Today was a troubling day, for I felt overwhelmed by the demands of all the things I am trying to fit into my life, and I am recognizing far too many failures... My classwork overwhelms me, I feel inadequate at work, no matter my efforts, and all those questions which plague me remain unanswered about the truth of the human existence; about MY existence. I miss my children, the time I cannot spend with them in this pursuit to care for them AND me. Those things which are most important to me, I am unable to pursue, and my soul aches, grieves for the incompletion I suffer. I struggle so hard to be centered and complete, to touch the face of truth, so that I may finally walk grounded in surety of my purpose, my place. Instead, I am made only more aware by each effort of how truly alone I am in this universe, and how inadequately I am made. I cried today, and (silly me) cry even now. I should stop... I will.

 Is the human spirit ever content? Must we always strive within ourselves, and with each other? There is no rhyme or reason to this life - it is ruled by both order and chaos. But for some reason we are driven to impose our will upon it, force it to conform to rules and laws of our own choosing, and drive away the reality which stretches us, forces us to reach beyond ourselves to seek the greater in all things and in ourselves. Creatures of excess and gods of our own making, we desire to be the creator we can only aspire to be, to become greater than we are and torment, distort and pervert the life around us in our selfish pursuits. I cannot help but think that for all our intelligence, we are the basest, sometimes most vile, and yet most pitiable creatures on this planet, incapable of just being and rejoicing in the sheer pleasure of being for we have no PLACE here. Sometimes I wish I were as simple as the river, as free as the wind, as sturdy as the oak; mindless but existent in a greater sense for I would have place and usefulness in those capacities. Humans have no place on this planet - we do not tend it with love or gentleness or give to it as it gives to us, but rather simply use it without thought of consequence for no other purpose but for our own selfish materialistic pursuits. We are alone here, the instructors who placed us here have forsaken us and like a school of unsupervised children we wander about alone, ignorant, afraid. We strive with each other to make that place for ourselves that warrants our being, or seek comfort with each other for something no one person could ever give us - the comfort of truth, guidance and place. We are plagued by our inadequacy and our aloneness, and it destroys us, I think, as is evidenced in all it's various manifestations of violence, peace, love, hate, society, art, philosophy, religion... but there - see... I meander... I guess I just needed to vent, and, well, you seemed the one who would just read this and laugh at me, but still think.... (slight smile) You say I'm the thinker, but you are closer to the truth than I am, although I don't think you know it. It shows in the way you live, you treat others, you do; it's a part of the way you breathe. It's part of why I ....

 I do not have that thing inside of me that makes you so... present and aware.... so I wonder... what do you think? I wish you could just touch me, and make me as you are... touch my heart and infuse it with that deep, strong endless river that seems to embody your life. (laughing) I am a goose, aren't I? I see things in pictures, my world nothing more than a series of metaphors and similes. I think if I were a part of this world, I would have to be a windstorm; sometimes imparting the refreshing carress of a breeze to a flushed, weary face, or a laugh that whispers through the leaves of the trees to inspire dreams. Sometimes a dust devil to excite the wonders of the imagination, and other times a tornado... (wry grin) See what I mean? I think I've reached the point where I am about to return to simplicity and just learn to be; to not seek magic or spirit, but simply be - to live, to breathe, to do. Is that all that there is? Are we such ineffectual creatures... I think maybe so, but maybe I can learn to live with that now... no more fantasies... (grin) well; unrealistic ones anyway.

Always Yours,

  A postscript - Despite the reality check, the realizations on the futility of our place here, I find I cannot cease dreaming, hoping, reaching to go beyond... Perhaps that speaks to the eternal nature of the human spirit... or just my own insanity. I continue to cling to my dreams that someday we will all realize that we are a part of each other and begin to work together and to heal as people and our mother, the Earth which cares so lovingly for us. It's a nice ideal (sigh), but who will bring it about to be?

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Kathleen

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I'm glad you came! Thanks for checking out my stuff. This page has been visited times since it's creation July 1998. Come back again and check out the additions and changes!.

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elaith@bellsouth.net

United States