Year in Review,
Grace Gardener
Feeling Good
, Ellen Yeti
Girl Talk, Getting it "Nailed" Down , Becky Adams
Girl Talk, No Room in the Closet, Becky Adams
Our Voices Reveal Us,
Rachel Rene Boyd
Forty Shades of Green; An Irish Experience,
Rita Richards
Lucy's Window, Lucy Stone
Bookworm Becky, Becky Adams
Chi Epsilon Sigma, Library Holdings
We welcome Ellen and Rita, who are contributing their first articles to The Wild Rose of the Chesapeake this month. This newsletter is a labor of love for each of our contributing editrixes. Please join the staff by submitting your own insights into the world of crossdressing. You can send your input to BoydRachel@aol.com , or R. R. Boyd, P.O. Box 2252, Ashburn, VA 20146-2252
Your Tri-Ess Sister
Rachel Rene Boyd
Newsletter Editrix
Our July meeting marked our first year as a fully chartered Tri-Ess chapter. A lot of things have happened over the past year, so I wanted to take a few minutes to review some of the highlights. For old timers this will be a trip down Memory Lane, for newcomers it will give you some idea of where we've been and hopefully where we're going.
Our first organizational meeting was held on March 21, 1998. This meeting was the culmination of e-mail that many of us had exchanged since January. I recall telling Jane Ellen Fairfax about two weeks before our meeting that we were expected between twenty and thirty people. Jane was less optimistic and indicated that we should not be disappointed if fewer people than expected showed up since some folks might get cold feet.
On the day of the meeting we had twenty-six attendees, most of whom were couples. We had a wonderful potluck supper, which gave us a chance to meet many of the people we had chatted with on-line. It was a historic moment for many attendees since it was the first time they had ever met another crossdresser.
By the end of the first meeting we had a chapter name, a by-laws committee, an offer from Joan Henderson to open a bank account, and an offer from Lucy Stone to set up a web site.
When Jane called me on Sunday to ask how things went, she was stunned by the number of attendees and indicated that our attendance set an all-time record for an organizational meeting. This was the first of many records the chapter was to set.
By the second meeting, Lucy Stone and I were already discussing a strategic plan of establishing a chapter in the Richmond-Williamsburg area. After all, we had four members in that area, and we anticipated that as word of our existence spread, it was only a matter of time before we could spin off a Virginia Chapter. I'm very pleased to say that almost exactly one year after we received our Charter, our sisters to the south have formed the Rho Tau Chapter starting off with about twenty members, many of whom were members of Chi Epsilon Sigma.
Our May meeting also include a number of firsts. It was our first meeting at the BWI location, it was our first dressed meeting, and it was our first meeting with a real program -- a presentation by Heather Ann of My Lady's Mirror.
The June and July meetings continued to include a lot of discussion -- some might say interminable discussion -- on what we wanted to do and how we wanted to do it. In July the wives suggested that we eliminate their breakout session, since they thought it would be more enjoyable to participate in all the activities as one cohesive group. Recognizing that wives who have just learned of their husband's crossdressing often want to talk in confidence to another wife, the wives agreed that informal discussions could easily be arranged. Heather Ann helped us out both months with programs on color coordination and wig selection.
In August, Beth and Maggie James did a wonderful program on accessorizing. Using Beth as her model, Maggie demonstrated how small changes in jewelry, shoes and other accessories could dramatically transform an outfit.
In September Kate Thomas, Ph.D., RN, spoke to us about her experiences with crossdressing. Kate, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Baltimore, is a pretty heavy hitter in the transgender world, having worked with Dr. John Money at Johns Hopkins for a number of years. Due to other obligations Kate was a little pressed for time and could not stay too late, but she promised to come back. She is presently slated for a return engagement at our September meeting. She has also assured me that she will be able to join us for our social hour after her presentation.
October was a Halloween party hosted by Emily and Laurie. Costumes included three French maids, a bearded lady, a cheerleader, and a Civil War belle. We also learned that much to our surprise, we had been named Tri-Ess Chapter of the year! Another record breaker since at that time we had been chartered for only about three months. Surprisingly, we had accomplished more in three months than many chapters had in three years.
There was no "official" meeting in November because of a conflict with the Thanksgiving holidays; however, Vicki and Cheri Frost organized a dinner party at the Central Station restaurant in Baltimore. This event was another record breaker since it was the first time that many members had ever been out in public dressed. It was a wonderful time.
In December Mary Jo and I hosted the holiday party at her home. Almost the entire membership attended. There was a gift exchange and a kareoke serenade by Linda and the Wannabes.
The January program was a fashion show orchestrated by Vicki and Cheri Frost. Our models presented their best fashions in three categories: casual, business, and formal attire.
February was an en homme Valentine's Day cruise that allowed us to express a small token of appreciation to our wives and partners for the support that they provided. After all, it's not easy being the wife or partner of a crossdresser. The en homme aspect of this meeting also created an opportunity for wives and SO's who just couldn't bring themselves to enter a room filled with guys dressed as girls to meet us as our guy selves.
March was our first en femme weekend getaway, another record breaker since this was the first time that many people had spent a significant amount of time in public en femme. Lucy and Joan Stone deserve a lot of credit for organizing a wonderful weekend, which among other things, included a dinner at one of the historic taverns. Saturday's dinner meeting boasted about thirty attendees all of whom will recall the good natured apprehension of our guest speaker, a trooper with the Virginia State Police. Although he knew he'd be talking to a group of crossdressers, apparently he didn't realize until he got there that we would all be crossdressed. Some of us are still chuckling about his comment to Heather and Steve when he joined them on the elevator after dinner. "This must be one of those Yankee things," he said. His jaw went slack when they told him that half of the people in the room were Virginians.
April marked the anniversary of our first organizational meeting. This was another dinner at Central Station attended by forty-three members. For some, this was their first time out. Jane Ellen and Frances Fairfax came up from Houston and presented a slide program that recounted the history of Tri-Ess.
We also learned a very important lesson that month....don't have too many "special events" too close together. Due to an unanticipated convergences we wound up having three "outside" excursions three months in a row --the dinner cruise in February, the Williamsburg getaway in March, and the anniversary dinner in April. Further complicating
things was that the cruise was not a dressed event and both the March and April meeting were held in public places that essentially ruled out some people's participation.
As a consequence of this experience we decided to assure that there would be at least one meeting every month at the hotel or at a member's home. This was to assure that members who either could not change at home or who were reluctant to be out in public place could be assured that at least once a month they would have a secure place where they could dress and socialize with other crossdressers.
April marked yet another first. Kate Thomas asked if we would provide speakers to her college class on human sexuality. Kim and Lisa Oberdick, Terri Andrews and I spoke to a class of about thirty students. I presented what I'll call the "academic stuff" sort of a discussion of the common myths and misconceptions about crossdressing, Terri provided a very nice perspective on the mental and emotional side of crossdressing,
and Kim and Lisa offered a couple's perspective. Our program was so well received that Kate invited us back for her June class. Yvonne and Linda Sullivan and Rachel Boyd handled that one.
In May, Paula Evans, a professional musician and song writer, put together a marvelous multi-media program on cross-dressing themes in music and treated us to a live rendition of some of her original work.
June was a pool party hosted by Emily and Laurie. As a purely social event the pool party allowed people to get to know each other a little better. There was a lot of good conversation around the pool and mountains of food in the dining room.
While Joan Henderson and I have not officially reviewed membership renewals yet, it looks like with Wendy, Charlotte, Lauren and Glenda joining us at our last meeting, our present membership is around fifty. On average we have between twenty to thirty people at a meeting, which is about 50 to 60 percent of the membership. Not a bad attendance record considering how many other things are competing for people's time.
As I look back over the past year and a half, I feel very gratified. When Yvonne and Linda Sullivan and I got together on December 21, 1997 there were no Tri-Ess Chapters in this region. Now there are two with a combined membership of about seventy. Both our Chapter and Rho Tau continue to attract new members who are very relieved when they discover that there are other people with whom they can share their "secret" in a friendly, family-oriented, supportive atmosphere.
My term as Chair ended at the July meeting, but I'll remain on the executive committee for the next year as Director. During that time I'll be focusing my efforts on membership development. I also plan on taking some time to write up the Chapter history for the web site.
I'd also like to thank each and every one of you for your continued commitment and support. Through your efforts we have accomplished much. One of the things that I have found particularly touching is people's willingness to give something back to the Chapter.
I've asked people to help out with programs, to do new member interviews and to write short articles for the newsletter. Anyone I've asked to do something has enthusiastically agreed. You all remember the existence you led before joining the Chapter. You all know the sense of relief andacceptance you felt when you finally meet and talked with another crossdresser.
New members are constantly telling me how so many people made them feel welcome at ur meetings. I'm glad to hear this because I think it demonstrates the support that we all provide to each other.
Lastly, I'd like to thank my partner Mary Jo, for without her love, acceptance and encouragement none of us would know each other today. There would be no regular meetings, no member e-mail network, no web site, no Williamsburg get-a-way, no dinners out at Central Station and no newsletter.
Mary Jo and I were sitting in her living room in early December 1998 when I told her I was thinking about organizing a support group for cross-dressers. She'd known of my crossdressing for more than a decade, but it was one of those things we just didn't talk about too much.
I asked if she would be OK with my organizing a group? We talked a little bit about what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. If she had expressed any discomfort or apprehension, that would have ended things then and there. She agreed that it was something that was important to do, and here we are today.
Thank you all for giving me the opportunity to serve as the Chapter's first Chairperson. I'll be looking forward to working with all of you to provide new members with the support and encouragement they need.
As a fairly new member of the group I have only been to the dinner, pool party, and two meetings at the hotel. The large amount of support, sharing, understanding, and warm friendship that everyone extends ALWAYS makes me "Feel Good" about myself. I also have to complement who ever choose the hotel for our meeting place. I'm not sure why, but at both of the meetings I've attended at the hotel I've had experiences that really make me "Feel Good". Maybe it's the need for medical care (eye care or hearing aids) or perhaps good booze, or cheap drugs, or the possiblecombination of all of the above.
I'm one of those terrible people who smoke, so I spend some time out in front of the hotel. At the May meeting, I'm out front having a smoke. The shuttle bus pulls in, and a woman dashes off the bus into the hotel. A couple of minutes later she comes out and sits down on the bench next to me. We strike up a conversation about airlines, food, poor service and how she had gotten sick. Feeling sorry for her condition, I offered to try to find something for her to eat, but she declined. We talked for probably 20 minutes and her husband/boyfriend joined us for the last 10 minutes. Neither
of them batted an eyelash, or gave me any look of disapproval. It was a pleasant and friendly conversation. It was so enjoyable, and made me feel really good. That is remarkable when you realize that it had been 10 to 12 hours since the razor and I had been "one". Between the 10 o'clock shadow and the Nick Nolte voice, they had to have known. But it didn't matter to them; it was so nice for me.
Now again relating back to the statements about medical conditions and intoxicants. At the closing of July's meeting, I'm carrying some things out to the van, and stop to have a smoke. "Bubba" the shuttle bus driver is out there walking around. He strolls over and comments on how much business there is. I responded that at the last meeting we had there it was also rather busy. Then Bubba spots my nametag, and leans over to read it. (I'll save you the terrible mispronunciation of Chi Epsilon Sigma.)
He asks, "Is that some kind of oriental thing?"
Now my mind is in high gear, but there are just too many comebacks to choose from, so I tell him it's like a sorority.
"Oh," he responds, "a College thing".
I tell him that, we are a group/organization for heterosexual crossdressers and their wives and significant others. With a confused look on his face he says,
"Crossdressers, is that them guys that wear make up and dresses and stuff?"
My response is, well, yeeesss. As he gets another confused look on his face, he looks me over top to bottom.
"You aren't one of them, are you?"
Yeesss I am, I respond. Bubba is making major contributions to my ego.
"No, you can't be, you look too good."
I respond with a suppressed giggle and a THANK YOU.
"That was a compliment.... I think, wasn't it?"
Giggling, I tell him it was a very nice compliment and I thank him again.
About then Maureen and her wife are leaving. So I excused myself to say goodbye. Bubba looked at me, looked at them, looked at me, looked at them, and asks,
"Are they part of your group?"
By now my excitement engine is red lined, but there are still too many comebacks from which to choose. My response is again, Yeessss they are. Bubba just shakes his head as he strolls off to his shuttle bus.
"Man I sure can't tell."
As I step off Cloud Nine and strut inside, I realize we must never give up this place as our meeting establishment. It just does too much to make me "FEEL GOOD"!!!
Take Care, Be Safe, Have Fun, Live Life!!!
As many of you know I enjoy humor. I never mean to belittle anyone, so most of the time the humor I see in a situation is some idiotic thing I've done. Humor keeps me going. You have to be able to laugh at yourself to love you life.
Getting it "Nailed" Down
Well, I did...and the experience was rewarding and stimulating.
I was en drab (with the exception of panties and bra or camisole, which are now routine) when I made an appointment. Gave the attendant my name of R. S. Adams without explaining that the R. S. stood for "Rebecca Sisley"...I know, cowardess!
I returned on schedule--en drab--and waited, the only male in a salon full of young, mature, or overly mature women...I waited for over an hour and finally approached the owner with the reminder that I had an appointment for some time ago! He was horrified, remembering my visit from the previous day!
The advantage of waiting was that by then I knew the routine and what to expect, thereby permitting--or at least I thought so--the attendant to think that I was an old hand (please excuse the play on words). Well, he might have thought so when he was removing the old polish (yes, dear, I've been wearing a light pink gloss polish for a couple of months now...no one has either noticed or said anything if he or she has noticed), shaping and smoothing the nails. But when the woman attendant took over, her first question was "Is this your first manicure?" So much for being suave and debonair! Had to answer "yes," but she didn't say anything in reply. She went through the entire routine of soaking the fingers, pushing the cuticle back and trimming it, and generally shaping the nails. Then she applied a heavy coat of hand lotion and massaged the wrists and hands, working each finger over carefully...it was a most delightful feeling. The conversation was light and did not touch on "why" or anything of a personal nature. I was prepared to explain why if she asked, but she didn't.
She did ask if I wanted a base coat, and appeared surprised when I said that I did as well as some color "...sort of a light pink or flesh in tone..." but she knew exactly what color to take off of the rack. The base coat went on thick followed by a light pink polish, also applied heavily, followed by a gloss topcoat. Then it was off to the nail dryer for about five to ten minutes.
The end product was a set of professionally appearing nails and a full sense of feminine satisfaction on my part...as well as a resolution to get " my nails done" every ten days or so!
So, if you haven't done it, try it...you might very well like it!
I took the opportunity the other evening to invade another bastion of femininity (no, not the "ladies room," that may come later...), the "nail salon." Granted, there is the potential excuse for having a manicure, that as a professional, I "use my hands in pointing items out during briefings so my nails need to look professional" but still, to actually get a manicure and in public!?!
It is amazing that someone who was told what to wear for thirty years, and who was twenty years behind in "drab" fashion (really gave a new meaning to "drab," too!) now has a lingerie cabinet in the place of her spouse's original dresser (although it does have several drawers in it ). And there are two closets full of Becky's dresses, skirts, blouses, suits, etc. Quite a peacock (except the female in that species is indeed the drab one, while it's the male who wears all the ornamentation maybe we humans have it all backward).
Anyway, while Mary Alice's remark was about the discussion we were having on clothes and our changed attitude toward the purchase and wear of clothing, especially feminine styles and attire, there is also a hidden meaning. And there are several different ramifications to that hidden aspect. When we "came out" to ourselves, there was still room in that closet for us to escape simply because no one knew the closet was there. There was room for us in there where we could still hide if we needed to. But when we "came out" to others there was no returning, there was literally "no room in the inn" any more. And that's obvious to those of us who have gone through that second step, we are aware--sometimes very painfully aware--that we can't go back because the door is closed and locked.
So?
My point is for all of those readers who are contemplating that second step to think it through--carefully. Sun Tzu allegedly said "know yourself and know your enemy and you won't fear the outcome of a thousand battles." Well, I bet he wasn't a crossdresser faced with telling a significant other--spouse or otherwise!! Part of knowing yourself is to have an "informed conscience." Know the differences among the various terms used and be able to explain them in language she'll understand. Know where you want "it" to end she'll ask that for sure! And a "I don't know" doesn't do anything for her badly shaken confidence in you at this point. Have sources available for her to read. But above all be prepared for a whole range of words and actions on her part. Rehearse what you would say and do if she takes any one of the many courses of action. They could range from fainting (yes, that can happen ) to demanding a divorce to walking out with the kids, to shrugging her shoulders and saying "so what's on TV tonight not that TV, silly, the television" to Pangloss's best of all possible worlds "let's hit the outlets tomorrow!" Talk to others who have been there and learn from their experiences while each person's situation is unique, there are some commonalties you should consider.
Because once that door is open, it usually slams shut and generally there's no more room in there for anything but slips, dresses, skirts, blouses, and heels
Probably the hardest thing for male crossdressers to feminize is our voice. After hours of careful preparation, adding the padding in just the right places, artfully crafting the makeup, and practicing the feminine mannerisms, as soon as we open our mouths, the illusion diminishes. Only a few of us have mastered the techniques of feminizing our voices, which usually takes years of practice and maybe more than a little gift in the tenor of our native voice boxes.
Melanie Yarborough points out that people who experience identification with a minority group do so in three stages: Contact, Immersion, and Integration ("Keeping Our Community Alive", The Femme Mirror
, Summer, 1999). I am one of those in the Immersion phase, openly reveling in the experience of being a crossdresser. After over 40 years in the closet, I have been going out in public en femme more frequently and openly in the last 18 months. One of the things that many crossdressers
have experienced in public is that people will often draw us into conversation just to confirm our gender identity. That has happened to me several times now.
The first time I was aware of being intentionally drawn out was on a recent trip to Philadelphia. Business brought me to the City of Brotherly Love. I brought along an extra suitcase so I could enjoy dinner at a local restaurant en femme. The restaurant treated me with the courtesy and respect due any customer, even though I have no illusions that I can pass completely. I am convinced that people "read" me, but because I do my very best to look and act as a lady, they accept my masquerade and treat me as a lady.
After dinner, I went back to my hotel. Still in the euphoria of the evening, I was not ready to give up my femme persona just yet. So I went to the hotel lounge for a nightcap. The female bartender served me with a smile and a little pleasant chitchat. A male customer at the next table had been absorbed in the Philadelphia Flyers on television. When the game was over, his curiosity got the best of him, and he asked me, "What are you doing here?"
My instant thought, before I could answer, was that he was going to create a scene. Answering in my best female voice, "I'm staying overnight here after some business in Philadelphia today." Apparently satisfied that he had confirmed what he thought about my identity, he said, "Have a good evening," and left. I was amused, and relieved.
On another occasion, I was meeting Grace for dinner at Central Station restaurant in Baltimore. I had just parked my car in a self-serve pay lot, and was walking over to deposit my parking fee. A female voice called from behind me, "Excuse me." I practiced selective hearing loss and tried to ignore her. She became more insistent, "Excuse me!" as I could hear her getting closer behind me. Again, there was a certain sense of panic that someone was trying to create a scene.
Finally, I had to acknowledge her. She said, "I just wanted to tell you what lovely perfume you are wearing."
My heart went from fear to exhilaration. "Thank you very much. That is very kind of you to say so. I hope you have a nice evening."
I am convinced that in both of these cases, my feminine presentation was passable, but only to an extent. After all, I am six feet tall and with overly broad shoulders for a woman. These people knew that by drawing me into conversation, they could confirm what they suspected. I am thankful to them that after they did speak to me, they had the graciousness to let me live my life as I chose.
I spent a total of thirteen days on the Emerald Isle, covering a circuitous route that started and finished at Dublin, Ireland's largest city and the capital of the Republic of Ireland. I toured the country by motor coach in the company of forty-nine other people, mainly Australians and New Zealanders, under the very capable guidance of an expert tour guide. I would recommend this method of touring the country for anyone going there for the first time. The disadvantage of having limited time for independent activities is more than offset, I feel, by the fact that uncertainties relative to accommodations, itineraries, etc. are for the most part eliminated. I was well pleased with the tour firm that organized the trip, and will be happy to share specifics with any sister interested. Having experienced an organized overview of Ireland better prepares me to strike out on my own the next time I visit there.
Dublin is a very cosmopolitan city that is currently in the throes of a booming economy, as is the entire country. There is much new construction, but the Irish have (at least so far) managed to blend the old with the contemporary in a manner that preserves the best of both. From Dublin, we proceeded to Belfast, Northern Ireland and from there to Londonderry (or Derry, as most Irish prefer to call it), stopping at several sites of historical and general interest. These included a visit and tour of Bushmills distillery, the oldest continuously operating distillery in the world, where yours truly was appointed an official Irish whiskey tester!
The six counties of Ireland under British rule were not at all like I imagined. I expected Belfast to resemble Da Nang, Vietnam a la 1971, but such was not the case. Belfast and Derry were both vibrant cities in which I felt quite comfortable, although evidence of 'the troubles' was never too far away in the urban areas. The British Army maintains a very low public profile, but their compounds are walled, wired fortresses, as is every post of the Royal Ulster Constabulary (RUC) in Northern Ireland. The most disconcerting evidence was the presence of numerous towers, similar to radio or communications towers, on which were mounted surveillance cameras and listening devices. We were repeatedly warned to watch what we said, as the British Army and/or the RUC could hear what we were saying; not a very comfortable environment for people who value privacy. The Irish Republic, on the other hand, seems to have a very free and open society. Crime is low, and the Gardai (police) are unarmed. However, the Roman Catholic Church exercises a strong influence on behavioral and moral matters. I was told, though, that tolerance and openness on these issues is becoming more evident as the Republic becomes more interactive with the outside world.
We left Derry and traveled (with several stops) back to the Republic of Ireland, stopping in Bundoran, a coastal resort town, where we remained for two days. The stops included the Ulster-American Folk Park and a tour of the Belleek Pottery Factory. While at Bundoran, we took a side trip to Donegal. From there, we took a return trip to Dublin for a day of sightseeing and shopping, then a swing around the southern coast, hitting Waterford, Killarney, Limerick, Galway, and finally returning to Dublin.
Circumstances did not allow me to make any contact with, or ask too many questions, about, the Irish transgendered community. I would like to have done so in order to satisfy my curiosity as to the degree of acceptance and tolerance for our Irish sisters that exists in the country. I suspect that the life of a cross-dresser in Northern Ireland is difficult at best because of the pervasive surveillance that everyone is under. Similarly, the religious influence in the Republic might make life difficult, although there is a stubborn streak of individuality in the Irish that breeds a healthy skepticism of rules, regulations and convention. I did make two observations that did make me green (pardon the pun) with envy, though:
Many Irish GG's seem larger than American women; not poorly proportioned, mind you, but physically larger. Therefore, women's clothing in larger sizes is more available, and available in a much wider range of styles and types. The availability of fine clothing in Dublin, Belfast, and the other principal cities is the equal of any city in the US, and prices are comparable. Given enough money, I could have easily put together a wardrobe to die for (if I'd only had a bottomless bank account!)
The weather is cooler. The first week required a jacket or long sleeves. Even when it warmed up during the final days of the trip, many women were wearing long sleeved jackets and dresses and collared blouses, especially for business attire. It was an ideal climate for those of us who like the 'businesswoman' look and care to venture forth on occasion in public. As one of our sisters aptly puts it, "Cross-dressing is a winter sport", but I think an 'extended season' would be quite feasible in Ireland.
In summary, Ireland is a wonderful country with friendly people and much to do and see. The landscape varies from plains to mountains to windswept coasts, all breathtakingly beautiful. There is indeed 'forty shades of green'! I'm already planning a return trip sometime in the future. For those of you with the wherewithal to travel, I'd suggest you put Ireland on your list of destinations to consider.
If you were asked what you thought was the single most important thing that must be done well by anyone that is cross-dressing, what would you say? Would you select make-up, wig grooming, clothes selection, gestures and mannerisms, voice or something else?
My choice would be something else. I believe that a positive attitude is the most important factor of all. For unless a crossdresser is convinced that she can do a good job, her presentation is going to be less effective no matter how well she otherwise presents herself. If she acts if she is comfortable with herself and her surroundings when she is out in public, she is going to draw far less attention than would be the case if she looks uncomfortable and constantly avoids all eye contact. People generally accept others at face value, usually not taking the time to question appearances unless something stands out as being out of place. For example, a woman resolutely going about her business may get a passing glance, while one who appears to be insecure and ill at ease will draw considerable attention. The reason for this is the first inclination of others is to question anything that appears wrong or out of place. When they do, they look more closely; and, as a result, are likely to question details that otherwise would go unnoticed.
To consistently project a positive attitude while crossdressed, a CD must truly have a positive attitude about life and her crossdressing, and to have a truly positive outlook, she must feel good about herself and feel confident about her capability to effectively crossdress. To reach this state, a CD must resolve any inner and spousal conflicts, and she will want to develop proficiency in each of the areas required to successfully blend in when she is out in public. It sounds like a lot of work, but each of us has a lifetime to accomplish it. For as we are too keenly aware, the desire to crossdress never goes away.
If you are having problems accepting yourself as a crossdresser, do get help. Life is too short to spend it feeling guilty about something that is so fundamentally a part of you. Besides the American Psychiatric Association in the most recent edition of their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM IV, 1994) classifies crossdressing as normal behavior, so you can stop worrying about whether you are normal or not. True our culture has difficulty handling it, but each of us must separate ourselves from cultural prejudices if we are to achieve self-acceptance. However, at the same time,
we must strike a balance between our needs and the needs of our spouses and what society as a whole will accept.
The positive nature of my attitude has always been rooted in a strong belief in myself. This does not mean that I had an easy time accepting crossdressing as a permanent part of my character. On the contrary, for years, I hung on to he belief that I somehow would be able to eliminate my desire to do it. The result was the all to familiar pattern of periodic purges followed by severe guilt trips after each failed attempt to eradicate the desire for donning feminine apparel and venturing forth in public. However, since I reached out and found Tri-Ess, my situation has changed for the better. I have not experienced a guilt trip for several years, and I do not expect to, as long as I maintain my balance. To paraphrase the lyrics of a popular old song, Tri-Ess has helped me to "accentuate the positive,eliminate the negative and do away with Ms. In-Between."
Hey girls! We really do have a library, one that is available for use by Chapter members. I've included in this month's Newsletter a copy of the original annotated bibliography (in plain language that means what you could expect to find in the book if you read it) of material in our files.
Procedure is simple...e-mail or snail-mail me your request (and be sure to give me a snail-mail address). I'll mail you the material and you either bring it to the next chapter meeting when finished or mail it back to me if you aren't going to be able to make the meeting.
Remember that knowledge is power! And "knowing" about crossdressing from the accepted experts in the field gives you the "power" to be able to understand yourself all the more...as well as to be able to discuss the subject with confidence with those whom you care about.
For those of you who are preparing for that "coming-out session" with your spouse or SO, the best books to have available are Jo Ann Roberts' The Joys of Crossdressing and Peggy Rudd's My Husband Wears My Clothes! A more complex and scientific text if the need for one should arise is the Bulloughs' text. All of these have been read and have been used by Chapter members in helping their spouses and SO's become aware of "the second self." They are tested and have been found to be of great value in these situations.
Allen, J.J., The Man in the Red Velvet Dress (1996). The sine non quon (at least in Becky's humble (?) opinion) of books in the field, at least from a heterosexual crossdresser of many years perspective. The book is easily read, interesting, and there were many times when Becky wondered how Allen got inside of Becky's mind for those supposedly "unique" experiences that apparently 90% or more of us have. Truly, we are not alone! Strongly recommend this book for all--crossdressers and their spouses and significant others (could be an "or" in there but then ) (Personal)
Belenky, Mary et al., Women's Way of Knowing (1986). A study of the ways of knowing that women have cultivated over time. Written from the perspective of four women psychologists and based on the results of their five-year study of American women. Emphasizes the roles that the "five ways of knowing" (silence, received knowledge through listening to others, subjective knowledge, procedural knowledge, and constructed--or integrated--knowledge) aid women in establishing an intimate, egalitarian and collaborative spirit. (Personal)
Bullough, Vern, and Bullough, Bonnie, Crossdressing, Sex, and Gender (1993). An in-depth, scientific, historical study of crossdressing. The authors make a very interesting and enthralling subject (personal bias!) a very dry, esoteric object of their research. However, it is one that should be read by all who are interested in the subject, for whatever reason. Those suffering from insomnia should also read it. . (Personal)
Ekins, Richard , Male Femaling (1997). A new acquisition in Becky's personal library. The following quote is from the jacket "This unique and fascinating book transforms as area of study previously dominated by clinical models [Ed .interesting how there are three "magical" words in that first phrase transforms, dominated, and models pandering to a clientele?] to look instead at cross-dressing and sex-changing as a highly variable social process. Based on years of fieldwork, life history work [Ed whose, I wonder?], qualitative analysis [read: anecdotes], archival work [read: newspaper morgues] and contact with several thousand cross-dressers and sex-changers [read: access to numerous "chat rooms"], the book meticulously and systematically develops a theory of "male femaling" which [Ed poor grammar!] has major ramifications for the field of "transvestitism" and "transsexualism," and for the analysis of sex and gender more generally." (Personal)
Garber, Marjorie, Vested Interests: Cross-dressing and Cultural Anxiety (1992). Parallels Bulloughs' work but in a much more readable format. And also places transvestites in the current scene as rather major players. (Personal)
Gilligan, Carol , In a Different Voice (1982). The classic study of women's development of a sense of ethics, morality, justice, and fairness...most of which are not in sync with the male-dominated way within our western culture. However, the stress is not on what is right and on what is wrong but rather on the perception that there are different perspectives on these matters...if one will, personification of the concept that "beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder." An excellent text and one that goes a long way towards explaining gender differences in the workforce...and on the home front. . (Personal)
Harragan, Betty L., Games Mother Never Taught You (1977). Basically a text written during the peak of feminism that addresses, to quote the publicity blurb, "the specific, unwritten rules for playing, judging and winning the power game...identifies the traditional feminine attitudes that handicap you, confuse and discourage you when you try to cope with daily challenges...and... show how your being a woman can be turned to your advantage and give you an edge over males." Of very limited value...but interesting from a historical (or hysterical?) perspective. (Personal)
Kroeger, Otto & Thuesen, J., Type Talk (1988). The basic text book on the famous Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Otto Kroeger is the most used instructor in this technique of identifying basic personality types, using the Jungian approach. Quite interesting and useful, especially in interpersonal relationships as well as in business dealings. . (Personal)
Lawrence, Gordon, People Types and Tiger Stripes (1986). The MBTI process for teachers and instructors...as the title expresses it: "A practical Guide to Learning Styles." As the Jungian approach used by Myers and Briggs applies evenly and accurately across the genders, both texts (Type Talk) are worth reviewing. . (Personal)
Moir, Anne, and Jessel, D., Brain Sex (1991). Yes, Virginia there are differences between the brain of a woman and the brain of a man. That is the basic conclusion of this text, the result of some twenty year's of research and analysis. We're not talking just physiological differences; we're talking basic differences! Not the best written text but indeed an interesting one and one worth reading, whether one agrees totally with the conclusions or not. . (Personal)
Roberts, Jo Ann, Coping with Crossdressing, 3d Edition (1993). A well-written text for both the crossdresser and his significant other. This is a thin paperback that contains many of the items and perspectives covered at greater length in Peggy Rudd's two major works, My Husbands Wears My Clothes and Crossdressing With Dignity. If you are short on time, money, or available shelf space, this is the one for you. (Two copies)
Rudd, Peggy, My Husband Wears My Clothes! (1993). The classic! This is the first one I read and literally cried as I finally came to understand that there were others with similar drives and interests and that I wasn't weird! Some have said Dr. Rudd is "too understanding" of the crossdresser's perspective and often fails to understand the significant other who learns about this predilection later in the marriage...and that observation is true. However, on its overall merits, Dr. Rudd has done us a great service by being able to explain in nonscientific language (see Bullough and Bullough for that approach) what crossdressing is and who crossdressers are. (Two copies)
Rudd, Peggy, Crossdressing with Dignity (1993). A really helpful book, especially written for Tri-Ess members. It attempts o remove any shadow of a relationship that might be associated in the minds of some with crossdressing and exhibitionists or similar types. A necessary "read" for those who are becoming fully aware of who they are as crossdressers. And this text, along with Dr. Rudd's My Husband Wears My Clothes!, is essential reading material for spouses and significant others once you, the crossdresser, are comfortable with who you are and are now willing to "step out" of the closet to those you hold most closely. (Two copies)
Rudd, Peggy, Crossdressers (1995). Dr. Rudd's latest book and by far her worst. While still understanding and still informative, in my opinion she leans too far to the exhibitionist side of the house. (Please note I said "in my opinion.") Still interesting and informative but I would not place in the "must have" category, and perhaps not even one of those "you should read this one, too, dear" books. (Two copies)
Tannen, Deborah, That's Not What I Meant! (1986). Deborah Tannen's first major work on the subject of interpersonal communications, the power of words, and the lack of understanding. Originally touted as a work on gender communications, this text is, in reality, a deeper look at all interpersonal communications and the roles that gender, age, place of origin, etc. all play in misunderstandings and lack of communications. To borrow a phrase from Cool Hand Luke," she was saying "What we have here is a failure to communicate" and then Walt Kelly with "we is the enemy!" (Personal)
Tannen, Deborah, You Just Don't Understand! (1990). This is the piece on men and women in conversation! Talk about differences in language...reminds me of one of Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes sequences which ends with Calvin making the observation that he and his mother "may be both speaking English but we're not using the same language." (Personal)
Tannen, Deborah, Talking From 9 to 5 (1994). Dr. Tannen carries the intimate, personal conversation "gaps-in-understanding" between men and women into the market place in this text. While well written and interesting, especially for an individual who might teach career development courses related to gender differences in the work force, on the whole it is of limited value--but of some interest--to us. (Personal)
Videos
Title
Presenter
Crossdressing With Dignity Jo Ann Roberts
Basic Makeup Jo Ann Roberts
Art and Illusion: Tricks and Tips Jo Ann Roberts
Tapes (Cassettes)
Dr. Kate Thomas Session with Chi Epsilon Sigma
The Best of Gender Talk September 20, 1995 and April 10, 1996
"Borrowing" Procedures and Policies
In keeping with the conservative idea that a "government best that governs least," we have simple policies and procedures...Understand, you have to be a member in good standing
1) Books and videos are on a meeting-to-meeting, month-long loan, possibly longer if there is no waiting list for that particular book or video.
2) Contact me, Becky (<beckyxd@hotmail.com> or through Grace), for your selection.
3) I'll get it to the next meeting for you.
4) Then you bring it back at the following meeting.
These policies and procedures are subject to change if conditions and situations warrant!