• First born March 19 in Pittsburgh
• Popularity soars in delivery rooms

   Chilean President Sebastián Piñera and his
       wife, Cecilia Morell, with the Obamas

Henry Velenosi wrote Sun 3/20/11 @08:39 PDT:

Congrats.  A couple of laugh out loud moments in last week's issue.

Bruce Mitchell followed the link to the Louisville teacher who taught anat-
omy and physiology to a 17-year-old male student in a parked car to find
that their school is Manual High,  and that she taught biology also;  and he
wrote to us Sun 3/20/11 @06:10 PDT:

For a moment I thought "Manual biology" was a new term for hand job.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 3/20/11 @11:04 PDT, on the same subject:

It's beginning to seem like a lot of female high school teachers are latent
"cougars."   Reminds one of the latent homosexuals who enter the Cath-
olic priesthood.

What's latent about it? – Ed.

A historic steel truss bridge, built prior to 1920 over the Little White
River in Randolph County, in eastern Indiana, is being moved to be-
come a bicycle and pedestrian creek crossing in Carmel, an upscale
Indianapolis suburb.
                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A former University of Notre Dame  assistant  registrar  was charged
with planting a secret camera in a women's restroom on campus.

                                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

Signs saying "How Do You Spell Nigger? OBAMA" were hung on
the University of Kentucky Law School building and a bus shelter.

                                               [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Senator Rand Paul said he might run for President if his father doesn't.

                                                                                      [courtesy AP]

Track  dogs  found  a 49-year-old Radcliff woman missing for three
days hiding under her bed.
                                                         [courtesy WAVE-TV and radio]

University President Gary Ransdell signed a proclamation designating
Western Kentucky University a "fair trade university"  (whatever that
means; it was not fully explained).
                                                          [courtesy Park City Daily News]

Mariah Carey, 50
Gene Shalit, 85

"Oh, Jane Russell and Liz Taylor – I'm next."
                                                                          – Zsa Zsa Gabor

"He went berserk.  He couldn't stop laughing.  And he starts playing
 with me.  He's … jabbing me with jabs. . . .  He grabbed me after-
 ward and said, ‘You're my little brother'; and it's been that way for
 all these years now."
                                       – Billy  Crystal  (talking about the first time he
                                          met Charlie Sheen, right? Nah – he was talk-
                                          ing about meeting Muhammad Ali,  in 1974)

"It's coming up on 10 till 5:00, Central time;
 6:50, Eastern time."
                                   – Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM radio, Bowling Green, Ky.

"The teachings of Confucianism and Chinese culture in general
  is being increasingly celebrated across America."
                                                                                 – Lee Stott, WKYU-FM radio

"It's a very tribal area."
                                        – Phil Sands, correspondent for the U.A.E. English lang-
                                           uage newspaper the National, speaking of Dara, Syria

The Browning M1911 semiautomatic pistol was declared the state gun of Utah. . . . Ymke Wieringa was bitten and wrapped by a boa constrictor she dared pull out of a box on the Dutch reality TV show Real Girls in the Jungle. . . . A boa constrictor died after biting the enhanced breast of Israeli model Orit Fox, reportedly of silicone poisoning. ... New York's Bronx Zoo closed its Reptile House after an Egyptian cobra escaped. . . . Physicists suggested that the Large Hadron Collider could send matter back in time. . . . Tom Cruise' 4-year-old daughter, Suri, was photographed, with mama Katie Holmes, eating a box of Penis Gummies. . . . A mother sued a $19,000-a-year preschool in Manhat- tan for letting her 4-year-old daughter play too much (and, therefore, jeopardizing her chances for admission to an Ivy League college).  . . . The  SAT posed an essay question a- bout reality TV. . . .  A man hopping a freight train in Colo- rado  dialed 911 when the train didn't stop where he want- ed off  (and it was cold on top of the boxcar). . . . Aflac o- pened auditions for a new spokesduck to the general public. .  .  .  A Chinese coal mogul paid a million dollars for  a  red Tibetan mastiff. . . . A romance between a 21-year-old male basketball coach and a 13-year-old girl player  in  Phoenix, Arizona,  was exposed on Facebook. . . . Hip-hopper Chris Brown smashed a dressing room window after  being  asked on  Good Morning America  about  beating up his girl friend but pointed out that he didn't  "physically hurt anyone"  and "I kind of kept my composure throughout the interview.". . . Sammy Hagar told MTV he had been  abducted  by  aliens. . . . A man who served four years for robbing the same bank twice in Golden Valley, Arizona, was sentenced to10 more years for robbing it a third time.  .  .  .  A man arrived late to court on a DUI case in Monticello, New York, carrying five cans of beer,  one of them open.  .  .  .  Employee Cameron James Spurback, 21,  was arrested for fondling a 9-year-old boy in a restroom at the zoo in Tampa, Florida.

Suri Holmes  HELP WANTED         Spurback

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure Store, AP]

    As Japanese nuclear power plants explode in Tsuna-
mis, as landfills fill up, as the skies blacken, as the rivers
swell with sewage, oil and dead fish,  as one state seeks
to shift to another its nuclear waste – what  has  become
of the suggestion we made three decades ago to stuff all
our noxious waste into rocket ships  and shoot them into
the sun?

    What's the problem?

    That's where the stuff came from, ultimately.

    What's the problem?

    We have the technology.

    What's the problem?

    The National Aeronautics and Space Administration
is looking for things to do.

    What's the problem?

    And  it would give the Tea Party another governmen-
tal  expenditure  to complain about  without  coming  up
with any realistic alternatives or constructive suggestions.

    What's the problem?

    China will lend us the money if we don't want to pay
for it ourselves.

    What's the problem?

    Shoot it up.

Carole wrote Sun 3/13/11 @11:25 CDT:

Snooki thinks her Jersey Shore reality show makes her

look bad?  And all this time I thought she was not very
bright. . . .

The director of the East Chicago library was removed from the buil-
ding by police after the board voted to fire him. . . .

Mayor Tom Henry of Fort Wayne  went on the Jimmy Kimmel Live
late night TV show to explain not naming the new city hall for former
mayor  Harry  Baals  (who got 23,817 votes in a poll on the subject,
compared to only 5 for "Citizens Square,"  which  was  declared  the
winner).
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Two men in Vanceburg were indicted for selling a junk dealer  a  pickup
truck  they had taken for a test drive. . . .

Colton  Burpo,  11,  who says he visited heaven when he was 3,  drew a
crowd at the Bridge church in Lexington.
                                                                                        [courtesy AP]

A 38-year-old high school teacher of anatomy and physiology,  Carrie Sha- fer,  was found partially undressed  in a car at a canoe ramp with a 17-year- old male student, also partially undres- sed.  She was charged with giving him beer  and  contraceptives,   and   with parking  in  a handicapped zone.  She was also (before she resigned)  spon- sor of the high school's  Fellowship of Christian  Athletes   and  Disco  Club. And – she's the subject of  a student- produced video now on line.

                                                  [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"My toilets don't work in my house."
                                                          – Kentucky Senator Rand Paul,  at
                                                             a hearing on appliance standards

"I can help you find a toilet that works."
                                                              – Kathleen Hogan, assistant energy secretary

"I just split up with my girl friend but, like the Japanese say, there'll be another
 one floating by any minute now."

                                                    – Gilbert Gottfried, with one of the "tweets"
                                                       that got him fired as the Aflac quacker

Irene Cara, 52
Holly Hunter, 53
Spike Lee, 54
Ranger Doug, 65

I-Phones fell backward instead of springing forward  on the switch to "daylight saving" time (users missed church).  .  .  . A man used a cell phone "app" flashing blue lights  to pull o- ver a car in Boise,  Idaho. . . . A girl turning 16 canceled her birthday  party  in  Sydney, Australia,  after  200,000  Face- book friends accepted her invitation.  .  .  .  Gallup identified the happiest American as Alvin Wong,  a 69-year-old ethnic Chinese observant Jew in Honolulu, Hawaii. . . . Stanford U- niversity discontinued a list of easy classes,   including  Social Dances of North America III, routinely distributed to student athletes. . . . A man phoned 911 in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, to report overdosing on Viagra. . . .  Barber shop technicians in Vietnam were coaxing "eargasms" from customers  as they touched sensitive "E" spots while removing ear wax. . . . Tor- onto began its "human library project"  by lending out 200 in- teresting persons for a half-hour at a time. .  .  . A man with a "triple Mohawk" hit another man with a skateboard for taking his picture in Austin, Texas.

Alvin Jonathan Washburn

 [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure Reading Room, Funny Times, AP]

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 3/6/11 @11:11 EST:

Good morning!  It's Sunday and there's no Tabloid News!
On the off chance you missed it,  the  big  tabloid  news  is
Charlie Sheen's Adonis DNA  and  tiger blood,  Khadafi's
(sp.?) certifiable insanity which  could  be  hysterical  if  he
weren't massacring his countrymen,  and,  a  regional favo-
rite, Snookie thinks her "Jersey Shore" reality show makes
her look bad.

Len wrote Sun 3/6/11 @20:54 EST:

Tabloid Headlines CENSORED last Sunday?  Yeah – I
didn't get mine,  either.  I was forced to lower my stand-
ards and read the Detroit Free Press/News.   It's a con-
spiracy.

A Clay County teacher was suspended for leaking a political ques-
tion on a standardized state test. . . .

Five sexy billboards around Indianapolis promote a URL that takes
you to the "Blended Church" web site.
 
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

A floating restaurant with 83 persons aboard broke loose from its piers
at Covington and headed down the flooded Ohio River. . . .

A bat named Bruce has haunted a Beatles tribute and a Randy Newman
concert  at the Lexington Opera House  (but has yet to make an appear-
ance in Die Fledermaus).
                                                                                       [courtesy AP]

"America isn't ready for civilization."
                                                            – Madry Chlopak

"Dancing is good for the body soul."                                                            – Kirstie Alley, rehearsing for                                                               Dancing with the Stars "The pianist Mitsuko Uchida is popular for never failing  to disappoint."                                              – Scott Blankenship,                                                 Music Through the Night,                                                 Minnesota Public Radio

"To back down would be a craven surrender to political correctness."

                                                                – New York Congressman Peter King, holding hear-
                                                                   ings on the "radicalization of American Muslims"

Liza Minelli, 65
Sam Donaldson, 77

RicardoWest, a professional Michael Jackson impersonator,
was arrested for child molesting in Allen Park, Michigan. . . .
Sarah Palin called Kathy Griffin a  "50-year-old adult bully."
. . . Both burglar and homeowner called 911 in Portland, Or-

egon  (the burglar was taking a shower and heard the homeowner  and his two German  shepherds  outside  the  stall). .   .   .  A  University of Minnesota  fan socked Goldy Gopher  the  mascot  in the  puss  after  tiring  of  its antics at a gymnastics meet. . . .Wisconsin legisla- tors were considering a bill to prohibit

prank telephone calls.  .  .  . Ohio legislators planned to sub-
poena two fetuses. . . .  A 52-year-old woman in Allentown,
Pennsylvania, called 911 for an ambulance ride to the hospit-
al with a stubbed toe. . . . A 14-year-old girl was suspended
from school in Fairfax County,  Virginia,  under a "zero toler-
ance" drug policy, for having an acne prescription drug in her
locker. . . . A woman went to court in Amherst,Virginia, with
a tiny monkey riding in her bra. . . . Li-Lo rejected a plea off-
er under which she would have served only three months  for
stealing a necklace.  .  .  .  A wooden sculpture of a crucified
frog in northern Italy was  labeled  blasphemous  by the Pope
(but His Holiness has not yet taken cognizance of Borf Books'
Santachrist).

[courtesy  Harper's Weekly,  Daily Snopes,  The Obscure
 Reading Room,  the Associated Press,  Funny Times]

Last Sunday's issue was transmitted by our roving
reporter, Stephen Yates,  as the technical staff lay
in a hospital,  readmitted  for recovery from pros-
tate surgery.  The publisher, the editor, and the IT
executives are very grateful  to  Mr. Yates  for his
emergency service;  but  some  aren't.      A union
grievance has been filed against him by the Amal-
gamated Tabloid Technicians  (ATT),  for  doing
someone else's work.  If you wish to support Mr.
Yates,  welcome a Wisconsin state senator or an
Indiana state representative into your home.

We noticed only  one  glitch  in last week's trans-
mission, and it was not the roving reporter's fault:
The blank had  not  been  filled  in  for upcoming
speaker  at the Weekly World News Round Ta-
ble.   Never mind.   It was going to be Jane Rus-
sell,  and she died.

The state's top elections officer, Secretary of State Charlie White,
was  indicted  for  lying about his address and voting in the wrong
precinct. . . .

Fifty seniors walked out of school in East Chicago to protest a de-
lay in their graduation due to "snow days."

                                                        [courtesy Associated Press]

A woman and a 12-year-old girl dragged a driver off a school bus
by her ankles in Louisville and beat her up.

                                                       [Louisville Courier-Journal]

  

"You take your fishing pole and go fishing."

                  – hillbilly philosopher Marshall Hornback, suggesting an alternative
                     to striking out at the nearest person in a moment of frustration

"We are able and capable enough to solve our issues by our own people. . . .
 The Libyan people are so united and please wait for surprises. "

                                    – Saif al-Islam Gaddafi (Gadhafi? Khadafy? Qaddafi? "How
                                       do you spell it?" still "needs an answer" on Answers.com)

Justin Bieber, 17
Lou Reed, 69

Muammar Gadhafi, formerly Moammar Khadafy, changed
his name to Momar Qaddafi. . . .Yusuf al Qaradawi, an E-
gyptian Islamic scholar famous for fatwas, ordered Libyan
army officers to "shoot a bullet at Mr. Qaddafi." . . .  Fans
cried fowl when a player  kicked  an  owl  –  the opposing
team's mascot – at a soccer game in Colombia. . . . A wo-
man  in Brooksville,  Florida,  "unfriended"  her live-in boy
friend  on Facebook,  starting  a  fight  that landed both of
them in jail.  . . . A man in Ocean City, Maryland,  was ar-
rested after posting a photo of himself on Facebook  hold-
ing two pipe bombs. . . . A diabetic in Roseburg, Oregon,
who had no feeling in his feet,  awoke  to find that his dog
had eaten three of his toes. . . .Police seized four monkeys
dressed as pirates  from a Texas woman who had brought
them to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. .  .  .  A "motorized
phallus" known as a "fucksaw" was demonstrated on a live
woman in an after-class session held by a sex professor  at
Northwestern University. . . . A Ukrainian Byzantine priest
arrested for DUI in Akron, Ohio,  offered his body for sex
with the police, exposed himself in his holding cell and com-
plimented the booking officer's eyebrows.  . . .  A 13-year-
old bicycler in DeKalb County, Georgia, nearly struck by a
pickup truck driven by a man  texting  on a cell phone,  was
attacked  by the man and his daughter  when  he  asked  the
man to drive more carefully.  .  .  . The Jan. 30 issue of Tab-
loid Headlines was  censored  in the Tom Green County Jail
in San Angelo,  Texas  (the photo of Sexy Cora was cut out
of an inmate's printed copy received in the mail).

[courtesy Harper's Weekly,  Daily Snopes,  The Obscure
Reading Room, the Associated Press, and Dusty Hopkins]

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett