Minutes Of The March 25 Meeting</B>
The Essence of Femininity, by Becky Adams
Be Careful For What You Wish, by Joan Stone
Diversity Where You Least Expect It, by Rita Richards
Creative Epicurean Society, by Becky Adams
Lucy's Window, by Lucy Stone
And the Teacher(s) Shall Be Taught by the Students, by Terri, Janet, Marsha, and Becky
Random Musings, by Nicole Thomas
Hard Wired, by Rachel Rene Boyd
So now the issue really comes down to how to re-center my life. How to reestablish the balance that I've lost. When I figure this out, I'll let you know.
[Home] [FAQ] [About CES] [By-Laws
[Newsletters
[Activities]
[Album] [SPICE] [Merchants] [Pledge]
Page Created: April 18, 2000
From the Editrix
My Dear Sisters,
As always, this issue is chocked full of fun and informative articles. Chi Epsilon Sigma is one of the more prolific chapters in Tri-Ess. You may have noticed the last edition of The Femme Mirror had only one article from our chapter. Given what we see in this edition of The Wild Rose of the Chesapeake, we can expect to see several more CES articles in The Mirror
.
This newsletter is a labor of love for each of our contributing editrixes. Please join the staff by submitting your own insights into the world of crossdressing. You can send your input to RRBoyd@aol.com
, or R. R. Boyd, P.O. Box 2252, Ashburn, VA 20146-9152.
Rachel Rene Boyd
Newsletter Editrix
Minutes Of The March 25 Meeting
CHI EPSILON SIGMA
Yvonne opened the meeting shortly after 7 p.m., welcoming the 20 members and spouses
who were present. New Chapter members Marsha and Doneene, and Missey and Rene introduced
themselves after which the remainder of the group identified themselves along with their e-mail addresses.
With Joan, our treasurer being absent, there was no treasurer's report and there were
no minutes of the last meeting to be reviewed.
Yvonne asked for Old Business topics and three announcements were made:
There will be an en drab
gathering at the designated location on April 1 at 6:30 p.m.
There will be the semi-annual class presentation on April 3 Becky noted who was planning on being there for that session.
The Book Discussion Group of the Chapter will read and meet to discuss As Nature Made Him in early May more details to follow.
Other than Maureen and Liz offering their place for an en drab
BBQ on the Fourth of July (which we all accepted!) there was no additional New Business.
Then Yvonne turned the meeting over to Janet for the evening's presentation on "Feminine Comportment." Janet led a spirited (some would say riotous) session on comportment/deportment we walked, we stood, we sat, we picked things up off of the floor, we walked some more, we played "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Liz over" for a hour or so.
And we all (?) ended up leaving the session in a far more graceful mode than most of us entered. (Well, maybe some of us were a little more graceful then there were some of us who resembled a broken legged hippopotamus running across a plowed field and there wasn't much anyone could do except shoot us ).
The meeting ended at 9:15 but like a beautiful song, the "melody" lingered on in many little pockets of conversation and chatter.
The Essence of Femininity
By Becky Adams
To me the essence of femininity is not merely the ability to "blend" or "to pass" through my projection of a feminine image through attire and cosmetics. Nor is it defined by the wearing of feminine attire, makeup, and jewelry. And it definitely isn't in the drudgery of cooking, cleaning, sewing, ad nauseam. Granted, the wearing of feminine attire, the ability to "blend," and willing participation
in "women's work" are definitely part of it but there is more.
To me the essence of femininity is more in the mind and the heart and behavior. The mind portion emphasizes the ability to mentally juggle many different spheres but none of them with a single-minded focus as well as the ability to be sensitive to other's feelings and words, expressed as well as inferred, on the surface and several layers deep! The heart is a forgiving one, a compassionate one, a caring one and one that "bends rules" because the intent was good as well as one that is inclusionary when
there are reasons to be and exclusionary when confidences and trust have been broken. And behavior runs the gamut from the love of chatter and juicy gossip to attention to detail, color, and style in attire and accessories and "that certain touch of class" even in grubbies.
Femininity is not only taking care of one's appearances--in all senses of the word and body, but also ensuring that those who are closest to you are also taken care of in a quiet and caring way. Femininity is the application of compassionate justice, understanding that there might well be mitigating circumstances in each case but when there aren't any, then it is the fair and firm application of the law of natural consequences applied again according to individual circumstances. Femininity is the recognition that reasonable rules and guidelines have been established and agreed to for society to function properly, therefore one does not go around them for personal gain because all of society--whether it is the family, the community, or the larger world--is hurt by such actions.
To me the essence of femininity is the balance among appearances, compassion, comprehension, behavioral patterns, and passion that is embodied in the term "selflessness."
Be Careful For What You Wish
You might get it and more
By Joan Stone
If you are a CD who can pass as a woman, be wary of where you choose to do this.
On a recent two-week cruise to the southern Caribbean, my CD, Lucy, and I had a wonderful time. As far as we know, we were the only en femme CD and wife on the ship. Each evening after dinner, we enjoyed relaxing by the dance floor while listening to the orchestra. My only regret was we were not able to take advantage of the excellent dance music that was being played.
However, one of the hosts, who the cruise line had hired to dance with the unescorted ladies, took a liking to Lucy. Several evenings, he asked Lucy to dance, but each time, she very sweetly declined.
However, one Saturday afternoon, dance music was being played on the pool deck while we were sitting nearby, visiting with another lady. We were not paying much attention to the dancing or who was dancing. So it was a surprise when the host, who had been asking Lucy to dance in the evenings, appeared at our table. He took Lucy's hand and said, "Please dance with me." Lucy again graciously declined. But the lady sitting with us said, "Go ahead and dance with him. He is an excellent dancer." I couldn't help myself; I too encouraged Lucy to dance.
I only wish I had a camera with me. The dance was a rumba, which Lucy does not know, nor had she ever wanted to dance with a man. So I will leave the scene on the dance floor to your imagination. I still shake with laughter every time I think about it. It was my small revenge for not being able to dance during the cruise, because I could not dance with my husband, and none of the hosts ever asked me to dance!
I'm certain that Lucy in her wildest imagination never envisioned having to ward off the attentions of a man. So for CDs wanting to pass, be careful for what you wish, or you too might encounter situations you would rather not experience.
Diversity Where You Least Expect It
byRita Richards
Recently, my employer assigned me to design and deliver a series of instructor development seminars on the topic of dealing with cultural diversity in the training environment that our teaching personnel work in. The course I designed consisted of a series of 45-minute to one-hour lectures/discussions interspersed with several small group activities designed to reinforce lesson objectives and get students to interact with
one another. After some thought, I decided to introduce the issue of gender identity into my presentation. The experience I have had with these students in dealing with cross-dressing and other gender identity matters was pleasantly surprising. In chatting with some of my sisters on-line, it was suggested that I share my experiences with all of you.
Those of you with whom I've shared the details of my profession know that I deal with a generally conservative, "macho"-oriented customer base. Our instructor cadre, as one might expect, reflects a similar proclivity. Many of you with professions that share the same attributes can relate to the reluctance and concern I had in deciding to address cross-dressing and other transgender issues in my course. Would my students refuse to take the issue seriously? I pondered. Worse yet, would someone (gasp!) "put two and two together" and deduce that their instructor was, in reality, "a sheep in wolf's clothing"? I finally decided that if I were to be faithful to our sisterhood, I simply must include gender identity in any discussion advocating acceptance and tolerance of diversity. In addition, the non-discrimination policies that govern these instructors' conduct have been interpreted to likely include gender identity as a 'protected class'. So, drawing a very deep breath, I plunged ahead, including relevant lecture and discussion material and developing some small group student exercises in which my students were called upon to effectively manage a training environment scenario in which cross-dressing was a prominent factor, doing so in a positive, non-discriminatory manner.
I must tell you that, after several presentations, I know that my decision to include gender identity was the right one. Without exception, the instructors attending these seminars listened carefully and attentively to my lecture material on cross-dressing, transsexuals, and other gender identity matters. The scenarios were seriously deliberated upon, and good, workable solutions arrived at. Quite a few questions were asked; there was absolutely no snickering or laughing. One question led to a rather interesting and somewhat humorous temptation. In my last delivery, one of my students asked me "Have you ever had a cross-dresser in any class you've taught?" You simply cannot imagine how tempting it was to reply "Why, yes, in every class I've ever taught, as a matter of fact!" The left side of my brain screamed "Go for it, girl!" but the right side of my brain prevailed and I confined myself to a discussion of relevant statistics, concluding that, having instructed several thousand students in my career, it was quite likely that I had.
Other questions were more difficult; for example, "What if a male student insisted on wearing women's clothing to class and it caused
major and on-going disruption?" This is a tough one; balancing the rights of the individual against the instructor's obligation to maintain a viable teaching environment. I stressed the legal obligation to promote and insure everyone a non-discriminatory atmosphere, the importance of stressing to our students the critical nature of teamwork and our expectation of mutual respect and professionalism in all of our relationships. I'm not entirely satisfied that my answer was the best one, but it seemed to make sense.
I like to think that the instructors I trained left with the ability to implement such a solution, gaining from their experience a more balanced view and an increased tolerance for those of us who are fortunate enough to be gender-enhanced. It was certainly a pleasant surprise for me!
Creative Epicurean Society
ByBecky Adams
The Mason-Dixon element of the "Creative Epicurean Society" held its first gathering in southern Pennsylvania on April Fools Day. We had a total of eight couples in attendance--Diane and Sharon, Marsha and Doneene, Emily and Laurie, Tammy and Sandy, Maureen and Liz, Terri and Cindy, and Becky and Anne and Yvonne and Linda.
From all appearances--and sounds of laughter and chatter--it was well received and all had a good time. The intent was simply to give everyone who participated, but especially spouses who are beginning to understand the presence of the "second self," an opportunity to enjoy each other's company and to share mutual interests and experiences. One of the little touted benefits of belonging to CES and to Tri-Ess and participating
in activities such as chapter meetings and other social gatherings is the broadening of one's circle of friends. We all agreed that if it were not for Tri-Ess and CES and the opportunities that these organizations provided, none of the couples present would have had the opportunity to make the acquaintance of the other couples. Our ambient culture seems to limit our circle of friends to work, church, neighbors or children but here we have the opportunity to make the acquaintance of a range of people well beyond those bonds.
We're looking now for someone to step forward and offer to arrange for another meeting of our "Creative Epicurean Society" in early June. While we will be holding a Chapter BBQ at Maureen and Liz's for a July 4th party, we think that we could also meet in early June. A couple of the lessons learned were the use of nametags it is indeed hard not only recognizing each other en drab but also then to remember names on top of that! And then when we exceed ten people and require the normal set up of one long table, we need to tell the restaurant to set up two or more round tables this permits easier conversation with more people than the left-right-and across of a long table seating.
Bon appetite!
Lucy's Window
By Lucy Stone
On Being Cross Dressed on an Ocean Cruise
Sometime during the winter every year, Joan and I find ourselves wishing that we could escape the cold weather and head south for at least a week or two. This winter was no exception. When we received a brochure for a Caribbean cruise in early January, our longing to go south became strong. This year, we were pleasantly surprised to learn that both an unexpected financial windfall and the "reduced price" for the brochure's return-customer cruise bookings were compatible. So we quickly booked our cruise, and began the process of getting ready.
I made a strong pitch to Joan to cross dress every evening for dinner. She said that it worked well on the Dignity cruise, but she had her doubts concerning whether it would be workable on a two-week cruise where no Tri-Ess group was present. We discussed potential problems, and found two for which we didn't have the answer:
How did the cruise line feel about having passengers cross dress?
Would there be any problem going ashore cross dressed at any of our ten port calls to southern Caribbean islands?
I called the cruise line and was put through to a lady whose job it was to answer customer inquiries. She told me the cruise line did not have any policy on cross-dressing one way or the other. She said the only "problem" that she could see was that I would have to wear a formal gown to dinner on formal evenings. (I should have more problems like this.) Concerning the matter of going ashore cross-dressed, she said that was not a problem.
After much discussion, we came up with a plan. Because neither of us knew what situations we would encounter, we agreed that it would be best to pack both for Don and Lucy for everything except formal evenings where I would take two formal dresses. We were unfamiliar with our cruise line's check-in procedures, so I decided that I would play it safe by boarding the ship en homme (I was concerned about other passengers learning my secret while I was checking in.). Once in our cabin, I would cross-dress before the evening meal. I planned to dress every evening for dinner. Further, we expected the ship to be large enough that it would be possible for me to dress en homme to go dancing, to have time as a couple or when Joan just got tired of Lucy.
When we checked in, we discovered that boarding cross dressed could have been accomplished discreetly. I changed before dinner as planned, and everything went well at dinner where we met the two couples with whom we would be dining. Throughout the remainder of the evening, I became convinced that switching back and forth between Lucy and Don could be done with no one the wiser. However, my conclusion evaporated when we
discovered that one of the couples with whom we would be dining every evening had an inside stateroom almost directly across the hall from us. As a result it was going to be very difficult to come and go without raising suspicions if I were to switch back and forth.
Since they had met Lucy that evening at dinner, Joan and I concluded that I was going to have to remain cross-dressed for the entire two-week cruise or else risk creating an awkward situation in the dining room. (At that moment, the prospect of me cross-dressing for an extended period appealed to me, but I was concerned about how Joan was going to react.)
From that first evening until the cruise was over, two weeks later, I cross dressed all of the time, and when the cruise was over, I left the ship and flew home without ever getting any of my male wardrobe out of the suitcase. The entire cruise was without incident, except for the one that Joan gleefully relates elsewhere in this newsletter. For the most part the cruise was a lot of fun for both of us, and I learned some important things, which I summarize below:
It is possible for a CD to totally cross dress for an extended period of time without anybody becoming the wiser, if she has developed the capability to pass for shorter periods of time and has confidence in herself. However, I am certain that it would have been far more difficult, if not impossible, for me without a wonderful supportive wife to let me know if something wasn't just right and to help build and maintain our cover story.
It was very strange to find myself in a situation where I could go about freely as a female but found it impractical to dress as a male. Being precluded from dressing en homme made it impractical for Joan and me to go dancing or even hold hands, and we both very much missed this.
Being coerced into dancing with a man is an extremely scary situation. Although his attraction to the identity I had assumed was in itself validation that I appeared to be the woman that I was emulating. Fortunately, he didn't suspect a thing. However, I intend to be careful to avoid being put into a similar situation in the future.
Do I plan to cross dress on future cruises, and more importantly will Joan be receptive to me doing so? We both are as enthusiastic as ever about going on the Tri-Ess Dignity Cruises, and we feel certain that we will be very much aware of the lessons learned on this cruise when deciding what level of activity will work best for both of us on all future cruises.
And the Teacher(s) Shall Be Taught by the Students
By
Terri, Janet, Marsha, and Becky
That's about the long and the short of it. Terri, Janet, Marsha, and Becky visited Dr. Kate Thomas' class on human sexuality on April 3 at Villa Julia College. There were twenty students in the class; three men and 17 women, all the traditional college age of being in their early twenties. They were great! No other word can summarize our impression of them. They listened--and listened well--and asked interesting and thoughtful questions, providing us with some interesting perspectives and opportunities
for reflection...and laughs as well.
The funny side is when we followed Kate into the classroom with students eagerly waiting. For some reason Kate turned around and walked back out with the four of us on her heels. No way we were staying in there alone.
As an icebreaker, we made the observation that just about the only people in the class wearing dresses or skirts were the four crossdressers. There were two or three GG's in dresses, including two gals who were wearing very short skirts (gads, I wish I could wear the short skirts, but with my genetically inherited bow legs...never!).
The class did appear to be a bit tight-jawed when we started. They soon warmed up as a result, we think, of the honest and forthright way the four of us presented our backgrounds and rationale. Gradually it developed that their initial impression of crossdressers came from the Jerry Springers of the media world...and here they saw and talked to "something" that was never seen on such shows. They agreed after the class they will definitely look at such shows with a different perspective in the future!
They were honest. When Janet put the question to them as to how they would respond if their future--or present--husband 'fessed up to being a crossdresser, they all answered they really didn't know. After listening and visiting with us, they all thought they would try to keep an open mind. One can ask for nothing more.
Three men in the class were as heavily involved in the questioning and comments as were the women. It was hard at the start to get eyeball-to-eyeball contact an instructor wants, but by the time the class was over that link was there. That was probably the best sign we could have ever had that there was now understanding where originally there was apprehension.
By the time the class was over for us (about 6:15; we started at 4:00), everyone was responding and talking freely. The tight-jawed, apprehensive mood we detected at the start had disappeared. The questions eventually became more personal and individual...how and why are compromises worked out; how did our siblings/families respond; why did you wait 38 years to tell your wife; and why do you wear what we are wearing; what do we get out of wearing feminine attire? We would like to think we were direct and honest in our responses. There was no "company line" from either Tri-Ess or CES. The four of us would always present four slightly different responses to each question.
One of the questions asked was how often do we dress like women. This was the perfect opportunity to tell them we do have a manly side too. I made eye to eye contact with the roughest looking chap in the class. I said that some weekends you could find me riding my Harley Davidson looking like some bad ass. I also drag race and participated in the National Hot Rod Association running Super Gas for four years. Well, I got a rise out of his eyebrows. At the end of the session when the students gave their thoughts the rough looking chap said he thought it's really great we could experience both
sides.
All in all, it was a delightful experience--if not slightly scary at the start for the four of us. (They all said openly that we were far braver by walking in as we were dressed than they would have ever been!...pop up our "manly" chests at that compliment, girls!) Therefore, we know there will be strong competition among those of us who have gone to previous sessions to be able to go to the next possible class in July...
We really would like to thank Dr. Kate for this opportunity and we welcome the opportunity to expand our venue, all in the name of education...for...Learning is a life-long experience!
Random Musings
By
Nicole Thomas
Life and the single/separated cross dresser
I've been cross dressing now for about 24 years. I've spent 23 years hiding it from my family and 12 years hiding it from my wife. I've been out of the wardrobe for 16 months. My wife was only around for 3-5 of those months. This makes me, essentially, a single cross dresser. As a result, I can cross dress when I want without having to find out if it's okay with anybody else. I can plan cross dressing outings, I can daydream about cross dressing, I can go clothes shopping and spend my money without feeling guilty. After all of those years in the wardrobe, this has been very liberating. It's not without its problems, however. Without someone else to consider I've spent far more money on cross dressing, in too short a period, than I should have. No checks and balances.
I recently had some plans with another cross dresser fall through because her wife's feelings had to be taken into consideration. I was disappointed. But still, I was glad that I don't have to worry about such things. This was brought home again last month with Becky's article about cross dressing and the art of compromise. No significant other, no compromises necessary! In many ways I've become selfish and self centered about my cross dressing. Not necessarily a good thing.
When it first became apparent that our marriage wasn't going to be saved, I kept wondering how I would find another woman, especially one that would be tolerant of my cross dressing. I still wonder about this, but finding a new relationship doesn't seem as important anymore. I've learned a lot about myself in the last few months, and I'm comfortable with myself, by myself. I've realized if I bring a new woman into my life I'll have to start compromising on cross dressing, and I'm not sure if I want to do that. Yet.
On the other hand, it's now been a year since I've been held by a woman, loved by a woman. While I'm not lonely, I do miss the attention, the closeness, and the special bond between lovers. But given the choice between being in a relationship with someone that can't tolerate and support my cross dressing , a return to the guilt and the hiding, or being on my own and comfortable with myself, I'll take the latter.
Hard Wired
By
Rachel Rene Boyd
Last month I wrote an article about the new book by John Colapinto, As Nature Made Him. This is the story of David Reimer, who as an infant was surgically altered and raised as a girl. This book speaks volumes to me about how we acquire our gender identity, and how we can, or cannot alter it. Colapinto's book is one of two books that have helped me understand who I am, and provides a rational explanation for why I cross dress.
The other book was Conundrum, by Jan Morris. It's the story of her transsexual transformation. It was published in the early 1970s, and was the first well written book about the transsexual experience since Christine Jorgenson's transformation made it into the popular press in the early 1950s. The most important thing I learned from Jan Morris' Conundrum was that I was not a transsexual. I still wasn't sure who I was, but I knew I wasn't a person who would ever seek sexual reassignment surgery. Jan Morris' experience and feelings about being female were just too different from mine.
What John Colapinto's book did for me was to convince me that whatever makes me cross dress is biological and was formed before I was born. There has been a debate for years about how much of gender identity is genetically influenced and how much is environmentally influenced (i.e., nature versus nurture). Back in the 50s and 60s it was thought to be more nurture, and mostly related to how one was raised. It was during this time that the Twins Case came about. One of the identical male twins had his penis irreparably damaged by circumcision. According to the nurture theory, it was thought that he could just be raised as a girl and he would never know the difference. But it didn't work out that way. He basically fought being a girl. They had removed his genitalia, and treated him as a girl, but he knew something just was not right. As a teenager he learned of the circumcision accident and chose to revert to male. He is now in his mid 30s, married, and raising adopted children.
This incident gives evidence that nature is more important in sexual differentiation and gender identity than was previously thought. It indicates there is something within us, besides just hormones and anatomy, which determines our sex roles. Somehow we are "hard wired" to be male or female. Child rearing, hormonal stimulation, or surgery cannot change that "wiring". Recent theories hold that the brains of males and females actually develop differently in vitro. It appears that once developed to be male or female, the brain cannot be reprogrammed
to be otherwise.
There is still a continuum between male and female characteristics. Males display some female behaviors, and females display some male behaviors. None of us are 100% male or female. And to me, that explains a possible origin of crossdressing behavior. Whatever the mechanisms are that create sexual differentiation in vitro, they leave all of us with some of those "hard wired" characteristics of the opposite sex. That would explain why some men get a great deal of satisfaction from exhibiting
female behaviors.
Even though we are male in every other respect. It also explains why it is impossible to change that behavior. Typically crossdressing males have gone through numerous attempts to stop crossdressing. I know I have. But in spite of all of my best deliberate attempts to stop, including using psychiatric counseling, I ultimately come back to it. I now believe that whatever drives me to cross dress was predetermined before I was born, and that cannot ever be changed.