Abigail Guthrie was pulled over by the cops in Bloomington
on her 17th birthday and  given  a  ticket – to a Justin Bieber
concert  (her parents sorta arranged it).

                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Dianna Donovan, WF, a/k/a Dianna Krull, 5'", 160 lbs, failure to return to lawful detention; Berrien County Michican's: Gloria Jean Wills, BF, failure to comply with reporting duties; Lateasha Nile Bridgeman, BF, identity theft; Kaneisha Shaneiqua Wofford, BF, unauthorized use of motor vehicles (she has a bit of a new look from her last appearance in these pages, April 13, 2014) (courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers)

The chairman of the Knox County School Board, not a legiti-
mate high school graduate, resigned after a teacher admitted
he had taken the GED test for him.
                                                                [courtesy Fox News]

The College Station bar and night club in Richmond, near Ea-
stern Kentucky University,  was cited for (1) serving alcohol-
ic beverage to 109 minors,  (2) employing a 16-year-old bar-
tender,  and (3) not having a license. . . .

A pickup truck collided with six other vehicles (all seven go-
ing the same direction)  on a state highway in Madison Coun-
ty.
                                       [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Jefferson County (Louisville) Family Court became a "no hit"
zone (whatever that means).
                                                      [courtesy Courier-Journal]

     

   

"Forcing single gender organizations to accept members of the opposite sex could potentially
 increase, not decrease, the potential for sexual misconduct."

                    – Charles Storey, officer of Harvard's all male Porcellian Club (whose members inclu-
                       ded Theodore Roosevelt and Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.), in response to criticism by
                       the university of organizations that will not admit members of the opposite sex

"I got caught up in the likes."
                                                 – Marina Lonina, 18, of New Albany, Ohio, High School, explaining
                                                    why she couldn't quit and call the police as she videoed the rape of
                                                    a 17-year-old friend and live-streamed the whole thing using "Twit-
                                                    ter's" "Perpiscope" (Periscope, Perviscope?) "Smart phone" "app"

"This is somewhat of a difficult argument to make, though . . . ."

                                      – Tamara Keith, National Public Radio News, on the campaign trail . . .

                                         Try "a somewhat difficult argument," honey – or, "something of a difficult
                                         argument."  Adjectives do not precede prepositional phrases.  – Editor

Quotations of the Wheat: "Going bald just gives me more face." – Leonard Simon

                Antonin Scalia, 79
                Prince Rogers Nelson, later known as Prince, then formerly known as, then again as, 57
                Ronald Dean "RD" Robertson, 77
                Ruth A. Ruth, 81
                                                                                [Louisville Courier-Journal]

A 21-year-old mother came home from work in Wichita, Kansas,
to find her 2-year-old unable to breathe, an octopus wedged in his
throat  (her 36-year-old boy friend,  who was giving the boy CPR,
was arrested on suspicion of child abuse). . . .  Bernie Sanders a-
voided being snubbed by the Pope at the Vatican.  .  .  . The  Pope
brought 12 Syrian Muslim refugees home with him  from  Lesbos.
. . . The Czech Republic (once part of Czechoslovakia) proposed
changing its name to Czechia. . . . The courts of Wales prohibited
a woman's naming her daughter Cyanide,  which she chose for its
contribution to the death of Hitler ( but the little girl's twin broth-
er got away with the name Preacher"). .  .  . Residents of Anchor-
age, Alaska, complained about a drone peering through their win-
dows. . . . Residents  of  an Irish coastal town were using a photo
of Donald Trump to scare off Sammy the road-crossing seal.

                                                              [courtesy Harper's, JAEL]

Let's help the Czechs pick a new name (a Tabloid Headlines poll
– please vote, early and often).  Here are some suggestions:

        Czechia (their tentative choice – but, it sounds a little wimpy, don't ya think?),
        Czechnia (stronger, but it sounds a bit like Chechnya, an identity they're wisely trying to avoid),
        Czechmate (clever, but it would suffer in the translation),
        Czechpoint,
        Czecholada (this is Polish for chocolate – might not work so well in the neighborhood),
        Cz-cz-cz-BOOGIE!

 

Softball hotties (courtesy Edmonson (County, Kentucky) News)

My  husband,  before  we  met,  had a son by a woman married to
another man.  They agreed to let her husband raise the boy as if it
were his.

We have a daughter together two years younger than the boy.  Both
will be going to the same middle school next year.  Our daughter is
very sociable and likes meeting new people.   I'm afraid she'll meet
her brother and be attracted to him.

Do I say something now,  or wait and hope my worst fear does not
become reality?
                                                                                Keeping a Secret

Indiana's two U.S. Senators, Dan Coats (R) and Joe Donnel-
ly (D), asked the federal government publishing office to re-
fer to the state's residents  as  "Hoosiers,"  not  "Indianans"
(and,  gee!  We did not get a squiggly red line under either
of those terms). . . .

Tessa Embry,  14,  5' 7", 175 lbs.,  a catcher for her school
soft-ball team in Evansville,  was classified as "obese" by
the "body mass index"; and she wasn't taking it lightly. . . .

A Muslim student at Indiana University - Purdue University
Indianapolis (IUPUI, pronounced "Oo-ie Poo-ie") was bran-
ded a terrorist for her involvement with Students for Justice
in Palestine.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Richard Becerra Jr., WM, 6'0", 160 lbs, attempt to acquire a legend drug; Christine Emery, WF, 5'1", 160 lbs, defrauding a financial institutiion; Shaquile Ellis, BM, a/k/a "Savage," 6'3", 190 lbs, violation of a court order (courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Three children were found locked in their rooms by police en-
ering a mobile home in Richmond on a "welfare check,"  and
their intoxicated 27-year-old mother was arrested. . . .

A state court jury in Lexington awarded  $5.3  million  to  eight
black employes for UPS for a hostile work environment, which
included hanging a  driver  in  effigy  in a company building for
four days to demonstrate the recommended "three points of con-
tact" in using a ladder.
                                          [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

A Presbyterian church in Louisville planned Friday night beer
sales in a year-long festival celebrating is 100th anniversary.

                                                        [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"I'm voting for Donald Trump, . . . but I'm not joining the campaign in any way . . . ."
                                                                                                                                            – Rudolph Giulani

Quotations of the Wheat: "Since I got those false teeth, I been grinnin' like a jackass eatin' sawbriers." – Leonard Simon

A  wild  pig  raided a campground in Australia and drank
three six packs of the campers' beer before being chased
into a river by a cow.  . . . China blocked internet search-
es for "Panama." . . . Governor Bill Haslam veoted a bill
that would have made the Bible "the official book of Ten-
nessee." . . . Lindsay Lohan, soon to be 30, was said to be
engaged to a 22-year-old Russian heir.

                                                 [courtesy Harper's, Frisky]



          

Celebrity lookalikes: Jenny Keller, 44, last week's most wanted in Lexington, Ky.; Geddy Lee, bassist and vocalist for the Canadiana rock band Rush Wanted in Waco: Ambra Landrum, BF, 23, 4'11", 120 lbs, theft (Waco Crime Stoppers)

I've been going to the same dentist for years,  and I'm always satis-
fied with his work.  But he has recently begun  to  talk  politics  as
he works on my teeth.  He's entitled to his opinions, but I shouldn't
have to listen to them with his hand in my mouth. He doesn't know
it, but I'm politically active with an opposite party.

His conversation grates on my nerves  and raises my blood pressure,
but I don't know how to tell him I find his comments unprofessional.
If I change dentists,  I might find someone who wants to convert me
to "born again" Christianity, especially in this area of the country.

Should I discuss it with him  and  hope  he doesn't start withholding
anesthetic?
                                                                      Open Wide in Virginia

Jeanetta wrote Mon 4/4/16 @ 09:24 CDT:

I have some suggestions regarding the  loitery  bench
at the Cee Bee Food Store in Brownsville, Kentucky:

• Repair the bench –
• Move the bench –
• Get rid of the bench –
• Get a new bench.
  

A state trooper was fired after a second incident of proselytizing a mo-
torist he had pulled over.
                                                                                    [courtesy WCPO]

One of 36 infants cared for by one worker died at Miracles and Bless-
ings Daycare in Indianapolis.
                                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]
             

South Bend's most wanted: Michael Baker, WM, 5'11", 185 lbs, theft; Rebekah Traver, WF, 5'8", 140 lbs, forgery; Timothy McDonald, WM, 6'0", 180 lbs, theft; Satia Snowden, BF, 5'6", 135 lbs, cocaine (Michiana Crime Stoppers); Raquel Nichols, WF, 5'2", 145 lbs, meth; Rowena Anderson, BF, 5'9", 155 lbs, habitual offender; Berrien County Michigan's: Carl Ray Morris Jr., WM, larceny in a building; Brandy Rashonda Haulcomb, W(!)F, larceny in a building; Michael John Ford IV, WM, criminal sexual conduct

The Attorney General was threatening to sue the Governor.

                                                            [courtesy WKYU-FM]

Lexington's most wanted: Jenny Keller, 44, manufacturing meth; unidentified informant; Daniel Yeager, WM, 30, 5'11", 200 lbs, turned in by the woman on his right; Brenda Delgado, 33, on FBI's ten most wanted list, for murder (pulled kicking and screaming from the Hereald-Leader)

"Exactly. . . . . That's exactly what the research is finding."
                                                                                                      –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat: "I'd just as soon have the clap as a dog, and I've had the clap." – Leonard Simon

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Laura Freeman, WF, 45, 5'7", 125 lbs, Coke, firewater; Taylor Evan Ratto, WM, 31, 5'8", 165 lbs, assault, family violence, burglary of a vehicle, violation of a protective order, debit card abuse, fraud; Michelle Ballard, WF, 23, 5'0", 100 lbs, meth manufacture and delivery (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

A woman was charged with child neglect  in  Whitwell,
Tennessee, for making her two daughters walk 3½ miles
to school for missing the bus – and for driving without a
license,  as  she  accompanied them on the highway  (the
family dog walked with the girls). . . .  A hospital anaes-
thesia nurse in Piombino, Italy, was arrested on 13 char-
ges of murder. . . . A  hospital  nurse  in Syracuse,  New
York,  lost her license for photographing an unconscious
patient's penis and sending the photo to co-workers. . . .
A sinkhole in a pond in China was said to have swallow-
ed 25 tons of fish. . . . A bill introduced in New Jersey's
legislature would make texting while walking  a jailable
offense.  . . .  A man drove six miles in Palm City,  Flori-
da,  with  his  wife on the roof of the car,  screaming  and
beating. . . . An amusement park in Devon, England,  pro-
hibited screaming on the roller coaster.  . . .  An 18-year-
old Ohioan who posed as a state senator  pleaded  guilty
to impersonating a peace officer.  . . .  A  Saudi  Arabian
was arrested for flying a  rainbow  flag  above his home.
.  .  . An Indonesian pop star stepped on a cobra she was
sharing a stage with;  it bit her,  and she died 45 minutes
later.  .  .  .  A Colorado man admitted buying a motel so
that he could spy on couples having sex, through holes in
rooms' ceilings that looked like air vents, which his wife
helped him cut. . . . Steve Miller trashed the Rock & Roll
Halll of Fame.
                                                    [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) Darrell L. Duncan, WM, 53, 5'5", 130 lbs, parking on a private lot; Ashley N. Ussery, WF, 23, 5'1", 165 lbs, petty theft, resisting arrest; Brittany A. Hough, a/k/a Brittany Richman, WF, 26, 5'6", 145 lbs, sale of sexual relations, petty theft; Rodney D. Boyles, a/k/a Rodney Baylor, WM, 35, 6'0", 210 lbs, petty theft, rude physical contact (City of Wichita); James B. Poncin, a/k/a James P. Boncin, WM, 26, 5'11", 148 lbs, permitting animal to run at large and bite; Bondderick E. Sanders, a/k/a Stack G, BM, 21, 6'0", 190 lbs, criminal damage to property; LaDonna A. Frischenmeyer, a/ki/a LaDonna Hodgin, WF, 50, 5'4", 160 lbs, failure to report to pretrial services, 2nd offense; Jirika J. Freeman, a/k/a Jirika J. Franklin, 37, 6'0", 170 lbs, hallucinogens, petty theft; Randal L. Potts, WM, 22, 5'10", 160 lbs, domestic battery, bodily harm, unlawful restraint, possession of drug paraphernalia and hallucinogens

Tyler  Summit,  son of the legendary University of Tennessee
women's basketball coach Pat Summit, resigned as women's
basketball coach at Louisiana Tech  over  an  "inappropriate
relationship." . . .

And now the sixth season winner of "The Voice," Josh Kauf-
man,  will replace Jim Nabors at this year's 500-Mile Race
in Indianapolis. . . .

Google would not show the schedule for the NCAA Wom-
en's NCAA basketball tournament. . . .

Abby Wambach was arrested for DUI in Portland, Oregon.

I'm a "catfisher."  I use a fake Clutterbook account with pictures
of an attractive woman to attract men. I target married and com-
mitted men.  I flirt with them on line to  see  how  far  they'll  go.
They often ask me for more pictures and invite me to meet them
somewhere for sex.  I never give real information or meet them.

My question is,  should I let the women these men are involved
with know that their men are unfaithful,  or keep it to myself?

                                                                            Georgia Karma

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 3/27/16 @ 12:02 CDT:

That Li'l Marcey in last week's Wanted in Wichi-
ta has that "fresh fucked" look.

Jeanetta wrote Sun 3/27/16 @15:43 CDT:

All those black basketball boys with orange flip-
flop and stand-up dreadlocks  –  is that the "new
Buckwheat do?"

Publius Leget wrote Sun 3/27/16 @09:20 CDT:

OK.  Troy Goins' bobcat.  Is it alive or dead in
the photo?  Did he shoot it, or trap it,  or catch
it with his bare hands?

The statue of Tadeusz Kosciuszko stolen from a park in East Chi-
cago was restored by a sculptor.
                                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Marshall County's most wanted: David Wayne Martin, WM, 5'10", 170 lbs, theft; Most wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Decorey Monte Harris Jr., BM, retail fraud; Nykeisha Lashay Buchanan, BF, assault w/a dangerous weapon; John David Harrell, WM, assault by strangulation (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Three protesters sued Donald Trump and others for being as-
saulted at a Trump for President rally in Louisville on March
1 (they have filed criminal charges also). . . .

Jefferson County Circuit Court Judge Olu Stevens of Louis-
ville sued the state Judicial Conduct Commission in federal
court.
                                                                    [courtesy WDRB]

Lexington's most wanted: Daquise Jackson "Bucky", BM, 20, 5'11", 161 lbs, willful mobery; Jessica Spencer "Tatty", WF, 24, 5'2", 100 lbs, uninformed consent; Danteze Brown "Toothy", BM, 31, 5'9", 200 lbs, burglary (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); Anjanette Halcomb, 35, on her way to jail for possession of marijuana, blew powdered heroin all over the inside of the patrol car

A state representative introduced a resolution in the Missouri legis-
lature to stop fellow lawmakers from saying "physical"  when they
mean "fiscal." (This is presented as dumb news from Kentucky be-
cause county governing bodies in Kentucky are  known  as  "fiscal
courts"  –  where things get sometimes,  shall we say,  "beyond de-
bate" – and who, in Kentucky, would understand?)

                                                              [courtesy Riverfront Times]

News media all over Kentucky (including the Lexington Herald-
Leader and the Associated Press)  reported  that the General As-
sembly had passed a bill defining bullying in schools – but none
of them defined it. Here it is, in Senate Bill 228: "Unwanted ver-
bal, physical or social behavior among students that  involves  a
real or perceived power imbalance and is repeated or has the po-
tential  to  be  repeated  (1)  that  occurs  on school premises,  on
school-sponsored transportation,  or at a school-sponsored event,
or (2) that disrupts the education process."
 

Cee Bee Food Store (Brownsville) Bench is broken - what if you can't read? (Tabloid Headlines photos)

                                             – Peter Marks, M.D., Ph.D.,  Deputy Director,  Center for Biologics
                                                Evaluation and Research, U.S. Food and Drug Administration  (in
                                                a 3:44-minute interview on National Public Radio's All Things Con-
                                                sidered,  he began all answers but one  with  the  conjunction  "So",
                                                which means he began all sentences with the conjunction "So," since
                                                every answer consisted of only  one  long  sentence  –  and the inter-
                                                viewer, Kelly McEvers, began one of the questions with "So, . . . ).

Quotations of the Wheat: "When the going gets weird, the weird go professional." – Leonard Simon

March 29:  Lucy Lawless, 48
                                       John McLaughlin, 89 (the PBS guy, not the musician)
                    March 30:  Norah Jones, 37
                                       Sabine Meyer, 57
                    March 31:  Shirley Jones, 82
                                       John D. Loudermilk, 82, "rock drummer"
                    April 1:  Rachel Maddow, 43
                                   Mary Frances "Debbie" Reynolds, 84
                    April 2:  Emmylou Harris, 69
                                  
                    April 3:  Jane Goodall, 82
                                   Doris Day, 92 (or 94)

France's state of emergency has allowed students to re-
sume smoking in schools. . . . Digital  tablets  were  set
up at historical sites  in Florence,  Italy,  to  discourage
graffiti. . . . Clutterbook Facebook sent a message to u-
sers all over the world asking, "Have you been affected
by the explosion?" without indication of what explosion
plosion  (it was the suicide bomb attack in Lahore, Pak-
istan). . . . A petition to allow carrying guns at  the  Re-
publican convention gained 24,000 signatures  on  line.
. . . A package of 300 live cockroaches was sent in the
mail to a man in Sweden to feed his snakes. . . . A  cat
was mailed 250 miles  in  England,  from  Cornwall  to
West Sussex,  in a box of DVD's. . . . Women  videoed
having sex with dogs were arrested in  South  Carolina
and Florida (the links will give you pittures of the wom-
en but not of the dogs). .  .  . Rhode Island's "Commerce
Corp. marketing director" resigned over a "tourism cam-
paign" for the state that drew laughs for using a film clip
from Iceland and a slogan of "cooler and warmer." . . .
George Mason University's School of Law was renamed
the Antonin Scalia School Of Law (ASSOL).

                                   [courtesy Harper's, AP, J. Ewing]

Wanted in Waco: Candice Renee Lee, WF, 35, 4'9", 183 lbs, Meth (and firewater); Jasmine N. Williams, BF, 25, 5'6", 251 lbs, burglary; . . . in Wichita (Kansas, not          Wichita Falls, Texas - already arrested, actually): Jamie R. Bubeck, WF, 52, 5'4', 170 lbs: Willful criminal damage to property; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Tiffini Hickman, BF, 45, 5'11", 270 lbs, theft of service

Five members of the United States women's soccer team filed a wage dis-
crimination complaint against the U.S. Soccer Federation. . . .

The NCAA basketball "March Madness Final Four" basketball tournament
was not on TV. . . .

My sister and I have no interest in body piercing  (except
our ears),  but we have seen it on friends  and are not im-
pressed. Now our 44-year-old mother has got her nipples
pierced and has started wearing jewelry there!

Our parents are divorced,  and Mom's not in a relationship;
so it's probably not to impress a man. She says she did it to
feel good about herself!   She takes off her top to show her
friends (female)  when they come over,  and  we  can  feel
them (not just see them) rolling their eyes.

And Mom has now started showing off her piercings to our
friends.  We are beyond embarrassed.  I suppose we should
be thankful that she hasn't pierced her most personal place,
like we've heard of some girls doing.  What can we do?

                                                              Humiliated in Houston