Ok, lets see what I got!
Lets see I found this one one on a piece of paper.
If your dog is barking at one door, and you wife is screaming at the other door, which do you let in?
Your dog, of course, at least it will shut up when you let it in!!!
It was so hot yesterday that Bill Clinton was sweating before Monika Lewinsky testified!
(Hollywood Hogan) You know your incompetent when you mustaches color doesn't match you beards color!
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? Because a woman that can't afford a washer and a dryer probly can't support you!!!
How do you know when a women is about to say something smart? When she starts the sentenc with "A man onc told me"!!!
Why do men pass more gas than women? Because they don't shut up long enough to build up pressure!
Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women how to walk on their hind legs!
Women are just like guns, if you keep one around long enough your gonna want to shoot it!
All wives are alike, but they have different faces to tell them apart!
What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells? PREGNANT!!!!!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her!!
What do you call a woman who's lost 95% of her intelligence? DIVORCED!!!!
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes womens sex drive by 90% WEDDING CAKE
Marriage is a 3 ring circus, Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and sufferring
DID YOU EVER WONDER WHY?????????
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
Now I have some Achronyms for you! How about car brands first?
BMW= Break my windows!
cadillac= can't always dtive in lanes like another car
dodge= drips oil and drops grease everywhere!
flat= fix it again Tony!
ford= fix or repair daily found on road dead for old retired drivers gmc= generally mediocre cars
mercedes= most every red cent eventually disappears, extinguishing savings! men express really cocky egos driving expensive sedans oldsmobiles= old ladies drivind slowly, making others behind infuriatingly late every day
porsche= pretentios, obnoxious, rich slobs can have everything
saab= such an arrogant bastard
Now how about love (and its alternatives)
Nerds= nearly everyones recently divorced
dosidoes= dating outside the species inspires drop on evolutionary scales
remotes= relying on electronicsmore than emotion (I am finding a picture of a man kissing a giant remote controll)
switchies= stupid women intending to change him! (their boyfriend)
doggies= determined, outgoing guys intent on eventual success.
Scum= socially confused, useless men
slugs= social losers using guilt to score!
snots= single, nasty, and out for themselves!
How about youths
Slackers= students lacking all common knowledge
sloppies= students living off parents income
swampies= students wasting mom and dads income
skippies= school kids with income and purchasing power
jerks= job-evading, reckless teenagers
cabies= caffeine-addicted busy students
Now elders
dopies= disgrunted old people
elders= expecting lots despite evading responsibility
bats= barely able to see
peepers= poor elders expecting prosperity and early retirement
premies= premature retirees expecting more income
zippers= zero-income post-professionalsenduring remaining savings
fossils= faithful old secretaries still intensively laboring
frumpies= frugal, responsible unpretentious mature persons
coffers= confident, old, financially fit elders reveling in savings
woofies= well off over fifty
Now lifestyles
faldos= fast lane dropouts
yuffies= young urban failures
homers= home-oriented moderates with ethically renewed standards
scumies= socially concious, unless money's involved
cooties= children out of the early sixties
dwamies= dead white american males
low cals= losers of weight craving another loaded serving
huffies= heavy users of fast foods
tikes= thought I knew everything
lifers= losing intelligence fast, embracing the remote
spams= stupid people avoiding mental stimulation
spores= stupid people on rented equipment
uppies= unbelievably peppy people inevitably expressing stupidity
doofus= doing only obligatory functions and using up space
bums= barely using mental skills
twits= those who insist they're special
lawers= least appealing way you employ revenge
pita= pain in the *** (another word for butt)
voters= vengeful, over-taxed electorate rejecting spenders
WORK
wumpies= worthless upwardly mobile professionals
vuppies= vulgar urban professionals
grumpies= grim, ruthless, upwardly mobile professionals
lumpies= losing upward mobility professionals
dumpies= downwardly mobile professionals
yippies= young, indicted professionals
dopes= dual occupations, perpetually evading success
nibblers= newly inspired baby boomers leaving employees to rely on selves
callers= cellular abusers loudly letting everyone realize their status
lames= losers at managing everything
roadies= retired on active duty
bowties= big, overweight, totally ineffective executives
Money
fibbers= financially incompetent baby boomers evading realistic savings
buddies= baby boomers under deep debt
ouchies= on employment, couch habitant
lombards= lots of money, but a real dirtball
dumbies= dual mortgages, and broke
spellers= stupid people expecting luxurious lifestyles, except reality sucks
nitwits= new income that would have increased total savings
finally, family
dinks= double income, no kids
ditkas= double income, two kids around somewhere
nikes= no income, kids everywhere
yummies= young, upwrdly mobile mommies
dunkies= double unemployed, numerous kids
pinkies= parents in nursing home, kids in school
muddies= middle-aged, unhappy divorced dads
poops= pet owners outnumbered by pets
I would like to thank the people that made these jokes. Even though I don't know who they are but thank you!
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