HOME

HEAD LINE NEWS

AMERICANA

VOODOO'S VIEWS

ABOUT VOODOO

MESSAGING

For that reason, we offer this vision of the season that begins in the Meadlowlands:

Aug. 29 -- Austin Moherman starts at quarterback, but he and Steve Bellisari split time almost equally in Ohio State's 36-31 win over Miami. The Hurricanes gain almost 400 yards through holes created by inexperienced linebackers. After the game, reporters ask defensive coordinator Fred Pagac what he thought of the two quarterbacks.

Sept. 9 -- Two days before the Buckeyes' second game, John Cooper announces he doesn't have any idea who will start at quarterback. He denies a published report that Mike Jacobs and Tim Salem are at odds over the starter and planned to arm-wrestle for the right to choose. He later mentions that Jacobs will miss the game because of an elbow injury he suffered while roller-blading.

Sept. 11 -- Moherman passes for 310 yards and three touchdowns but overthrows two receivers in the third quarter and the fans begin chanting for Bellisari. Cooper finally relents and Bellisari runs 60 yards on an option play for the winning score as the Buckeyes eke out a 41-38 win over UCLA. UCLA's players miss their plane back to LA after they return to find their bus has been towed for parking in a handicapped spot.

Sept. 18 -- Linebackers Na'il Diggs and Jason Ott are both hurt early in the Buckeyes' 56-51 win over Ohio U. and freshmen finish up. After missing out on what could have been the upset of the decade on a blocked punt returned for a touchdown in the final 10 seconds, OU coach Jim Grobe is peppered with questions about who he would start at quarterback if he were the Ohio State coach.

Sept. 21 -- Dom Tiberi sets up shop on a billboard in downtown Columbus and says he won't come down until Cooper starts Bellisari at quarterback. After a few days of Tiberi's compelling "live" reports on The Fan, WBNS forgets he is there.

Sept. 25 -- A few minutes after OSU beats Cincinnati 75-0, athletics director Andy Geiger announces that the hard feelings between the two schools in basketball don't extend to football. He says OSU will play UC in football "whenever they want."

Oct. 2 -- Despite gaining 175 yards rushing last week, Jonathan Wells moves to linebacker and makes several game-saving tackles. After OSU's 61-38 win over Wisconsin, reporters ask him if his defensive experience gives him a better idea on whether Moherman or Bellisari should start at quarterback.

Oct. 16 -- Moherman throws three costly interceptions before Cooper switches to Bellisari in OSU's 38-37 loss at No. 1 Penn State. The few Buckeyes fans in State College jeer the now- unpopular Cooper with calls to "resign."

Oct. 18 -- The Buckeyes fall from No. 4 to No. 8 in the polls. Talk-show callers, angry that Bellisari wasn't brought in sooner, demand Cooper's dismissal. Cooper responds the only way he knows how. "They want to gamble, but they want to gamble with my chips," he says.

Oct. 20 -- Cleveland Indians general manager John Hart says he may not know how to acquire a first-rate starting pitcher, but he knows that Moherman is the better of the two OSU quarterbacks. Mike Hargrove tells him to shut up.

Oct. 25 -- The Faith Mission publicly offers "to take the poor homeless guy on the billboard in." Tiberi asks if their rooms include breakfast.

Oct. 31 -- Bengals GM Mike Brown says he thinks Moherman is an outstanding pro prospect and would use a first-round draft pick on him if he came out early. Cooper immediately announces that Bellisari will start next week at Michigan State.

Nov. 6 -- Bellisari rushes for three touchdowns and passes for two, but Moherman's 78-yard bomb is the winner as OSU runs its record to 9-1 with a 54-46 win over the Spartans. Cooper says the coaches are close to a decision on a starting quarterback.

Nov. 9 -- Longtime buddies Kirk Herbstreit and Joey Galloway get into a fistfight in the WBNS studio arguing over which OSU quarterback should start. Galloway ends his season-long holdout and accepts Seattle's new low-ball offer just "to get away from that media moron from ESPN."

Nov. 11 -- Scoonie Penn says he will come out for football if Cooper will let him play linebacker. Cooper accepts. Jim O'Brien tells Cooper to stop gambling with his chips.

Nov. 13 -- Illinois rushes for 578 yards but loses eight fumbles in a 57-31 loss to OSU. Bellisari starts, but splits time with Moherman at quarterback. Cooper says he expects to settle on a starter soon.

Nov. 14 -- OSU officials invite Stan Jackson to Cooper's pre- Michigan media luncheon to espouse the merits of the two- quarterback system. Jackson agrees to come as long as he doesn't have to appear with "that pinhead Germaine." OSU officials decide against it.

Nov. 20 -- Moherman and Bellisari each pass for three touchdowns in OSU's 52-46 win over Michigan that clinches the Big Ten championship. Reporters demand to know why Cooper won't settle on one quarterback.

Dec. 15 -- After the BCS computer puts Ohio State in the national championship game over unbeaten Tennessee, Cooper says he no longer sees the value of a genuine playoff. He says he is worried about the loss of class time for student-athletes.

Jan. 1 -- Moherman and Bellisari are suspended for one game for betting on when Art Schlichter will get out of prison.

Jan. 4 -- Scott McMullen and Craig Krenzel each pass for three TDs in a 46-44 win over Florida State in the Sugar Bowl, clinching the mythical national championship.

Reporters, fans and TV analysts say the Buckeyes would have won by a bigger margin if only Cooper had been smart enough to settle on one quarterback.

Direct all questions and comments to VoodooMirage@hotmail.com.