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July 1
Maybe I am repeating myself, it's quite possible. When you get this old, the memory is one of the first things to go. However....I think I finally found a downside to this whole weight loss thing....

My emotional life was so much easier then. Sure, I was alone and depressed. But back then, I didn't have to worry and wonder about if I would ever find someone. I KNEW that I wouldn't. No one wants to be with a fat bastard like that. I didn't have to worry that my heart was going to get broken. I didn't have to worry about the pain of having feelings for someone and wondering if they're returned. Or having feelings for someone and never being able to see them. By the same token, I didn't have to worry whether or not something I did was going to hurt someone. And that was a good thing, because I am definitely not worth feeling pain over.....

Now...don't go getting the idea that I want to weigh 500 pounds again. I just wish I could crawl back into my shell, or shut my feelings off, or some damn thing. I told L. that maybe I would wreck on the way home and then I wouldn't have to worry about any of this stuff anymore (I know, Soda...I shouldn't be putting such negative thoughts out there waiting to bite me in the ass)....obviously I didn't, so y'all are stuck with me.

July 8
Ugh...first entry in a week :-( Once again, I have to apologize for being a slacker bastard. There just hasn't been a whole hell of a lot going on. I figure there is only so much whining about my (lack of) love life that you wanna hear, ya know?

I DID play at the open mic again Thursday. I know, I still havent finished the story of the first time I played. Overall, this was a much better experience. I didn't get nearly as nerved out before I went up to play this time....I certainly had reason to, because by far the best act of the evening performed right before I did. Two-piece acoustic rock, and the bass player was just a monster!!!

The first time I played I just absolutely blew chunks on the first song, and I was OK after that. So, I decided to play my hardest song first...that way if I sucked I could rationalize it to myself by saying it's just cuz I was so nervous. I got through it pretty well, though, and except for a problem with a piece of equipment later on, it was pretty smooth sailing.

I made more of an effort this time to play some more recent songs...I had noticed that most of the people there were college age. It was cool to see some people actively engaged in listening, and even singing along. I did "The One I Love" by R.E.M. and I could see some dude (well, I could hear him, too...the place is pretty small) singing the back-up vocals. When it came to the instrumental part, I said, "Here is where the guitar solo would go, if I could play it," and he sang the solo, too..lol. Probably the high point was "867-5309 (Jenny)", which by coincidence was also the oldest song I did. Just about everyone I could see joined in singing the "867-5309" part...it was waaaay cool :-)

Overall, I just felt a lot more relaxed this time... the dude doing the hosting for the evening said he could tell I had more confidence this time, too. Which isn't the same as saying I was good, but I think I did pretty good. Making eye contact with his g/f helped, actually. They were sitting directly in front of me, so it was easy for me to see them. She was very pretty, so it was easier to look at her. As an added bonus, she really seemed to be listening and enjoying the music. I could be wrong about that...maybe she was just stoned..lol.

When I got home, I got to relive the evening with L. That was almost as much fun as the actual playing. She wanted to know everything, so I told her as best as I could remember. She was so happy for me...I wish.... ahhh, nevermind **sigh**

The only other thing that's been going on is work. I can honestly say I have been working my ass off at work. I am having a hard time relating to the people I work with. A lot of the time it seems like all they want to talk about is drugs and partying. But, what the hell...they're kids.

L. thinks maybe I think I am better than they are....IF I do, it is completely subconscious. I have screwed up enough things in my life that I have no right to judge anyone. I just can't relate to getting high as the focus of your existence. I'm sure they wouldn't want to hear me talk about my addictions, food and mastur...uhhh, nevermind..lol.

Anyway, the fact that I have been working so hard makes it doubly depressing that I gained 2 more pounds this week (256). Too much snacking when I get home from work. I need to either stop that, or get some healthier crap to eat.....

The songs I did Thursday night...
Just Remember - Sister Hazel
The One I love - R.E.M.
Where You're Going - dada
All For You - Sister Hazel
867-5309(Jenny) - Tommy Tutone
Dim - dada

July 13
(Ooooooohhhh...Friday the 13th. Scary!) -- Yes, yes, I know....no posts in almost a week. Bad Marty. Well, here ya go.....

I am usually not prone to deep introspection. But, I took a nice walk yesterday...it was beautiful outside. Sunny, but not too hot and humid, and off came the shirt so I could soak up some rays :-) Anyway, in addition to jamming to some great music by Atlanta Rhythm Section, I did a little thinking. Here is what I came up with...

When I first had the surgery, I was trying to get into a positive thinking thing. I am not really convinced that it helped anything, but it sure didn't hurt. I DO know that I got out of the groove, and I have had some pretty down times lately. So, I am going to make more of an effort to be positive...see the good in things, celebrate the small victories in life....smile more :-)

Another thing, and this came to me when I was talking to someone about Alice. I said that she needed to realize that she needs to make herself do stuff whether she is in pain or not....I know she hurts, but pain is a fact of life that she is going to have to live with and not let it keep her from having a life. Of course, I haven't said that to her yet..lol.

I have been doing the same thing with using being tired as an excuse for not doing things.....exercise, for example. So, from now on, I am going to walk every day (weather permitting, of course. I am not going to risk being struck by lightning or getting beaten to death by hailstones the size of golf balls just to take a walk ;-D). At least a mile and a half on days I work, at least 3 miles on days I am off. I was off today and I only walked about two miles, but that was before I came up with this.... mid-year's resolution, if you will. So, if you are someone I chat with, I urge you to hound me mercilessly about walking. You can even call me stuff like "whining maggot" if I protest too much...be my drill sergeants ;-)

I have to get back to it....I gained 2 pounds last week, I am back to 256. Have to start watching the eating, too. (You DON'T have permission to hound me about eating...I know from experience that makes me want to eat more.) To that end, when I went to get Alice's meds, I DIDN'T get a bag of popcorn. I absolutely love popcorn, and it is unheard of for me not to get a bag if I have the money (celebrating those small victories :-D)

Speaking of small victories, and being positive...last night was Thursday, open mic night. Things didn't go quite so well as last week. I was supposed to be the last performer of the evening. When I arrived, there were two more acts scheduled before me. I was going to watch one, then go get ready...make sure I was tuned, get my set list and lyrics together. Due to some sort of scheduling glitch, Ben(the emcee) asked me if I wanted to go ahead and play. I didn't feel ready, but I didn't think it was that big a deal so I said yes. Big mistake.

My lyrics blew off the stand in the first song, and I had to stop. The sound was weird and I had to stop again. I felt myself getting flustered. After that I did pretty well again, but when I got to the point where it was time for one more song, my mind went blank and I ended up doing one I really didn't want to do. I was a little bummed at first when it was over, but I decided to use the night as a lesson. Next time, I will make sure I am prepared before I play. This means having my set list and everythng else ready as well as doing more practicing beforehand.

After I was finished I had a cool conversation with Ben and his g/f Patty. A little about life in general as well as about the open mic thing. I told them that they really made me feel welcome there and that I was doing well performing, and that I really appreciated it. They seem to be a couple of genuinely nice, cool people :-) Anyway, that's it for today...take care, y'all. Thanks, and have a great weekend :-D

Set list:
Show Me The Way -- Peter Frampton (mission aborted)
Celluloid heroes -- The Kinks
Just Remember -- Sister Hazel
Dim -- dada
All For You -- Sister Hazel
867-5309 -- Tommy Tutone
Peaceful, Easy Feeling -- The Eagles

July 14
Well...my positive thinking sure got the shit kicked out of itself yesterday. First, I had a little personal problem with a friend of mine that had me majorly bummed for awhile. By the time I got to work though....I can't say I wasn't sad at all, but I was feeling pretty OK.

Work was OK, too. Until 2 of the guys I work with decided to just walk out about 20 minutes before we closed, leaving just me and the manager there to do all the closing and the clean-up. I know, it was only another 2 hours of my life... but 2 hours can be a long time when you've busted your ass all night and then you have to work even harder.

Then, I start to go home...I can't say how it happened cuz it's kind of embarrassing, but I got a flat tire. And (of course) there is no spare in the car. So, I had to call my sis-in-law on her cell phone while she was out delivering papers to come and get me....it was almost 5 by the time I got home and crawled into bed.

On the way home, sis-in-law told me I was lucky, because she hadn't been turning her cell phone on the last couple of days. She said God must have been looking out for me. I'm not sure I buy that, but...you know, things could have been worse....I could have had to walk the 5 miles home.... I flattened the tire, but I DID miss the lightpole. Today is another day, and I can see looking out the window that it is beautiful....a great day! I hope y'all have a great day, too :-)

July 15
My request for drill instructors drew a little more response than I usually get from the update. Thanks to everyone who took the time to write. It was especially nice to hear from Aly (been a long time). I think the D.I. award has to go to my buddy from Saudi Arabia. If he didn't use to be in the military, he really missed his calling. Thanks again, everyone :-)

As for how my "walk every day" plan has worked out...I walked two days in a row, but I must admit, I was so tired yesterday from having to work so hard and so long the night before that I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Last night was almost as bad, time-wise...I didn't get off until almost 4 A.M., and I haven't been able to get to sleep yet and it's almost 6. So, I am probably going to feel like crap later (happy crap, tho...gotta stay positive :-D), but I am also going to make every effort to walk... I don't wanna skip two days in a row.

Actually, I am going to feel like very happy crap. Since I couldn't sleep, I went to weigh myself. The goal that I had in mind when I had the surgery was 250 pounds. I am now (drum roll, please)....249 pounds!!! I lost 7 pounds last week...YEAH!!! I feel pretty damn good right now, and I want to thank all of you once again for your support :-D Have a great day!!

July 16
Yes, I did go walk yesterday. I went over to the park and did a couple of laps around it...3 miles. I burned through the first trip around in 26 minutes, which is about the pace I was hitting before I slacked off. I just relaxed the 2nd time around. Even so, it only took 33 minutes, and that includes stopping to refill my water bottle, picking up a few pieces of trash, and stopping to get a rock out of my shoe.

Just the fact that I can do something like removing a pebble without it turning into a big production number is amazing to me. Sit on the bench, cross your legs, shoe off, rock out, shoe on...simple, right?? Well, if only you knew what I would have had to do before, because I couldn't sit on a bench and cross my legs.

Oh, I could handle to sitting part all right...I have always been all over sitting ;-) Crossing my legs would have been another matter. I can't really describe the process...let's just say to anyone watching, it would have been trememndously funny if it weren't so damn pathetic that a man could let himself get in that shape. But hey....that ain't me anymore :-D

Some people have asked about the status of my big "walk-a-thon". Well...I still plan to do it, but...I have to see the heart doc August 6. After he tells me it's OK to do it (and he WILL tell me it's OK :-D) I will try to decide on a day and let everyone know.

**Random nothingness**...I was talking to L. on MSN the other day and she told me I had "star quality". I'm not sure what that means. She meant it as a compliment and I appreciate it....but I just can't see it, positive thinking or not. Maybe one day when I am really, REALLY positive ;-) Have a great day, y'all :-D

July 17
Well, here it is, 3:15 A.M. Just got home from work a little bit ago. I am feeling pretty damn bummed out right now. I'm listening to some songs that L. taped for me, some song suggestions. There's a lot of really cool stuff on it. I liked almost every one on the tape. There are two songs in particular that are very fitting right now.

One is "Girl Inside My Head" by Blues Traveler. The first line is, "When all is said and done, I wish I never needed no one..." Actually, I can relate to the whole song, but that line seems to hit really close to home right now. Life was so much easier when i was the elephant man. I knew no one wanted me, so I DIDN'T need anyone. Now, I know a little bit about what I am missing...and even though I don't think I am ready for "the one" it hurts so bad....screw it. Nevermind, I'm sure you're all tired of hearing me whine.

The other one is "Change Your Mind" by Sister Hazel, because I really need to. "If you want to be somebody else, if you're tired of fighting battles with yourself, change your mind". Damn, I am trying....right now all I can think about is how frigging lonely I am, and how much I want to go eat those buffalo wings we got sitting in the fridge... gonna try to go to bed now...I'm sure things will be better in the morning.....

July 19
For the record, I only ate two of the wings the other night. That's the good news. The bad news is, I pigged out on plenty of other stuff. Some of it was pretty healthy, though ;-)

My take on this "positive thinking" thing is that if you pretend that everything is great long enough, eventually you will convince yourself that they are. Maybe not quite how it works, but close enough for me..lol. So, anyway...I feel good and life is great today :-)

I want to ask a favor of those of you out there who pray. Nilla's sister is getting the results of some tests today. Would you please pray that the results are the best they can be? Thanks very much.

July 20
Last night was kind of bittersweet. I had a pretty good night at the open mic, performance-wise. It would have been nice to be able to relive it with L., but she wasn't around. Even though that wasn't entirely unexpected, it was still kind of a drag. Oh well, I feel good and life is great :-D

There was something good that happened yesterday. I went for a walk since I had skipped a couple of days (good merciless hounding, though, Soda). I passed by a pretty girl a couple of times, and she smiled and waved at me. I saw her sitting on a bench near where I finshed up my walk...I went over to pretend to look at the pond, all the while trying to find the nerve/words to talk to her.

She actually spoke to me first, I think, but there came a point in the coversation where I could have let it go, slinked back to the car with my tail between my legs, and kicked myself for not having any balls. Instead I asked if she was on her lunch break.

We ended up talking for awhile, then I walked her back to her car. We talked about getting together again to walk. Here is the shocker...I asked her out. Surprised the hell out of me. She said, "It depends...." I wanted to ask what it depended on, but I didn't. I didn't want to push it...I was thrilled it wasn't an outright, "No." She did give me her number, though...even if we never go out, hell, even if we never walk together, I think I took a big step today....I just have to keep on taking them.

July 22
My campaign to "walk every day" has only been moderately successful, I think I walked 4 times...I received some very good hounding, though, especially from soda ;-) I DID walk this morning and even though it's a work day I went 3 miles. I lost 3 pounds last week anyway, I am 246 now :-)

The big news for today is I got offered another job. I'll be working in the food service department of a retirement community. It's a little less money to start out, but I think the pros outweigh the cons. Of course, this is all contingent on my passing a physical/drug screen. I have no fear about the drug screen...I have to admit to at least a little concern about the physical.

I'll feel bad about leaving BK...Ruby has been super nice and understanding, as has everyone else I have worked with. If only they offered benefits to employees
other than managers, I would stay. Of course, I kind of hate the hours I have to work, too, and at my new job the latest I will have to work is 8 P.M.

songs I played Thursday night:
Dim -- dada
Just Remember -- Sister Hazel
867-5309 -- Tommy Tutone
Girl Inside My Head -- Blues Traveler
Change Your Mind -- Sister Hazel
Happy Place -- The Why Store
The End Is Not In Sight -- Amazing Rhythm Aces

July 25
I had the physical today for my new job. I was a little
concerned about it....especially telling the doctor I had cardiomyopathy. I even considered not mentioning it, but I knew if I didn't and then it was discovered later that I knew about it that would be grounds for firing. I told the doc that my doc didn't place any restrictions on me, though, so it was cool...I passed.

It was also my very first hernia exam...I am soo glad he didn't want to check the other place, too..lol. All that remains is to pass the drug test and the TB test. I don't THINK there will be any problems with either one. Cocaine doesn't stay in your system for more than a day or two, right??

I stopped by BK yesterday on the way home and told Ruby that I was giving my notice. I really appreciate all that she has done to help me get back into the work force. Besides the fact that she was really cool about the scheduling and letting me get used to more hours gradually, I found out the other day that she was fighting to get me a raise. The company doesn't want to give it because I haven't been there 6 months.

Her brother Gerald is the manager I work with most often...he told me he was already planning on getting out of there but when he found out I gave notice he went ahead and gave his, too, because I am the only one he works with that cares any more. It's really nice to know that they think of me as such a good worker...I know that I am trying as hard as I can.
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August 21
Wow....it has been almost a month since I posted. The
last few weeks have been a blur of papers, poppers,
Whoppers and dishes. (Yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme.
Sue me ;-D) I've been busy, I've been lazy. There has
been confusion, a contusion, depression, elation,
celebration....and now, there is daring, for I will
attempt to bring you up to date and not ramble TOO much.....

The last week of July I spent working at BK (Whoppers
and poppers) and delivering papers (ummmm....papers)
for my sis-in-law so her and my bro and the kids could
go on vacation. The original plan was for me to get my
hours at BK cut down to 15 or 20 that week, but a
couple of guys quit and they had just hired 2 people
to train as replacements, so that wasn't possible.

Doing the papers wasn't as hard as I thought it would
be once I got back in the groove (driving the van
sucked, tho). WORKING until 2 or 2:30 in the morning
and then having to go deliver papers wore my ass out.
I am not proud to say that I called off work one night
because I was so tired. I must have just a little bit
of pride, though, because I actually felt guilty about
it...that kinda surprised me.

That Saturday was my last night at BK. After we
closed, there was a little surprise for me, some going
away cake and ice cream (a celebration). I'm not going
to miss the job too much, but I will miss some of the
people I worked with (Mark, Gerald, Mendy, Jen,Callie)
and some other people I came into contact with (the
few high school hotties I saw eating there, and
Gretchen, who showed me **and everyone else** her
pierced nipple ;-D). And I'll miss Ruby, too....I didn't work much with her, but it was so cool of her to help me out with the job the way she did :-)

I started at my new job the following Monday. (In the
kitchen of a retirement community, to refresh your
memory) I had been thinking that it couldn't possibly
be harder than BK. I was wrong. Well.....it has been
both harder AND easier than BK. We get a lot more
break time than BK, so there is some time to rest.
When I am at my busiest, though, it's like when we
were really busy at BK, except it lasts an hour and a
half instead of 15 - 20 minutes.

I have been doing job #22 (out of about 37 jobs, I
think). That could change, if they decide to train me
for something else...some people do different jobs
different days (more on that later). Here is a rundown
of my day: Start work at 11. I have to get things
ready for lunch trayline. Trayline is where we put
together meals for the residents who don't come to the
dining room to eat. I pour coffe for the lunch
trayline, so I have to make coffee, get the iced tea ready, etc.

After lunch trayline, WE eat lunch. Then I spend the
next hour and an half unloading the dishwasher. It's
not so bad if there is help putting the dishes away,
but things can get very hectic when you're scrambling
around trying to get things in the right place and
keep the conveyor belt on the dishwasher moving, and
water gets all over the place. I fell one day (the
contusion), but I have some shoes I ordered through
work now, and they seem to do a lot better on the wet floor.

It was pretty funny when I fell. I mean, yeah, it hurt
when I landed on my back and hit my elbow...but what
went through my mind is I must have looked like
Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football away from
him. "AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!" I tried to get
right back up, but Connie (one of the supervisors)
told me to sit there for a few minutes and yelled for
someone to get Ed (the big kahuna). I guess they were
worried about a lawsuit or workman's comp. or
something. I had to fill out some papers, blah, blah,
blah.... I didn't hurt myself any. I mean, my back was
hurt, but it had been hurting since I started thereanyway.

After the dishes, another break, and then I get the
milks and juices ready for breakfast for the next day.
Then comes our 2nd lunch break. After THAT, we do
dinner trayline, where I serve up the main entree.
I think this is the job I hate the most. In addition
to the entree, we have to have variations for the
people who have trouble chewing and/or swallowing
(ground and pureed), and we also have an alternate
choice for people who don't want the main entree. (Or
both...some of those old folks can pack away some
food..lol) Having so many items to choose from can get
tricky when the trayline starts moving and you have to
serve it up as quickly as possible.

The other problem is having an entree that isn't easily
dished up in uniform serving sizes. Such as pot roast,
for instance, where the meat falls apart easily. I am
always afraid I am giving someone either too much or
too little. And if there is gravy involved, look out.
It's very hard to put up the right serving size in a
manner that looks attractive, in a rapid fashion AND
try not to make a mess, too.....

Another break (whoa, what's with all the breaks?), and
then I load the dishwasher....it's a little different
from unloading, cuz I am pretty much standing in one
spot. But, sometimes my arms are moving so fast it
feels like I am doing aerobics..lol. Clean up then,
and go home. Supposed to get off at 8, but I think we
have only twice in the almost 3 weeks I have been
there now. And, while it is still a lot better than
getting off at 4 a.m., it is starting to be a drag.

Now, on to training for other jobs....I have been
offered a promotion already, to cook. My first thought
when Ed asked me if I had ever considered cooking was
"Oh no, HELL no!!" He said he thought I was
intelligent and a conscientious worker and that the
job I am doing right now isn't much of a mental
challenge (he's right about that). Anyway, after he
told me the starting pay was over 2 bucks more an
hour, I decided to try it. I am not sure when I start,though.

That's pretty much been my life for the last month.
The confusion and depression and elation I
mentioned... well, I'm sure you all know. That's just
more of the same old same old re: my personal life... I'll spare you the boring details.

Ummm...what else....free food where I work now, and
lots of breaks. I have gained 3 pounds since I
started, I am at 249 again. Trying to get back into
walking again, and it has been suggested that I walk
on my breaks (yeah yeah yeah, Soda). I have actually
done that a few times.

Oh, yeah...my bros are now trying to lose weight, having a little contest. Bill said whoever gets to 225 first would be the winner. I told him that they would both be winners :-) Anyway, that's it for today. I'll try to get more "with it" again in terms of posting and updating. Have a greatweek :-D

August 28
Only been a week this time...still not quite as timely
as I aspire to be, but hey, it's better than going a
month between posts...here are some random thoughts
and/or happenings from the past week....

Saturday I went to meet a girl I have been chatting
with. She told me where she worked and said to come by
sometime and say hi, so I did. Ahhhh, if only it were
that simple. In my mind, I went up to her, said hi,
asked when she got a break, and then we spent sometime together.

In reality.....it wasn't hard to pick her out, because
she told me she was blonde and there was only one
blond there. Wow, she's really cute, but that's beside
the point. The place was really busy. The only way I
was going to get a chance to talk to her was to buy
something, so I picked up a children's book. Keep in
mind that, as is my nature, I am scared to death...

I get to the register, and I just can't say anything
other than the usual customer/salesperson blah blah
blah. She had seen my pic, and if there had been the
slightest glimmer that she recognized me, I could have
said hi and been done with it. Alas, no.....so I went
out, came back in, got another book, and got in line again.

This time, I was next to be checked out, there was no
one else around...I'm gonna do it this time. I'm gonna
say something...and then the girl at the next register
said, "I can help you over here, sir." Grrrrr.....back
out the door. Screw it, I'm just gonna leave this
time. But I knew if I left without saying anything I
would feel like the biggest loser in the world. So,back in I went.....

And watched and waited and walked around and waited
and walked and watched. I'm sure if I had gone out and
come back in one more time security would have stopped
me to see what the hell I was doing. Finally, I could
see she was going on break, here's my chance. This is
pretty much the gist of my conversation. "Duhhhhhh...
hey, you said to come by and say hi so, duhhhh, here I
am. So, like, uh, hi, uh, I guess, duhhhhh..." Man, I
have such a way with words....is it any wonder that we
didn't end up spending her break together? So, in the
end, I still pretty much felt like a loser but, c'est
la vie. I had my adventure for the day.

That was Saturday. Sunday was an exercise in
self-deprivation. With the Monday morning (yes, I am
back to Monday now) weigh-in looming over my head,
just absolutely sure I had probably gained another 3-5
pounds from trying to eat the blues away, I knew I had
to do something, something to prove to myself that I
had at least a little control.

We had fried chicken for lunch. I don't know how many
of you know this, but there aren't many things that I
like better than fried chicken. A big old breast
(naturally). Well, I didn't eat any chicken. I ate a
little bit of salad. Slooooowly. The way I am supposed
to eat. And then I took a short walk around the
building, 5 minutes or so. That's all I had time for
after eating so sloooooooowly. But, I proved I can do it if I put my mind to it.

If I really want an exercise in self-deprivation, I
should get away from the computer. I have been
chatting way too much. And sometimes it's really cool.
I have met a few people online that I consider good
friends. But, sometimes it's like trying to pull teeth.

Conversation and getting to know people is supposed to
be a 2 way street, but too often I find that I am the
only one showing any interest. I don't get asked
questions beyond the initial, "Hey, how ya doing?"
And, the answers I get are monosyllables. Yeah. No,
Dunno. OK, "dunno" is 2 syllables. At least make it a
little easier for me, give me an answer that gives me
something to work with. What does it say about me that
I consider this "fun"? It says I am hooked, if I am being honest with myself.

And this is the part that gets me...a lot of these
people (OK, women...I don't chat with many guys) tell me what a good "friend" I am. I guess it's because I show an interest in them and listen to their problems. It would be nice if I got some of that back, and I DO from the ones I would consider good friends.

And I don't mean to sound so harsh.... these women are all very nice. I just think that I am more someone to pass the time with than someone they really have any interest in knowing. In any case, my next exercise may be to scale back mychat time....

Having said that....there is one lady that I had a
slight...."disagreement" is too strong a word, I
think, but we had some kind of episode a few days ago.
She has helped me out more than she will ever know by
giving me the confidence to go out and sing and play
my guitar, and I still think she is very cool, and I miss chatting with her.

Work has been going OK. I still don't know when I get
to start cooking. The biggest problem there is....get
ready for this....there are some very negative people
there. I know...some of you probably think I should
fit right in, but...these people make me look like
Little Marty Sunshine. Just bitching all day long
about how the place sucks, and their job sucks. Well,
it's really not that bad, if everyone would just show
up and shut up and do their job.

And then there is "that girl". The first time I saw
her I thought she was incredibly beautiful. Now, I
would still do her (I AM a guy, after all), but she
has one of the most unattractive personalities that I
have ever seen. She's bossy, condescending and she
thinks she knows everything. But the worst thing about
her.....she is studying to be a nurse, OK? I usually
admire people that can do that kind of work. It's very
demanding, and I always thought that nurses were
caring and compassionate people. Qualities that as I
get older I am striving to have more of (and it is
REALLY a struggle for me sometimes.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why in the
world this girl wants to become a nurse. Maybe she is
a completely different person in the nursing world,
but around the kitchen, I have yet to see her show an
ounce of compassion. And I am not saying this just
because she said I reminded her of a cross between an
Oompa-Loompa and Mr. Magoo. I actually thought that
was pretty funny..lol. Maybe it's just fat people she
has no compassion for, it seems that a lot of her
barbs are pointed along those lines....in any case, I
guess I have to put up with her.

Good God...right now I feel like I could go on for
days, and I am sure to all of you it seems like I
already have. One final thought....it seems weird that
I can say this stuff to all of you and I don't talk to
me family about it...stuff like when I was going
through the whole "I miss my dad" thing. We talked
about it a little, but....I dunno, it seems like that
should be the kind of thing that family is for. Just
harder to open up in person, tho.

Of course, some people on the list are good friends of
Alice's, and now a friend of my bro's (well, my
friend, too, but more my bro's) is on the list, hey,
Bob G., so who knows whether or not any of this stuff
gets back to them.....until next time, adios dear
diary and my peoples :-) Oh, for the record...246 pounds, 226 lost :-)
************************************************************
September 1
I am writing to you from the Middletown Public Library.
Things have sure changed since the last time I was
here. They have some really sweet new Gateway
computers...damn, I wish I had one of these at home.
They have actual chairs at the computer stations, too,
instead of those little stools that always felt like
they were about to ride up your...well, nevermind.

My computer situation is going to change soon,
hopefully. I was at work yesterday, struggling all day
with the idea of how I am going to come up with the
cash to buy a monitor...then I get here and check my
e-mail, and lo and behold.....a very good friend of
mine sent me an e-mail saying she has a monitor I can
have. Sweet!! Sometimes I can't understand how people
can be so good to me...thank you, Nilla. I also have
to thank Maria, who apparently put a lot of effort
into finding me a good deal on a monitor at a sitecalled half.com.

Bottom line, thanks to Nilla(thanks again :-D)and
providing that everything works out OK (I am totally
clueless when it comes to hooking this stuff up, but I
am sure she can help me), I should be computing from
home again very soon. Which is a good thing, since I
won't be able to get to the library tomorrow, and it
will be closed Monday for the holiday....and I have
also been struggling with the idea of finding a friend
that would let me check my e-mail one of those days..lol

Speaking of the holiday, I have to work...every damn
day of the holiday weekend. One of my buddies(Bud, as
a matter of fact, who will be spending the weekend
boating), said, "All I can say is, it sure sucks to be
you." And it does, kinda...until I think about the
fact that this is the first time in about 9 years that
I have been ABLE to labor on Labor Day....so that
ain't so bad after all :-) Have a great weekend, everyone!!!!

September 6
I am officially back online from Casa de Luna. Nilla
brought me an old monitor she had and we hooked it up
Tuesday. It's almost exactly like the monitor I used
to have. The only problem I am having with it is I
haven't been able to get any sound out of it, so my
voice chatting days are over for awhile. Not that I
have been doing it much, but hey, you never know.....in
any case, thank you very much, Nilla :-)

The raving bitch at work has actually been pretty nice
to me lately. So nice that I have been considering the
possiblity that she was just having a bad couple of
days when I formed my impression of her. Only time
will tell....she was in line for something at break
time the other day and I looked over at her, and she
smiled and waved at me....took me totally by surprise.
What a devastating smile it is, too.

Unfortunately, she still insists on calling me Oompa.
But, hey...it's better than Magoo, and the sad truth
is a girl that looks like that can call me just about
anything she wants. Except for something like Fat
Bastard.......I am the only one that can get away with
calling me that without pissing me off..lol.

There are actually quite a few really cute girls at
work now. If only they weren't so young **sigh**. The
age doesn't bother me (of course....I AM a dirty old
man, after all..lol), but, well....I just have the
feeling that I don't have what it takes to appeal to
those young thangs. I was talking to one yesterday
about hanging out sometime, because she said she had
no life. After seeing the look on her face (shock?), I
quickly added that I wasn't talking about a "date".
She seemed quite relieved at that.....ah, well...

September 7
Tuesday I went to see the heart doctor for a
check-up. I was supposed to go see him in July, but I
put it off for financial reasons. Going in, I wasn't
TOO worried, cuz I have been feeling pretty OK. Of
course, if you know me at all you know I was worried
at least a little bit in the back of my mind because,
well, because that's what I do..lol. Anyway......

The doc said he couldn't find any evidence that I
even have a heart. (ba-dum-bum....Thanks, folks. I'll
be here all weekend. Don't forget to tip your
waitress.) Seriously, he said everything is cool. The
echocardiogram I had last Thursday indicated that the
cardiomyopathy hasn't gotten any worse. Stay on the
same meds, see him again in a year. Cool.

He also gave his approval for "the walk". Which is a
good thing, I guess......I have been way too tired
from working to do much training for it. So, from that
standpoint it is kind of iffy. I am going to pick the
day soon, though (probably late October/early
November), and by God, I WILL walk 15 miles on that day!!

September 10
Musings from a (semi-lost) weekend....

I have been trying to revamp the journal page. I am
going through and putting everything so that it reads
in chronological order as you scroll from top to
bottom. I really don't know WHY I am doing this, but
when I started I am sure there was a point. One of the
thoughts that occurred to me as I read through some of
this stuff....my buddy Bob has commented that he was
surprised to read how open I have been in the few
journal entries he has read. He's probably really
going to be shocked by some of the stuff I have written in the past....

A year ago this weekend, I was on the road. I went to
Ft. Wayne, Indiana for a concert, and then on to
Michigan to visit my friend Mindy. I had a great time
that weekend. I think that's why I have been kind of
down this weekend, though. That was my last big
adventure. I think I am ready for another one, but I
don't know when/if the financial aspect is ever goingto work out.

Actually, there is more to it than that. A lot of
thinking about people I have met, and people I haven't
met, and whether any of it really matters anyway.....
whether I really matter, anyway. About whether....oh,
just quit your damn whining already, Marty!!

Sunday me and Alice went out to my sis's house with my
younger bro and his wife. As usual, I felt a little
out of place when the talk turned to religion, as it
inevitably does, but it was nice, anyway. I had a good
time wrestling around with Graham (he's only 2 years
old and he pinned me 6 times in a row!!! ;-D), and
chasing him and Haley around the house.

And, as uncomfortable as the religious stuff makes
me....I got a little choked up when Graham recited
John 3:16 (which also happens to be the only Bible
verse I know). I don't know what it was....maybe the
obvious joy on his face as he was saying these words,
how proud he was of himself....it just got to me a
little bit. God, what a sap I am!

Sunday night was also quite a bit of fun. I got
together and jammed with Chuck and Donnie. We used to
be in a couple of bands together, a wedding band and a
band called The Knadz that used to play in bars. The
last time we played together was in December of '99.
Donnie hadn't even seen me at all since then. I think
he was kind of stunned. It was kind of neat how much
stuff we still remembered (or sort of remembered, as the case may be).

I think we are going to try to resurrect the wedding
band a little bit. Personally, I would rather bring
back the The Knadz, but even doing some wedding gigs
will be pretty groovy, if we actually do it. It would
have been neat to have EVERYONE together, including
Bob the keyboard player and Kris, a.k.a. Chick Singer.

Alas, I don't think Bob plays much anymore (what a
shame) and Kris is pretty busy, too...I dunno if she
is going to be involved or not, but it would be great
if she is. A friend of Chuck's named Derek blew some
sax last night, though, so that was pretty cool.

September 11
I have gotten a few e-mails from people telling me
that they're sorry that they did something to cause me
to feel like I didn't matter. So, I guess I owe them
an apology, because I didn't want anyone to feel like
there was any blame being spread.

OK, I admit....when I went 3 weeks without sending out
an update and there barely seemed to be any notice....
THAT kind of bothered me. But, like I said at the
time, I generally try to keep in mind that people are
busy. I myself have been very (VERRRRY) crappy about
keeping up with e-mail lately. I just replied to one
that was written to me about 3 weeks ago.

This thing the other day...you know, I think about
that kind of stuff a lot. Why am I here? Do I matter?
If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?
When I get a little down, I constantly have those
kinds of thoughts.....it wasn't anything that anyone
did or didn't do. It's just me playing out the role of
the tragic hero in the story of my life. You know, the
prince with the heart of gold that for whatever reason
is destined to live his life alone.

I'm sure I'll feel that way again, too, but I am kind
of OK now. Thanks for all the concern and
encouragement, tho. Besides hearing from some old
friends, I got a very motivational e-mail from one of
the new listers, and someone also told me that reading
my journal helps him sometimes, to know that someone
else is struggling with the game of life. So, that was
pretty cool to hear. Take care, y'all and thanks
again :-)

September 12
All I can say is...well, I really don't know what to
say. Some heavy duty, bad, bad shit went down
yesterday.

I was chatting with Soda yesterday morning when she told me about the World Trade Towers. I admit.... I didn't really think much about it. Sure, it was a terrorist attack, but it was in N.Y. Nothing to do with me.

Then she told me about the Pentagon, and yeah, whoa
man, that's freaky....but it still nothing to do with
me. I told Soda that mom would probably want me to
stay home from work because she would be scared, and
Soda told me to get another family member to stay with
her, I needed to go to work. I was actually a little
pissed that she had such a low opinion of my work
ethic that she thought I would stay home.

I didn't really think much about it until I was on the
way to work. The station was broadcasting the ABC News
feed...I don't remember the exact words, but Peter
Jennings said something like, "And there goes the
other tower." And it hit me.....jeez, there must have
been thousands of people in those buildings...and the
people on the airplanes. Innocent people. Now they're dead....and I wept.

All the way to work, and then choking back tears
several times throughout the day...I cried for the
astounding loss of humanity. People that had nothing
to do with whatever supposed wrong our nation
perpetrated against whomever is responsible.

And I wondered, what must have been going through the
minds of those people? The ones on the planes, knowing
that they are going to die soon. The ones that jumped
from the World Trade Center...I can only attempt to
imagine what must have been going through their minds.
Fear of burning to death?? The policemen and firemen who, while everyone's else's instincts were telling them to get away, ran towards the scene to try to help, many of them paying with their lives. I wept for
all of them. I wept for Keith, my friend that lives in
NYC, hoping that he was all right (he is!).

I don't know....it will take a far better mind than
mine to make sense of all of this, if there is any
sense to be made. All I can do is hope...hope that all
of my list friends out there are OK. And pray....if
ever a situation called for prayer, this might be the
one. I pray that all of you out there in "Marty's List
World" are OK, and that your families weren't touched
by this insanity. I pray for all of the innocent
people that died....and for their families. I pray
for....well, I just pray.......take care of yourselves, everyone.

September 14
Probably not a good time to write this...I am half
asleep and I am a little drunk....but what the hell....

First off..I gotta apologize to Soda. She told me that
she wasn't questioning my work ethic the other day,
but so much was going on that she didn't get a chance
to explain that for me not to go to work would be
giving in to fear. I can dig that. She also commented
that she didn't like being raked over the coals in
public. While I think "raked over the coals" is a
little bit of a strong interpretation of what I said,
it WAS public, and therefore the apology must be, as well. I'm sorry......

Yesterday was an awesome day...weather-wise, anyway.
Beautiful sun, and not too hot. I took advantage by
going for my first walk in a while, 4 1/2 miles. I
also wound up just a tad on the crispy side ;-)

Now, the big issue.....calls for retribution,
retaliation, revenge....the three R's they don't teach
in school. Unless you happen to be an object of
ridicule, in which case you spend a great deal of time
thinking sbout them. But I digress.....

People, even people I would never expect to condone
violence, are calling for "the American hammer of
justice" to be brought down upon Osama bin Laden and
his supporters...or whoever else planned this attack.
I can understand the feeling. Old Marty would have
been right there, too. "Let's bomb those fuckers into
oblivion!!!" Let's turn Kabul, Afghanistan (for
example...and is Afghanistan where Kabul is? My
geography is a little fuzzy) into Smokin' Hole in the Ground, Afghanistan.

But Old Marty didn't care if he died. New Marty feels
like there are still things he wants/needs to do with
his life. I'll be darned if I know what they are right
now, tho ;-) Meeting some of you would be right at the
top of the list...but I swear, I'm drunk and I didn't
really just say that..and if I did, I didn't mean
it ;-)

My point is, New Marty is not ready to die. You might
even say he is afraid of dying, and he is afraid of
what might happen after that retaliation. Violence
begets more violence....on the other hand, would life
in prison work as a deterrent? Probably not.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Everyone's
entitled to their own opinion, and as you can see,
mine is clear as mud. I just pray (at least what
passes for prayer, for me) that the right decision is
made, and that you're all around being bored to tears
by my journal for a long time to come. Anyway, take
care of yourselves, and as Kurt and Dallas (2 guys I
work with)would say : Peace out, yo!!

September 17
In light of what's going on in the world today, I feel
a little strange about saying I had a good or great
day, week, whatever. On a personal level, tho, the
last few days have been pretty good.

The weather has been fairly incredible, sunny and not
too hot (it's actually been downright chilly in the
mornings), and I have taken advantage as much as
possible either by walking on my breaks at work or
just going out and standing or sitting in the sun.

Yesterday was especially good. The day got off to a
rousing start when I heard "Brick House" on the way to
work. Hot damn!! It's amazing sometimes what a mood
lifter music can be. I heard some other grooving
songs, too...I was car seat dancing all the way. Half
of that dancing was to the jamming of Butterfly
Jones.....I can't believe I haven't mentioned them before.

A couple of the guys from dada have a new band (the
aforementioned Butterfly Jones) and their "Napalm
Springs" cd is really awesome. Some really great
rocking stuff, and "Wonder"...one of the most
beautiful songs I have ever heard, even if saying that
does make me a sap (inside joke.....)

I passed on the fried chicken for lunch again. One day
I am going to take this self deprivation thing further
and give up chatting for a few days, or....something
else that I do a lot. I'm sure I could think of something...

Dinner trayline was kind of stressful...it's hard to
explain why...but the raving bitch (now referred to
here as Oompa Girl) was actually very nice and helpful
to me. I have decided that she wasn't trying to be
mean-spirited by calling me Oompa. Heck, maybe she
thinks Oompas are cute, I dunno. Which doesn't mean
she's always a good person...I still see flashes of
that bitchy, bossy girl I first encountered, but as
long as it's directed elsewhere, I can live with it...

September 19
Wow....I feel stunned and pretty much like crap right
now, but I am not going to get into it. I haven't
written for a couple of days, and some cool (at least
to me) stuff happened, so here goes.....

I went back to the open mic night last week to check
and see how closely they were enforcing the "original
material" policy. My understanding is that people have
been slipping covers in, so I went ahead and signed up
to play, thinking that I would be able to finish a
couple songs I have been working on, play those, and
maybe a couple of the songs I had been playing. Well,
I haven't finished the songs (big damn surprise), but
that isn't the point, anyway.

I noticed at the bottom of the "no covers" sign it
said if you have written permission from the artist,
you can perform their songs. So, I e-mailed Joie Calio
of dada and Chris Shaffer of The Why Store/Shaffer
Street and asked for permission to play their songs.
Joie e-mailed back the next day giving me permission
to perform any dada song I want to, and the following
day I got an e-mail from Chris saying that he was
putting the letter in the mail that day. Is that cool,or what?

I was going to relay the story of how I made a pretty
girl smile, but I doubt if that is a big deal to
anyone but me. Actually...most of this stuff is
probably not a big deal to anyone but me, but I write
it, and you read it, and some of you respond to it,
and some of you even say it helps you to read it. So,
I am especially thankful for that, because I know I
need all the help I can get....and if, in turn, a big
tater head like me is able to help someone else.....well....it's a good thing.

By the way....I know most of you haven't heard of The
Why Store....they had a song called Father that was
semi popular on the radio around here a few years ago,
but I had pretty much forgotten about them until a
friend from Ft. Wayne (where they're from) startedtalking about them.

So far, the only song of theirs I do is one called
Happy Place....it's a pretty simple song, but it's one
of the ones I enjoy playing the most. Part of it goes,
"We all need happier places. We all want a better
life...." Amen to that. I'm gonna go see if I can get to a happy place right now.

September 20
Yesterday started out shitty and went downhill from
there. I am not going into the reason it started out
shitty. I WILL tell you about the downhill part....

As I was getting ready to go to work, I discovered
that I had locked my keys in my car. My ONLY set of
keys. No biggie...the police department will open it
up for me, at least that's what someone once told me.
WRONG!!! They don't do that anymore unless there is a
child locked in the car. The lady I spoke to said it's
a liability issue....what kind of liability can there
be if I am standing there telling them to open the
damn door?!?!? She said call a wrecker service. One
wanted $35, another $40, just to come out and open thedoor. Ugh....

I got my sis-in-law to take me to work. I didn't know
what I was going to do about the door, but I couldn't
just sit there and not go to work while I was trying
to figure it out. Maybe someone at work would know
someone that could open it for me.

I get to work (an hour late) and discover the dish
machine is broken. UGH! If you think loading and/or
unloading a dishwasher is a pain in the ass (and I
did), try washing 300 sets of dishes, not to mention
the pots, pans, utensils, etc....by hand........TWICE.

I finished the day out by apparently pissing off
another friend of mine.....she may not be pissed, tho,
I could just be being overly sensitive. Now, that
would be a real shocker, wouldn't it? I'm afraid I
didn't handle this stuff very well, either....I pretty
much at whatever the hell I wanted to all day long...another shocker, I know.....

There was a bright spot to the day. My older bro got
my door open and saved me the 35-40 bucks, so that waspretty cool.

I don't feel quite so bad this morning. I woke up at
3:30 and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up and
worked some more on getting the journal page revamped.
It's almost ready to go. I am resigned to the fact of
the "shitty" situation. Maybe someday it will change, if not......c'est la vie.

There is another piece of good news I got the other
day and have been forgetting to relay to you. I am
supposed to start training as a cook, either when the
new schedule starts Monday, or the following schedule,
2 weeks after that. I am sure I'll be getting nervous
as the day approaches. Right now all I can think is,
"Yippie!! More money!!!" It will be the highest paying
job I have ever had, if you don't count the 2 days I worked for the census.

September 22
Not a whole lot going on....I was going to go play the open mic night Thursday. I was just too damn tired, after waking up at 3:30 that morning. It's a good thing, too, because I could barely keep my eyes open by the time I would have been driving home. Unless you're ZZ Top(oh, no...another musical reference!!), it's not a good idea to be driving with your eyes closed.

I know you are all just dying of curiosity. I made mention previously that Mark, Don and Mel was a semi obscure band reference. No one picked up on it, or at least if you did, you didn't tell me. I was talking about Grand Funk Railroad, of course! Some Kind of Wonderful. Heartbreaker. The classic, I'm Your Captain (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah). Mark, Don and Mel was the name of one of their albums. Ahhh, well.....I tried to inject a little levity into the proceddings.

I've had a couple of e-mails recently from people I havent heard from in a while. Roz reminded me that I am one tough son-of-a-bitch and I can do anything I put my mind to. I guess my mind isn't in the right place right now. Tim C. reminded me of the time at work when I came sliding into the aisle on my knees playing air guitar to "I'm Gonna Tear Your Playhouse Down" by Paul Young. Ahhhh.....good times.

Aly reminded me that... well, that she's Aly, and that she's there supporting me *hgus*. She also said I didn't have to reply, since I am always talking about being behind on e-mail. But I will....eventually ;-)
Others, too...Claudia, Vanessa, David, John...the list goes on and on. Apparently besides being one tough son-of-a-bitch I am also a lazy bastard. It doesn't mean you're not in my thoughts.

One final, brief note....I have recently come to a realization about this thing called "a job". It's something you have to keep doing, isn't it? I mean, I go one day, and then I have to turn right around and go back the next. Ugh! Except the next 2 days....I'm off this weekend, WOO-HOO!!

September 23
Yesterday was a pretty cool day. A friend of mine has
this thing he does every year, sort of a "male bonding" thing. No, it doesn't involve dancing around a fire naked and chanting and beating on drums. Actually, maybe it has in the past, I have never been to one before. I have been invited before, but fat,lazy Old Marty never went. He didn't want to get his ass up off the couch and do anything.

New Marty was all over that thang. The guys played
badminton, New Marty played badminton. New Marty sucked at it, but he had fun. It sure wasn't like the badminton I played when we were kids, when the idea was to keep volleying the birdie back and forth as much as it was to score points. These guys were out for blood, at least as much as you can be out for blood with a birdie.... excuse me, shuttlecock.

The guys played volleyball, New Marty played volleyball. He sucked at that, too, but damn, it was a good time. I was moving, diving (well, sometimes it was just falling). I wish I could have been better at the game, but I had fun, and a lot of the guys seemed genuinely happy that I was able to be out there playing. I mean, these are guys that talk some serious smack to each other, that really want to win. They could easily have made me feel like I sucked so bad that I should go sit down...and sometimes I DID feel that way, but that all came from me.....everyone was really great to me.

There was lots of eating and poker playing, too (great
chili, Bob) and I came out 8 bucks ahead after it was all said and done....but the best thing to me was being able to be there and do something and not sit on my big fat ass. Thanks to Bob for the invite, and to Steve, Keith, Mark and everyone else for making me feel so welcome. Matt (my bro) even called me volleyball star today and told me how cool it was to see me out there playing. Bill (other bro) got into the act for awhile, too....it was cool for us all to be together.

I am not nearly as sore today as I thought I would be,
either...and let me tell you, that's a really good thing. My knee hurts a little, but I didn't let it stop me from walking 3 miles this morning. Shirt off, of course, but I DID wear a hat this time, because my head got a little sunburned last time.

It was great out there. The sun was out, it wasn't too
hot, awesome tunes (Butterfly Jones). After I walked I
took my hat off and just sat there in the sun and grooved a little bit. There is a line in one of their songs, "Don't it make you wonder, and ain't it beautiful?" And it WAS beautiful...I got a little bit misty, to be honest....I was thinking, if there is a God, He did today up right. It might not have been so beautiful for the people that heard me singing, but.....that's life, peoples......it was good for me.

Gotta go...today is older bro's birthday and we're having a little party for him. It's a surprise, kinda, so don't tell him if you see him ;-) Happy 40, Bill!

September 24
We had a birthday party for bro yesterday. We
successfully pulled off the surprise element, but he pointed out it's maybe not such a good idea to shock
someone with a heart condition..lol. Anyway, we all had a good time, and the Bengals even have him a present, too, by whipping the ass of last year's Super Bowl champs, the Baltimore Ravens. Rock on, Bengals!!! I am boldly predicting that the Cincinnati Bengals are Super Bowl-bound, baby!!!!

I also had a bit of a disappointment earlier in the day. It's kind of a long story, I will try to make it as brief as possible. Pretty girl, working in a restaurant. Always wanted to ask her out, never had the nerve. Found out this was her last week, she is leaving to start her own Mary Kay cosmetics thingy... business, franchise, whatever the term would be.

This is the pretty girl I made smile the other day....
When I found out she was quitting, I told her she had a beautiful smile and that my day was always brighter whenever I got to see her....she smiled and said I was
going to make her cry. I thought about asking her out
then, but I didn't want to ruin the moment. I did ask
for a business card, though. She didn't have any
because they weren't ready yet, but I told her I would
come back on her last day and get one.

Alas, she wasn't there *sigh* So, the lesson to me is
I should have a) just gone ahead and asked her out, or
b) at least asked her for her phone number when she said her cards weren't ready yet. I doubt that she would have said yes, anyway, but I need to start taking chances like that. So what if she says no... there will be other girls to ask out.

September 25
I have heard from a few people lately using the
dreaded "I" word....inspiration. Calling me an
inspiration. It is very nice to hear things like that,
but I feel so ill-equipped to inspire anyone to do
anything. All I'm doing is trying.....if I gain some
one week, I try to do better the next week. Obviously
I am not always successful....this struggle to break
away from 250 pounds tells me that. But I am stilltrying......

Some people have also asked the status of "The Walk".
At this point, I am looking at Nov. 3 as W-Day. Some
concerns have been expressed to me about whether or
not I should go through with walking 15 miles, when I
haven't been walking that much. And yes, I can
understand the concerns. So let me say that as the day
draws near.....if I start to have serious doubts about
my ability to carry on with it, I will call it off.

Let me also say this.....I have spent so much of my
life giving up on things. New Marty doesn't want to be
the kind of guy that just quits if something gets a
little tough. That's how I have managed to keep
working...some days I wanna just crawl back in bed and
pull the covers over my head.

I'll be sensible about this....I am going to try to
get some walking in and build my my distance and my
endurance. But I am not quitting.

September 29
I think fate is conspiring against me. I found out
that my little drive-thru girl hadn't quit working at
the restaurant yet. Someone told me she would be
working Friday and Sunday. So, I went through on my
way to work yesterday and......she was downstairs at
the moment, not in the drive thru, and I didn't have
time to hang around. I get one more shot, tomorrow. I
am wondering if I just pop the question (Will you go
out with me, not will you marry me ;-D) or if I just
try to get her phone number.....if I even see her,that is......

I didn't go to open mic again the other night. My
wrist was hurting, but the main reason was that I had
not practiced enough, and I wasn't sufficiently
motivated enough to practice. Seems as if I am
slipping into slacker bastard mode. I was more
motivated to just sit here and drink. At least I
didn't send out any potentially embarrassing e-mails....

OK, here is the deal....with a new month dawning, I
have just over a month to train for the walk. Once
again, I am appealing to those of you that I chat with
especially, but everyone really, to hound me
mercilessly like the dog that I am about walking. I
may whine, I may get pissed off....or, I may not,
hell, I dunno......but I don't want to cop out on this
thing, so I am asking for your help.

September 30
As we slip into the month of ghoulies and ghosties and
long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night.....

I received some good merciless hounding yesterday,
both in the form of chat and e-mail. Thanks. Keep it
up. For the record, yesterday was an absolutely
gorgeous day, and I took advantage of it by walking
before work and on two of my breaks. They were short
walks, to be sure, but better than just sitting there.
I walked around the building, and then paced around
the break area, bopping to Butterfly Jones and getting
weird looks from my co-workers. At least I was able to
restrain myself from whipping out the air guitar.

I certainly got more exercise than I am used to
somewhere, because I am very sore right now. It must
have been because I was putting away dishes last night
instead of unloading the dish machine....a lot more
walking, which is a good thing.

I have also decided that if the cooking thing doesn't
work out (not that I am expecting it to, but it's
always good to have a back-up plan), if I stay where I
am I want to pull carts. That's taking the carts full
of trays to the various floors and wings, and then
going back to get them. It appears to be the most physical
kitchen job there is.

Isn't it ironic (don't ya think?)....when I first had
the idea for The Walk, and the subsequent idea that
maybe I could raise money for charity, one of the
charities I considered was something involving breast
cancer research. Now that I have decided on the Sept.
11 Fund, the news comes that one of my aunts has
breast cancer. I don't know any of the details yet,
like whether or not they caught it early enough to
treat it, but keep your fingers crossed, and bust out
those prayers if you're so inclined. Thanks.

October 1
Yesterday would have been an absolutely fabulous day
had I not been at work. As it was, it was an OK day,
and I got out a couple of times on breaks and walked a
little bit. I am off Tuesday....hope the weather holds
out until then.

I saw drive-thru girl yesterday. Which was good. I
know someone that actually wants to buy some cosmetic
type stuff from her. Plus....well, it's always good to
see a pretty girl. She didn't have any business cards
again, so I asked for her phone number. Before she
gave it to me, she said, "Why?", or "Tell me why," or
something like that and had kind of a suspicious look
on her face, so I am thinking that a request to go out
would be met with a big, "No, way, Jose." Which
doesn't mean I won't ask sometime. New Marty wants to
be at least a little bit of a risk taker. Is he there yet? I dunno...

Someone referred to drive-thru girl in an e-mail to me
as the "girl of my dreams". She's not that....I don't
know if there IS a girl of my dreams (except maybe
Teri Hatcher....have mercy!). She's just a real cute
girl with a beautiful smile....and I, being a "typical
guy", am a sucker for that...even knowing that the
important thing is what's behind that beautiful smile.

There's probably some kind of whole twisted self-esteem
thing at work here, but I don't know if I can
articulate it coherently. I have had women tell me
that I am a good-looking guy. My first reaction,
mentally, at least, is, "Yeah, right," or, "Just how
high ARE you?!?" If I actually had the nerve to ask
someone out like that and she said yes, maybe it would
be validation that I am at least half-way attractive
or something. Yes, it's sad that I need that. I should
just think I am a great guy no matter what anyone
else's opinion is. Ah, well......the work continues.
*New Marty under consruction*

October 3
Ugh...I woke up at 3:30 again. It's 5:15 now, and I am
getting ready to try to go back to sleep for a bit,
but I thought I would dash off a journal entry first.

I walked 4 1/2 miles yesterday. I had thought about
going for 6, but....as I was coming to the end of my
third(and what turned out to be last)lap around the
park, I noticed my feet were starting to feel a little tender.

My first inclination was to go ahead and go for 6
miles. After all, as Roz says, I AM A TOUGH
SON-OF-A-BITCH AND I CAN DO ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO.
But it's not about being tough, at this point....maybe
when I am actually doing The Walk, yes, but right
now....it makes more sense not to try to push through
any pain and wind up hurting myself or doing anything
to set me back. Slow and steady wins the race, in this case.

If I walk the entire distance and everyone sends the
money pledged, I should raise about 500 bucks for the
Sept. 11 Fund. Not the windfall I had hoped for when I
was in the initial planning stages, but better than
nothing. Next week I am going to get a friend to make
up some posters for me to put up at work and a couple
places around town, to see if I can bump it up a little.

October 6
I should really date this for the 7th. The clock is
getting ready to strike the witching hour as I type.
I've had a lot on my mind the last few days, some of
which I can talk about, and some I can't. Let's just
say the thing I can't talk about had me very sad for a
couple of days, but I am getting better.

I had my first day of cook training yesterday. It was
a little overwhelming. I hope they give me lots of
training before they turn me loose by myself. I also
made the rookie mistake of opening the door to the
steamer without turning it off and got a real cool
steam burn on my hand. Oh well, it doesn't hurt quite
so bad today. Hurt like a mother when I did it,tho......

I walked 7 1/2 miles today(well, yesterday now). Yes
you read that right. If you count the walking I did
while I was at the laundromat, it was over 8 1/2
miles. I'm not really sure how the 7 1/2 came about. I
guess somewhere in the middle there I decided to go
for half of The Walk, so I could try to gauge how I
would feel and my recovery. Surprisingly, I don't feel
nearly as bad as I thought I would.

Through most of my walk I was jamming to Butterfly
Jones, but I turned the music off for one lap so I
could just think. About what's going on, about life in
general, about some of the changes I've been through.
I look people in the eye a lot more now. I used to
walk with my head down all the time, only barely
looking up when people said hi. Now I walk head up,
unless I don't want to be bothered.

Some girl running in the park told me I was looking
good. I don't recall ever seeing her before, but it's
always nice to hear. A lady at work keeps telling me
how much will power I have, too...sure doesn't feel
like it sometimes. This has been an OK week tho, I
think....we'll see when I get on the scale.

I felt like such a sap at the laundromat. They have a
jukebox, and someone played "He Stopped Loving Her
Today" by George Jones. It didn't sit well with the
mood I was in at the moment, not to mention the fact
that it was one of my dad's favorite songs (I been
thinking about him some lately). I almost started
bawling right there while I was taking clothes out of the dryer.....jeez.

October 8
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I didn't know what to
expect after the little 7 1/2 mile jaunt I took
Saturday. I thought I might be so sore that I couldn't
move, so it was a very pleasant surprise that I felt
hardly any ill effects at all.

I have a lot more confidence that I can really pull
this thing off now. Granted, I only walked half of the
15 miles, and I was tired at the end of it. But as I
was walking back to the car, I was thinking about
taking off on another lap.....I even very briefly
considered going ahead and doing the whole 15 and
getting it out of the way.....but it was kind of
chilly, it was getting late...I am hoping to get even
more money pledged in the next few weeks...there were
a lot of things that came into play.

We went to a birthday party for Graham, one of my
nephews. He turned 3 on the 2nd. Nilla went with
us.....spent a good deal of the day with her,
actually. She knows I have had a lot of stuff on my
mind lately, and she is pretty good at cheering me up.

Some of the people there were trying to sell me on the
joys of fatherhood. I'm just not buying it. I love my
nieces and nephews, don't get me wrong...and I can
appreciate the cuteness of other peoples' kids, too.
But I also really appreciate the fact that I am not
around them 24/7. "It's different when you have your
own. You realize there is nothing you wouldn't do forthem."
Maybe so....but maybe not. What if I am the exception
that proves the rule? (Whatever the hell that means. I
have never understood that saying.) I just don't think
it's fair to me OR to any potential Little Martys to
take that chance. Besides, I am still a child
myself..lol. Jeez, how did I get off on that track???

Anyway....yesterday was a pretty good day. Oh, and
today is a pretty good day, too...Happy Birthday,Laura (again ;-D)

October 14
This is more a formality than anything, just to let
you all know I am still alive. Haven't been much in a
journalizing mood lately. Haven't been in much of a
mood to do anything. Lots of stress and frustration at
work, lots of feeling incredibly run down, lots of
feeling....well, nevermind. I'll try to be back on the
good foot before I write again.

October 16
OK, I know I said I would try to be back on "the good
foot" before I wrote again. I'm not quite there yet,
but I'm trying to, as Bob G. so eloquently put it,
"get my head out of my ass." Thanks to him and to
everyone else that e-mailed supportive comments.

I got to meet a girl yesterday that I chatted with a
few times. It was nice. We took a walk around the park
and then sat and talked for awhile. I probably should
have wrapped things up before I busted out the guitar,
but, oh well, hindsight is 20/20. I guess I haven't
learned enough of a lesson about being prepared from
my open mic night disasters..lol. She was a good
sport, tho, and made all of the appropriate appreciative comments.

I had kinda hoped to go out with her some (especially
after I met her and saw how darn cute she is) but
things just didn't click like that. I may hang with
her again sometime, tho, if she wants to, because in
addition to that major cuteness she was very nice and
very cool....and if we do, I'll make sure I get a
chance to practice a little bit first ;-)

I also walked to the hospital to weigh myself at,
oh....3:30 in the morning, I think it was. About 6
miles, if the odometer on my car is correct. What a
frigging mistake that was. Not the distance, although
it seemed to take more of a toll on me than the 7 1/2
miles I did a couple weeks ago. The conditions sucked.
There a few places where there wasn't enough light for
me to really see where I was going, and I slipped and
almost fell a few times. Not to mention all the
traffic on the return trip.....

A busy road, a man walking blindly along the almost
non-existent shoulder of the road, what is wrong with
this picture? It has to be one of the dumber things I
have ever done. To the people on the list who have
actually driven Rte. 4 and might be thinking, "Jeez,
Marty, you baby....there is plenty of room to walk on
the side of the road," I say, try stumbling along it
in the dark. But, it made me realize that no matter
how I am feeling about life in general right now, at
least I am not ready to just "slip" in front of a
speeding semi yet, so that's a good thing.

October 17
I have done it now. My younger bro and his wife have
been added to my address book, which means they will
now receive the journal. Egads. I guess I have to only
project happy thoughts now. Nahhh.....that ain't gonna
happen...Who knows, maybe it will be good.... It has
always been easier to share things with all of you,
mostly strangers, than to talk to family. After they
read some of this stuff, maybe it will be easier to
talk to them about it, if they want. Or, they may
decide I am too much of a freak, and shun me from the
family. I'll keep ya posted...Just to start off with a little
sucking up, tho...

They are two of the best and nicest people I know.
Someday, when I decide to be an adult and stop sowing
whatever wild oats that a 37 year old teenager has
left to sow, it wouldn't bother me a bit if I was like my bro.

The teenager line sounds kind of funny, but it is
pretty much an accurate description of my
mental/emotional level, I think. When most people are
going through the dating thing and finding out who
they are and who they want to be with, I was pretty
much alone in my room. The fat kid. The shy kid. I had
a few friends and my family, of course. I even tried
asking a few girls out. One girl said yes and then
changed her mind. Another said yes, and we went out
(woo hoo) and then said she didn't want to go out with
me anymore because I was too young. (Is 3 years that
much of a difference? Maybe it was 5, but still....)

So, now that I have started opening up (a process that
started before I had the surgery, by the way, and one
of the few good things to come out of my internet
addiction ;-D) and have had dates with a few women, I
feel very much like a teenager....confused and
horny...lol. Sorry, I had to throw that in there, but
all joking aside, it's more or less true. I am very confused
about who I am and what I want. I feel like I
am not ready to be in a serious relationship with
anyone, but I hate being alone. And, I am very...well,you know ;-)

Ahhhhh, well....hey, if Dick Clark is the world's
oldest teenager, maybe I am second on the list. Do I
get to take over his life if he dies? Just a thought.

October 19
In the midst of all this whining I have been doing, I
have neglected to tell you about a couple of good
things that have happened lately.

The Main St. Exchange will ride again. That's the
wedding band I was in. The cool thing is that
apparently, everyone that was in the last incarnation
is coming back into the fold. That is a huge and
pleasant surprise. The last I heard from Bob the
Keyboard Player, he wasn't interested in playing music
at all. Which I thought was a real shame, because he
is awesome. Lucky for us, he has got the jones to play again.

Then there is Chick Singer(hi, Kris ;-D). I expected
that she would be too busy to get involved in a band
thing again. At first, she said she was. A couple of
weeks later, tho, she called Chuck and said she needed
to play, too. Very cool. She is a great singer, a real
sweetheart, and beautiful, too. What a devastaing
combination....too bad she's married *sigh*...lol. Her
hubby's a cool guy, tho, so it's all good ;-)
Hopefully we'll all be getting together soon.

Tonight is good because I am going to see Rik Emmett,
He used to sing and play guitar in a band called
Triumph, probably my favorite band of all time. Just a
slight notch above dada...sorry, any dada fans out
there. I saw them 7 times, and I have seen Rik solo 4
times, including last year in Ft. Wayne (ahhh, Ft.Wayne......*sigh*).

He is an incredible guitar player. Rock, blues,
country, jazz, classical....he can play it all. The
Ft. Wayne show was cool, because it was just him and
his guitar, and he kind of did the vh-1 Storytellers
kind of thing. Tonight, he is playing in a band
setting. I can't wait. Gonna be some jammin' tonight!!!

October 30
Here it is, 3 in the morning. What the hell am I doing up?? It's a long story. The short answer is thinking. Thinking about what? The Walk, for one thing. Doubts and fears. 15 miles?!? How in the world did I get myself into this? Thinking about the usual litany of things I always think about. My lack of love life, my lack of love life, my lack of love life, my job, and, oh yeah, my lack of love life.

It's funny...I spend a lot of time online(duh), and my bro and his wife are always joking about all the "girlfriends" I have. True, there are 4 or 5 I chat with on a pretty regular basis. Unfortunately, they are all either A)married, B)live at least 4 hours away, or C)have absolutely no interest in me as anything more than a friend. Or some combination. One lady is all 3 of those things.

The funny thing is, they all say the same things about me, for the most part. I'm funny. I'm smart. I'm sweet. I'm caring(my feelings about working on the floor with the Alzheimer's patients to the contrary). If I am to believe all of those things, I am pretty much the catch of the century, except for not having any money, and yet, here I sit, all alone at 3(actually 3:17 now)in the morning.

So, I am also thinking, "Where do I go to meet women?" The only single women I know of at work are either over 50, or still in high school. (And gosh, I sure do like to look at them, cuz I am a dirty old man but, you know...they'd have to be at least 18 to go out with me ;-D) The sad truth is, I am still too scared to just go up to someone I don't know and start talking, and online is easier.

*sigh* Ahhhh, well.....I guess it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Like I have said before, I am not ready for the big "love" anyway. But, I sure do miss having someone to hold and to hold me(not a very manly sentiment, I know). Sometimes I feel like I was better off when I was so fat that there was no chance any woman would ever want to touch me, because then I had no idea what I was missing. Yes, I know, I have said that before, too. You expect originality at 3:30???

As for the doubts, I have been feeling so unmotivated.... seemingly more so the closer the day gets. In that regard, I am actually better yesterday and today than I have been. I've been listening to one of Rik Emmett's discs, and it has helped a little. Great guitar to be sure, but some very positive messages in the songs, too, and I need as much of that as I can get.

Life goes on, and every day you wake up is a good one. If I keep telling myself that I may even start to believe it. That, and this, too.....I am one tough S.O.B., and I can do anything I put my mind too. Terribly, sadly, desperately alone or not, I am coming to kick your ass, 15 miles!!!

October 31
It's a little late in the game to be doing this, but I
contacted someone from the local newspaper about getting some publicity. The beauty of this thing is, since I am the only one walking and there has been almost no publicity, (except for some fliers I put up, thanks, Sherrie :-D), it would be no problem to move the date back 2 weeks. I asked the columnist to get back with me as soon as possible, so keep your fingers crossed.

November 1
6 a.m. What the hell am I doing up at 6 a.m.? The same thing I have been doing since I woke up a little bit before 5...thinking. Uh oh. Hang on, don't jump to any conclusions. Not the whiny "How come nobody loves me?"
thinking I was doing the other day. Well, not entirely.

I am thinking about a friend of mine that is having surgery this morning, and I am trying to send all of the good thoughts and positive energy that I can to her. Ooommmm.... you're going to be better than ever....oooommmmm.....you're going to be better than ever.....ooooommmmm, well, you get the idea. you're going to be great!! :-)

Thinking about the walk, too. Not so much any doubts or fears, but about the newspaper thing. Kicking the hell out of myself for not making contact earlier. Wondering if I postpone for a couple of weeks to give the guy a chance to respond and write/print his column, if he chooses to do so.
Part of me wants to do that, because I wanted to raise as much money as possible, and part of me thinks that maybe that is a cop out, because deep down I DO still have doubts and fears. So, I dunno. If any of you have an opinion on this matter, please feel free to share.

Lastly, I am thinking I should take a second to thank all of you out there for your support. I am not always very timely at responding to your e-mails (almost never, as a matter of fact), but it means a great deal to me that you take the time to write and share your feelings with me. Happy Thursday :-)