CES Meeting Schedule

December 14 En femme dinner party at a local restaurant

January 25 Fashion Show

February 22 Tips on Makeup and Nails, by Linda and Yvonne Sullivan

March 15 Meeting in Williamsburg with Rho Tau

March 22 "History of Chi Epsilon Sigma", by Grace Gardener, our Founding Sister

May 17 Open forum discussion: "How Do You Explain....."

June 28 TBA

July 26 Picnic

August 23 Picnic

September 20 Dr. Kate Thomas, Gender Therapist

October 25 Halloween Party

November 22 TBA

December 13 Holiday Party

The meetings seem to be getting better and better…and the membership involvement is likewise "getting with it!" Or that was the general feeling following November’s session. There was more than enough food to go around and plenty of conversation to go with it as well. While the announced program would be a round-table discussion based on what has been referred to as the "downside" or the depression related to crossdressing, or lack thereof, that didn’t seem to turn people off as was originally thought it might. On the contrary, the entire format of having quarterly "round-tables" was endorsed by the majority present that evening.

Attending the session were Barb Summers, Barbara Van Horn, Becky Adams, Chrissie and Pattie, Deb, Ellen, Janet Engerman, Janet Tate (prospective member), Julie, Krystal, Leslie and Martha, Marsha and Doneene, Mary Alice, Megen, Pat, Rosemary, Missey and Rene, Shana, Sue and Terri, Terri Andrews, Tiffany, and Tina.

You really had to be there to be able to appreciate the depth of feeling and concern that were expressed by many members as to the subject matter for the evening—"Crossdressing—Blessing or Curse?" There were a whole range of emotions described as well as a number of intensely personal stories as to what it feels like when one realizes that this "condition" is not going to go away even after numerous purges or after marriage or after children or whatever. And then how one goes about dealing with the conflicting feelings, concerns, and worries. The bottom line, however, was that as a result of meeting Chi Epsilon Sigma members and realizing that one is not alone, we all can deal with "it" and get on with our lives—and that we are proud of ourselves and our abilities and talents. Also, while periods of depression may still occasionally bother us, the knowledge that others are as near-by as an e-mail—and that we’ve all experienced the same range of emotions—is reassuring and comforting.

The discussion went on for almost 90 minutes with never a lack of hands in the air, asking for the opportunity to be heard and to offer support to those who might need it. (Several of us commented later that we individually or collectively had never experienced this outpouring of personal stories and concerns within any of our circles of male friends—so there had to be something truly unique about this group that we would be so open and willing to share.) Most helpful to the group were the comments and observations from the spouses—some of whom admitted that as a result of the free ‘give and take" of the discussion they now understood more clearly what was going on in their husbands’ lives when periods of apparent depression—or as one put it so directly, "bitchiness"—set in. This was really and example of what support groups are there to do.

There was agreement that although it was a sensitive subject, especially among some of the spouses, February’s round-table should address the subject of "what next…if anything?" This would be an approach to the answer to the question all spouse have of "where is this going to end?" More details will follow as we approach that meeting.

The discussion ended about 9:30 but the gathering continues until well after 11:00 pm…again thanks to all who came and who shared…it was all sincerely appreciated by all who were there.

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The Executive Board of Chi Epsilon Sigma (CES) chapter of Tri-Ess International met at 5:30 pm on November 23, 2002, prior to the monthly chapter meeting in the adjoining room to the Conference Room. The following members were present: Marsha Edwards, Terri Andrews, and Becky Adams.

The Acting Treasurer reported that the bank balance on October 31, 2002, was $3,950.36. The CD balance (reserve for start-up of a new spin-off chapter when membership levels in the York area merit such action) was $1071.35. (This CD was established three years ago using donations from four charter members and designed as a capital reserve fund.) Some $900 would be obligated for meetings in December, January, February, and March this coming week. Becky said that she had already made arrangements with the hotel for those dates and for the use of the Presidential Suite on December 14 as a changing room prior to the dinner. In response to the President’s request from the previous Board meeting, Becky noted that to date there were only 51 members who had paid dues for 2002-2003, 27 of whom also had Tri-Ess National membership numbers. Then, as acting Secretary, Becky announced that she would publish an updated membership e-mail address list during the coming week.

The minutes of the last Board meeting were reviewed with the only Old Business to address being the report on current membership that had been asked for by the President.

President Marsha asked for a report on the Christmas Party signup—Becky replied that as of that afternoon there were 25 on the active list and that several had indicated during the on-going Social Hour that they wanted to sign up so Becky was pretty sure that the Chapter would meet the required 27 participants.

Under New Business Marsha raised the possibility of Chapter members joining the Rho Tau Chapter in March for their fashion show. She said that she would make an announcement during the business portion of the meeting as to the details of the Rho Tau gathering.

Marsha would also look into the dinner theater offerings for the month of February and see what can be initiated for another opportunity to dine out as a group.

With no further Old or New Business being raised the meeting adjourned at 6:00 pm.

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It was on the morning of Thursday, August 20, 1857, also known as "Steamer Day" in San Francisco, that Adeline and Ansel Easton arrived at the Vallejo Street Wharf after a morning wedding. They were packed and ready for their Honeymoon trip to New York.

The wife usually did the packing, as was the custom of the day. When she closed and locked the trunk she could not have envisioned that the next time that it would be unlocked and opened would be over one and one half centuries and a continent away.

The couple boarded the "Sonora", a side wheel paddle and sailing ship, which took them to Panama City on the West Coast of the Isthmus of Panama. There they boarded the newly constructed railroad that took them to Aspinwall on the East Coast of the Isthmus.

At Aspinwall, Adeline and Ansel boarded the "Central America", also a side wheel paddle sailing ship. This was a luxury passenger ship at that time. The ship sailed for New York after stopping at Havana.

Off the coast of South Carolina, the Central America encountered a severe hurricane that resulted in the foundering of the ship. All of the women, crossdressers and children were rescued by the passing Brig named the "Marine", but most of the men perished. The Central America sank in water about a mile and one half deep and remained there until discovered 131 years later.

This ship carried a huge cargo of gold in the form of ingots, coins, nuggets and dust mined from Western gold fields. This loss helped to cause the "Panic of 1857" because Eastern banks were depending on this gold shipment to back the money that they were printing.

Besides salvaging the tons of gold, other items were brought up from the wreck as well. This included the passenger’s trunks with the Easton trunk being the first to be recovered. The trunks were placed in translucent containers filled with seawater on the ocean floor. These same containers were transported to the Department of Consumer and Textile Sciences in the College of Human Ecology at Ohio State University. Each garment and paper artifact was removed from the trunks, unfolded or unrolled in distilled water while supported by a screen. The screens and textiles were then placed in a freezer at minus 19 degrees Fahrenheit for three or four weeks. The dry garments were then studied in a climate-controlled laboratory for chemical and physical changes.

Experts studied the fashion styles and how the garments were made. This tells us about the clothing in the 1850’s, but also about what people packed for a cruise. Among the items salvaged and studied were Adeline’s two morning robes. The first one was of linen and was worn during the morning hours to receive guests, but not to be worn on the street. The second one was of only a few garments recovered that were made of a printed fabric.

This information came from the chapter entitled "Historical Textiles Research" in the book by Tommy Thompson named, "America’s Lost Treasure"--The Ship of Gold published by The Atlantic Monthly Press, New York. Theresa and I urge all readers to buy or borrow this most interesting and exciting book.

Among our collection of 32 rare gold coins, Theresa and I own three gold coins that were salvaged from the Central America. One is a one Troy ounce, 1857 $20.00 coin from the San Francisco Mint that is in Mint State (uncirculated) condition and was one of the gold coins in the shipment for the Eastern Banks. The other gold coins belonged to the passengers or crew and were minted in earlier years at the New Orleans and Philadelphia mints. The book tells the entire story of the Central America; its discovery and the salvage operation.

Finally, Ansel Eaton survived when he was pulled out of the ocean by the crew of the Bark "Ellen". He and Adeline lived for many years and had children.

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A thread fascinated me at our November meeting where we discussed the "downside" of being TG (or a crossdresser, if you’ll only go that far with me.) The topic of shame sparked some lively discussion. I sensed a few responses were a bit quick to deny shame and embrace pride. (Myself included.) For me this issue of shame is important to face. Ellen suggested shame as punishment that reduces guilt. In most of our behaviors I think this is useful construct, but it is incomplete for me when I try to apply it to being TG. I think that is because my "sin" isn't a singular event I can get past, and I’m not repentant. So, our "guilt" is perpetual. If we experience shame and remain "guilty" we may fall into a trap of an ever-escalating cycle of guilt and shame. The ultimate outcome of such a cycle could be tragic. Perhaps one way of dealing with that is to deny there is any of either. The dynamics at our meeting were fascinating, but I could tell I wasn’t the only one who was struggling.

So, shame or pride with being TG? We could just as easily ask if I am ashamed or prideful in being white, five foot four inches tall and male. I did nothing to earn those distinctions anymore than I did anything to earn being TG. Curse or gift? That's almost a pointless question because it assumes a "rightness" or "wrongness" for something that simply is. Many at our meeting claimed "pride" and denied "shame." Still, none said they went out of their way to inform casual acquaintances or even friends and family of their special "gift." Usually, the given reason was there was no compelling need to tell them. But that is exactly what "pride" doesn't require. Pride suggests good news that we share with joy and without reservation. I personally haven't arrived at that point in my own life.

So I choose to take a safer route that declares neither pride nor shame for that which I did not earn. My middle of the road stance allows me to react calmly and without guilt to inadvertent outings (such as being in the Baptist Medical Center Emergency Room in North Little Rock, AR with just my panties and no body hair), but it relieves me of the responsibility of demanding the general acceptance I really want but am afraid to ask for openly.

To borrow from a Biblical passage, I do worry a bit that being "neither hot nor cold" I will be spat out. My only conscious guilt and shame comes from knowing with all my heart that I have so many invisible and unknown sisters struggling to come to terms with who they are. Our group is populated mostly by "mature" sisters who struggled alone for decades to achieve a measure of peace. For everyone in our group there are ten or fifty or a hundred more in our area still searching for peace. I'm at nearly at the point where my primary discomfort is not finding them and making a difference in their lives.

So, a blessing or a curse? Shame or pride? Is it both or neither? For me "being TG" is neither. It just is. How I choose to live with my "TG’ness" is where I can take pride or feel shame. Perhaps it is both a blessing and curse that what really matters are the choices I make in the life I live and the lives I touch.

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Fitzgerald

Rubayiat of Omar Khayyam

So why not take up journaling? Journaling? Okay, okay—that’s a grownup word for what many girls do—keeping a diary. So why not keep a diary?

There are a good number of reasons to do so, especially those of us with dual natures and slightly different perspectives on life than either our brothers or sisters who are not "blessed" with this second self. For example, keeping a journal of our emotions and thoughts will, over time, help us discover who we are and how we truly perceive things and people around us. It will also help clarify our thoughts and feelings by getting in touch with our inner voice and—believe it or not—our intuition. Keeping a diary will also help us release feelings within us and thus relieve, perhaps, these feelings of turmoil and stress that we all encounter. Essentially, keeping a journal or a diary increases our awareness of our total world that impacts on us—inner as well as outer.

Many jokes have been made about writers sharpening pencils, rearranging papers on the desk, re-sharpening the pencils and on and on—never getting started. So the first place to begin is to choose your style of journal—a blank book, a spiral notebook, note cards—whatever works for you of course but more importantly what fits you! And select a comfortable writing instrument…not a keyboard! The "pain" associated with taking a writing instrument such as a pencil or pen up and putting something down on a piece of paper, something that cannot be deleted with the press of a key, focuses the mind and assists in the therapy that journaling is designed to provide.

There are two frames of mind as to the "when" you make your daily or weekly entries in your diary. One—generally regarded as the anally retentive—says make your entries at the same time every day…the other, using a stream of consciousness, says "do it when the muse strikes!" Your call…after all, it’s your diary.

But whenever you do it, be sure you have the time to do it right…date your entries, write quickly and don’t worry about penmanship or spelling—you’re the only one (hopefully) who’ll read what’s been entered. That parenthetical adverb is a key point—protect your privacy! If you don’t, you’ll find yourself censoring what you write and thereby you will both avoid the pain of self-realization and the joy of self-realization. And when you do write, consider some feedback statements such as "From this I learned…" or "This reaction caused me to consider…" But above all write the way you always do…write the way you think!

There are a number of different techniques you can consider—either adopting one to use as a theme or mix and match like you do your skirts and blouses. Write whatever occurs to you—"real" writers call that "stream of consciousness." Then the ENTJ’s could develop lists of things you did or felt during the day…and then write down what you learned from making that list. Then there’s a technique we call "ballooning." In the center of a page write a single word or a phrase and then spin off of it with associated words or phrases, connecting each addition to the preceding word or phrase with a line…sort of like a string on a balloon. There are always springboards you could use…like "I am excited about…" or questions like "Where am I in my life right now?"

Or you could capture a moment or a memory…but you’ve got to move fast to capture it in the proper frame—you really never know how one’s memory plays tricks on you or rationalizes things away over time. Pick a theme…or select a fantasy and expand on either. Or—if you are really a writer at heart—write an unsent letter…these can lead to closures, experiencing feelings, expressing frustrations, anger, any number of emotions that, when you come back and read your entries at a later time—which you’ll want to do—may help explain some things to you. And one level higher in the exercise of the creative mind—develop a creative conversation between yourself and another person—perhaps an unknowing spouse or significant other, or between yourself and your body or between your two selves…the world is out there for you to invent.

Feminine characteristics include an awareness of and an ability to freely express emotions—the "freely" is, however, frequently inhibited by society, mores, or external situations. A private journal or diary provides an outlet for such emotions, especially for those of us who find ourselves portraying one self to the outside world when we know that there’s another self inside that is just as valid—if not more so—than the one that others see.

So go journal! Be that "moving finger"…and be aware that once written you will not want all your "tears wash out a word of it."

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Dear Sisters and Friends,

Our membership audit for the last quarter shows a very large increase in Tri-Ess membership in the area for which CES is responsible. You are truly to be congratulated for the diligence and hard work that made this increase possible. As our Society grows, we will be able to accomplish much more, and you can take pride in those accomplishments, for they are really yours. Thank you for a wonderful quarter! May you always bloom and grow!

Love,
Jane Ellen Fairfax

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When I was a new member in Tri-Ess, my "Big Sister" told me in an e-mail that her "Big Sister" had her get dressed then leave her home and go to her home. She considers that day, September 9^th to be her femme birthday. Being somewhat of a copycat, I decided that the first time that I appeared in front of other sisters would be my femme birthday too. I did walk out of my front door fully dressed, but at a much later time.(See my article in the Fall 2002 Mirror entitled "Bitten By A Chinese Panda") This is not easy for me to accomplish because directly across the street live a father and son who are members of the same fire company that I am a member of.

My Femme Birthday was on July 28, 2001 and was at the monthly meeting of Sigma Nu Rho in New Jersey. What a thrill it was for me to be dressed and to step out of the dressing room and meet my sisters in that chapter.

I remembered the date of my Big Sister’s femme birthday so last September I went to a card store and bought the most feminine birthday card for a sister that I could find. I sent it in enough time to arrive on time and I included a copy of a recent photo of me.

Last year at a CES Halloween party a dear sister of mine had her first femme birthday so I sent her a feminine sister card as well. I think that I will continue this practice, but if my list begins to grow I may have to send femme birthday greetings by e-mail. If you like my idea then please let me know. You may have to guess at what date your femme birthday is, but that is good enough.

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Hi ya'll,

I am putting together a resource guide for shopping. So if any of you have a favorite store or shop (or catalog) and would like everyone else to know about it, please drop me a line. Send me as much information as you have, such as what they sell, store name, location, address, phone number, email address, internet address, names of owner or proprietor, what they sell, if you think prices are low/fair/high, if they are TG friendly (can go into the store en femme, or at least try stuff on in the store en drab), availability of different sizes, i.e., petite, plus, talls, etc, etc, …

Thank you,

Shana Roberts

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Our mothers just seem to be full of great advice. The age old, but heartfelt admonition to always wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident never really "spoke" to me. Well, until a couple of weeks ago. And it wasn’t quite an accident for that matter. In any case, here’s the story (or, perhaps the lack of one) you might find interesting.

I have history of kidney stones. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I’d always managed to engage the little buggers at home. But this time I was traveling on business in (serious irony here….) North Little Rock, Arkansas when the pangs started. Some compare kidney stone pain to childbirth. Women won’t cut you much slack in the pain stories. But what women usually omit is the fact that by the time delivery is imminent the woman’s body has been literally soaking in endorphins for two weeks. Nature isn’t so graceful with kidney stones. It’s a bit like Barry Bonds taking his best swing at your back with his best bat, but somehow the moment of impact just goes on forever.

The pain will usually recede after what seems like time without end. During a respite I determined I could make it to the airport and my 0915 flight back to D.C. I eased my rental car onto I-40 and within five minutes it became abundantly clear the airport was out of the question. It took me about fifteen minutes to get turned around and started towards the Baptist Medical Center that was right next to the hotel I had stayed at. I was beginning to think just living for the next fifteen minutes wasn’t much of a bargain. It’s a wonder I didn’t break the steering wheel off considering the death grip I had on it. In retrospect I’m glad it was cool and the car windows were up. Otherwise, I’m sure they could have heard me screaming in Oklahoma City. Other drivers on I-40 had no idea how endangered they were by my presence.

Mercifully, I finally pulled into the hospital parking lot and walked (well, dragged myself) into the emergency room. When the pain is down to a "seven" you can communicate between gasps. It’s not pretty, but, frankly pretty isn’t what you’re thinking about at the moment. As the pain ratcheted up to a near perfect ten I found my verbal expression was continuous and very assertive. Some would consider non-stop sobbing less than manly. I rarely feel "manly" anyway, but at the moment I would have settled for mostly "human."

Now here’s where my story really is going. You see, when I travel I just never take any men’s underwear with me. Also, I just loath body hair and don’t take much to that with me either. So when they say "Take off everything but your underwear, including you tee-shirt," I did what any good patient in serious agony would do. I peeled off everything but my underwear. I was aware this might be embarrassing, but I was way passed caring. True, my underwear was clean, but they were nylon panties with really nice lace trim around the waist and legs. I should have wondered if my mother would be proud of my clean underwear, but it didn’t really cross my mind right then.

In the next seven hours I was tended by four or five ladies and a male doctor. Not one of them even once blinked, murmured, muttered, made a comment or showed even a hint of recognition about my underwear. Every one of them was as nice as I could possibly have asked for.

By 3:30 PM they agreed the morphine was washed out enough to let me drive myself to the airport. I made it home feeling awful and after another emergency room day back home (this time in plain cotton men’s briefs) I subsisted on Percoset and Motrin for a week.

I suppose there are at least a couple of morals to this story. First, wearing clean underwear is just a good idea. You never know when you’ll be compelled to let others see them. Second, it seems other people are just not as interested in your underwear as you imagine they will be. Still, I wouldn’t press my luck. I’d stick with plain white and avoid bight colors with teddy bears. In any case, I’ve decided the world is a little nicer and more tolerant than I previous believed.

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Actually this is about Terri and Rachel. And it has a better ending than "Thelma and Louise". But I get ahead of myself.

Holiday En Femme is Tri-Ess’ annual get away weekend, with the opportunity to dress en femme for several days in a row. The program includes workshops, vendors, sightseeing, theater, clubs, etc. All the things a girl loves to dress up and do. This year it was hosted by the New York City Area chapter, Chi Delta Mu.

Wanting to get an early start, Terri and I arrived on Wednesday. The organized events didn’t really begin until Thursday, when 17 of us crowded into a van for an evening in Greenwich Village with dinner at the famous "Lips" dinner club. At "Lips" all of the wait staff are in drag. Just our kind of place! The girls waiting tables are all professional performers who provide the floor show. Our emcee was none other than the edgy Joan Rivers! The all star lineup she presented included Reba McIntire, Dollie Parton, Cindy Lauper, Patti Labelle, and Cher. Fabulous show!

The next day, Terri and I decided one city just wasn’t enough for us. So we decided to look for adventure in Atlantic City. Arriving with no reservations, and little in the way of a plan, we inquired at one of the casino hotels and found what the definition of high roller is. Fortunately, we found Days Inn right across the street from the casino and on the boardwalk. Their rates were more aligned with the size of our pocketbooks. And George, the desk clerk, was only too happy to help us. He was very sweet, really, helping us with information and suggestions on things to see and do in Atlantic City.

Of course what you do in Atlantic City is gamble and go to shows. We weren’t much on gambling, and the Englebert Humperdinck show was already sold out. So we see out in search of entertainment and found this fabulous jazz combo playing in Caesar’s Palace. After an hour or so enjoying the jazz, we set out again. We had heard of a TG friendly place nearby, and thought they might have a show on Friday night.

We arrived at Club Tru about 9:30 PM only to find they don’t open until 10:00 PM. That’s a true night club! About the time we found the door locked, a lady walked up and asked us what we were looking for. She said we could go with her to the gay bar next door until the club opened. She introduced herself as Sonny, and said she was straight but she liked going to gay dance clubs because "Those gay boys dance sooo good!" We blurted out something about we were straight too. She looked us over with a sly smile, "Oh, sure you are!"

Sonny became our mentor for the evening. She made sure we got properly introduced and were served our drinks. Then she insisted on giving us a personal tour of the whole operation, including Club Tru, a karaoke bar on the top floor, and the adjacent hotel. We found the entire place catered to a younger crowd than us, so we didn’t stay too long after the DJ started his gig.

The next day called for new adventure. Philadelphia was beckoning. So after our elegant brunch at Mickey D’s, we headed West with little more in the way of a plan than the roadmap. Being connoisseurs of fine hotels, we found a Microtel that met our exacting needs. Then we decided that being in Ben Franklin Town, we had to go touristing. So off we went to Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, Carpenter’s Hall, and the Ben Franklin Museum. We spent the entire afternoon rubbing shoulders with the throngs of other tourists in town to soak up some history. (If you haven’t been to Philadelphia lately, the National Park Service has recently developed some really nice interpretive exhibits.)

We knew there was alternative lifestyle night life in Philadelphia, but we didn’t find anything that could top "Lips" or Sonny at Club Tru. But we did have an elegant dinner at Bookbinders (famous for their turtle soup). We searched around for a TG friendly place after dinner. At one point we walked into what we knew was a gay bar. But it was unlike anything I have ever seen. There were probably a hundred men paired off along two different bars. That made two hundred eyes directly on us as we surveyed the place and decided very quickly it was not where we wanted to be!

So we chose to end our evening by having a night cap in a couple of hotel bars near our hotel. We remarked about what a wonderful day it had been, being invisible in crowds of people.

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