:
                                      

Hillary her nose is falling off (Globe); Natalie Wood death breakthrough, Wagner forced to confess, failed lie detector test (Enquirer); Miley to Liam: Let's share girls, li'l wrecking ball wants threesomes (Enquirer)

Publius Leget wrote Sun 8/23/15 @10:45 CDT:

OK, Mr. Wheat!  I have another euphemism for "dumb cunt":
"QUIMwit" (rhymes with "DIMwit").

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 8/23/15 @12:04 PDT re our list of "unisex"
names in last week's item about "genderless" marriage licenses  (Alex,
Angel, Beverly, Connie, Darcy, Jordan, Leslie, Shirley, Taylor . . . ):

You left out Sue.

Not to mention Jesse (Jessie), Lindsey (Lindsay), and Larry.    – Editor


and Bruce wrote Sun 8/23/15 @12:37 PDT, re the Kentucky ACLU di-
rector's remark about "unfair discrimination":

What would make discrimination fair?

Discrimination is not inherently unfair.  E.g.:

• You prefer Cheerios to Trix.  You are discriminating.
• You are a vegetarian.  You are discriminating against meat.
• You prefer shorts to knickerbockers.  You are discriminating.
  
• You prefer male sexual partners to female sexual partners:  You are discriminating.
  
• You go to a square dance: "Gents left, ladies right (allemande left, allemande right . . . ).

There is nothing inherently unfair  about preferring white people
to Negroes, Catholics to Protestants, old people to young people,
men to women (or vice versa, in any of those instances), but it is
unfair when your government does it,  in the face of such law as
the 14th Amendment.

And here's the kicker:  "Indiscriminate"  is another word usually
used as a pejorative – and it's the opposite of "discriminate."

Thank you for the "Roots and grafts" question.    – Editor


FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 8/23/2015 17:12 PDT from Los Angeles,

Calif.,  re  our recent suggestion that the slogan on the Grammar Police
badge should say "serve and correct," not "correct and serve":

Yes, that may be a more proper phrasing; but is seems they
are trading on the classic slogan  "To protect and to serve,"
which appears on LAPD squad cars.

You're right about the LAPD!  In Dallas and Chicago it's the oppo-
site.  The New York Police Department slogan is,  "Courtesy, pro-
fessionalism, respect"  (take  that,  heirs of Eric Garner!).   Guess
the badge we showed was designed in Southern California.

You have amplified one of our continuing complaints:  There are no
standards.    – Ed.


Honkin de Spain wrote Thurs 8/20/15:

Speaking of celebrity lookalikes, what about Stanley Kubrick and
George Bernard Shaw, whom you showed side by side  sharing  a
birthday July 26?

The American Civil Liberties Union has sued to overturn a
new law prohibiting voters' taking photos of their ballots. . . .

The brazen black bear wandering northern Indiana was be-
lieved to have returned to Michigan. . . .

Eighteen birds in cages died of smoke inhalation in a house
fire in Hammond.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Jinna Shelton, BF, 30, 5'5", 145 lbs, burglary; Tonell Jhakkar Williams, BM, 6'4", 180 lbs, coke (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Three protesters from the Fairness Campaign were arrested
at the Kentucky State Fair ham breakfast.

                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Casey Davis,  County Clerk  of Casey County  (maybe  some
relation),  was riding a bicycle across Kentucky in support of
Kim Davis (no  relation, but he calls her "my sister"), County
Clerk  of  Rowan  County,  who  has been ordered by federal
courts to issue gay marriage licenses  (but still refuses). . . .

Wildlife officials used DNA to trace a  mountain  lion  killed
in central Kentucky to the Black Hills of South Dakota – but
there was a bit of  controversy  between the two states about
how it got to Kentucky.
                                       [courtesy WLKY, Rapid City Journal]

The state Commission on Human Rights resolved to repeal
the section of the state constitution prohibiting slavery, as a
vestige of slavery.
                                                            [courtesy WKYU-FM]

The University of Kentucky student newspaper, the Kentucky
Kernel, cut publication from five days a week to two to  "ex-
pand its online reach."
                                                                        [courtesy itself]

Lexington's most wanted: Jamie Overpeck, WF, 41, 115 lbs, burglary (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

"It's said only 5 to 10 per cent of Muslims are extremists.  In 1940 only 7 per cent of the
 Germans were Nazis. How'd that go?"
                                                                                    – Curt Schilling

"Indiana State Fair draws roughly 907,000 to fairgrounds."
                                                                                                    – The Columbus Republic

"There are about 90,000 employees at the IRS.  We need to padlock that building – take all
 90,000,  put 'em down on our southern border."
                                                                                   –€“ Tez Crud

"Donald Trump is not going to be the nominee of the Republican Party.  If he is, that's the end of the
 Republican Party. . . . Come to South Carolina, and I'll beat his brains out."

    – Senator Whiner Graham of South Carolina, where Strump is beating his brains out in the polls

OK,   we've figured it out.   Fox News' Megyn Kelly was not  menstruating,  as
Donald Strump suggested, but is merely ignorant: She has to be from Kentucky,
as indicated by the misspelling of her first name  (which suggests Butler Coun-
ty,  as the preferred misspelling in Edmonson County is "Magan").  Blame  her
parents  (or the nurse at the hospital or birth clinic).

Last year in which Pope Jorge Francis watched television:  1990.
                                                                                                                     – Harper's Index

Nyquil:  "Sleep is a beautiful thing."

Quotations of the Wheat: "The family I came from was so poor, we had to jack off the dog   to feed the cat." Leonard Simon

("Me'Shell NdegéOcello"), 47
                                        John McCain, 79
                                        Michael Jackson (1958-2009)
                    August 30:  Frank Edwin "Tug" McGraw Jr. (1944-2004)
                                            

Political looaklikes: Benjamin Franklin, Hillary Clinton

ISIS  (IS, ISIL)  prohibited pigeon breeding  (the breed-
ers are wasting  time  they could  be  praying,  and  the
birds have exposed genitals). . . .  Orthodox Jews hired
Mexicans to demonstrate against the Gay Pride Parade
in New York. . . .A Syrian archaeologist was beheaded
(deheaded?)  for refusing to help the Islamic State (IS-
IS? ISIL?) find antiquities to destroy in Palmyra. . . . I-
daho replaced a 420 mile marker with a 419.9, joining
Colorado and Washington in efforts to stop sign thefts
by potheads. . . . Batman was killed in a Batmobile ac-
cident in Maryland. . . . "Deez Nuts,"15, got 7 per cent
cent in the Public Policy Polling presidential poll in Io-
wa, his home state, 8 per cent in Minnesota, and 9 per
cent in North Carolina. . . .  Mayor Bill de Blasio con-
sidered eliminating  pedestrian  plazas  in New York's
Times  Square  to thwart topless panhandlers. .  .  .  A
construction crew worker  struck a match  to check a
gas line in a science lab  at a high school in NewYork
City  and blew it up  (he and two other workers were
severely injured). .  .  .  Banksy opened Dismaland in
England. . . .  Police detained a parrot for cussing out
an elderly woman in Rajura,  India. .  .  . Hamas cap-
tured a camera-bearing dolphin  believed to be an Is-
raeli spy. . . . Poop-flavored curry went on sale in To-
kyo. . . .  Judge Joe Brown is serving five days in jail
for contempt of court. . . .Rosie O'Donnell's daughter,
now 18, ran away again – with her real mother.

                                                [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Curt  Schilling,  the former Philadelphia Phillies and Boston
Red Sox  pitching  ace, was dismissed by ESPN from cover-
age of baseball's Little League World Series for  the  "tweet"
quoted in the quotation of the week, above. . . .

A little black boy from Bowling Green, Kentucky, stepped up
to the plate at the Little League World Series in Williamsport,
in central Pennsylvania, and hit the ball all the way to Ohio.

Eleven years ago my husband had a prostatectomy, and it
left him impotent.   His sex drive dropped from 100 to ze-
ro.     I have told him many times I don't care what he can
or can't do.   I've told him I married him in sickness and in
health.

This is the man I couldn't walk by for many years without
him all over me.   We made love two or three times a day.
I miss the man I married desperately.

I would never cheat on him,   but I don't know what to do.
Any time we are intimate,  it is always my idea,  never his.
I hope you can help.
                                                                 Lost in Michigan

Quit torturing the poor guy, dearie!  Give him a break!
Go  get  gratified!   There are "gentlemen's clubs" that
will fulfill needs such as yours,  and you don't have to
get "involved" with anyone there.

Or you could turn your need into a profitable sidelline. . . .

83 lbs Angie daying (Enquirer); ISIS plot to kill Prince William (Globe); Joan Rivers death mystery, did docs snap photos instead of trying to save dying star? (Examiner); Lorenzo Lamas: My wife gave birth to my grandson (Closer); Shocker, Keith Urban caught with sexy 21-year-old, parties on tour bus, Nicole flies to London with their kids (Star)

Transmission of Tabloid Headlines to everyone was blocked
last week, either by our own "server," Windstream.net, or by
our e-mail program,  Mozilla Thunderbird.  Subsequent tries
to send any e-mail to  anyone  brought the following pop-up
message:

An error occurred sending mail:    The mail server sent
an incorrect greeting: pacmmta56.windstream.net pac-
mmta56 Too many spammy recipients - try again later.

See?  They're blaming the victims!  You!  The recipients are
"spammy," not the sender!

A techie working on our e-mail blockage inadvertently sent  a
preliminary draft of this issue to some of you, if not all of you,
last Monday. . . .

Publius Leget wrote Sun 8/16/15 @21:29 CDT:

Saw the word "clitwit" in last week's issue.
Could you give us a definition, please?

See "Quotations of the Wheat," below.    – Editor


Len Zanger wrote Sun 8/16/15 @11:54 EDT, re last week's
"Roots and grafts" rant  about radio announcers substituting
the "short i" for the "short e":

I recall that my older relatives on my mother's side also
have/had this speech impediment.   These persons are/-
were farm folk in central Illinois, married into the fam-
ilies  of  my  German  immigrant  grandparents.     The
Krauts  in  the family  retained  their  foreign  ways  of
speech of course (my mother's first language was a low
dialect German),  but the Plains relations  spoke  in the
way  you  describe.  My mother's generation picked up
the native dialect  and became hillbillies.  I  recognized
this as  the  "Granny  Clampett"  inflection.  A regional
thing, I think.

We wrote back:  "Regional,"  fine and shmine.  Illinois  plains,  and
Hardin and Allen counties, Kentucky. But our question to you was,
where does the laziness of this speech impediment end  and  ignor-
ance begin?   Is Illinois your answer?

The German ancestors' capitulation is puzzling,  indeed.   German
has both short i's and short e's,  and  German  culture  seems to us
the antithesis of lazy.

And Len wrote again, Sun 8/16/15 @17:13 EDT:

Or,  could the laziness of this speech impediment be  an  indi-
cator of ignorance,  willful and otherwise?

My mother, her sister and brother, part of the first generation
of the family born in this country,  all  exhibited  this  speech
defect.  All were willfully ignorant,  my  uncle,  in particular.
I am convinced that he (and one of his sons) was Klan, given
his personal views  of  blacks / Negroes / African-Americans
(send 'em back to Africa  or shoot 'em on sight),  his  opinion
of Miranda laws  (stupid ignerint laws  by stupid Yankee city
folk),  and monthly all-night "lodge" meetings.  Claimed that
education past the sixth grade was a waste of time and effort
(and perhaps it was in his case),  and that a university educa-
tion was a complete waste. He was a deputy sheriff in Cham-
paign County, Illinois, for many years.

I have a feeling that this speech impediment  (and its accom-
panying indicators)  might be found concentrated in  a  large
swath  from the western half of Virginia down through Flori-
da,  running west through Texas. A survey at least is needed,
and likely many years of research.   [more]

This is our first indication that Illinois might be even dumber than Indiana.
We were brought up to believe that Illinois was smarter.  The most glaring
ignorance of speech we recall from our upbringing in  the  cornfields  (not
"plains") of eastern Indiana is the pronunciation of "creek":  "crick"  (not
merely a short i for a short e,  but a short i for a long e).   Not  even  Ken-
tuckians are that dumb.    – Editor


"Grammar Nazi" sign:

Grammatik Macht Frei

A Catholic priest  seen  walking  naked  through  a parochial
school in Hammond stepped down as pastor at two churches
(the only other person in the building was the school secreta-
ry, who told police she didn't know the priest was there). . . .

Gary went a whole week without a homicide.

                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Takeyah Young, 5'1", 155 lbs, assisting a criminal; Jonathan Vance, BM, 5'11", 165 lbs, failure to appear for domestic violence; Jessica Herbster, WF, 5'5", 285 lbs, probation violation for battery (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A priest resigned in Louisville after the FBI found  child  porn
on his computer, including 200 photos of children in his parish
school (and later was arrested, in Florida).

                                                         [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A substitute teacher in Owsley County pleaded guilty to receiv-
ing "sexts" from a 13-year-old girl.
                                                                          [courtesy WKYT]

Kentucky is now issuing "genderless"  marriage licenses  ("first
party," "second party,"  no  longer  "bride" and "groom" or "hus-
band" and "wife"), and some genealogists have a problem with
that  (you can't always tell by the name,  can you?  Alex, Angel,
Beverly, Connie, Darcy, Jordan, Leslie, Shirley, Taylor . . . ).

                                            [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

   

"You might notice that I'm not from England even though I speak English.  Yeah, I'm
  from Kentucky."
                                    – singer/songwriter Chris Knight

"We don't require senior citizens before they get Medicaid to be drug-tested, and we don't
 require executives in banks to be drug-tested before we bail out their bank system."

                                    – Kentucky ACLU director Michael Aldridge, suggesting that a proposal
                                       to drug-test welfare applicants might be unfairly discriminatory

"I mean, I don't want a reality TV star to be running my country.  I mean, I wouldn't
 vote for him."
                                – hot lady boxer Ronda Rousey

"Do you have a better term?  You give me a better term and I'll use it."

    – Jub Bush, snapping at a reporter who asked about his using the term "anchor babies"

Quotations of the Wheat: " 'Clitwit' (rhymes with 'nitwit'):  It's a euphemism for 'dumb    cunt'." Leonard Simon

Mir Mahboob Ali Khan, 6th Nizam of Hyderabad (1866-1911)
                                        
                    August 18

Nancy Ramsbottom, 53
                                        Jill St. John, 75
                                        Johnny Nash, 75
                                        Debra Paget, 82
                    August 20:   Ron Paul, 80
                    August 21:   Amy Fisher, 41
                    August 22:   Lewis "Scooter" Libby, 65
                                        Honor Blackman, 90
                    August 23:   Barbara Eden, 84
                                       

China shut down 50 internet sites and 360 "social media"
accounts for spreading rumors about the Tianjin disaster.
. . .Virginia Wesley University, defending a suit by a for-
mer co-ed for sexual assault,  demanded to know every-
one she ever had sex with. . . .  An 11-year-old girl gave
birth in Paraguay. . . . A 26-year-old woman got trapped
in a clothing donation box  in  Seattle,  Washington. . . .
Rosie O'Donnell's 17-year-old daughter, Chelsea, ran a-
way with her therapy dog, Bear.

                        [courtesy Harper's, Huffington Post,  AP]

Celebrity lookalikes: Chenoweth Allen, "art therapist," Louisville, Ky.; Heather Dodson, girl of questionable virtue, Angola

A courtroom sketch artist apologized for an unflattering
drawing of Tom Brady.

My husband and I have been happily married  for 24 years.
It is a second marriage for both of us.   I am  68,  and he is
71. We are still working. Fortunately, we enjoy our profes-
sions,  but  my  husband  will not be able to retire  because
his former wife receives alimony for the rest of her life.

A few years ago my husband underwent intensive treatment
including chemo, radiation and surgery for cancer.   It is not
curable; he returns for tests and treatment every few months.
He has fought bravely and with very little drama.   He is my
hero.

Lately, I've noticed some personality changes that make so-
cializing  difficult.    He has always liked to talk about him-
self but he's started to monopolize conversations. Last night
he  held the conversation  throughout  dinner  with  exploits
from 50 years ago. The other guests looked miserable, and I
felt unable to change the conversation. He recently interrup-
ted  a  conversation  to  tell  a  story  about  his  high  school.
Friends waited patiently before returning to their topic.   I've
also  noticed  memory  lapses,  and I worry that it will affect
his job.   One of his colleagues has  commented  on  his  for-
getfulness.

I hesitate to discuss this with him because I don't want to un-
dermine his self-assurance at work. Depression is a possibil-
ity,  but he shows no signs of sadness or lethargy.   What  do
you  suggest?
                                                                   Trouble in Paradise

Bea Arthur, Betty White, Estelle Getty, Rue McClanahan, Secrets of the Golden Girls, they hated each other, who posed nude (Examiner); Lion killer is world's most hated man (Globe); Pope Francis remakes the Vatican (National Geographic); Poll: 89% believe Obama has failed to bring America closer to celestial utopia of endless pleasure

ea Arthur, Betty White, Estelle Getty, Rue McClanahan, Secrets of the Golden Girls, they hated each other, who posed nude (Examiner); Lion killer is world's most hated man (Globe); Pope Francis remakes the Vatican (National Geographic); Poll: 89% believe Obama has failed to bring America closer to celestial utopia of endless pleasure

While those in the Appalachian speech project contend  that  the
speech  idiosyncrasies  of   eastern Kentucky, eastern Tennessee,
West Virginia, western Virginia, northeast Georgia and the west-
ern part of the Carolinas constitute a mere dialect, worthy of the
same respect as British and Boston speech,  we at Tabloid Head-
lines  are  not  so  sure.  It seems to us that there is a certain lazi-
ness  in saying "mayam"  for "ma'am"  and  "y'all"  for "you all"
("all," in either spelling, is superfluous;  and adding an unneces-
sary word is the opposite of laziness – it's simply ignorant).

Two announcers at our local public radio station,  WKYU-FM in
Bowling Green, Ky. – Kevin Willis, the news director,  and  Lisa
Autry, a reporter – have what we find to be an even stranger hab-
it of speech:   Both substitute a short i (as in "it")  for the short  e
(as in "met") – e.g., speaking of "the Sintral time zone," "the min-
nie votes held by the Dimocratic majority in the  Jinneral  Assim-
bly," "Sinnator" Rand Paul, "the Sinnit,"  "Tinnissee," "Kintucky,"
"kimmistry,"  "the  gasoline  injun,"  "the  steam  injun"  and other
forms of  "innergy,"  a "jinnerous spirit,"  and "an ixtinsive period
of time,"  like "tin years ago,"  "ag'in and ag'in,"  or "ivvery day."

Willis is from Hardin County,  in  central  Kentucky,  not Appala-
chia;  Autry, from Allen County,  in south central Kentucky.   We
don't know where they got it.  Although there are traces of Appa-
lachian speech in central Kentucky  (some say "hit" for "it"),  the
short i for short e is not typical of this area.  But it sounds lazy. It
takes a little more energy to make a short e sound  than it does  to
make a short  i – it takes a slight lifting of the tongue to  say  "eh"
over  "it."   Try  it.

These two announcers are not incapable of pronouncing a short e,
however.  Autry says "reddio" for  "radio,"  and that's even lazier:
A long a is a  diphthong  composed of a short  e  followed rapidly
by a  long  e.   Guess she just can't spare the time  for  two  vowel
sounds where she thinks one will do.  And Willis pronounces "re-
nege" "reneg" – nearly everyone else says  "renig";  and that's the
pronunciation preferred by the dictionary – but maybe it's no lon-
ger "politically correct"  (surely you've heard the joke:  "What do
they call a substitution in basketball?").

The two announcers do not share their pronunciations of "radio"
and "renege,"  but both do make an unnecessary diphthong  (the
opposite of lazy) out of the long o, saying "eh-oh" for "oh" – e.g.,
"The veh-otes have been counted," "Today's highs are ixpicted to
be in the 90's, leh-ows in the 60's, while rain is ixpicted in Eh-ow-
ensboro  (but is not ixpicted to  peh-ose  any threat of flooding)."
Autry has a third laziness,  substituting a d for a t  (the d is easier
on the tongue; try it):  For "important" she says "impordent."  So,
here's the question for our dialectical linguistics expert, Len Zan-
ger:  Where does laziness end and ignorance begin?  Minnesota?

An 11-month-old girl was killed and another girl, 3, and a boy,
2,  were injured in an  Amish buggy  struck by a car in Topeka,
LaGrange County. . . .

Fayette County joined Scott and Madison counties in state-ap-
proved needle exchange programs. . . .

A 15-year-old boy wearing ear buds was killed by a freight train
in Evansville.
                                                       [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's (Berrien County, Mich.) most wanted: Bryant Johnson, BM, murder; Nicole Deshawn Carouthers, BF, domestic violence (3rd offense); Marqwan Beserra, BM, 18, murder (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Tennessee added another Kentuckian to its "10 Most Wanted"
list.
                                        [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]



A man was injured in the maiden flight of an airplane  built
from a kit in Madison County, Kentucky, as others survived
crashes of planes made from kits in Hernando County, Flor-
ida, Oconee County, South Carolina, Vilas County, Wiscon-
sin, Blodgett Lake, Alaska, and South Otago, New Zealand.
Others  were  not so lucky in the crashes of kit-made planes
in  Kenosha County,  Wisconsin  (killing two Kentuckians),
and Waterford County, Ireland.
                                                         [courtesy Google News]

A woman was accused of pawning $1,300 worth of Blu-ray
disks borrowed from the Madison County public library. . . .

A sinkhole stopped traffic in downtown Frankfort,  the state
capital.
                                                                    [courtesy WTVQ]

A judge ordered the Rowan County Clerk to do her job (and
she continued to refuse to).
                                                        [courtesy WXVU, WKYU]

" 'Asparagus water' sounds like another name for pee."
                                                                                               €“ – Sylvia Killingsworth, on Twitter

"The Suez Canal Authority says the number of ships are expected to double."

                                                    – Jackie Northam, National Public Radio  (more roots and grafts:
                                                       is expected to double  –  "a number are";  "the number is")

"We will do it anyways!"
                                                – Kentucky Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes

Roots and grafts: Grammar Police: To correct and serve. Hard to believe they got this backward. Shouldn't it be 'servce and correct'?

(Grammar Nazi insignia will appear
  in next week's issue.)

"The reason America is a great country is because passion is in the law."
                                                                                                                            – Rick Sanctimonium

" . . . all the way back to Ronald Raven."
                                                                        – Reek Berry

Quotations of the Wheat: "I don't have a monkey on my back; I'm on the monkey's back." € Leonard Simon

Desert Storm lookalikes: Ugla Abid Saqr Al-Kubaysi, Ba'th Party Regional Chairman for Maysan Governorate; Barack Obama

:  Kylie Jenner, 18
                                        Rocky Colavito, 82
                                        Rhonda Fleming, 92
                                        Leo Fender (1909-1991), "rocker"
                    August 11:  Terry Bollea ("Hulk Hogan"), 62
                                        Arlene Dahl, 90 (or 87)
                    August 13:  Dave "Baby" Cortez, 77
                                        Jim "Mudcat" Grant, 80
                                        Fidel Castro, 89
                                       

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Tiffany Cross, WF, 28, 5'4", 130 lbs, forgery; Antonio Escovedo, HM, 50, 6'1", 240 lbs, unauthorized absence from a correctional facility; Ann Hudson, WF, 37, 5'4", 150 lbs, meth & firewater (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

"We-Consent" records students agreeing to sex.  A breathy
female voice with a British accent asks the user to "say the
name of the person with whom you would like to have sex-
ual relations."  Then the app announces to the other person
that so-&-so "would like to have sexual relations with you"
and asks for consent.   If both agree,  the app ends with the
sultry female announcing "Have fun!"

A state representative in Michigan sent e-mail to his po-
litical supporters claiming he  had  been  caught  with  a
male prostitute  in an effort to draw attention away from
reports he was having an affair with a female  state  rep-
resentative. . . . Donald Sterling got a divorce. .  .  . Ker-
mit the Frog and Miss Piggy  broke   up  (more  Sesame
Street news below, in the sports section). . . . A shirtless
man on meth, yelling "I am Tarzan," covered himself in
mud  and swang from trees at the monkey exhibit at the
Santa Ana Zoo in California. . . . A drone dropped hero-
in,  marijuana  and  tobacco  into a prison yard in Mans-
field,  Ohio. . . . Two black women from North Carolina
known as the "Stump for Trump Girls" diss Megyn Kel-
ly in a video. . . . A  cable  snapped  on the "Sling Shot"
ride at the Cap d'Agde theme park in France,  throwing
riders into the air (one suffered a broken leg). . . . Miss
Pennsylvania U.S. International was arrested  (and de-
throned) for faking leukemia to get donations.

                                [courtesy Harper's, Raw Story, AP]

Come September, new episodes of Sesame Street will no longer
be broadcast on live TV,  but only on HBO.  PBS will still show
reruns, including reruns of new episodes shown on HBO.

How do I tell my neighbors that it's annoying and frustra-
ting  to  listen  to their teen-age daughters  shrieking  and
screaming as they're having fun outside?

I want to go out and play with my dog, but I can't because
these girls are behaving like 5-year-olds,  screaming  their
heads off.   There are things I need to do outside,  but  the
noise makes it impossible.   And it's horrible to hear it in-
side as well.

The mother says she doesn't like to interfere with the girls
when they're having a good time.   Well,  they may be en-
joying themselves; but the rest of the neighborhood is not.
People are just too polite to say anything.

I don't want to be offensive or rude  or hurt my neighbors'
feelings.  These parents and girls are sweet, good-hearted
people;   but it seems that the discipline and consideration
for others is simply not there. I don't want the girls to stop
having fun; I'd just like them to keep other people in mind.
But trying to tell someone else how to discipline their kids
is a very delicate subject.

This has been going on since the weather has warmed up.
I can't even entertain  outside  because  of  the  shrieking.
Please help.
                                                             Frustrated Neighbor

Blake's 'other woman' tells all, 'their marriage is over" (In Touch); Miranda cheated with five men, slept with Blake's best friend, destroyed two men's marriages, used Blake as a punching bag (Star); FBI nails Hulk Hogan on racist rants (Enquirer, and, Mr. Porterfield, do we have a treat for you, we bought this issue of the Enquierer, and we are reprinting a portion of the FBI transcripts below - we believe we can do this without copyright violation, since, from the FBI, it has to be "public domain"); New autopsy bombshell, Elvis didn't have to die! he refused life-saving surgery, what really killed him (Globe); Fingerprint nails Bobbi Kristina's killer (Enquirer)

"My daughter Brooke jumped sides on me. I spent two to three million dollars
 on her music career. . . . Some black millionaire guy.  I don't know if Brooke
 was fucking the black guy's son. . . .  I don't have double standards.  I mean,
 I am a racist,  to  a  point,  fucking  niggers.  But then when it comes to nice
 people and shit, . . . I'd rather if she was going to fuck some nigger, I'd rath-
 er have her marry an 8-foot-tall nigger worth a hundred million dollars. . . .
 fucking nigger.  He had Jamie Foxx coming in on the 22nd track. . . . "

        [courtesy National Enquirer, August 10, 2015, $5.38 including tax – whom
                    else do you know who gets a tax deduction for buying the Enquirer?]

Len wrote Sun 8/2/15 @08:48 EDT:

"Possession of analoques"?   How exactly is that a crime?
And what the heck is an "analoque"?  Is that some sort of
newfangled deadly weapon?

Sorry, sir, that was a "printo" (cousin of a "typo"): "Analogues,"
not "analoques."  The tail of the "g" got cut off  in  the  process
(it's been corrected since you wrote). This font has a different g,
but the font of  the caption – Arial Narrow – has this kind of  g:
g  (readers who allow their browsers and e-mail readers  to  se-
lect the fonts may not know what we're saying here; so let's try
a graphic:).   

Times New Roman: g; Arial Narrow: g

As for the questions,  it  beats  us.  The OneLook Dictionary on
line lists 63 dictionaries with definitions  of  "analog,"  only  37
with  "analogue";  but it appears to be the same thing.  Our  "go
to" dictionary (Random House College Dictionary, 1984)  says,
at "analog," "see analogue,"  which is defined as "1. something
having analogy to something else,  2. Biol. an organ or part an-
alogous to another."

As for the offense?  Maybe analogues  are  simply  "politically
incorrect"  these  days.   For example:  At her mother's college
graduation ceremony a few years ago,  8-year-old Evvy  asked
me what time it was.  I pulled out my (analogue) pocket watch
and informed her that it was 20 till 8.  "Natty!"  she exclaimed,
staring at my timekeeper, "That is so 10 years ago!"

But for more,  we have found a Michigan drug crime web site
that lists an "analogue" as some kind of illicit counterfeit drug.
Guess it's worthy of note,  since  the  perp in last Sunday's pit-
ture is from Berrien County, Michigan.
                                                                                      – Editor


Amy Cox wrote Sun 8/2/15 @16:39 CDT:

I googled my name  and it showed my mug shot  but I have
since then got the charge removed so I don't know why my
picture is on your website. I need to know how to go about
getting it removed. Thank you!

Workers dangling from a crane examined the Decatur County
Courthouse in Greensburg ("Tree City") and the tree growing
from the courthouse steeple.
                                               [courtesy Greensburg Daily News]

The Rowan County Clerk sued Governor Stevie  for  violating
her religious rights by calling on all county clerks to issue gay
marriage licenses  (ignoring,  or  ignorant  of,  the fact that the
Governor has no direct authority over a County Clerk). . . .

Despite calls for its removal by both Senators Mitch McConnell
and Rand Paul,  Governor Stevie,  and both gubernatorial candi-
dates,  the  all-white  Historic Properties Advisory Commission
voted 7-2 to keep a statue of Jefferson Davis in the state Capitol
rotunda, in light of its own poll showing that 60 per cent of Ken-
tucky's people approved of it and a newspaper poll showing that
73 per cent approved of it (although Davis, the Confederate Pres-
ident, was from Kentucky, Kentucky was not part of the Confed-
eracy).
                                                                                [courtesy ABC]

A man was arrested in Bullitt County for shooting down a drone
flying over his home and that of a neighbor,  whose  16-year-old
daughter was lying out at a swimming pool.
                                                                            [courtesy WDRB]

A London, Ky., truck driver who failed to slow down in a con-
struction zone on I-75 in Chattanooga,  Tennessee,  causing  a
chain reaction crash that killed six people, was put on Tennes-
see's "10 Most Wanted" list.
                                                                         [courtesy LEX18]
  

Lexington's most wanted: James Gore, WM, 53, 5'7", 145 lbs; Tiara Wade, W (sic), sex undetermined, 5'9", 160 lbs (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)

         

Huckleberry Finn was arrested for sexual assault in Keene, New Hampshire (AP, CBS)

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Lisa Castillo, HF, 29, 5'2", 115 lbs, injury to child; Shakoya Christian, BF, 27, 5'3", 130 lbs, home burglary; Amanda Kerstell, WF, 31, 5'2", 120 lbs, meth and firewater (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

"If America is so blessed, why did God put all our oil under people who hate us?"
                                                                                                                                       €“ – John Stewart

"This is my father, and he's a woman."
                                                                        – female character on TV show Transparent

"Look at all this outrage over a dead lion, but where is the outrage over the Planned
  Parenthood dead babies?'
                                                    – Marco Rubicube

"There is no such thing as a politically correct war."
                                                                                         – Ben Casey

"The debate is between me and people who want to blow up the world."
                                                                                                                               – Rant Pol

Quotations of the Wheat: "Of course I'm concerned about identify theft.  Everybody wants to be   the Wheat!"  €“ Leonard Simon

Desert Storm lookalikes: Taha Yasin Ramadan Al-Jizrawi, vice president / RCC member; Saddam Hussein

:    Martin Sheen, 75
                                        Tony Bennett, 89
                    August 4:    Barack Obama, 54
                                        Mary Decker Slaney, 57
                    August 5:    Loni Anderson, 70
                                        Wendell Berry, 81
                    August 6:    Soleil Moon Frye, 39
                                       

An Orthodox Jew stabbed six people at a  gay  pride  pa-
rade in Jerusalem, killing a 16-year-old girl,  one month
after serving 10 years in prison for stabbing three people
at the 2005 gay pride parade.  . . .  A  hundred  thousand
people in France signed a petition to reopen a nude beach
on the Riviera closed for a visit by the king of Saudi Ara-
bia. . . .  A Saudi farmer named Mohammed  (Mohamed?
Muhammad? Mohamet?  Mahmout?) said he was offered
$400,000 for a  sheep  born  with  the  name  Muhammad
(Mohammed? Mohamed? Mohamet?  Mahmout?) imprin-
ted on its side (in Arabic). . . . Worms were coming out of
the faucets  in  Old River-Winfree,  Texas. . . . A man was
shot in the face by a bullet he fired that ricocheted  off  an
armadillo  in  Cass  County,  Texas;  and a man in Georgia
shot his mother-in-law by armadillo. . . . The Taiwan pan-
da Yuan Yuan was accused of faking pregnancy for good-
ies and air conditioning.  . . .  A  black  truck  driver  who
spent nothing on his campaign  and didn't even vote  won
the Democratic nomination for governor of Mississippi.

                                                        [courtesy Harper's, AP]

I have started dating a man, "Winston," who makes me
feel incredible.  We have crazy chemistry, and our per-
sonalities work perfectly together.  Here's the problem:
Winston  is  a  recovering  heroin  addict  with horrible
credit and two felony charges related to stealing money
from his parents when he was desperate for drugs.

I know you're thinking I am an  idiot  to date him.  But
Winston and I have had heartfelt talks, and he revealed
a troubled upbringing that helped me understand where
his addiction originated.  He's in a rehab program to try
to get his life together.

All I've ever wanted is someone who will give me "but-
terflies" for the rest of my life,  and  Winston  might  be
the guy.  He  is  loving,  attentive  and  affectionate.  He
treats me like a princess.  I understand that his past will
cause financial strain.   Isn't it more important to have a
man who treats me right  than  one with a lot of earning
potential?  Please give me advice.

                                              Dream Come True in Jersey

Obama's Cosby cover-up, what President knew of sex attacks, refuses to take back Bill's Medal of Freedom (Globe); Trump is right! McCain is not a war hero! (Globe); Why America needs the Donald in the White House (a Globe editorial); 8-year-old boy out of coma describes Heaven and 6-figure book deal offer (Onion); America's most unique family, Mom's a man, Dad's a woman, transgender kids haven't been told yet (Enquirer)

Jay Cory wrote Mon 7/27/15 @08:42 EDT:

You hit one of my  pet  peeves  in last week's report  about
the Stars & Bars at the Kentucky State Capitol.  I'm betting
the flags they were carrying were not the "Stars and Bars"
(on the left in the illustrations below), which was the orig-
inal Confederate flag,  but a rectangular version of the flag
adopted in 1863  (middle, below) – the infantry battle flag
was square;  the rectangular version was naval.  And there
was a third (right, below), which almost no one these days
would recognize flown anywhere.

Dave Surtees wrote Mon 7/27/15 @11:33 PDT:

I've been trying to make friends outside of Clutterbook
Facebook while applying the principles of Clutterbook
Facebook.  Every  day  I tell people on the street  what
I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night be-
fore, and what I will do tomorrow.  Then  I  give  them
pictures of my family and of my dog and me gardening
and spending time in the pool.

It works!  I already have three followers!  Two police-
men and a psychiatrist!

A woman watched a 20-minute safety video required for
new customers  at  a  shooting  range  in Lafayette,  then
rented a handgun and shot herself in the head and died. . . .

A woman who filled her house with gas in a suicide attempt
in Granger was charged with arson (her daughter, her daugh-
ter's boy friend and a policeman were injured). . . .

Seven persons were rescued from an overloaded boat that
sank in Lake Wawasee,  and  eight  persons  were rescued
from a stalled "Skyline" ride at the Indianapolis Zoo  that
left them in a cart 30 feet in the air for two hours. . . .

The driver of a church bus from Gary that overturned on I-
70 near Greenfield, killing a 6-year-old boy,  was  charged
with reckless homicide. . . .

An orthopedic surgeon serving home incarceration in Peru
(Indiana)  for stalking his ex-wife  was  found  in  Arizona
(Arizona)  with his tracking bracelet removed. . . .

The wild black bear stalking northern Indiana made a short
trip home to  Michigan  but returned to a wooded area near
Michigan City, Indiana. . . .

A man "texting" on a motorcycle crashed and died on I-65
south of Frankfort.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Jennifer Hall, WF, 5'5", 110 lbs, theft, violation of court order; Berrien County, Michigan's: Misty Ann Krogel, WF, larceny in a building, possession of analogues (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

More than a dozen persons, mostly children, were injured
when a swing ride known as the JitterBug toppled over at
the Beech Bend amusement park in Bowling Green.

                     [courtesy Park City Daily News, WBKO-TV]

The police department of Somerset, pop. 11,000 in south
central Kentucky, was authorized by the Federal Aviation
Administration to use drones.
                                                                 [courtesy LEX18]

A snake handler died after being bitten in a service at the
Mossy Simpson Pentecostal Church  in  Jenson,   in  Bell
County.
                                                                 [courtesy WKYT]

A state social worker in Boone County was suspended for
investigating a child abuse case  that  had already been in-
vestigated and closed by  another  social  worker,  and the
first social worker was suspended for closing the case.

                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The iconic white plank fences at the Kentucky Horse Park
in Lexington were being painted black to save money.

                                                   [courtesy the Lane Report]

A federal judge in California dismissed a class action suit
against the maker of Maker's Mark bourbon for deceptive
advertising for the "handmade" on its label,  ruling  that a
reasonable customer would  not  believe  it  (the plaintiffs
said it made them opt against a less expensive whisky).

                                                                  [courtesy WHAS]

Lexington's most wanted: Brandi Proulxr, WF, 36, 5'5", 135 lbs; Michael Gould, WM, 33, 5'8", 150 lbs; Danny Maddix, sex undetermined, 48, 5'10", 208 lbs; Casey Wagner, sex undetermined, 32, 5'1", 105 lbs (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

"My sense is that glee at information that spills out on the Internet has given way to a greater
  concern for personal privacy."
                                                         – Nick Denton, founder and chief executive of Gawker.com

"I will light you up."
                                        – Texas state trooper Brian Encinia, to Sandra Bland

"Good morning, American pilots; we are here to greet you on your 4th of July Independence Day."

     – radio message from 4 Russian nuclear bombers intercepted 40 miles off the coast of California

" . . . and can take the reams of data that's generated . . . ."

                             – Andrew Chamberlain, economist (the word "data" is plural; "reams" is plur-
                                al; where does this Ph.D. get off using a singular verb for a plural subject?)

"They want to destroy us, and we have two choices.  We can sit here, ignore them, bomb the
  desert and think that we’re doing something;  or we can destroy them first.   And  I  choose
  the latter."
                              – Dr. Parson

"They are religious Nazis. . . . Go after these bastards and kill every one of them. . . . Sorry for
  the bad word."
                                    – Whiner Graham

"Prosecute Planned Parenthood."
                                                               – Penelope's Brother

One of 15 things that look like Donald Trump

"Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on the weekend."
                                                                                                                      – Woody Allen

Quotations of the Wheat: "I'm not mental.  I know that drinking doesn't solve my problems.  Passing out does."  €“ Leonard Simon

Desert Storm lookalikes: Keith Durbin, Uday Saddam Husayn, National Assembly Member, Olympic Chairman, Saddam Feyadeen Chief

Birthdays:
                    July 27
                        Alex Rodriguez, 40
                        Norman Lear, 93
                    July 28:  Vida Blue, 66
                    July 29
                        Mussolini (1883-1945)
                       

                        

Anthony Hervey, author of Why I Wave the Confeder-
ate Flag, Written by a Black Man, was killed in a har-
assment traffic accident in Mississippi returning from
a flag rally in Birmingham,  Alabama. . . .  An ex-cop
who performs in  blackface  was not allowed to enter-
tain at a fund-raiser for the  six  Baltimore  policemen
charged in the death  of  Freddie  Gray.  . . . The Elec-
tronic Sporting League was cracking down on perfor-
mance-enhancing drugs. . . .The Islamic State ("ISIS,"
"ISIL") was strapping remote-controlled explosives to
chickens in Iraq. . . . A British company was attaching
body cameras to African rhinoceroses  to deter poach-
ing. . . . Microsoft joined Google in an attempt to sup-
press  revenge  porn.  . . . Walls in San Francisco were
coated with urine-repellent paint  to  make  piss  spray
back  onto  the  shoes and pants of public pissers.  . . .
The Kurds and the Turks were strafing ISIS (IS, ISIL),
and the Turks were strafing  the  Kurds  ("Italians hate
Yugoslavs, South Africans hate the Dutch,  and I don't
like anybody very much"). . . .Joni Mitchell refused to
allow Taylor Swift to play Joni Mitchell  in a movie a-
bout Joni Mitchell.

                      [courtesy Harper's, Huffington Post, AP]
   

National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell  up-
held  New England Patriots quarterback  Tom  Brady's  four-
game suspension for his role in using deflated balls  in the A-
merican Conference championship game in January after fin-
ding that Brady destroyed his cell phone at a critical point  in
the investigation (but the game was not ordered forfeited; the
Patriots remain this year's Super Bowl champions, and Brady
remains Super Bowl MVP). . . .

ESPN hottie Kate Fagan, columnist and commentator was lesbian star on University of Colorado basketball team led by born-again Christians

I made contact with my birth mother  several years ago,
but we are not close.  Recently I found out from my sis-
ter that my birth mother has been reposting photographs
of my children from other friends' pages.  I have set pri-
vacy guidelines  for posting photos of my children,  and
she has totally disregarded them.

I have tried to be civil with this woman,  who  blatantly
doesn't care whom she hurts.  I  understand  that I can't
make my friends and relatives remove photos,  but  am
I  wrong  to be so guarded about who and how pictures
of my children can be shared  on  social  media?  Mind
you,  this woman is not part of my life and has no right
to me or my children.
                                                             Outraged Mother