The Wild Rose of the Chesapeake
Vol. 3, No. 2
February, 2000
This Month's Features:
Reciprocal Agreement with Rho Tau Chapter
Rememberances, by Juli Pryor
Telling the Kids, by Barbara Van Horn
Girl Talk, by Becky Adams
COMMUNICATING or Just Talking? by Joan Stone
We Can't Tell Him! by Maureen Henley
The Laser Razor, Part IV, by Rachel Rene Boyd
Random Musings: Fearlessness vs. Determination, by Nicole Thomas
Bookworm Becky, by Becky Adams
Dear Dr. Laura, by Nicole Thomas
Lucy's Window: On Marital Relationships, by Lucy Stone
Movie Review, by Paula Evans
From the Editrix
My Dear Sisters,
This month's Wild Rose is packed full of the adventures of Chi Epsilon Sigma sisters. Paula gets a makeover in New York City, Maureen and Barbara tell us about coming out to family and friends, and Becky is flying all over everywhere in stealth en femme. And once you have read The Wild Rose cover to cover, Becky and Paula give us several suggestions for further reading in the crossdressing literature.
We are pleased that two of our newest sisters have joined the editorial staff by submitting their first articles. Welcome to Juli Pryor and Barbara Van Horn.
This newsletter is a labor of love for each of our contributing editrixes. Please join the staff by submitting your own insights into the world of crossdressing. You can send your input to RRBoyd@aol.com, or R. R. Boyd, P.O. Box 2252, Ashburn, VA 20146-9152.
Rachel Rene Boyd
Newsletter Editrix
We have reciprocal arrangement with our sisters at Rho Tau, the Richmond Tidewater Chapter, which allows us to attend each other's meeting and events at member costs. However, we are not considered voting members with respect to chapter business. The cost is half the normal membership rate, in other words $18/$24 individual/couple. If you
are interested in being an affiliate member of Rho Tau, please send your check to Rho Tau, PO Box 13244, Chesapeake, VA 23325-0244. Rho Tau meets the third Saturday of each month.
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By
Juli Pryor
Remembrances
.....as a young boy of eight, my mother making me a skirt. I remark, "Mom, this is so good that it will last me 10 years." She said, "Nonsense. You will be interested in girls then, and you won't be
interested in dressing as a girl!"
Remembrances
.....as a young man of sixteen, with centerfolds of a popular men's magazine adorning the walls of my bedroom, putting on a girl's gym suit and feeling SO GOOD!
Remembrances
.....as a young man of twenty-four, feeling my wife's clothing and, actually rather surreptitiously, trying them on and feeling SO GOOD!
Remembrances
.....as a young man of thirty-two .actually dressing in my own femme clothing and feeling SO GOOD!
Remembrances
....as a not so young man of 40, having celebrated crossing the middle age line (drawn in the sand ?) still dressing in my own femme
clothing and feeling SO GOOD!
Remembrances
....as an older, supposedly more mature man of 49, finally with only a son at home .dressing and going out in public, albeit only fleetingly, wondering .there HAS TO BE some one else like me.
There has to be someone who is not a "circus freak". Someone who knows what I am feeling! What am I feeling .a mixed bag of emotions. The same bag of emotions that I have dealt with since I was a young boy of eight and hearing my mom say, "Nonsense, you will be interested in girls, not dressing as one!"
What are these emotions? How can I describe them? As I try, confusion, fear, shame, SO GOOD, it is wrong, society says it is wrong, why do I do it? I purge my wardrobe, only to purchase another after a few months. Only to begin the same vicious cycle again .another purge .then purchasing again .purging again .over and over again. Until by the ripe old age of 49, if I had the dollar value of all the clothes that I have destroyed over the years, I would have a nice little nest egg today.
So, finally, late one night this past summer (1999), after cruising around in the middle of the night, dressed in my best apparel, being exhilarated that I am actually in the open, yet SCARED TO DEATH, I come to the conclusion that I MUST find someone or somebody like me. I could no longer continue being frustrated and having to be satisfied with only wearing my clothing in the house on my vacation days.
I begin to search on the Net for a sympathetic ear and I come across a SISTER. Someone who tried to steer me to several of her friends in the area (this effort failed). Still continuing to dress and going out in public, but in daylight I am only seen from afar by the other drivers as they pass by my vehicle. I continue to search, still fruitlessly. Somehow, I come across another SISTER who puts me into contact with a current member of Chi Epsilon Sigma, and that brings me to where I am today.
Where am I today? Now I am a prospective member of a chapter of a nationwide organization of people just like me. Men who have lived their entire lives, wanting and yet not having, the freedom to be truly themselves.
Being a prospective member does not mean a guaranteed entry into an elite band of men like myself, but it does guarantee that I will never be totally alone AGAIN. I can reach out and touch someone if I have need of an EAR. I can reach out and ask the questions that are plaguing me. I can be as one with someone who has been there, and knows what and how I am feeling. And that can be almost as satisfying as actually wearing the wardrobe that I have in my closet.Back to top
Sometimes There's Just No Avoiding It
By
Barbara Van Horn
Several years ago my oldest daughter, then seventeen, was being treated for depression. Well, when one person in the family is in "therapy" the whole family is in therapy. (Been there, anyone?) The family therapist was a lady in her late forties and really pretty good. However, one evening in a whole family session the subject of "secrets" was brought up. My whole family included my wife, oldest daughter and younger daughter, then age fourteen. I suppose the idea was to show that we all have secrets that we keep hidden, that it's normal, but by sharing them we can be closer to together. I thought of several trivial secrets I could share. You know, admitting I covet my neighbor's lawn or some such thing. However, it became clear to me that the therapist (who knew about my crossdressing) and my wife weren't going to let this go until I told the "big" secret.
I weighed the alternatives. I could simply refuse to play by saying, "I know where this is going, and I'm not going along." I could have bolted from the room in a righteous show of anger (although that would be somewhat out of character for me.) Or I could seize the opportunity. I hadn't intended to tell the kids until an appropriate time. I had always thought young children would be more than a little confused and teenagers too judgmental. The "appropriate time" was always "not yet." Well, it looked like I could test my teenager theory whether I wanted to or not. Even if I had not chosen the time or place I could at least control how the situation unfolded. Further, I figured the situation was as "safe" as it could be. I decided to seize the opportunity.
Without being apologetic I explained I was a crossdresser and had been since I was ten or eleven. That it is simply a part of who I am, and that I had no intention of becoming a fulltime woman. I kept it short, unemotional and didn't offer any theories or explanations. My younger daughter asked if I used make up. I said, "Yes, and I'm darn good at it." My older daughter asked if I had any pictures. I said, "Yes, lots of them. Would you like to see them?" I figured that being forthcoming was better than being evasive or apologetic. In fact, they never did ask to see pictures or for make up tips, but they seemed satisfied. They also didn't seem astonished or stunned either.
In the end I privately admonished the therapist for blindsiding me, but I was actually glad I was "out" to the kids. While I don't dress in their presence I don't hide Barbara's clothes anymore, and if there's panties in my laundry that's okay. My wife continues to be tolerant but not supportive. None the less, everyone knowing has made my life much easier. It's one less big thing not to worry about. If there's a lesson in all this, I suppose it is to be ready to seize opportunity when it appears even if it's not at the time you chose or plan.
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by
Becky Adams
"The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are..."
Pushing the envelope of crossdressing in public.
Here I am, on another business trip and thus another opportunity to "dress as comfortably as possible" while en route. We would recognize the phrase, "as comfortably as possible,"
as a euphanism for going as en femme as possible...sans a wig and heels. I n today's unisex style of clothing, wearing a dress to travel gets you second look, whether you are a CDer or GG. So wearing Cherokee (you know where I shop!) slacks and polo shirt over the usual lingerie is going totally en femme! Add to that Kim's excellent suggestion on lipstick and mascara, nylons, and Reebok 'tennies' and you get the idea....and the picture.
So I am luxuriating in the tactile senses related to the feel of nylon and lace, as well as that little slide of the panties inside the slacks when you sit down on one of those airport seats. I'm wearing nylons with no socks, nylon panties, and a bra (no underwire...remember the metal detectors!) with lipstick, mascara, and nail polish. First time out so attired and really enjoying it! Having lipstick and mascara tubes in my pocket...that I "brazenly" tossed in one of those little buckets to pass through
the metal detector...added to my feeling of living on the edge. I also enjoyed the slight trace of lipstick on the coffee cup as I had my morning coffee in one of the airport cafes. "Things really can't get any better" was the thought that crossed my mind as I stood up when my seat row was called.
As I turned around to pick up my carry-on, who should I see not more than ten feet from me but a neighbor of mine from the town where I live! You've got to understand! My current home is in a town of 600 or less whose population is largely agricultural based, whose forefathers are planted in the local cemeteries in terms of multiple levels and generations! (In other words, they don't travel much, they know everybody for at least three generations and they are relative homebodies.) We're newbies and therefore an "item of interest". Here we are, close to 1,000 miles away from home in an airport that serves a state capital...and not much else! What's the chance of such an encounter?
"Oh s***! [I still have a lot to learn about lady-like language!] What's he doing here?" was my first reaction followed rapidly by a turning away so that we didn't make eye contact. I quickly realized he either didn't see me or didn't recognize me...so I ensured I was well ahead of him in line in getting on the plane--we all look the same from the back. Fortunately, I was seated in the rear of the plane and I could ensure we didn't accidentally encounter each other. 'Twas a rather "observant" flight till
we got to a hub, where he changed for a local flight to a destination nearer our homes, while I returned to Baltimore and my employment.
As I look back on it, I was dressed really in gender-neutral clothing (other than lingerie and nylons)--only I knew what the tags said! Only if I hiked my jeans well above my shoe tops would anything really femme show...unless one would catch the polished nails (gloss coat of a very light shade of pink) and the different side for the polo shirt buttons. (Highly unlikely...when was the last time you checked shirts others were wearing to see how they were buttoned?) So there wasn't much to concern myself about in terms of being "outed." The Bard said it best...much ado about nothing!
But the final bit of humor was that the title piece for this article came right out of the in-flight magazine I read on that leg of my trip. The original title ended with "someone you don't want to be seen with". In this case I think my version is more appropriate!
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By
Joan Stone
How often have you said something like, "Wouldn't it be nice to go to a movie this weekend? " To which your spouse responded, "Sure." But then, the weekend comes and goes, and the movie was not seen or even mentioned again. And there was a sense of time lost.
This type of thing happens to everyone in many different situations during our marriages. You have both talked, but not always listened. If the question had been asked and both parties had stopped what they were doing and decided what movie, what day, what time and who was going to make the arrangements. That would have been communication.
Similarly, the following dialog pertaining to crossdressing can sometimes occur even when the CD and wife or significant other has a supportive relationship. The conversation probably begins with the CD saying, "I'd like to dress on Saturday." And his wife either says nothing or may even say, "Okay." However, neither has really thought about what they are going to do when he does dress. They have superficially approached
the topic, but they have not really communicated, and much room has been left for different interpretations by each of them. This is the stuff from which serious problems evolve.
It would have been much better if the scenario went something like this. "I'd like to dress on Saturday."
"What are your plans?"
"I'd like to and go see blank movie."
"If we do, which theatre should we attend, because many of our friends are planning on seeing this movie?"
You are beginning to communicate. And doing some prior planning for an activity that just happens to include crossdressing. And maybe after you have discussed your proposed outing, the conclusion might even be that this time and place is not for crossdressing. Then together you can decide if the movie is more important or another activity more suitable for crossdressing would be better for your Saturday outing. However, if you decide not to go to the movie at that time do not forget you both still want to consider going to see it.
Talking is easy. Listening and planning are much more difficult. We all like to talk and most of us listen, but we don't always hear what the other one is really saying. It seems trying to communicate our feelings, wants and needs as they pertain to crossdressing is one of the most difficult things we find our selves trying to do.
Sometimes your CD will say something that will hurt your feelings, but upon further discussion you discover he took a short cut and just assumed you were taking the same path. It also works in reverse. You not only have to listen, but to make certain you are hearing what your partner is trying to communicate. This goes both ways.
Our CD's are very special people. We married them because something in us needed this very special person who is sensitive, kind and gentle. Perhaps you didn't know he was a crossdresser until later. When you first find out, it can come as a shock. But remember this is still the same person you married whether he is in a dress or a suit. It just seems strange to see your man in a dress, high heels, wig and makeup. It does take some getting used to. But with care and understanding on both sides it is well worth the effort.
You must remember he has had enough faith and love for you to show you his most vulnerable side. It has taken a lot of courage on his part to show you a side that he has to keep hidden from the world for fear of ridicule.
Again, you must communicate your feelings. He must communicate his. A lot of talking and listening are required, and in the process, tears, emotions and perhaps even shouting erupt from both sides. But you can come through it together if you both are honest about how you feel and, at the same time, are considerate of each other's feelings. Developing a comfortable ongoing relationship in this area can't be accomplished in one session or in months of talking. It takes years of communicating and sharing, as your understanding and his grow and change with each other. If you have learned to deal with this special situation that once made life very difficult, you can turn it into a wonderful ongoing experience. Crossdressing can provide the same frustrations and joy as any hobby that your husband might undertake. However, it is the give and take on both sides through love and understanding that will provide a sustainable balance for both partners. A balance that would not have been possible if your strategy had been to obtain a concession from him as the price for going along with him.
No matter how good your relationship becomes, it is not wrong for you to want your husband, and not his alter ego, after you have had a frustrating or especially tiring day. Nor is it wrong for him to be suffering the same frustrations and want to escape into his alter ego. But when this situation occurs, it is important that both of you communicate and try to understand what each of you is feeling. Always remember that negative feelings often are the result of fatigue or distractions from something else going on at the moment. Failure to recognize the source of the problem can cause feelings to get hurt and a major incident to evolve. Therefore, be vigilant in your care of each other and don't let a moment's unguarded emotion turn a nothing into
a big ugly misunderstanding.
I hope I have given you something worthwhile to consider. It has taken me forty plus years to figure this out for myself, and I hope this little article will help you to get there a whole lot sooner.
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>We Can't Tell Him!
By
Maureen Henley
How many of us have said in a discussion about revealing our feminine sides, " Oh no, I can't tell X, he(she)'d never understand", and felt that there would be dire consequences if we did.
My first wife's sudden (and unexpected) discovery of my crossdressing was, in my opinion, a major factor in the breakup of our marriage. It scarred me for a long time.
I told my second wife, before marriage, that I had been
a crossdresser, since I was in purge at the time. It wasn't until after fifteen
years of marriage that I came out to her, and admitted that it was again part of my life. Her understanding, acceptance, and firm support of my feminine side made my acceptance of my gender gift much easier to deal with, but the issue of friends and family remained.
Aside from my therapist, it was over six months before I could tell anyone else about my deep, dark secret. Since then, I have told several friends about Maureen, and have been very pleasantly surprised by the nonchalant reaction to what I thought was a shocking secret.
Our friend Jennifer, who is in her late twenties, was completely nonplussed, saying only, "So, what's the big deal?" She agreed that her boyfriend should not be told. A few months later, we decided to tell him. His reaction was about the same, coupled with a certain amount of disappointment that we had felt he would not be able to deal with my secret.
My wife, Liz, and I decided that it would be advantageous to tell her sister about Maureen, since her family lives next door, and they have a well established habit of dropping in unannounced. We felt that if her sister knew, she would be a help in curbing such unexpected visits. We thought her husband, a 28_-year Navy veteran, would not be the ideal person to tell. His reaction? "Gee, this opens up a whole new realm of possibilities for Christmas and birthday gifts."
Was this part of my life not such a terrible thing to tell people about? Could our family and friends more understanding and accepting than I could have dreamed possible?
This Christmas, while visiting my family in Rhode Island, I decided to tell my sister-in-law and her children about my crossdressing. The reaction was similar to what I had experienced earlier. My seventeen year-old niece, after hearing what I had to say, gave me a big hug, and said "Now we don't just have Uncle Marty, we have Aunt Maureen, too." Huh? Is this the terrible, shameful secret I've carried all these years?
I don't pretend that all is wonderful, and that I'm about to shout from the highest hill, "I'm a crossdresser!" There are people I am still reluctant to tell about Maureen (my father, for example). And many of us have legitimate concerns about careers when we think about revealing our feminine sides. I'm fortunate in that I don't have to worry about military regulations, security clearances, etc. My co-workers admit to being rednecks, so I'm still reluctant to come clean with them.
The whole point of this story is to remind all my sisters that, just as we thought once that we were unique in our "perversion", our friends and families are not so intolerant as we might fear. If, in fact, our friends are true friends, they will accept us. If our family members love us, as they profess, they will allow us our differences, and still love us.
Be thoughtful, be careful, be considering, but be willing to take the chance. They are more tolerant than we might think.
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By
Rachel Rene Boyd
This is the last in a series of articles about Rachel's experience with laser beard removal. In these articles she traces both the technological and emotional aspects of the process. This month she concludes the series, reporting on the last of four treatments, the overall success of laser beard removal, and her recommendations for others.
You may recall I started this process with high expectations of ridding myself of facial hair in four easy treatments. I found a competent plastic surgeon, listened to the pros and cons, and decided to proceed, even though there was some doubt as to the permanence of laser hair removal. Four treatments were prescribed, four to six weeks apart, with the suggestion that additional
treatments might be necessary. The treatments take about 15 minutes each, but it takes about two weeks for their full effect to be evident. Each of the first three treatments appeared to remove at least 30 percent of my original beard.
The last scheduled treatment went much as the three previous ones. The laser was remarkably effective on the dark hair--nearly 100%. However,
now was clear that I am going to have more blond (or gray) hair remaining than I had hoped. Fortunately the blond hair is not as thick as the dark hair, nor does it seem to grow as fast. My remaining beard is somewhat like the peach fuzz of a teenager. It doesn't have to be shaved every day, but it still needs to be removed occasionally.
I suggested to the doctor's assistant that I might resort to traditional electrolysis for the blond hair. He discouraged me from electrolysis because it is slow, uncertain, and ultimately expensive. He repeated the oft-quoted refrain, "No one ever gets through with electrolysis." That may also apply to laser removal. Some people experience growback after 6-24 months and have to return for further treatments. The doctor's assistant encouraged me to continue the laser treatments a little longer, suggesting that some of the blond hair would actually be removed in time. His time .my money. The physics of laser hair removal indicate removal of the blond hair is highly unlikely.
So I have decided to end my laser beard removal with the four treatments. Am I happy with the result? Yes, I am very pleased with the results on my face. I would have preferred to never shave again, but having removed the dark beard makes shaving and makeup application MUCH easier. Now I don't have to brutalize my face and coat it with styptic to get a really clean shave. And I love how really smooth my face feels
after a shave.
Would I recommend it to others? That's a harder question. Everyone is different, in both their skin and beard conditions, and in their emotional need for beard removal. People with light colored beards should not even consider it. It won't work for them. People with really dark beards are probably going to need more than four treatments. And no one can predict how complete the removal would be for a particular combination of skin tone and beard color. Our emotional needs for beard removal is also varies. If I were a transitioning transsexual, I would be really upset with the remaining peach fuzz. But for where I am on the gender continuum, the peach fuzz is only a
minor annoyance.
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Random Musings: Fearlessness vs. Determination
By
Nicole Thomas
In the last month I've had two sisters comment on my fearlessness in regards to going out dressed. It's definitely not fearlessness. It's determination.
I worry each time I go out dressed: Will the neighbors see? Will I have car trouble? Will some jerk give me a hard time? Might I get into real trouble? What happens if I get pulled over by the police? I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea. The key point is that I haven't let any of this stop me from going out and doing what I want. As Shania Twain says: "I wanna be free (yeah), to feel the way I feel." (Man! I feel like a woman!) That's determination.
Notice, I didn't include fear of not passing. Several people have told me that I can pass. I don't agree....not yet. I can't adequately cover my beard and my voice is a definite give-away. But, going out dressed is not about passing. It's about doing what you want, when you want, and where you want. Again, determination. I told this to my counselor and she agreed. She added that if passing is a requirement, you've put the burden of acceptance onto others and let them control the situation. This is definitely not where you want to be. At the center of coming to terms with your crossdressing is self-acceptance. You can't expect others to accept your crossdressing if you
don't.
So, it comes down to who is going to control your life. I've come to a point in my life where I've finally gotten control of the reins. I'm not planning on giving them up any time soon.
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By
Becky Adams
Dear Chapter Members,
Thanks to Paula, we have a real selection of books to choose from for our next Book Discussion Group. (Which, by the way, we are thinking of having in April on a Sunday exact date, time, and location TBA.)
Anyway, after putting out a call for ideas, Paula came through with about twelve suggestions. Using the Web, I did some research and determined both the availability (to include price) and a short synopsis of each book (with four exceptions which I'll get to later.) What I would suggest is that interested members look this list over and get back to me with their three top choices and we'll make our selection at that time for the April gathering as well as having some groundwork to go on for future sessions.
As I noted earlier, there were four exceptions to my list books Paula suggested that I did not include. Lest you think Paula and I have a catfight going on, far from it! She herself thought that the three SciFi stories and the novella might not be to everyone's taste or choice and I agreed with her. As we develop more experience and a discerning eye in this field of crossdressing literature, we may well explore the novels and SciFi arenas (having read some, I can assure you that the "concept" of
"transformation" is a well-written theme in avant-garde SciFi ) These four books were: Woman on the Edge of Time (Piercy), The Female Man (Russ), The Left Hand of Darkness
(Leguin), and I Will Fear No Evil (Heinlein). SciFi and novella fans are welcome to check these out and give us their reviews and comments please!
So please look these suggestions over. You can pull them up on the Web through the Web sites for Amazon, Borders, and Barnes and Noble. (These are all dot.com sites.) See what the publisher says (lies, lies, nothing but lies!) and then what reviewers (if there are any there are a couple of sites asking for a "first review" with a promised rebate ) have to say. I've got my own suggestions as to my top three but I'll wait and see what others say. If I don't hear anything then I'll revert to my ENTJ personality and tell you what it will be!
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By
Nicole Thomas
Dear Dr. Laura,
I recently read a transcript of the advice you gave to Mary, the wife of a crossdresser. In your position you have a responsibility to present accurate information. Unfortunately you are misinformed about crossdressing. Crossdressing is no longer considered abnormal behavior. It was removed from the latest edition of the DSM.
You are right when you state that crossdressing is an effort to feel comfortable. Although many of us feel less anxious when we cross dress and feel a stronger urge to cross dress when stressed, this is not the root of the problem. The truth is that gender cannot be divided into the polar opposites of male and female. Rather, it is a continuum. We all have feelings and emotions that would be considered, by you, to be gender inappropriate. This is simply part of being human. The man who is sensitive and nurturing is not psychiatrically disturbed even though this can be considered an expression of his "feminine side". Neither is the aggressive female executive, even though she exhibits characteristics usually considered masculine. Crossdressers
could be considered to have an overdeveloped feminine side. A natural extension of this is the need to wear clothing usually reserved for women. In this way it makes us feel comfortable.
You asked Mary if she gets upset when she doesn't wear pants. Rather than being a useful analogy, this is an illustration of society's double standard. In this day and age women can feel free to wear pants, or any other "mannish" clothes, without real fear of what others would think (remember how popular the "Annie Hall" look was?). But just let a guy wear a shirt that's the wrong color or a tie that's too flowery and immediately he's labeled a fag. How would you feel if you were told that you couldn't have your radio show because it's inappropriate for a woman to be talking about these things in civilized society. I think you'd get more than a little angry. This analogy
is much closer to the truth.
You state about crossdressing that, "It's a fetish, it's a problem". The problem doesn't lie with Mary's husband, or me but rather with society and the pigeonhole it asks us to live in.
I know that the concept of crossdressing and "gender fluidity" is threatening to many, but the truth is that there is nothing wrong with crossdressers that needs to be cured. You have the freedom of expression to be on the radio saying what you want, accurate or not. I should have the right to dress as I want, where I want, and when I want. My crossdressing doesn't hurt anyone, but your words have the potential to hurt many. Is this fair? I think not.
Nicole Thomas
nicolethomas@tgforum.com
I mailed this letter to Dr. Laura on February 2, 2000. I don't expect that Dr. Laura will even read it (nor do I think it would change her attitude, anyway. I've heard that she's equally "outspoken" on the subject of homosexuality). I'm sure she has people that do that for her. At least we can educate them
.
I once heard that Dr. Laura doesn't even have credentials as a psychologist. This isn't completely accurate. She has a BA in Biological Sciences (Stony Brook) and her doctorate is in Physiology (Columbia U). She has "Post-Doctoral Certification" in Marriage, Family and Child Counseling (Human Relations Center, University of Southern California) and is a Licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor. So, on this she's only guilty of throwing her Doctorate around as if it has meaning in her current
position.
Why did I bother to write this letter? It was as much for my benefit as hers. I
think I pretty well punched holes in all of her misstatements. Although I don't
think we have a chance of changing Dr. Laura's mind we need to make an effort to get accurate information out to the general public. Dr. Laura's soapbox is a lot larger than ours is, and we can't knock her off it, directly. But, like termites we can chew away at her foundation and eventually bring her down. So, let's get out there and start nibbling!
Nicole Thomas
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By
Lucy Stone
A close relationship between husband and wife, whether crossdressing is or is not an issue, requires constant attention from both. Most couples start out with the intention of having a loving and caring relationship. However, societal and religious prejudices, inflexible preconceived ideas, fear of the unknown, and the day-to-day demands of our busy lives often get in the way. When this happens relationships frequently are diverted drastically from their usually tender, loving start into something that can be quite ugly, and the sad part about it is that usually neither partner intended for it to go that way.
So what do you do if you feel your relationship is headed off course? You have got to find a way to get it headed in the right direction. Each partner needs to be able to express to his/her partner candidly about his/her wants and needs, hopes and fears, and likes and dislikes, and each partner must also be willing to listen to his/her counterpart's wants and needs, hopes and fears, and likes and dislikes. This does not mean that marriage partners must or will agree on many issues, but it does mean they must be willing to listen to each other with respect for each other's position. Then, they must be willing to seek a compromise with which both can live.
When a compromise is established on any major issue, both partners should consider it a starting point on which they can build. If one or both partners make the mistake of considering their compromise as being cast in concrete for all time they are probably in for a bad disappointment because overtime both partners are likely to change, and as they change, their wants and needs are also likely to change. If they do not continue to communicate and change with each other, compromises initially reached will cease to be relevant and probably will not long endure.
But what do you do if emotions get in the way, and either you can't make any progress or previous agreements are no longer working? Get professional help! This is particularly true on issues as difficult and emotion laden as crossdressing is for many couples. But one word of caution when seeking professional advice, make certain that the therapist has experience counseling couples with similar problems. In most cases for couples where one member is a crossdresser, seek a gender counselor. There are
many psychologists, clergymen and others, who do counsel couples, but if they do not have a background in transgender counseling, you and your spouse are probably wasting your time.
This column is based on the assumption that both partners want to salvage and/or continue to improve their relationship. However, if one partner is unwilling to cooperate, marital bliss can be severely diminished, and survival of the relationship could even be in jeopardy.
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By
Paula Evans
Exiting the subway station onto Herald Square, I started chanting a mantra that Jack Lemmon spoke in Some Like It Hot, "I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl". I was hoping that the words would give me enough confidence as we headed to Macy's cosmetic counters to get a consultation on makeup for me.
"We", by the way, was myself and my best friends in New York, Nathan and Janet. Nathan is long time friend who also happens to be a crossdresser. Janet is his lovely partner who has always encouraged me to express myself.
This trip to Macy's was one of my long-time dreams, but I could never muster the courage to go through with making it come true. But buoyed by the support of my friends I thought we, together, could make it happen. One of the things that held me back was the practical realization that I couldn't go to the store dressed totally en femme because I wouldn't be able to wear any makeup. I was sure that the makeup consultants would want a "clean slate" to work on. So...on this day I chose to dress in my aggressively androgynous way. I had dried my long hair naturally, and encouraged curls and volume. Girl jeans were topped with a women's ribbed turtleneck and a pretty cardigan Janet generously loaned me. The shoes I chose were suede Easy Spirit oxfords with a small heel.
Entering the ground floor of Macy's we began to cruise the cosmetic counters, looking for the one that felt just right. Going by Clinique we eyed a woman who Janet thought might be receptive. I spied two men sitting at the counter, and jokingly jabbed at Janet, but they were just resting, waiting for their wives.
Finally we were attracted to the Lancome area. Janet commented that she used their makeup herself. As we approached, with me in the lead, a beautiful woman who looked like a young Melanie Griffith, looked at me and said "Do you need any help?" I quickly answered "yes" and told her that I was looking for some foundation and cover-up. Without hesitation she asked me to have a seat and introduced herself as Jenny. I gave her my male name.
She started working on my face. Moisturizer came first, and as she applied it to my skin she imparted advice, techniques and tips. As she proceeded with some cover-up and foundation she shared gobs of information to improve my look. I was amazed by her warm, accepting attitude and her expertise. It didn't faze her to be working on a guy, she alluded that I was not the first male to ever grace her counter.
Since I had to take off my glasses for application of the makeup, Nathan was busy scribbling notes for me. Janet stood by amazed by this woman's skill. I too was amazed by Jenny, especially when, near the end of the session, I requested to buy some of the foundation and she ran to the second floor of the store to get the right shade for me. Now I know what you're thinking, this is a salesperson who would go to any lengths to make a sale and that is what she is supposed to do. But Jenny went beyond these expectations. During the consultation she suggested items that I could purchase at a drugstore. And at the end our time at the Lancome counter she took me to another counter that sold Derma Blend, there she worked with Ella to blend just the right combination to cover my beard area.
After purchasing the correct Derma Blend we headed out and across the street to a drugstore to get some of the additional items that Jenny had suggested. As I laid my purchases on the cashier's counter the clerk looked up and referred to me as "ma'am". I smiled happily as Janet watched on knowingly. I guess the mantra had worked.
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>Movie Review
by
Paula Evans
I shouldn't have to tell you that "All About My Mother" is an excellent film. It
won Best Foreign Film at the Golden Globes award show this year. But I want to alert you to the transgender content and ultimately what I enjoyed most about this movie.
Pedro Almodovar, the director, has featured transgender characters in most of his previous films, so in some way, this one is no different. Though what you should know about the main transgender character, Lola, is that she is not exactly a role model to look up to. We learn that Lola is a former husband who is now HIV positive, a junkie, extremely promiscuous, and probably a prostitute. On the other hand Agrado, another transgender character, is more upbeat and I see strength in her self-assurance.
By far the strongest character is Manuela. She is a grieving, searching, mother who despite her grief, manages to care for everyone she meets. Interestingly, despite being transgender myself, Manuela was the person I related to most.
This movie has a strong feminine energy running throughout it. All the main characters are female. And the main theme is motherhood.
This is probably Almodovar's best film to date. His direction and storytelling are in fine form. The skilled acting helps drive the plot home. If you go to this movie with an open mind, you will be rewarded with the experience of a range of emotions. Just be sure to pack some Kleenex and make sure your mascara is waterproof. You might feel your heartstrings being played with some delicate hands.
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Page Created: January 12, 2000