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[Archivist's note: The rant featured here can be found at the archive.]
Now on to the "show"
Jose Chung's From Outer Space: Tales From The Wuss Side
Abbreviations to date:
Roky : ROK
Harold Lamb: Hsap
Jose Chung (The lech): JC
Scully: S
Chrissy the annoying twit: AT
Irate Father: IF
Mulder: M
Hypnotist (AKA scary looking quack): SLQ
Detective "bleepin'" Manners (AKA Man1):
DetM
Cigarette Smoking Alien: CSA
Man in Black 1: MIB1
Man in Black 2: MIB2
Dr. Bulldog: DBD
Military Man 1: MM1
Military Man 2: MM2
Military Man 3: MM3
Blaine Faulkner: BF
Air Force Officer: AFO
Number of times a question is answered with "How the hell
should I know?": 2
Number of spaceships making an appearance: 2
Number of times Jose Chung grossed me out: 3
Number of (gratuitous?) Krycek mentions: 2
Number of times Mulder calls Scully by her last name:
1
Number of times Scully calls Mulder by his last name:
5
Number of death threats issued or alleged to have been issued:
2
Detective Manners' Filth-o-meter: number of expletives bleeped or blanked: 10
Cut back to BF's room. He is watching the video. S can be heard talking in it as she works on the body.
S: [on video] The wound is situated to the left of the midline abdomen. The edges of the tissue appear…
There is a knock on the door. BF gets up and goes to the door.
BF: Who is it? <It's ET. It's certainly not your beautiful lover that's for damn sure!>
The door is slammed into BF's face <Frankly it could only improve on the looks of this pathetic stereotype we call BF> and BF yelps a few times, falling backwards. MIB1 walks in, followed by MIB2. They step over BF as if he were nothing more than floor clutter and goes to the VCR.
BF: Hey! You just can't… what do you think you're doing? <This is SO authoritative when being said while supine on the floor.> [He stands] <Which for him doesn't make him any more authoritative but at least he can be kicked around with some dignity.> Hey, I…
MIB2 grabs him by the shoulder. BF looks at him and smiles, as though he recognized him.
BF: Hey!
MIB1 rips the top off of the VCR, destroying it and takes the tape. BF runs up to him.
BF: You have no right to suppress th…
MIB1 picks him up as though he weighed nothing. In yet another attempt to show that he, unlike some others in Klass County, has a clue BF starts yelling.
BF: Roswell! Roswell! Ros… <Apparently he has learned nothing about the ineffectiveness of his Roswell cry from the last time he tried to use it. What a loser!>
MIB1 puts BF into some kind of wrestling move. <TD calls it a backbreaker. The name escapes me as I had outgrown wrestling when I was like 15. But she's probably right.> and drops the pitiful nerd to the floor, unconscious.
BF: [voiceover] I was unconscious for… I don't know how long. <My guess 30 seconds. BF apparently in addition to being a stereotypical science fiction geek is also a drama queen.> And the only reason I came to was…
BF is woken up by a sharp slap to the face. The assailant grabs BF by his shirt. When the camera moves to the assailant's face we see it's M, wearing all black. <Interesting costume change. When did he find the time?>
M: Where's the tape?
BF: They took it.
M slaps BF again.
M: Who?
BF: [starting to cry] The other men in black.
M: [menacingly] If I find out you lied to me, you're a dead man. <My other favorite line in this episode! Woo Hoo!>
M slams BF's head back to the floor. BF's eyes roll back into his head, and once again the dweeb lapses back into unconsciousness.
Cut to BF's interview with JC at BF's place. This time the "I want to believe" poster is visible only it reads "I believe." It appears as though someone taped over the "want to" in the poster.
BF: And then he left. I never saw any of them again.
JC: Aren't you nervous telling me all this after receiving all those death threats?
BF: Well, I didn't, I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage. <Bwha ha ha ha ha ha ha!>
Please excuse me while I pull myself together. I seem to have fallen on the floor. Courage. Bwha ha ha ha ha!
JC: Oh. <See, even the lech isn't buying that load of crap!> [He chuckles, then straightens his face and makes some notes.] Mm-hmm.
Me thinks that BF had been dropped on his head as a baby. What a DWEEB!
Why is it that when he was at the "alien autopsy" in person he had to leave the room when he found out that the body on the slab was actually a human but he can watch the same slicing and dicing action on video? Brother!
What IS it with BF and that damn Roswell cry. I know I said it before but it still really bothers me.
Bully!Mulder is an interesting change of pace from his usual Punk behavior but really. That BF is SUCH a drama queen. His story is so full of exaggerations it's farcical. I bet his exaggeration doesn't help with the women either. <shakes head> Brother!
Dungeons and Dragons taught BF about courage. Me thinks he needs to take another lesson he obviously hadn't learned anything the first time.
Until next time…
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