Marcia Slatkin wrote Sun 21 Dec 2008 @10:42:51 EST:

The legit dailies are in competition with supermarket tabloids
for incredible stories. Has it ever been this bizzare?

Wish we lived close,and could meet "after church" for politi-
cal talk.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun, 21 Dec 2008 @09:48:37 PST:

It is strangely appropriate that Adolf Hitler Campbell's
father's wish was eventually granted by a Wal-Mart.

The Environmental Protection Agency reported that 18 counties
in Indiana exceed federal soot standards. . . .

The Indiana University basketball team was beaten not by North-
western (yet), but by Northeastern University, at home, 55-42.

                                                      [courtesy Associated Press]

It used to be,  "That'll be 30 days  or  30 dollars!"  and  "Thank you,
Judge, I'll take the $30!"  But county jailers in southern Kentucky re-
ported that in these hard economic times, more and more defendants
are taking the time. . . .

An 11-year-old Breckinridge County girl bringing cookies to her mail
carrier was hit by a Chevy Silverado pickup truck and killed.

                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

"You never want a serious crisis to go to waste – and what I mean by
  that is an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before."

                                                                              – Rahm Emanuel

Why is "cerebral" pronounced "SARAH-brul" in the phrase "cerebral
palsy" but in all other instances, "sur-REE-brul"?

Rickey Henderson, 50
Karl Rove, 58
Sissy Spacek, 59
Merry Clayton, 60
Barbara Mandrell, 60
Jimmy Buffett, 62
Larry Csonka, 62
Ken Stabler, 63
Tony Martin, 95
Jesus, 2,012

A lonely man jumped into the polar bear cage for a hug  at a
zoo in Berlin, but was rescued without a scratch. . . . "Snow-
zilla," the annual giant snowman in a family's front yard in An-
chorage, Alaska,  was prohibited this year, by city officials in
reponse to complaints about gawker traffic – but he rose like
the Phoenix, to a height of 25 feet,  before dawn the day be-
fore Christmas Eve. . . .A man dressed as Santa Claus came
to a Christmas party in Covina, Calfornia, bearing gifts;  shot
the 8-year-old girl who answered the door  in  the face;  shot
eight other persons to death, including himself,  and set fire to
the house. . . . California sent observers to eastern Tennessee
where a burst power dam spilled hundreds of tons of coal ash
sludge into rivers and over highways, railroads, a dozen homes
and hundreds of acres of land.  .  .  . A Missouri legislator pro-
posed a bill to decriminalize trafficking in yellow margarine, ille-
gal in the state since 1895. .  .  . After lecturing a security semi-
nar in Mexico on how to avoid being kidnapped,  Felix Batista,
an American who negotiated the release of many hostages, was
kidnapped. . . . The Vatican said homosexuality,  punishable by
law in 85 countries,  should not be a crime. . . .Galileo's reputa-
tion was being rehabilitated in the Vatican. .  .  .  Medical scien-
tists said women with overactive bladders  and restless legs  are
prone to persistent imminent orgasms.  .  .  .  Other scientists re-
ported a lowering boundary between the atmosphere and space
(which would mean that the sky is falling). . . .Madonna was re-
ported to have dumped Alex Rodriguez  for Brazilian model Je-
sus Luz.

                                               [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 14 Dec 2008  @10:14:04 PST  re
last week's report by correspondent Harry Girard Jr. on kerosene
price fixing in Bowling Green, Kentucky:

It's exciting to see Tabloid Headlines venture into the field of
investigative journalism.

Darcy Stewart wrote Mon 15 Dec 2008 @13:30:48 EST:

What's that big band-aid on Madonna's leg?  Splinters in the
manger?

The Kentucky Bar Association's ethics committed settled a complaint a-
gainst the association's president, who had removed several members of
the committee while it was investigating her.

                                  [courtesy Associated Press – see photos below
                                                  for more dumb news from Kentucky]

"Zimbabwe is mine."
                                  – Robert Mugabe

"Many are struggling to cope."
                                                 – Korva Coleman, National Public Radio

Florence Griffith-Joyner, 49
Chris Evert, 54
Frank Zappa, 68
Jane Fonda, 71

Her spokeswoman said Madonna will pay Guy Ritchie $72
to $96 million in a divorce settlement.  .  .  .  National Public
Radio laid off 64 hosts. . . . Sarah Palin's daughter's mother-
in-law-to-be was arrested on six felony drug charges in Wa-
silla, Alaksa. . . .  A man stole a refrigerator containing urine
samples including his own from a probation office in Gaines-
ville,  Florida.  .  .  .  The Greenwich ShopRite, in Hunterton
County, New Jersey, refused to inscribe a birthday cake for
3-year-old  Adolf Hitler Campbell,  of Easton, Pennsylvania.
.  .  . The Illinois Supreme Court rejected, without comment,
the state attorney general's petition  to declare Governor Mi-
lorad Blagojevich disabled. .  .  . A British pilot crash-landed
his World War II era Tiger Moth onto a cow (which was re-
ported uninjured, as was the pilot;  but the plane was damag-
ed). .  .  . An actress playing one of the Three Wise Men in a
Christmas pageant in a church in Cincinnati,  suspended  on a
rope while seeking the Eastern Star,  fell head first  25 feet  to
her death.  .  .  .  A Cincinnati woman's three-legged cat came
back after a seven-week absence. . . . Sixty-nine rabbits were
taken from a woman's one-bedroom apartment inWheaton, Il-
linois, in an eviction. . . . Fifteen hundred parakeets were taken
from a man's two-room apartment in Berlin. .  .  . Detroit's two
daily  newspapers  announced plans to stop home deliveries on
all days but Thursdays, Fridays and Sundays. ... Michelle Dug-
gar gave birth to her and her husband  Jim Bob's  18th  child  in
Rogers, Arkansas. . . . A Swedish prosecutor was investigating,
on suspicion of bribery,  Nobel  Prize  jurors  who accepted ex-
pense-paid trips to China.  .  .  .  A player killed a pigeon with a
soccer ball kicked in an Argentine league title game.

                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, the Buzz]

Purdue University put up for auction the naming rights to newly discov-
ered species of bats (7) and turtles (2).
                                                               [courtesy Associated Press]

Several filling stations in Bowling Green refused to disclose their prices for
kerosene over the telephone. "That would be against antitrust law," one of
them explained.  Duh!

We figured it out at the editorial office of Tabloid Headlines (which is a law
office also).  In  a  field  test  of the stations our corrrespondent called,  we
found the price to be a consistent $3.99  a  gallon  (plus point 9 cents – the
price of gasoline was the same, too).  What these stations were  doing  was
fixing  prices.  That's  the antitrust law violation.  The  "We can't tell you"
explanation was simply a misinterpretation of the Bosses'  "Don't ask,  don't
tell"  instructions  (we think).

               [thanks to Tabloid Headlines correspondent Harry Girard Jr.]

The FFA (formerly Future Farmers of America)  announced at its head-
quarters in Indianapolis  that  in 2013 its convention will return to Louis-
ville, which is the headquarters of KFC (formerly Kentucky Fried Chick-
en).
        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal  –  Tabloid  Headlines  has
         learned that this projected move is under investigation by the KGB
         (formerly Komitjet Gosudarstvjennoj Bjezopasnosti), the ISP (for-
         merly Indiana State Police), and the FIB (formerly Federal Bureau
         of Investigation.]

"Welcome to my hanging."
                                          – George W. Bush, at the unveiling of his official portrait

The menu of a new restaurant in Cincinnati was inscribed "In
Memory of Ron Goldman." . . .Harvard University's endow-
ment has lost $8 billion.  . . . Zimbabwe, with unemployment
at 90 per cent and inflation at 23 million per cent,  was  issu-
ing $200 million banknotes. . . . A German academic journal
apologized for printing sexually suggestive Chinese characters
on the cover of an issue about China. . .  . Three female Ken-
tucky Fried Chicken employees (oops!  KFC employees)  in
Anderson, California, were suspended for bathing in the dish-
washing sinks, and posting photographs of their caper on line.
. . . Veterinarians in Boston reattached the face of a cat injur-
ed by an automobile fan belt. . . . Police in Dearborn,  Michi-
gan,  freed a woman whose  husband  had  handcuffed her to
the bed and lost the key. ... The remains of a small child were
found near the Florida home of Caylee Anthony. .  .  . A Rus-
sian businessman trademarked ;-)?.

                                           [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Madonna and Child

The Bob Hill formerly known as a columnist  wrote  Mon
1 Dec 2008 @18:01:04 EST  re  Prince's  remark  "God
came to Earth and saw people sticking it wherever . . . ":

Maybe he was talking about chewing gum.

Planned Parenthood of Indiana was offering  gift  certificates  that
can be applied to checkups, contraceptives and abortions ("They
deserve coal in their stockings,"  said Sister Diane Carollo, of the
Indianapolis Roman Catholic Archdiocese).

                                                       [courtesy Harper's Weekly]

A Whitley County truck driver filed suit in federal court in  London,  Ky.,
demanding proof of Barack Obama's birth as a "natural born citizen." (A
Pennsylvania judge dismissed a similar challenge,  before the election,  as
frivolous. Obama's Hawaii birth certificate has been posted on the web).

                                                                 [courtesy Associated Press]

Three first-graders at the Wheatley grade school in Louisville  stuck  eight
other pupils with lancets.
                                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"Absolutely . . . absolutely . . . absolutely . . . absolutely."

                          

Two abstinence teachers in Chicago shared their first kiss (they
said) at the altar, upon completion of their marriage vows. .  .  .
Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh. . . .WBQC-TV in Cin-
cinnati changed its call letters to WKRP. . . . A motorist said he
rear-ended a woman's car at 100 miles an hour near San Anto-
nio,  Texas,  because God told him she wasn't driving right  and
had to be taken off the road  (both were injured but not severe-
ly). . . .A man and woman were charged with drunkenly driving
the same car at nearly the same time,  on Long Island. . . .  Ann
Coulter's mouth was wired shut. .  .  .  A deer attacked a hunter
who had shot it in Missouri. . . .The Deccan Mujahideen, a little-
known group that some say does not exist,  claimed responsibil-
ity for the terrorism in Mumbai. . . .Scientists concluded that ants
that perform specific tasks are no more efficient than regular ants
("The ones that are specialized on a particular job are not particu-
larly good at that job," one on the research team explained). .  .  .
A 56-year-old Englishman got 25 life sentences for repeatedly ra-
ping his two daughters over 27 years,  resulting in 19 pregnancies
and seven children, all of whom have genetic deformities. .  .  .  A
survey by a wealth-research firm found that  82  per cent  of male
millionaires were cutting back on expenditures for their mistresses.
.  .  .   A three-bedroom house in northern Virginia was rented for
$57,000 for inauguration week. . . .  Eight students at Smith Mid-
dle School in Birmingham, Alabama,  got  sick  on  home  cookin'
brought to class by students on assignment to write about and pre-
pare their favorite dishes.
                                                 [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

The person killed in the "Black Friday" stampede at a Wal-Mart on
Long Island was not a shopper but a worker hired just for the seas-
on:  Jdimytai Damour, 34, who stood 6 feet 5 inches tall and weigh-
ed 270 pounds.
                                                    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]