What Crossdressers Are Not

Not everyone who dons the clothing of the opposite sex is a crossdresser. Society tends to perpetuate stereotypes on the basis of visible behavior patterns. Drag queens are usually gay or bisexual males who don women's clothes either to mock femininity and society's stereotypes of gays, or to find sex partners. Female impersonators dress to entertain. Transsexuals believe they are entrapped in the body of the opposite sex, and seek sexual reassignment surgery. Crossdressers do not aspire to any of these things, but are simply expressing the crossgendered side of their personalities.

Understanding the "Woman Within"

There is within each man a set of feminine potentials that are part of his birthright, but that society says he should suppress. Crossdressers have made contact with these feminine potentials, this "woman within," and found this contact fulfilling. Integrating these into their whole personalities, crossdressers are able to smooth off some of the macho rough edges incurred by their upbringing. The result is relaxation and mellowing of the whole person.

But Why Do They Crossdress?

Much speculation has centered on why some men crossdress. No one knows for sure. While some cite hormonal or genetic factors, others favor environmental factors. It appears, however, that for many the clothing serves as a "lens" to facilitate focusing upon and developing the feminine side of the personality.

Is Crossdressing a Sexual Phenomenon?

Human being are sexual creatures. Especially early on, many crossdressers find the activity sexually stimulating. As time goes on, however, the sexual factor appears to become less prominent. Crossdressing is more a matter of personality than sexuality. For many the need to crossdress becomes a part of the self, just as musicians need to play music, writers need to write, or ballplayers need to play ball. A life without crossgender expression is to some as tragic as the life of a musician forced to live without music. Like musical talent, crossgender expression can be a real gift.

What Types of People Crossdress?

Crossdressers come from all walks of life, races, creeds, and economic backgrounds. The phenomenon dates back many thousands of years. In some cultures, especially some Native American tribes, they were highly respected as shamans. Most crossdressers are well educated and come from conventional family backgrounds. The vast majority are heterosexual and most are, or have been, married. Most are happy in their masculinity, and only a small percentage opt to live as women full time. A few women are crossdressers, but they are much less numerous than their malecounterparts. Perhaps this is due to the relative latitude society grants to women in matters of dress and self-expression.

Can Crossdressing Be "Cured"?

The chief adjustment problem crossdressers face is societal attitudes. While these have been changing since crossdressers appeared on the Donahue Show in 1987, acceptance is far from complete. Because of possible consequences to families, jobs, and friends, many crossdressers live shrouded in secrecy. Wracked by fear and guilt, some crossdressers deny their feminine side and dispose of their clothing. Usually they are frustrated by this amputation of a significant part of their personalities, and eventually return to feminine self-expression. Some seek therapy, but as many therapists are not knowledgeable about crossgender issues, they sometimes find themselves educating the therapist rather than getting the help they seek. Nor are psychiatric drugs of benefit. There is no "cure" for crossdressing, and most crossdressers do not want one!

The Crossdresser and His Wife

How a crossdresser's wife accepts him depends on his own degree of insight, the duration and solidity of the relationship, and the way in which the wife or partner learns about the crossdressing. Open and honest communication is the lifeblood of any committed relationship, and in the case of the crossdresser, communication is particularly vital. Once a wife or partner realizes her mate isn't leaving her for another man or for a new life as a woman, the two of them can seek a solution that suits their own unique circumstances.

The wise wife or partner realizes that her mate is the same person she has always known. She recognizes the risk her man has taken in revealing his innermost feelings, and appreciates the trust this represents. Many of the traits that attracted her in the first place: sensitivity, kindness, appreciation of beauty, etc. - can now be seen as belonging to that "woman within".

The Crossdresser and His Children

A crossdrcsser's children don't appear at any greater risk of becoming crossdressers themselves. Indeed, children benefit from exposure to a father who is usually more sensitive, creative and involved in their lives than the average. The decision to tell the children about one's crossgender expression is a highly personal one, to be arrived at jointly by the parents, with the needs of the child paramount.

Crossdressers are usually torn between the desire to "protect" their children on the one hand, and the negative effects of deceit on the other. Telling the children at a time and under circumstances controlled by the parents, however, does forestall the children finding out somehow at a time when they are least prepared to deal with it.

In our experience, timing - when the children are told - is more important than what they're told. Adolescence, a time of struggle to establish social and sexual identity, is not the right time (especially if the children are boys). If boys are not told earlier in childhood, it is generally best to wait until adulthood. On the other hand, children who are told in early childhood accept crossgender expression as "no big deal". Such children are well prepared to deal with the diversity of modern society.

Looking For Support?

Support should be based on the following principles: 1) that every human being has the right to full expression of all personality potentials, both masculine and feminine; 2) that individuals should strive to balance and integrate both their masculine and their feminine aspects to produce a happier, more fulfilled whole person; 3) that needs of spouses and families are neither more nor less important than those of crossdressers; 4) that crossgender expression should not remain a matter of shame and secrecy, but be integrated into everyday life.

The Society For The Second Self, Inc. a 501(c)(3) organization

Purpose:

Full Personality Expression, both Masculine & Feminine
Multilevel Support for Crossdressers and Families
Relationship Building in the Context of Crossdressing
Outreach to Helping Professionals
Public Education about Crossdressing

Resources:

Tri-Ess provides support focused on crossdressers, their spouses, partners and families. Nationwide, 38 affiliates offer a relaxed atmosphere for crossgender expression. Support resources include a Big Sister Program, a Pen Pal Program, and a Mail Forwarding Service.

Annual Tri-Ess-sponsored events include the Holiday En Femme, which features fun outings and educational seminars, and the Spouses' and Partners' International Conference for Education (S.P.I.C.E.), which focuses on wives' issues, communication skills and relationship building.

In addition to educational pamphlets on crossdressing, Tri-Ess publishes a quarterly magazine, the Femme Mirror, with articles on a myriad of crossdressing-related subjects. For spouses and partners, Tri-Ess provides a quarterly newsletter, the Sweetheart Connection. Most affiliates maintain Help lines and publish monthly newsletters. Speakers are available on request.

Hours: Tri-Ess National can be reached 24 hours a day.
Many affiliates maintain their own phones.

The Society for the Second Self, Inc.
P.O. Box 194, Tulare, CA 93275
(209) 688-9246 (Pacific Time) or