If The Truth Be Told...

Toby Keith | home

...then let it be told by me.

There's a line from the song I have been writing about that goes...there's a few defining moments in every person's life when you know what you've done wrong and you know what you've done right...

That is a powerful group of words to me. Maybe, subconsciously I chose this song to write about because of those few words...maybe it was some other meaning..but whatever the reason...I need to let it out..and let it go.

It's hard to hang onto something for a long time..especially if that something is painful. I know where my writing comes from...and it's almost a desperate need for me. In the course of these past 37 years life has given me a lot of stuff to write about. I was abandoned by both of my birth parents...I was adopted and one of my step-father's molested me from the ages 9 to 12...my adopted mother refused to recognize the signs and refused to believe me when confronted with the truth..even to this day. I married someone I may not have married just to get out of my mother's house.

I spent several years strung out..in jail..drunk...strung out again...in jail again...in court...you name it, I've done it. In between, I tried to fill empty voids by cashing in on the one thing I thought I had that was of some worth...my body and my self respect. It took me a long time to learn that romance and affairs were not the same thing. I'd forsaken the love of my husband and my kids for second hand thrills with men that never belonged to me in the first place.

I finally sought help and drudged up all past mistakes. I learned that my childhood was not my fault...nor did I have to own up to the responsibilities of an adult's actions upon a child. It was during this time that I learned how to write. I wrote all my guarded secrets down in a desperate attempt to save my sanity. It became a hunger that was finally filling the voids. I tried to put my life back in order...only no one told me that there really is no set order in life. Instead of living life on life's terms...I was living life on Pat's terms.

Self-esteem for me only lasts so long. It is like any disease liking to alcoholism or drug abuse...it will forever be an uphill, daily battle to keep it. Three years ago I faltered and fell back into some of my old bad habits. One wrong choice with a co-worker led to the past three years of deception and hiding...again. I again, threw my marriage out the door for something that wasn't mine to have...and I not only got my heart broke...it got peeled from the inside out. So, what does someone with my track record do to cover up the pain? You mask it...you fog it...you cloud it with something to fill the void. Chemical dependency on a drug that is easily gotten from the local pharmacy is a simple task to handle. The medical world is an open market for someone who has many, many exterior flaws.

My eyes were finally opened for the first time last November...I had always heard the song..but for some reason it impacted me like a ton of bricks. That song was New Orleans. I heard it at a friend's house. She was not what I would call a Toby Keith fan but she had the cd. Not many things impact me anymore...I like to think I carry my scars around with some measure of pride...and a whole hell of a lot of regret...LOL. I bought the cd...and had the strength to flush whatever Vicodin I had stashed down the toilet. I remained sound minded for four months.

I would like to say that this has a happy ending with a life altering moral at the end of it...but it doesn't. For the first time I have friends other than husbands of other women to turn to...I have friends who care about me who have never laid eyes on me...who don't even live in the same town. I have Warriors...and I am asking for help. With my fall last week...I am in reach of an old habit. I don't want to loose control again. I want to finish what I have set out to do...and that is write this story. I know what I've done wrong and I know what I've done right...and this is my one defining moment.

Please keep me in our prayers tonight.

I love each one of you...

Pat


	Toby Keith \| home What's New \| Why Do You Love Toby? \| Member Photos \| Agent Michelle's Pics \| State Of Emergency!!! \| If The Truth Be Told... \| Portraits By Patricia \| More Toby Pics \| Toby Monkeys Around! \| NEON CIRCUS 2001 \| The Man Inside The Music \| The Angels Of Columbine \| Favorite Links ...then let it be told by me. There's a line from the song I have been writing about that goes...there's a few defining moments in every person's life when you know what you've done wrong and you know what you've done right... That is a powerful group of words to me. Maybe, subconsciously I chose this song to write about because of those few words...maybe it was some other meaning..but whatever the reason...I need to let it out..and let it go. It's hard to hang onto something for a long time..especially if that something is painful. I know where my writing comes from...and it's almost a desperate need for me. In the course of these past 37 years life has given me a lot of stuff to write about. I was abandoned by both of my birth parents...I was adopted and one of my step-father's molested me from the ages 9 to 12...my adopted mother refused to recognize the signs and refused to believe me when confronted with the truth..even to this day. I married someone I may not have married just to get out of my mother's house. I spent several years strung out..in jail..drunk...strung out again...in jail again...in court...you name it, I've done it. In between, I tried to fill empty voids by cashing in on the one thing I thought I had that was of some worth...my body and my self respect. It took me a long time to learn that romance and affairs were not the same thing. I'd forsaken the love of my husband and my kids for second hand thrills with men that never belonged to me in the first place. I finally sought help and drudged up all past mistakes. I learned that my childhood was not my fault...nor did I have to own up to the responsibilities of an adult's actions upon a child. It was during this time that I learned how to write. I wrote all my guarded secrets down in a desperate attempt to save my sanity. It became a hunger that was finally filling the voids. I tried to put my life back in order...only no one told me that there really is no set order in life. Instead of living life on life's terms...I was living life on Pat's terms. Self-esteem for me only lasts so long. It is like any disease liking to alcoholism or drug abuse...it will forever be an uphill, daily battle to keep it. Three years ago I faltered and fell back into some of my old bad habits. One wrong choice with a co-worker led to the past three years of deception and hiding...again. I again, threw my marriage out the door for something that wasn't mine to have...and I not only got my heart broke...it got peeled from the inside out. So, what does someone with my track record do to cover up the pain? You mask it...you fog it...you cloud it with something to fill the void. Chemical dependency on a drug that is easily gotten from the local pharmacy is a simple task to handle. The medical world is an open market for someone who has many, many exterior flaws. My eyes were finally opened for the first time last November...I had always heard the song..but for some reason it impacted me like a ton of bricks. That song was New Orleans. I heard it at a friend's house. She was not what I would call a Toby Keith fan but she had the cd. Not many things impact me anymore...I like to think I carry my scars around with some measure of pride...and a whole hell of a lot of regret...LOL. I bought the cd...and had the strength to flush whatever Vicodin I had stashed down the toilet. I remained sound minded for four months. I would like to say that this has a happy ending with a life altering moral at the end of it...but it doesn't. For the first time I have friends other than husbands of other women to turn to...I have friends who care about me who have never laid eyes on me...who don't even live in the same town. I have Warriors...and I am asking for help. With my fall last week...I am in reach of an old habit. I don't want to loose control again. I want to finish what I have set out to do...and that is write this story. I know what I've done wrong and I know what I've done right...and this is my one defining moment. Please keep me in our prayers tonight. I love each one of you... Pat