August
30, 2002: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – today's headlines (Tabloid Headlines comes
to you two days early this weekend owing to an early
adverti-
sing deadline for the holiday):
Women & fish both fake
orgasms!
SIAMESE QUINTUPLETS!
3 BOYS AND 2 GIRLS JOINED
AT
THE WAIST!
Million$ in ad
offers pour in from diaper
companies!
FORGET
ABOUT TOAD LICKING!
There's
a new drug:
LIZARD POOP!
How
to use your cell phone
WITHOUT
getting cancer!
'DON'T
CALL US FREAKS!'
SAY DEFORMED
ROCKERS
CHINA
TUNNELS THROUGH EARTH
– TO INVADE AMERICA!
AMOEBAS
ATTACK FLORIDA SWIMMERS!
JESUS'
TOMB FOUND IN INDIA?
AFRICAN TRIBE
WORSHIPS
BARBRA
STREISAND'S NOSE!
101-TON DALMATIAN
[actually, he weighs
only 154 pounds]
KILLER
SEAGULLS
PECK GRANDPA TO DEATH!
[all courtesy Weekly World News : This issue is worth
running
out and buying – just for the photos of the Siamese quints
in
one six-legged diaper (oops! What became of the other
four
legs? Is that part of what being "Siamese" is all about?), the
lizard dung doobie being rolled, and the handicapped rock &
roll band! Sorry, copyright restrictions prohibit our
sending
you these photos with Tabloid Headlines]
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers
interested
in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include a fish called Wanda.
August 25, 2002: Things you
would never know if you
did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – today's headlines:
WORLD'S FATTEST TWINS
- ARRESTED FOR STEALING
THE -
WORLD'S
FATTEST
CAT
SHE: 2,850
lbs!
HE: 2,902 lbs! CAT: 42 lbs 12 oz!
FREE PINUP POSTER INSIDE!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
JIMMY
HOFFA'S SHRUNKEN HEAD FOUND IN FLORIDA!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
FGDean@aol.com wrote at Mon, 19 Aug
2002
20:24:16 PDT:
"Slow news week"?
I'm not so sure. Tatum's bust is
significant;
it serves as evidence
that she
is still alive.
But who is Justin
Timberlake? . . .
Tatum's bust is significant?
Gee, we don't know
-- last time we
saw her was in Paper Moon, and she was sorta flat-chested then.
Justin Timberlake is Britney
Spears' former boy friend (fiancée?
signficant either?) – as if anyone of our
generation would give a
fuck.
We got a letter from our crusty old
ex-assistant-city-editor of the
Indianpolis Star, Richard R. Roberts – who wore black T-shirts to
work and barked into two telephones and squeezed tennis balls in
both hands to strengthen his wrists (all
at the same time), and
thought he was Norman Mailer ("But Norman Mailer stabbed his
wife!"
gasped Margie Brahms, who at the time was a fellow repor-
ter with us
under RRRRRRRRoberts' tutelage), and whose tooth we
knocked
out
in a party game in which we simply stood facing each
other taking
turns
slapping one another in the cheek with open hand
(he caught the tooth
in his left hand and stuffed it back into its sock-
et), and who is now
in his late 70's – in which he said "the lot of
good actors is paltry
now
along with other cultural indices – when
Ben Afleck and Mike Myers
are the best we have, it's unfortunate."
On other matters he
commented,
"Most fiction I have seen lately is
like being locked in a ladies'
powder
room or getting your head
stuck in a milling machine. Most music
sounds
like dinosaur farts."
He wrote also:
"An axiom: Never trust
a man until you know you can knock him
down at
any time if he gets out of line. Use fist, hammer, ball bat –
anything
handy and dependable. This applies also to male women,
which
are far
more numerous than they used to be . . . ."
Thank you for writing.
-- The Editors
August 18, 2002: Things you would
never know if you did
not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – today's headlines (sorry, slow news week):
TATUM
O'NEAL CAUGHT SMOKING CRACK!
[courtesy National Enquirer]
BRITNEY
CRACKS UP!
[courtesy the Star]
August 11, 2002: Things you would
never know if you did
not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – today's headlines:
REAGAN
HAD
MENTAL COLLAPSE IN WHITE HOUSE!
[courtesy the Globe – this is news?]
and, this week's special, headline plus article synopsis
and excerpts:
Family
learns teen
in casket is not their son
Brandenburg, Ky. – Jeremy Hylemon, 15, and John Grubs
Jr., 16, were critically injured
in a one-car accident here early Wednesay,
July 31. Both were flown to University Hospit-
al in Louisville, where
the boy identified as Grubs died the same morning. His
funeral was
held three days later. The boy identified as Hylemon lay in a coma
in the hospital those three
days as his family sat and stood watch.
A friend of the boys attended the funeral, looked in the
casket, and recognized the corpse
as Hylemon's, not Grubs'. He rushed
to the hospital to tell Hylemon's mother. She called
her mother,
who rushed to the funeral home, not in time to stop the funeral (it was
over), but
in time to stop the cremation.
Numerous attendants at the "Grubs" wake had said, "That
doesn't look like John," but were
told that his severe head trauma required
heavy makeup.
At the hospital Hylemon's mother
had said, "That don't
look like Jeremy. His nose is too
big." The hospital said he
suffered
head trauma when he went through the windshield. She
said,
"Well, his upper lip is fatter."
And they said that's due to the
head trauma.
In short, the hospital, mortuary, police and coroner's
spokespersons were "blaming the vic-
tims"; and they blamed all misidentifications
on the victims' families. But all family spokesper-
sons said that
none of them was ever asked for positive identification;
they were simply
told
who was who.
And Jefferson County Coroner Richard Greathouse added
insult
to death and injury, com-
menting to a reporter, "I wouldn't have any trouble
ID'ing this young man if he were my own
son."
Meanwhile the mourners, who had mourned three-and-a-half
days for naught, and those ho-
ping and praying for the survival of a loved
one, who had hoped and prayed three-and-a-half
days for naught, traded
places. . . .
[courtesy The Louisville Courier-Journal. Despite
the strongly
held opinions
of certain Republicans, the Courier-Journal is not a tabloid; and this
bizarre true
story scooped all the fiction in all the tabloids combined this week.]
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
dss <newnewtonium@netscape.net>
wrote Tues 06 Aug
2002 @19:26:24
EDT:
I appreciate the Tabloid Headlines
service.
I wouldn't read the damn tab-
loids if they were free. And your service saves me all that
time.
I just don't
understand how you have time to do it.
If anyone has any understanding of the internet (which is
questionable),
don't
they realize that a sarcastic and ironic spam is its own joke and
condemnation
of the internet?
[Please note that, beginning with this issue, all
subscribers are
"blind copied" instead of "copied" in the hope of sparing your
being "blindsided" with recriminations such
as those you re-
ceived last week from a dissatisfied (and former) subscriber.]
August 4, 2002: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – today's headlines:
WORLD'S SMARTEST APE
GOES TO COLLEGE
Chimp
scores 150 on IQ test and gets
scholarship to a state university!
INSIDE:
How YOU can
chat with Frank the chimp on the Web!
[courtesy
Weekly World News: Sorry,
Dave, they did not
name the
university – but they didn't deny
it was Indiana!]
CLINTONS REACH DIVORCE
DEAL!
After he's caught with
Aussie blonde
[courtesy the Globe]
WORLD'S
YOUNGEST NINJA!
9-month
old baby gets
black belt in karate
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to and FROM the EDITOR:
Frank Reed <Jansblooms@aol.com>
wrote
Sun 28 Jul 2002 @12:07:09 CDT "for Jan":
Hi Natty, I do not read the Tabloids
and recommend
you not waste your time on them either.
Reply:
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