wedding reception tonight. A proper do, with sausages on sticks, mushroom vol a vonts, quick gropes with pissed up aunties, the lot. It is quite the most surreal experience I've had in the band yet. We play and its marvelous, some bird getting on stage and getting her tits out, loads of people up having a dance and even the happy couples parents getting up to dance too. We make up songs on the spot, chucking in 2 absolutely appalling versions of the Undertones "Teenage Kicks" and Shams "If The Kids Are United", but even they go down a storm. We pull it off against the most terrible odds, a resounding success. We even get put up in a hotel. What a life!

21.07.2000, "Holidays In The Sun", The Dome, Morecambe, UK w/Business, Slaughter and the Dogs, Subhumans, Peter and the Test Tube Babies, etc,etc,etc

Holidays In The Sun. For anyone reading this who doesn't know what it is, it's a 3 day punk festival, featuring every band you can think of over the age of 40, by the seaside. We're on first at 5 o'clock on the Friday evening. When we eventually get on stage, they haven't even opened the fucking doors. I swear it's a fucking conspiracy. So we play, and we're tight as fuck due to the fact we're all stone cold sober. The place fills and we seem to go down well, and only get 2 pints of beer and 22p in small change chucked at us. Not bad for half hours work. Finish, and then proceed to spend the next 3 days off my trolley, missing every single band on the bill, except for 2 songs of the Upstarts, a couple of Test Tube songs, and a quick shufty of Beki Bondages tits! I love punk, me!

17.07.2000, Hanover Hotel, Liverpool, UK w/Suspicious Stains, Gunpoint Corporation, W.O.R.M. and Anarchy Spanky

Its my 30th birthday, so what do I do to celebrate it? Go to some shit hole in Liverpool that's what. Fairs fair though, it's not that bad a place, in fact it's quite nice. We get there, and there's even some beers laid on, nothing I've ever heard of like, some Hungarian crap that's full of chemicals, but its free so fuck it. There's a sizeable crowd here as well, which is surprising as its a Monday night. Saying that none of these bastards will have to get up for work in the morning! So we play, and its alright, but the scousers look a bit peeved. They don't seem to like us gobbing off every 2 minutes at them. What do I care, I've been paid and had beers and its my birthday. I do wonder though how long it'll be before we take a belting off some bastard.

01.07.2000, Studio, Hartlepool, UK w/Goober Patrol, Servo, Whizzwood, 43, Casey, Undesirables, Grillo and N.H.W.

I think we should never play anywhere else but here. I want to become the house act here, 3 times a week, and a double show on Sundays. That would do me fine. Anyway this is one of them all day jobbies that are all the rage these days. At least it fills the place up I suppose. Stoney's brought half the family with him, including his birds mother, so he's on top behavior. It doesn't stop the swearing and insults, if 'owt it pushes me further. Take it out on the skinheads, ask 'em why they're all so fucking ugly. They're a good bunch, take it as a joke like it is. Don't understand why skins get a hard time. Never have no bother with them. Only people who bother us are ourselves. When finished go back to Chris's with Goober Patrol, who buy me and Dave a pizza, so for tonight and tonight only, they are the best punk band in England. Mind you they'll be loaded being on "Fat Wreck".

04.05.2000, Studio, Hartlepool, UK

So by ourselves yet again. Supposed to be a support band but they didn't turn up for some reason or another. At least it's more money for us that way. We play up here more than anywhere else. They're a good lot up here, and I'd play here once a month if I could. There's a few here, but not as many as usual for some reason, mind you it is Thursday night, and I could think of better things to do myself. Play, its alright. I bet a bloke he wont shave my pubes off for some reason. He comes flying up on stage. I panic. It doesn't happen, thank God. Not particularly memorable.

14.04.2000, Bucks, Oldham, UK w/Burning Heads, Informers and Semtex.

Je suis un rock star. Voulez vous. Je t'aime. It's French night, with two of Frances finest, and us and some carrot crunchers. We play in the other room to what we normally play in, the one where they usually play pool. It's a lot better, don't have people walking past you to go to the bog every 2 minutes. Play good, and impress our Gaellic friends with our "Crazeee Eeennngleesh yumourrr". Viva Le France!

01.04.2000, Tap & Spile, Darlington, UK w/A & E All Stars and Solanoid.

This gig was supposed to be with an American band called Indecision, but for some reason, they didn't play, even though I heard that they we're outside. It seems a long way to go, not to bother playing. Can't understand it really. We'd got there early and went to Yates wine lodge for tea. Over the road was another pub and it was a £1 a bottle of bud, and full of women. In me and Dave go, to emerge 3 hours later. Go back to the venue and Harry and some of the Geordies have come down, so have another couple. Get upstairs, and there's a good few here. Start playing and it seems good to me though I know I'm not singing the words right. Daves' also all over the shop but they shouldn't notice. I don't think they do, but Mick does and has a thromby. Understandable I suppose, but we do go down really well.

23.03.2000, Bucks, Oldham, UK.

And another one band gig. More easy money as well. There's a few more punky types in as well this time, which is good. Most of them are too busy playing pool to be bothered. Is this how far its come. That whacking a few balls round a table is more interesting than us? Maybe tonight though as we're very mediocre. I've been up since 4 that morning and I'm knackered and can't be bothered. All I want is to sleep. We let Keith of Ashtons' band get up near the end of the set to do a song. They do a cover, though I don't remember what it was, but it went on forever. Maybe it didn't really, but all I wanted to do was go home.

04.03.2000, Spring Cottage, Stoke, UK.

Another gig by ourselves, another £80. Meet the bloke putting it on, and he takes us. It's slap bang in the middle of one of the biggest housing estates in Europe. Oh fantastic! The landlady seems friendly enough, even makes me a pot of coffee, seeing as I'm the driver tonight. Then in they come, one by one. My god, Jerry Springer would have a field day. The landlady said that a lot of the bands are scared when they play here. Doesn't bother me I'm from Bradford which is one big council estate, though I can see what would upset some bands. There's this one woman. Gloria's the name. She's pissed as a trout and loud with it. She's screaming at us to get on with it. She looks and acts like Sue Pollard on acid. She don't like me. I love her. Makes me think my life's worthwhile after all. Sing "Angels" by Robbie Williams to her. God bless her she can't even stand up straight. I can't imagine many other bands doing this, and actually getting some perverse satisfaction out of doing it. We get paid, the landlord wants us back, mission completed.

26.02.2000, Clarendon, Hartlepool, UK w/The Undesirables.

Another Saturday in monkey hanging town. What else is there to do but to have a few swift ones. Anyway we'd played here before, and I'd sounded like Davros, due to the shite P.A. This time I was like Davros with a sore throat. Christ on a bike. It's alright, but it can't be any good for the people who come to see us, and it's definitely no good for us. Anyone reading this who's thinking of putting on a gig, make sure you've got a decent PA, please. Me and Dave get bored so decide to have a scrap, which results in his drum kit going everywhere and him ending up sprawled half on the bass drum, half on the front of the stage. Then we remember it's not our drum kit. Oh Bugger!

19.02.2000, Angles Centre, Wisbech, UK w/Contempt, Short 'n' Curlies, Combat Shock, Blind Suburbia and Breezeblock

We don't need to take any gear, so off we go with a guitar, a bass, a snare drum, foot pedals and cymbals, that's it. How we'd regret it. Any road get there, and proceed to the downstairs bar, get a pint, then annoy all the punk rock bastards, by playing The Eagles, ZZ Top and Johnny Cash on the jukebox. No taste these people. So we go upstairs and set up. We start playing, first song not too bad, bit ropey, but that's the first song for you. Second song, BANG, oh dear Stoneys' blown up the amp. So as they try fixing it, we go downstairs for another pint. Come back up. It's fixed they say. Right carry on, it sounds like a cat in a washing machine. It is truly the most appalling sound these ears have ever heard. Fuck it, lets get hammered! End up crashing at Sonny and Mels', which was like a Salvation Armys' Soup kitchen, with every waif and stray going back there. Good night, shite gig!

29.01.2000, Bell & Bear, Stoke, UK w/Sweet Tooth.

Stokes a bizarre place. There's no real center to talk of, just a sprawling mass of concrete all over the place. So get to the boozer around sevenish, see the lad who's putting it on. The notice on the door says £4 in. What imbecile is going to pay £4 to see a bunch of twats like us, honestly. Anyway we go on first, and there's a few in, a couple of skinheads and what have you. We play, abuse the skinheads, then watch the other band. Mind you it was open late, and the DJ played plenty of Northern Soul, Motown and ska so it was a good night in the end. Unless your Mick who hates Northern Soul, Motown and ska!

28.01.2000, Rio's, Bradford, UK w/Lunachicks and The Pedantics.

First gig of the new millennium, and what a surprise we're back at Rios. This is good though, 'cos we're on a guaranteed £50, as we're the official support. Whoo Hoooo!!!!!! The first band were young and quite good, they had a few dancing to them, friends and that. We come on, said youngsters disappear. It's alright when your younger, your mates come see you and dance. The older you get, the less your mates go out, and those who do are usually knackered by the time the bloody intro tape has finished. We play pretty well considering, and there's lots of cheers, though I'm not sure if that's 'cos the songs have ended or what. Enjoy the Lunachicks, and it cost nowt, so jobs a good 'un!