Reciprocal Agreement with Rho Tau Chapter
Thanksgiving for Chi Epsilon Sigma, by Tammy Thomas
Girl Talk, by Becky Adams
Lucy's Window, by Lucy Stone
Random Musings: A Fairytale Wedding, by Nicole Thomas
The Laser Razor, Part II, by Rachel Rene Boyd
Book Worm Becky reviews Male Femaling by Richard Ekins
Rachel Rene Boyd
Newsletter Editrix
By Tammy Thomas
Somehow just saying I'm thankful does not adequately describe what I've found during the past year. Everyone in our Chapter has been so nice to us. I have memories of many sleepless nights, crying through my frustrations, not knowing where this was going and wondering why I was compelled to continue.
It wasn't until the first time I spoke to Grace that I really felt that I was not alone. Grace opened the door for me. Inside there were so many fine, intelligent people, that I started to feel good about myself. I learned how this makes Sandy feel. I learned what my responsibilities are for us to reach a common ground to lay the cornerstone of understanding. We are building on that stone and it's okay to take our time and make changes in the floor plan as required as we grow and learn more about each others feelings.
Thankful, Grateful, Ecstatic, Peaceful. I could go on, but I just can't seem to find one right word to describe what has happened in the past year. Thanks to all of you for helping me start to understand myself.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. May our chapter continue to grow and reach out to more sisters who need our help.
Take care,
Tammy and Sandy
Taci was killed in the Belair Edison neighborhood of Baltimore. Police said it is unclear whether anything was stolen from Taci, or why she was killed. Other victims of the crime spree reported being threatened with a phrase similar to: "Give me your money or I'll kill you."
Taci, a former Baltimore schoolteacher, and was active in the transsexual community and was a leader of Tranquility, the Gay and Lesbian Community Center for people interested in changing their gender. Police said they have no evidence to suggest a motive other than attempted robbery.
"As far as the work Taci did for the transgender community, she was a true community activist," said Michael Linnemann, a friend of the victim and the center's coordinator. "It will definitely be a loss, but hopefully people will come forward to finish the work that she started."
Taci also had lobbied in Annapolis on hate crime bills and fought for the legal right for people to change their names and gender designation on driver's licenses.
Taci was en femme when attacked as she walked home from the European Union, a bar she frequented in the 4200 block of Belair Road.
DiCaprio vs. Connery...A Key to Acceptance?
Saw an interesting article a couple of weeks ago that purported to demonstrate that GG's are "attracted" to different physiques and facial appearances based on their ovulation cycle. Honestly, that was what the study said...I am not playing the role of the feminine version of Dave Barry.
The thesis of this study was that when at the peak of fertility, a GG found a Sean Connery more appealing than a Leonard DiCaprio...ostensibly because Sean "portrayed" a more rugged defender of home and hearth and a more dependable provider of provisions than the softer, gentler Leonard did. And why are you not surprised to hear that when the peak of fertility had passed for the remaining 21 days of the cycle (give or take a few), Leonard, with his more compassionate and gentler appearance was found to be the more likeable and appealing to the majority of GG participants?
Assuming the thesis put forth in this study was indeed valid, perhaps that is why crossdressers appear to be accepted more by older women than we are by younger ones. Most definitely a "guy-in-a-gown" cannot be seen as a key provider of provisions and stalwart defender of the hearth and home! But the attributes we do possess--a sense of compassion rather than indifference, of inclusion rather than selfishness, of gentleness rather than rudeness, of cooperation rather than competition--may be more to the liking of the woman who has "been there, done that, but did not get the tee-shirt."
If that is the case, then maybe we should focus on our feminine selves and continue to exercise and demonstrate those characteristics and attributes just noted...a life that is full of compassion, inclusiveness, gentleness, and cooperation is lot more enjoyable for all than the obverse.
Looking Toward 2000
Everyone in our community is aware of the parallel threads that surface when members of the cross-dressing community get together, either in person or on the Internet, to talk about the problems with which we are coping. Each of us has experienced or currently is experiencing very great difficulties, and this is true both for cross-dressers, and the significant others of cross-dressers. More than once, you undoubtedly have thought that another person's experiences parallel yours. Not only are you likely to find similar incidences to those you have encountered, but you also are likely to hear recurring themes. It is these themes that I think might be worth while to reexamine. For each theme appears to me to be very representative of problems that each of us encounter as we try to understand the impact of cross-dressing on our lives. How well we handle the underlying problems may well determine whether we are able to forge the basis for a lifetime of happiness, or we are going to be doomed to a lifetime of despair.
It has become very apparent to me that each of us, CD and SO, are working the same basic problems from different perspectives. Each is struggling to understand, and at the same time offload the baggage of a lifetime of exposure to societal biases. Neither would have voluntarily chosen to have anything to do with cross-dressing. While neither probably totally understand what their partner is going through, they often can benefit by working through their concerns together.
When cross-dressing enters the picture, the success of a continuing relationship is dependent on the couple achieving a balance both can sustain. Emotions often run high. It is easy for one member of the relationship to get hung up on what their partner said in a moment of anger. There are periods when either partner will feel that they cannot endure another moment related to cross-dressing. A wife may feel that that she just doesn't want to deal with it, while her husband may wish he could drop dead. However, through all of the difficulty, it is important to allow each moment filled with negative emotion to pass, and then to press on. And the biggest rule is to communicate. Too often, one partner will assume what the other is thinking. When this happens, constructive progress is in grave danger of being set back or derailed. Probably one of the worst cop-outs is to say, "I just want what my partner wants" without any real conviction. This approach appears destined to produce negative emotions, discontent and stress.
The sustainable balance that accommodates the needs and expectations of each partner is as varied as the possible combinations of marriage partners. What works for one couple may not work for anyone else. Where each of us is along our personal journeys to achieve an acceptable balance with our marriage partners probably has a lot to do with the relative amounts of pain or happiness each of us currently is experiencing. As we approach the start of a new year, perhaps it would be especially useful to review common problem areas with the goal of adopting realistic new-year's resolutions that could help you improve the quality of your life.
On Sunday November 21, 1999 I had one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. I was lucky enough to be invited to attend a cross dresser's wedding. It was a "Two Bride" ceremony, Debbie M. marrying Debbie H. Yes, two brides named Debbie. I wasn't sure if I should sit on the bride's side or the bride's side (Debbie's side or Debbie's side perhaps?)
I started to write this article the night after the wedding. I've struggled with how to mold my impressions into a coherent story. I finally decided to give up in defeat. Instead I'm recounting those things and feeling which had the most impact on me. No real attempt to link them together. The column isn't named "Random Musings" for nothin'!
Except for the fact that there were two brides, in most ways it was a conventional wedding. The brides were accompanied by bridesmaids, Maureen (GG) and Kelly (CD), looking lovely in maroon. In attendance were about 12 GG's, 30-40 CD girls, and about 6 guys. They even had a minister of some sort.
I was more moved by this wedding than by any other that I can remember. The emotions on display seemed to go far beyond that at a conventional wedding. On Saturday, Debbie M. pledged her love and support to John. On Sunday she pledged the same to Debbie. The vows at a conventional wedding certainly have meaning, but they're common-place. For Debbie M. to make these vows, knowing full well about John's cross dressing, and choosing to embrace it, is a greater magnitude of promise. It was very moving. I've always been a sentimental guy (I cried at the last M*A*S*H episode) but I've never cried at weddings. Last night I teared up and would have cried... but I didn't want to ruin my makeup. For me it was a life-affirming event.
Any kind of love is a risk; a risk that you will love without being loved in return. For a cross dresser the risk is even greater. If she loves the man, will she also love the woman? Do I care enough about this woman and this relationship to take hat risk? This wedding shows me there is always hope.
The ceremony was followed by a lovely reception. Although many danced, there weren't too many takers for the slow numbers.
I was dying to catch the bouquet (actually there were 2; both brides threw a bouquet). I didn't catch a bouquet, but I did end up with a garter. For my effort, I got to be in a picture with Debbie, Debbie, and the other bouquet and garter catchers. I hope that I can get a copy of the picture.
For me this event was a high in a year full of personal firsts and achievements. Some day I hope that you'll be able to attend my wedding.
This is the second in a series of articles about Rachel's experience with laser beard removal. In these articles she traces both the technological and emotional aspects of the process. Last month she told us about how she made the decision to have her beard removed. This month she describes the first of four scheduled treatments.
Today I had my first laser hair removal treatment on my beard. It was similar to going to the dentist to get a tooth filled.
I had scheduled the treatment in the morning. That way I could arrive with enough unshaved stubble to absorb and conduct the laser's heat. The doctor had given me a prescription anesthetic cream to apply to my face before my appointment. It's the same material the dentist uses to numb your gums a little before injecting novocaine. So when I arrived at his office my entire face felt like the inside of your mouth after a visit to the dentist.
The doctor's assistant applied another treatment of the anesthetic cream. As she did, she said she suggested to her husband that he get his beard laser treated. She only sees him in the evenings after his beard stubble is grown out, and often he doesn't shave at all on weekends. She would like his beard removed so he would "look good when I'm with him." Maybe she was saying that to put me at ease. But I chose to believe her statement suggests the lack of a beard does not reduce a man's attractiveness to a woman.
The doctor and his assistant then continued by cooling my skin as much as possible with a wet towel. The laser will tend to heat the skin, so starting with it as cool as possible reduces the redness that could occur. Next they applied a lubricant and began the laser treatment. The laser is like a light pen, with a tip that's about 1/4 inch in diameter. The laser pulses once per second, as the doctor moves it back and forth across the area being treated. Each pulse feels like a rubber band snapping you in the face. It's uncomfortable, but not unbearable. As soon as the laser was applied to my face, there was the distinct smell of burning hair. The doctor treated half of my face before stopping the first time after no more than two to three minutes. We paused for a few minutes to take some documentary pictures, and then he did the other half. The actual treatment time for my whole face was no more than 5-8 minutes.
After the treatment, the assistant applied another cream to sooth and heal the skin. The skin tends to be a little red after treatment, and there is always the possibility of slight blistering. I scheduled my day so I wouldn't have to go back to work after the treatment if that happened. As it turned out, I was only slightly red, but the final application of the cream left my face very shiny. It looked like I had applied cold cream to remove makeup, but didn't wipe it off. That was sure to raise questions back at work, so I chose to stay home for a couple of hours. After that time, I washed my face and looked presentable enough to go back to work. The doctor said it would not be necessary to shave the next day. The treated beard stubble was dead from the treatment and would rub off in a day or so. However, I chose to shave it off very carefully the day of the treatment using an electric razor. That worked well for me, but I can imagine some people's skin might be too raw to suffer even an electric razor for a day or two.
The next test was to assess the effectiveness of this treatment. Encouraged by the process, I made an appointment for six weeks hence to take the second of four scheduled treatments.
After that initial treatment, I had to decide whether to continue with additional treatments. My doctor said it would take at least four treatments for complete removal of my beard. He also admitted he did not have a lot of experience with removing male facial hair, so it might take more treatments, or it might not be successful at all. One of my crossdressing friends had quite firmly told me that laser hair removal was a waste of money. He had significant re-growth of his beard following laser treatment.
My plan was to examine my beard after the first treatment, and then make my decision about whether to proceed. After all, my results might be different from my friend's. If I experienced a significant reduction in my beard after one treatment, that would be encouragement to continue. If not, I should save my money for something I could really enjoy, like a new wardrobe.
It took several days after the first treatment for all of the dead hair to be naturally expelled from the follicles. Only after that could I judge the efficacy of the initial treatment. Examining my beard carefully after about a week, I could notice some reduction on my cheeks and my moustache area. Was it a 25 percent reduction? Maybe. But I could see no reduction at all on my chin, where my beard is the heaviest. That's the area where I shave, and shave, and shave, and still have to use a lot of makeup.
So now I am faced with the choice. Observation tells me the first laser treatment was not as effective as I had hoped. The doctor does not have much (or any) experience with male beard removal. And my friend said it didn't work for him. Logic tells me this process does not have a high probability of success. But I keep dwelling on the thought that it might be successful if I just persevere. My thoughts persistently come back to the desire to eliminate the beard if at all possible. So I decide to press on in the face of uncertain results--to go the Full Monty. After all, I will never know what could have been, if I don't go through the entire course of treatment. It will forever nag me if I stop now. I begin to rationalize laser treatments have to be at least somewhat effective. Even if the treatments only reduce the amount of beard, that will make it easier to get a clean shave and reduce the amount of makeup I have to wear. In the final analysis, the decision was made on an emotional basis, not a logical one. That makes me realize most of my decisions about my transgender behavior are made emotionally.
Book Review by Becky Adams
Male Femaling
A Grounded Theory Approach to Cross-Dressing and Sex-Changing
By Richard Ekins
Okay, all you doubting Thomases out there, doubting there is any real scientific "cause-and-effect"relationships related to crossdressing, here's the book for you! It is really one that is in the genre of Bullough and Bullough's work--translated into American (the author is English...) that means this is a scientific study of "male femaling." Ekins defines "male femaling" as "males who wear the clothes of the opposite sex for the pleasure it gives them (cross-dressers) or who wish to change sex and are actively going about it (sex-changers)." And he uses a little known (outside of social work and education) qualitative theory for his research--that of grounded theory.
"Grounded theory" is an effort to generate a reason or theory that would account"for a pattern of behavior, which is relevant...for those involved." In simpler language, grounded theory attempts to develop a theory rather than be guided or constrained by prior theories. And it is not statistically based, no bean counting. It is a qualitative study, anecdotal in nature, but in search of a theory that brings all of the anecdotal material together.
This is not a casual read...it is not one for a book discussion group either. It is one, though, for the more secure (in herself), the more committed (to the life style), and/or the more questioning ("where is all this going?" or "why me, Lord?") crossdresser. It is a difficult read (and not just because the author uses English in a way that most of us are not accustomed to...) and can be taken in only small doses, with a great amount of reading something, reading it again, thinking about it and re-reading yet a third time.
Ekins develops three major modes of male femaling--body, erotic, and gender. He also describes five phases in the staged career path of a male femaler--beginning, fantasy, doing, constituting, and consolidating. And he doesn't claim to have all of the answers. In fact, his conclusions end up with ten major areas in the field where he thinks much more research and analysis is required.
But the key point Ekins has made is noted in his conclusion. "People often think that male femaling is a rather minority and unimportant matter. In fact, it is both widespread and fundamental to each of our lives [meaning all of us, not just male femalers]." And his seventeen years of intimate study of the field and its practitioners bears out the validity of this simple statement.
If you are interested in obtaining your own copy of this book, the author and title are as above, the ISBN number is 0-415-10625-7, and it can be obtained through Barnes and Noble. If you are really interested but cheap, I'll send you my own copy for review...as long as you promise to return it!
Page Created: January 1, 2000