Last Up-dated on: September 11, 2002

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120 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate Your Soap Opera Name Star Wars Name You Know You Are Too Stressed If... 67 fun things to do at Walmart 20 Things To Do At A Fast Food Drive-Thur 50 things to say when you want to be left alone 50 Fun Things To Do in a Final That Does Not Matter Merry Christmas in over 120 Languages 100 Ways to Order a Pizza

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120 Ways TO Confuse Your Roommate
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye. 41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and cream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessionsimmediately.
56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your NativeAmerican roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any NativeAmerican roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."
74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity. 76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners. 85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o- lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-olantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again. 95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
101. Offer to shake hands, all the time. Immediately afterwards, go to the bathroom and wash your hands for about half an hour. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Better to be safe than sorry."
102. Keep a goldfish in your room. Watch it for hours, writing down all of its movements and actions in a notebook. Then, one day, stuff the notebook in the fish bowl, and write down all of its movements and actions on the fish. If your roommate asks, explain that the notebook is a lot easier to keep track of, and doesn't eat nearly as much.
103. Use your VCR as a toaster, stuffing bread or pop-tarts into it every morning. When you eat them, complain that something doesn't taste quite right. Adjust the tracking on your VCR, and from then on rave about how good the food is.
104. Keep a plant by your telephone. Every time you enter the room, ask the plant if anybody called. Complain to your roommate that the plant has been making up wild stories about important phone calls.
105. Get a Pet Rock. Sleep with it, and read it bedtime stories. Every night, as soon as you turn out the light, start screaming at the top of your lungs. Explain to your roommate that the rock is afraid of the dark.
106. Get a trampoline for your room. Invite your friends over and jump on it all the time. Then, while your roommate is gone, get rid of the trampoline and draw a chalk outline of a human body on the ceiling. If your roommate inquires, say that you don't want to discuss it.
107. Set your alarm for any time during the day. When it goes off, immediately go to bed, letting the alarm clock continue ringing or buzzing until your roommate turns it off. When he/she does, get up and go about your normal daily business.
108. Stuff yourself into a big plastic bag. Tell your roommate that you've contracted a rare case of the Bulgarian Measels, and you're now being quarantined by the Health Center. Tell your roommate you've been using his/her toothbrush.
109. Light firecrackers and toss them into your roommate's bed while he/she is sleeping. When he/she wakes up, pretend to be asleep.
110. Get a sponge and draw a face on it. Take it to class with you. Let the sponge help you with your homework. Leave notes to your roommate, from the sponge, accusing your roommate of not living up to his/her academic potential.
111. Make "small talk" with your roommate, asking questions like, "How was your day?" and "What are your plans for tonight?" Act interested and write all the responses down, muttering things like, "Hmmm.... Very interesting." Call a local radio station and report the results.
112. Dump all of your roommate's laundry in the center of the room in one big pile. Burn it. If your roommate protests, explain that it was a sacrifice to the "fashion gods".
113. Wait until your roommate is very tired. Insist that you are a master of massage. Ask your roommate to lie down. When he/she does, whack him/her in the head with a baseball bat. If your roommate is still alive, and protests, say, "Oh, I must have done it wrong. Let me try again." If your roommate is dumb enough to let you try again, once more hit him/her in the head with a baseball bat.
114. Complain often about having a loose tooth. When your roommate isn't looking, stuff your mouth with white marbles. Pretend to sneeze, and spew the marbles all over the place. Scream, and run out of the room.
115. Come into the room with a fire extinguisher hidden behind your back. Ask your roommate if he/she has a light. If he/she gives you one, spray him/her with the fire extinguisher. If he/she doesn't give you one, spray him/her anyway.
116. Put an umbrella up, over your bed. Sleep underneath it at night. If your roommate asks about it, respond by saying, "A storm's a-brewin'." Then, one night, get a bucket of water and dump it on your roommate while he/she is sleeping. Get back into bed. If your roommate asks about the incident, claim that you don't know what happened.
117. Get a gasoline can and fill it up with water. Keep it under your bed. Wait until your roommate is around, and start running around the room. Then, collapse, and say, "Damn, I ran out of gas!" Crawl over to the gasoline can and drink from it. Get up, and start running around again.
118. Get two mannequins and keep them inside the room. Every day, dress up one to look like yourself, and the other to look like your roommate. One day, position them so that your mannequin is shaking the roommate mannequin's hand. Later that day, shake your roommate's hand. The next day, position them so that your mannequin is kicking the roommate mannequin. Later that day, kick your roommate. The next day, position them so that your mannequin is stabbing the roommate mannequin with a really big knife. Glare at your roommate for the rest of the day.
119. Keep a variety of bugs and insects inside a jar. Use a stethoscope to "listen" to what the insects are talking about. Act like you can't understand anything. Then, at night, get up suddenly, turn on the lights, and start yelling, "Shut up! I'm trying to sleep! You guys are so damn loud, I can't hear myself think!" Continue complaining for about half an hour. Do this every night until all of the insects are dead, at which time, sob, sniff, and say, "I'm gonna miss those guys."
120. Get an air pump. Put the end in your mouth, and start pumping. Do so for a few seconds. Repeat this action every day, eventually extending the amount of "pumping" time to several minutes. Then, one day, while your roommate is out, get some blood, intestines, and anything else you can find at the biology lab. Scatter and smear these things around the room, leaving the air pump in the center. Leave your roommate a note that reads, "I'm sorry, I just can't stand living with you any more. So, I'm ending it all. Sorry about the mess.
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Your Soap Opera Name
To create YOUR Soap Opera Name follow these instructions:
1. Take your middle name
2. Take the name of the street you live on [ie. You live on Main St., take Main]
3. Your middle name is your first name
4. Your street name is your last name Back up to top

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Star Wars Name
Follow the instructions below to create YOUR Star Wars Name:

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Your first name:

1. First 3 letters of your 1st name
2. First 2 letters of your last name


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Your last name:

3. First 2 letters of your Mom's maiden name
4. First 3 letters of the city you were born in.
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You Know You Are Too Stressed If...
• Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
• You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• The sun is too loud.
• Trees begin chasing you.
• You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
• You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
• You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
• You can hear mimes.
• You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
• Things becomes "Very Clear".
• You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
• The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
• You begin speaking in a language that only you and channelers can understand.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
• Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
• David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey!, can I film you?"
• You and Reality file for divorce.
• You can skip without a rope.
• It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
• You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
• You can travel without moving.
• Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
• You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
• You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
• Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
• You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before...
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67 fun things to do at Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and leaving them them in strategiclocations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minuteintervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people youcan get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground,leading to the restrooms.
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 inHousewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands ofthe mannequins.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bringpillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to theBatcave!"
26. TP(toilet paper) as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell"hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme om "Mission:Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes aretalking to them.
47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It'sthose voices again!"
49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Goodgirl, good Bessie."
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without sayinga word.
54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until theyleave the department.
55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can"catch" from the other aisles.
57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "Hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "Hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."
58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.59. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
60.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
61.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
62.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
63.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
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20 Things To Do At A Fast Food Drive-Thur
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
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50 things to say when you want to be left alone
1) Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at least I have her skin to remember her by.
2) Have you ever tried cat meat?
3) I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground really miss me.
4) Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
5) I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.
6) I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!
7) The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!
8) (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?
9) I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
10) My butt reeeally itches!
11) Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!
12) My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
13) The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.
14) Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
15) I stepped in doggy doo-doo AGAIN?!
16) I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?
17) My mother just told me we can't sleep together anymore.
18) Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!
19) Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!
20) Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
21) I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not!
22) This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
23) Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
24) If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up.
25) Wanna buy a gerbil?
26) Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David!
27) Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.
28) Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border!
29) I've just been treated for tapeworms.
30) Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
31) I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.
32) The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago.
33) Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
34) I collect aluminum foil.
35) Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!
36) I work in a landfill.
37) I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.
38) I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
39) I work on a Japanese whaling ship.
40) (With Arkansas accent) Hey, if me and my wife get divorced, are we still legally brother and sister?
41) I still think elvis is alive.
42) Hey! You, me, and some play-dough baby. We can't go wrong.
43) I'm taking a survey. Would you have sex with me if I were to ask?
44) (turn and snap quick) WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PSYCO???
45) (rub stomach) Human extrmities do not settle well.
46) Hi. I'm O.J. Simpson
47) Hey look. I havn't whiped my bumb in months.
48) Obsession is a strage and powerful master. (the gaze at them until they run)
49) My family tree doesn't fork.
50) (Scream at the top on your lungs) OH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD. (in public)
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50 Fun Things To Do in a Final That Does Not Matter
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc...).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "I hate this test and I hate you all!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets TO ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor [ie. Jones] Sucks"
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Merry Christmas in over 120 Languages


Afrikaans - Geseende Kerfees en 'n gelukkige nuwe jaar Albanian - Gëzuar Krishlindjet Vitin e Ri! Amharic - Melkam Yelidet Beaal Arabic - I'D Miilad Said ous Sana Saida Aramaic- Edo bri'cho o rish d'shato brich'to! Argentine - Felices Pascuas y Feliz Año Nuevo Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand Aromunian - Crãciunu hãriosu shi unu anu nãu, bunu! Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun Bahasa Malaysia - Selamat Hari Natal Bashkir - Basque - Zorionak eta Urte Berri On! Bengali - Shuvo Baro Din - Shuvo Nabo Barsho Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce Brazilian - Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloav ezh mat Bulgarian - Vasel Koleda; Tchesti nova godina! Catalan - Bon nadal i feliç any nou! Cantonese - Seng Dan Fai Lok, Sang Nian Fai Lok Choctaw - Yukpa, Nitak Hollo Chito Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth Corsican - Bon Natale e Bon capu d' annu Crazanian - Rot Yikji Dol La Roo Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi Creek - Afvcke Nettvcakorakko Croatian - Sretan Bozic Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok Danish - Glædelig Jul og godt nytår Duri - Christmas-e- Shoma Mobarak Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar! Egyptian - Colo sana wintom tiebeen English - Merry Christmas & Happy New Year Eskimo - Jutdlime pivdluarit ukiortame pivdluaritlo! Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon Estonian - Rõõmsaid Jõulupühi Head uut aastat Euskera - Zorionak eta Urte Berri On Faeroese - Gledhilig jól og eydnurikt nýggjár! Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad Finnish - Hyvää Joulua or Hauskaa Joulua Flemish - Zalig Kerstfeest en Gelukkig nieuw jaar French - Joyeux Noël et Bonne Année! Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier! Friulian - Bon Nadâl e Bon An Gnûf Gaelic - Nollaig chridheil agus Bliadhna mhath ur! Galician - Bon Nadal e Bo Ani Novo German - Froehliche Weihnachten und ein glückliches Neues Jahr! Greek - Kala Christougenna Kieftihismenos O Kenourios Chronos Greenlandic - Juullimi Ukiortaassamilu Pilluarit Hausa - Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara! Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka & Hauoli Makahiki Hou Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Shana Tova Hindi - Shub Naya Baras Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyiunnepeket & Boldog Új Évet Icelandic - Gleðileg Jól og Farsaelt Komandi ár! Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah Irish -Nollaig Shona Dhuit Italian - Buon Natale e Felice Anno Nuovo Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto Jèrriais - Bouan Noué et Bouanne Année Jiberish -Mithag Crithagsigathmithags Karaim - Bijancli Chydzlar, Janhy jyl Kutlu Bolsun Karelian - Rastawanke Sinun, Uvven Vuvenke Sinun Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha Krio - Appi Krismes en Appi Niu Yaa Kurdish - Seva piroz sahibe u sersala te piroz be Ladin - Bon Nadel y Bon Ann Nuef Lappic - Buorit Juovllat ja Buorre Oddajahki Latin - Natale hilare et Annum Nuovo! Latvian - Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno Gadu! Lausitzian - Wjesole hody a strowe nowe leto Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu ir laimingu Nauju metu Livian - Riiemlizi Talspividi ja pagin vonno udaigastos Low Saxon -Heughliche Winachten un 'n moi Nijaar Luxemburgish - Schei Kreschtdeeg an e Scheint Nei Joer Macedonian -Streken Bozhik Malay - Selamat Hari Natal Malayalam - Puthuvalsara Aashamsakal Maltese - Nixtieklek Milied tajjeb u is-sena t-tabja! Mandarin - Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa Maori - Meri Kirihimete Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh Mongolian - Zul saryn bolon shine ony mend devshuulye Monogasque - Festusu Natale e Bona ana noeva Norwegian - God Jul og Godt Nyttår Occitan - Polit nadal e bona annada Oriya - Sukhamaya christmass ebang khusibhara naba barsa Papiamento - Bon Pasco Papua New Guinea - Bikpela hamamas blong dispela Krismas na Nupela yia i go long yu Pashto - De Christmas akhtar de bakhtawar au newai kal de mubarak sha. Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag unen hallich Nei Yaahr! Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia Portuguese - Boas Festas e um feliz Ano Novo Punjabi - Nave sal di mubaraka Pushto - Christmas Aao Ne-way Kaal Mo Mobarak Sha Raeto-Ramance - Bella Festas da zNadal ed in Ventiravel Onn Nov Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua Rhetian - Bellas festas da nadal e bun onn Romanche - Legreivlas fiastas da Nadal e bien niev onn! Romani (GYPSY) - Bachtalo krecunu Thaj Bachtalo Nevo Bers Romanian - Hristos s-a Nascut si Anul Nou Fericit Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom Sami - Buorrit Juovllat Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou Sardian - Felize Nadale e Bonu Cabuannu Sardinian - Bonu nadale e prosperu annu nou Scots Gaelic - Nollaig chridheil huibh Serbian -Hristos se rodi Serb-Croatian - Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa Sorbian - Wjesole hody a strowe Nowe leto. Somali - ciid wanaagsan iyo sanad cusub oo fiican. Slovakian - Vesele Vianoce a stastny novy rok Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok Slovene - Vesele bozicne praznike in srecno novo leto Sorbian - Wjesole hody a strowe Nowe leto Spanish - Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo Swahili - ºKrismas Njema Na Heri Za Mwaka Mpyaº Swedish - God Jul och Gott Nytt År Sudanese - Wilujeng Natal Sareng Warsa Enggal Tagalog - Maligayang Pasko at Manigong Bagong Taon Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal Thai - Suksan Wan Christmas lae Sawadee Pee Mai Tok Pisin - Meri Krismas & Hepi Nu Yia Tongan - Kilisimasi Fiefia & Ta'u fo'ou monu ia Trukeese - Neekirissimas annim oo iyer seefe feyiyeech! Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun Ukrainian - Veseloho Vam Rizdva i Shchastlyvoho Novoho Roku! Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho Vepsi - Rastvoidenke i Udenke Vodenke Vietnamese - Chuc Mung Giang Sinh - Chuc Mung Tan Nien Welsh - Nadolig LLawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda Xhosa - Siniqwenelela Ikrisimesi EmnandI Nonyaka Omtsha Ozele Iintsikelelo Namathamsanqa Yayeya - Krisema Yiddish - Gute Vaynakhtn un a Gut Nay Yor Yoruba - E ku odun, e hu iye' dun! Zulu - Sinifesela Ukhisimusi Omuhle Nonyaka Omusha Onempumelelo

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100 Ways to Order a Pizza
* If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
* Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
* Use CB lingo where applicable.
* Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
* Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
* Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
* Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up
* Answer their questions with questions.
* In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
* Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.
* Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
* Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.
* Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
* Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
* Stutter on the letter "p."
* Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
* Ask what the order taker is wearing.
* Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
* Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
* Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
* Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
* Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
* Change your accent every three seconds.
* Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
* Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
* Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."
* If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
* Rent a pizza.
* Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
* Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
* Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
* Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
* Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
* Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
* Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
* Imitate the order taker's voice.
* Eliminate verbs from your speech.
* When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
* Play a sitar in the background.
* Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture
* Waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
* Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
* Ask to see a menu.
* Quote Carl Sandberg.
* Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
* Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
* Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
* Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
* Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
* Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
* Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
* Psychoanalyze the order taker.
* Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
* Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
* Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
* Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
* Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired.
* Report a petty theft to the order taker.
* Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
* Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
* If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
* Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
* Try to talk while drinking something.
* Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"
* Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
* Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
* Be vague in your order.
* When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
* If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
* After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
* Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
* State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
* Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
* Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
* Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
* When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
* Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
* Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
* Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
* Put them on hold.
* Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
* Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."
* Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
* When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
* When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
* Haggle.
* Order a one-inch pizza.
* Order term life insurance.
* When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
* Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
* Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
* While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
* Engage in some serious swapping.
* Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
* Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
* If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.
* Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
* Order a steamed pizza.
* Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
* Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
* If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
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