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I'd forgotten how long it was since I did part 3 of the deconstruction. Anyway, I do have a rant but it's not exactly ready. Let's just say that this time the MTA is on my shit list. Why you ask? I'll put it on the old website when it's ready. [Archivist note: The rant in question had been posted. It is now available at the Rants Archive.] Until then on to the "show."
Jose Chung's From Outer Space: The Tale of the Hopeless Sap
Abbreviations to date: Roky : ROK
Harold Lamb: Hsap
Jose Chung (The lech): JC
Scully: S
Chrissy the annoying twit: AT
Irate Father: IF
Mulder: M
Hypnotist (AKA scary looking quack): SLQ
Detective "bleepin'" Manners (AKA Man1):
DetM
Number of times a question is answered with "How the hell
should I know?": 2
Number of spaceships making an appearance: 2
Number of times Jose Chung grossed me out: 3
Number of (gratuitous?) Krycek mentions: 1
Number of times Mulder calls Scully by her last name:
1
Number of times Scully calls Mulder by his last name: 1
Detective Manners' Filth-o-meter: number of expletives bleeped or blanked: 4
Unknown Location
Hsap sits in a small cell. Screams echo throughout the room, which is so long it seems to have no end, covered with small jail cells. He grabs the bars and pulls away in pain, gasping. Over the room, other bars spark. He looks down at AT, who is sleeping in the cell with him. (Well not sleeping with him. You know what I mean.)
Hsap: Chrissy! Chrissy! [He looks over at the gray alien in the next cell.] What do you want with us?
The alien looks at him without speaking.
Hsap: [repeating himself] What do you want with us?!
Cut to the interrogation room.
M: How did the alien respond?
S looks as though she wishes she were someplace else.
Hsap: Well… all he did was…
Back to flashback
The alien says nothing merely raising a cigarette to his mouth and taking a drag. AT wakes and looks at the Cigarette Smoking Alien. (CSA)
AT: What…what's happening?
Hsap: Don't worry, it'll be okay. I'm here to protect you. I'll never let anything happen to you. <ROTFLMBAO! You're there to do what? You're going to protect who? Please! You couldn't protect anything if you hid it in your rather empty head. I'd rather take my chances with Spender! Oops Spender isn't around yet. Okay, protection by Hsap? Puh-shaw! I'd sooner trust Krycek.>
The roof of the cell slides open and a bright light shines down. The behemoth roars and she screams as she is pulled from the cage. While AT is being grabbed Hsap, being the hero that he is curls up in the corner into a little ball. <My hero! ROTFLMBAO!> The door slides into place. AT's screams drift off.
Cut to the interrogation room.
M: What was the other alien, the gray, what was it doing during all this?
S approaches the table.
Hsap: He was just… talking.
M: Telepathically?
Hsap: No. In English. <I guess I'll have to change his name to SHsap for Stupid hopeless sap. Hello?! Telepathically isn't a bleepin' language it's a method. Sheesh> He just kept saying the same thing over and over again.
Cut to the CSA rocking back and forth with his head in his hands.
CSA: This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening…
Hsap: Would you shut up already? <Well, it appears that Hsap Does have a backbone.> [The roof to Hsap's cell slide open again and he is pulled out as the behemoth roars.] No! No!
The doors slam shut.
CSA: This is not happening. This is not happening.
Back to the interrogation room.
Hsap: I don't know where I was taken, because the whole time I was like this, in pain. [He shows how he held up his arms.]
M: Because the other alien was conducting torturous experiments on you? <Do you realize you're leading the witless -er I mean witness M?>
Hsap: No… no, it was like… you know, you know when you were a kid and you tore the legs off a bug for no reason? <Offhand I'd have to say no.> I guess I was the bug. Anyways, the next thing I remember, I was suddenly outside… like I was flying through the air or something.
M: Then what?
Hsap: And then I think I hit the ground. When I came to, I, I immediately ran to Chrissy's to make sure she was there and that she was okay.
S: [impatiently] Harold… did you and Chrissy engage in consensual sexual intercourse that night? <Leave it to S to cut to the chase.>
Hsap: Well obviously. The only people in this universe who aren't having sex are you and your partner. What's taking you so damn long anyway?
Okay, that was a cheap shot. This is what really happened:
Hsap looks away. When he answers he can barely raise his eyes to S.
Hsap: If her father finds out, I'm a dead man.
Apparently Hsap was sent back to the holding cell or whatever. M and S remain in the interrogation room. They sit on opposite sides of the table where they were interrogating Hsap.
M: He said it happened before the abduction. So what if they had sex?
S: So we know that it wasn't an alien who probed her. Mulder, you've got two kids having sex before they're mature enough to know how to handle it.
M: So you're saying that all this is just a case of sexual trauma? <Of course she is. How long have you two been partners now?>
S: It's a lot more plausible than an alien abduction, especially in light of their contradictory stories.
DetM barges in. <I love this character.>
DetM: Hey! I just got a call from some crazy bleep-head saying he was an eyewitness to this alien abduction. Do you feel like talking to this blank-hole?
LOL I just love Detective Manners. (Yeah, yeah, I know I'm repeating myself) But I do.
M must be having the (non-porn related) time of his life what with those potential aliens to chase and all. S looks aggravated at what seems to be a simple rape case and thus a complete waste of time X-File-wise. Poor S, constantly being dragged around the country by a crazy partner while he searches for aliens, constantly having her theories shot down, not to mention other indignities that come with being M's partner. He clearly doesn't deserve her.
Winner of the "I'm a bigger punk than Mulder" award is: Hsap. I'll protect you. Yeah right. That's why his punk ass was cowered in the corner while the woman he is trying to impress or whatever is taken away. Oh yeah! That brilliant move will have AT just swooning at your feet. <snicker>
Not for nothing but I find both of these alien abduction stories to be equally unbelievable. I don't know how M decides which ridiculous story is more believable than the other.
On the other hand I don't find the sexual trauma thing to be so plausible either.
Of course, both players are so feeble-minded maybe it is. <shrug>
As you can see I am of a firm mind on this one. <VBEG>
I don't know why this Anne Rice thing has been creeping into this deconstruction. <shrug> Oh well.
Until next time…
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