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Boy it's been a while. On Monday night/Tuesday morning I disconnected Data so that my uncle could pick him up to have a new processor put in. I didn't get him back until yesterday. I'm still doing some major tweaking because I reformatted the hard drive and am still making sure I don't dump any of my stuff. Anyway I'm back and the computer is definitely faster. I can play my X-Files theme upon opening. Yay!
Now for an impromptu rant. I don't want to sound heartless, but I think that things are getting completely out of hand. I understand that JFK Jr. died and all. (Well presumably as only plane parts have been found.) I understand that people in this country are obsessed with the Kennedy family. (An obsession I admit I do not share.) but I don't think it's necessary to interrupt programming multiple times, and suck up the precious little time set aside for discussion of serious political events have to constantly pretend to update us on the events of the search. I have a life. Well I would if it weren't so damn hot that I've retreated to the comfort of my basement apartment where I have air conditioning. Anyway and there are a lot of things that are more important than the death of yet another Kennedy. This has gotten completely out of hand. The blasted reporters don't even have any hard facts to report and yet they interrupt programming. Now I don't want to tell reporters how to do their job. I'm sure they had to do some work to earn their degrees in journalism and their positions. However, I do have a little pointer for you. Interrupting programming to in essence say that you don't know anything and will keep us pointed when you learn something is annoying. Plus it is not news. If one were to go in front of a camera and say:
"The owners of the ICU Electronics store expressed relief today upon the arrest of a young woman who apparently went on a rampage for no apparent reason. The woman, who has not yet been identified, entered the store at approximately 10:13 am and when asked by a sales clerk if she wanted help, accused the man of being a tool of the cigarette smoking man and proceeded to destroy the merchandise. Witnesses at the scene claim that while breaking television sets she was heard yelling 'It's not news! It's not news!'"
I would be inclined to accept this as news. However, saying: "We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important update. For those of you just turning in, and have no access to either the internet, television, or radio, wreckage from the plane of JFK Jr. was found earlier this morning. There is still no trace of the bodies of JFK Jr., his wife, and his sister-in-law. There has been nothing new to report in the last hour. We will let you know what we find out in our next report scheduled in 15 minutes. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming."
That is not news. It is at best a slightly glorified gossip column. At worst, an annoyance for those of us who don't need our programming interrupted every fifteen minutes to be told nothing. Considering the number of people who died of hunger, disease, and as a result of some kind of abuse shouldn't these reporters really be ashamed of themselves for being so hysterical over one person, despite his parentage? Or is this just fodder until some really horrific shooting takes place. I wonder sometimes about the media. There are people living in truly horrific conditions, there are people who are slaughtered on the streets (some even by the police themselves) and this is what the media focuses in on. Like all the other suffering is nothing more than something to yawn at. This is the Princess Diana thing all over again. And I have just gotten over the irritation I felt because of over-hype of her death. (I still can't believe that Mother Theresa's death was shadowed by Princess Di's. Unbleepinbelievable!)
I swear if I have to hear one more so called "news" item about the Kennedy family I'm going to start taking hostages.
Well enough about the idiocy of the media, on to the show!
Jose Chung's From Outer Space: Dead Alien Body: Truth or Humbug.
Abbreviations to date: Roky : ROK
Harold Lamb: Hsap
Jose Chung (The lech): JC
Scully: S
Chrissy the annoying twit: AT
Irate Father: IF
Mulder: M
Hypnotist (AKA scary looking quack): SLQ
Detective "bleepin'" Manners (AKA Man1):
DetM
Cigarette Smoking Alien: CSA
Man in Black 1: MIB1
Man in Black 2: MIB2
Dr. Bulldog: DBD
Military Man 1: MM1
Military Man 2: MM2
Military Man 3: MM3
Number of times a question is answered with "How the hell
should I know?": 2
Number of spaceships making an appearance: 2
Number of times Jose Chung grossed me out: 3
Number of (gratuitous?) Krycek mentions: 2
Number of times Mulder calls Scully by her last name:
1
Number of times Scully calls Mulder by his last name:
4
Number of death threats issued or alleged to have been issued:
2
Detective Manners' Filth-o-meter: number of expletives bleeped or blanked: 7
Blaine Faulkner's house
Blaine is sitting on his bed. Or more aptly, a mattress on the floor. <God his place is a bigger dump than M's.> He's a nerdy looking guy with glasses and a shaved head. He's wearing a T-shirt that says "Space Above and Beyond." JC is sitting at the desk. An alien model can be seen on the desk. On the wall is a poster similar to M's "I Want To Believe" poster with the words. The words can't be read because JC's big head is blocking the view.
Blaine Faulkner (BF): I know how crazy this is going to sound, but… I want to be abducted by aliens.
JC: Why? Whatever for? <My guess? So he won't have to suffer the indignities entailed in being the ugliest person in a room.>
BF: I hate this town. I hate… people. <A good many times I hate people too.> I just want to be taken away to someplace where I… I don't have to worry about finding a job. <And since I am a lazy git but am not good looking enough to be a gigolo abduction is my only other alternative. Have you seen the prices of science fiction paraphernalia lately?>
JC: So you were out in the field that night?
BF: [nodding] Looking for UFOs.
Cut to a wooded area. BF walks through the underbrush, carrying a flashlight. <What he is looking for I don't know since I could have sworn that UFO tend to move above one's head.>
BF: [voiceover] There had been some recent sightings in that area, so I was just hoping to stumble across one. [He yelps and falls flat on his face] <clumsy git!> Now, I've read every book ever written about UFOs and aliens, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. <I'm not sure if this is something he should be bragging about. On the other hand I suppose he wanted JC to know that he could in fact read.> [He looks back at the thing, puts on his glasses and shines his flashlight. He gasps and tries to struggle to his feet and crawls off in the opposite direction of his findings.] <What a wuss!> I should've known to just go get my video camera then instead of notifying the proper authorities. <Like you would have had the guts to look. Puh-shaw!>
JC: What was wrong with doing that?
BF runs off. Later, he watches a black car, much like the MIB one, pull up next to a police car.
BF: Because the proper authorities showed up with a couple of men in black.
The "men in black," get out of their car, carrying flashlights, and slowly walk towards him. When they get out of the car we see that the "men in black" are in actuality M and S.
BF: One of them was disguised as a woman, but wasn't pulling it off. <This is probably why he can't get a date. I mean if he can't even tell that S is a woman he must be easily fooled by every transvestite in a miniskirt.> Like, her hair was red but it was a little too red, you know? <No I don't know. Enlighten me oh dweebish one.> And the other one… the tall, lanky one… his face was so blank and expressionless.<Well, considering the wide variety of faces M makes I suppose I can't fault the geek for that comment.> He didn't even seem human. I, I think he was a mandroid. <Actually he's a Punk but since you thought S was a man I wouldn't expect you to know that.> [BF turns around, wincing with a very punk-like expression on his face. M appears to show no emotion as they approach the dead gray alien's body.] <Of course it could have just been his panic face.> The only time he reacted was when he saw the dead body.
M: Woo! <It was quite the girly scream>
DetM: Yeah, that's a bleeping dead alien body if I ever bleeping saw one.
S: [callously] Wrap it up.
Officer 1 (Off1): You got him?
Officer 2 (Off2): Yeah.
The two officers wrap up the body. DetM, M and another officer walk away. S looks at BF, then grabs him by the collar. He gasps as the light is shone in his face.
S: You never saw this. This didn't happen. You tell anyone, you're a dead man. <Woo Hoo! I love this line>
S pushes him away as BF whimpers. She walks away.
Cut to the present day, X-Files office.
S: He said I said what?
JC: When I interviewed him, he claimed you threatened him.
S: [indignantly] That's ridiculous! I'm… and besides, we allowed him to view the autopsy. <Figures. What a bleepin' ingrate. Poor S, perpetually surrounded by nuts, punks, and ingrates.>
Cut to the autopsy room. Scully takes a scalpel to the alien's chest when BF bursts in. He sees the body.
BF: Whoa! [He runs towards them, holding a video camera. DetM grabs him and pushes him back, trying to keep the camera off the autopsy.]
DetM: Hey! Hey!
BF: You can't suppress the truth! The people have a right to know! Roswell… Roswell!
M: Hey! [DetM and BF freeze, BF's arm still in the air] Does that camera work? <No M, people generally make it a point to carry around a camera intending to do some filming with the full knowledge that the camera does not work.>
DetM and BF look at him. BF nods. Afterwards, we see various shots of the autopsy at really bad angles. They don't reveal much of anything. <BF is a lousy shot> S inspects the mouth, then takes a sawblade to the alien's head. The Stupendous Yappi appears in a cheesy studio with white Christmas lights on a black background to give the appearance of stars.
Stupendous Yappi (SY): Is this actual footage of an alien autopsy? [He raises his left eyebrow.] Or simply a well-made hoax? <I love that eyebrow thing. I'm jealous. I can't do it.>
Back to the X-Files office, where JC fast-forwards the tape.
JC: So this is footage of the actual autopsy you performed.
S: [groaning as she walks in front of the monitor] It's so embarrassing. [She rolls her head back]
S looks at the case to the video: "Dead Alien! Truth or Humbug." A picture of SY is in the lower corner. JC presses play.
SY: Who is that mysterious man who seems to be overseeing the proceedings?
The camera shows M basically from the waist down so you never see his face as it pans around the body, then zooms in on S.
SY: And what secret government agency does this autopsy doctor work for? <Secret? LOL! Snicker>
S: But see? Whoever got a hold of this footage edited it in such a way as to delete all the significant findings.
Back to the autopsy room, S peels back the skin with forceps.
S: There appear to be two layers of epidermis. There's a metal strip that runs just under the top layer down the… [She looks up at M] It's a zipper.
M looks closely, then S pulls off the "head" to reveal a dead human body instead of a dead alien one. She holds up the mask as M frowns. After all of the costume is taken off, she takes off her mask. <This is not a happy group.>
BF: You mean it, it's… it's just a dead human being? Well… [He gags and runs to the bathroom.]
DetM: Well, then who is this bleep? <Good question>
M: I don't know, but I bet we can find his I.D. from the, uh, military database.
What a WUSS. I thought Hsap was a punk? I was SO wrong. Next to BF he seems like a manly man. If he's afraid of little S when she's not in "kick ass" mode I can just imagine him cowering in terror if she actually were.
I wonder where BF gets his glasses. Because I really think he should have his prescription updated. How could he have mistaken S for a man? Really.
What's with BF and his "Roswell!" cry. What does he think it's some kind of verbal kryptonite that will render a MIB unable to wreck havoc? That they'll be clued in the fact that he's a believer? He sounds like a doofus with Tourettes syndrome.
Okay, so BF was okay with witnessing the autopsy of an alien which we are presuming is a sentient being from another planet but the autopsy on a real live dead human being is a problem? BF is a punk.
I LOVE that line when S allegedly threatens BF. It's one of my favorites.
Playing with perception is fun. I love when they tell the same story from different points of view. Although some of these points of view are more than a little out there.
To be continued…
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