Executive Committee Announces 2001 Schedule NOVA CES Happy Hour, by Leslie King A Crossdresser's Lament, by Lucy Stone Chi Epsilon Executive Committee Executive Committee Session November 12, 2000 Girl Talk, by Becky Adams Lucy's Window, by Lucy Stone Newton's First Law..a Different Take, by Becky Adams Resolving Differences, by Lucy Stone The ABC's of A Successful Marriage, by Lucy and Joan Stone Alexandria, We're Here to Help You, by Rachel Rene Boyd
This newsletter is a labor of love for each of our contributing editrixes. Please join the staff by submitting your own insights into the world of crossdressing. You can send your input to RRBoyd@aol.com, or R. R. Boyd, P.O. Box 2252, Ashburn, VA 20146-9152.
Rachel Rene Boyd
The Chi Epsilon Sigma regular meetings will be held on the following Saturdays in 2001. Please note that the July 28th meeting will be a non-dressing event to express our appreciation to our spouses and S.O.s for their understanding and support throughout the year.
January 13
Well, its that time again, for the NOVA CES monthly happy hour (every 2nd Friday). Last month Vicki was gracious enough to have the get together at her place. It was a really enjoyable evening. Vicki and Cheri were wonderful hosts and did a wonderful job with the refreshments. Thanks again.
This month I plan to host the event. I personally think and I believe that the others who attended last month's happy hour agree that the atmosphere was much more pleasant and relaxing than our previous meeting locations.
If you are planning to attend please RSVP me by Thursday afternoon leslie150@hotmail.com. I will send you directions and phone numbers on how to get here.
Thanks,
From the Editrix
Newsletter Editrix
Executive Committee Announces 2001 Schedule
February 17
March 24
April 21
May 19
June 23
July 28 (DRAB)
August 25
September 22
October 27
November 17
December 15
NOVA CES Happy Hour
by Leslie King
Leslie
A Crossdresser's Lament
Adapted from an anonymous source by Lucy Stone
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd eaten;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I struggled into drab clothes in which I must work
And prepared for the toil which I dare not shirk ---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter only dressed as a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, my dresses won't fit, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Terri Lynn Andrews, Chairperson
terrilynna@hotmail.com
Becky Adams, Vice Chairperson
beckyxd@hotmail.com
Grace Gardener, Secretary/Treasurer
grace-gardener@home.com
Yvonne Sullivan, Past Chairperson
yvonne@netrax.net
Donnene Edwards, Spouse Representative
doneene373@aol.com
Mary Alice Barrett, Membership*
zoom@paonline.com
Victoria Frost, Programs Director*
victoriafrost@earthlink.net
Rachel Rene Boyd, Newsletter Editrix*
RRBoyd@aol.com
*Non-voting members
Terri opened the quarterly meeting of the CES Executive Committee at 2:00 PM November 12, 2000 with all officers present, constituting a quorum. Attending the meeting in addition to the Chair, Terri Andrews; were the Vice Chair (and acting Secretary) Becky Adams; Director, Yvonne Sullivan; Treasurer, Grace Gardener; Spouse Representative, Doneene Edwards; Membership, Mary Alice Barrett; and observer, Marsha Edwards. Other Committee participants who were absent due to prior commitments were Vicki Frost, Programs; and Rachel Boyd, Newsletter.
Reports by Officers
Terri reviewed the proceedings of the last meeting of the Executive Committee and all parties agreed the limited number of matters noted at that session were resolved. These included orientation procedures (existing procedures confirmed and agreed to), discussion of an address provider (issue dropped after discussion), and determination of a slate of officers for consideration by the membership. By-laws call for elections in November and officers to take office at the start of the Chapter's fiscal year (July 1). The Secretary was given a list of names and asked to contact them by e-mail to inform them that the Chapter was interested in their participation as officers. Positions to be filled are Vice Chair (an evolving position--Vice for one year, Chair for the following year, and Director for the third year), Treasurer, and Secretary. Becky will move to Chair in July as Yvonne rotates off the Board and Terri rotates into the Director's position.
Grace, as Treasurer, noted that with attendance at 24 to 25 paying members per session, we are maintaining solvency; she was able to provide the Committee with a status report that will be detailed in the December Newsletter. Rough figures are that the Chapter, once outstanding bills are paid, will have approximately $2200 in the checking account and $1000 in a CD to be held in reserve as a contingency fund.
Terri noted that Barbara Van Horn is developing a spouse's handbook and that all members are asked to contribute articles and items of interest to Barbara. The intent of the handbook is to assist both the Chapter member and spouse in terms of coming to an understanding of the situation.
Becky noted that travel requirements have developed to the point that she will not be able to host the February Costume Party (Mardi Gras-type party). Grace agreed to take the February session and to chair a discussion of the recent MSNBC tape on crossdressing.
Old Business
New Business
With no further discussion or issues, Terri adjourned the session at 4:45.
Box Office Betty I am not a great movie fan. In fact, I rarely go to a movie and when I do, it is usually as a "bonding" exercise such as the recent trip I made to see "Gladiator" with one of our offspring. But at least I do know now who the Crowe is that CNN "Hollywood Minute" refers to occasionally.
Anyway, my wife was somewhat surprised--three times over--when I suggested we see Mel Gibson in "What Women Want" over the holidays. First of all it was me who made the suggestion, second I had already selected the movie, and third, it was a romantic comedy that did not have Meg Ryan in it! So we went…and the movie was outstanding! And it is one that I would recommend for the readers of this column to take in if they get the chance. The plot is simple--due to a set of curious circumstances (something you definitely don't want to repeat at home), Mel has the ability to hear what women are thinking…hence the title.
Gals, the word "crossdresser" really is used in the movie! See if you can identify where and when it is used! As the plot unfolds, Mel is introduced to the world of wearing pantyhose and bras and using nail polish and mascara along the way (and if he can do it, why can't I?). But most significantly, he begins to understand the "fashion, style, and expectations" box women are forced into today in our culture. In particular, a sequence related to the development of an ad for Nike was the most telling and poignant sequence in the entire movie. The sequence comes down to portraying running as the only opportunity that a woman has for being who she really is as compared to who and what the outside world expects her to be. And as you can imagine, this sequence hit home in spades to me as a crossdresser.
How many times do we want the opportunity to be and to dress as who we want to be and how rarely the outside world allows us that opportunity? Usually that happens only on Halloween and then we have to be careful that we don't exhibit too much skill at being what we really want to be or eyebrows will be raised and penetrating questions will be asked.
So the movie was fun to watch but it was most significant in that one sequence. And my wife realized that there was now another matter of commonality between us. Because as a crossdresser, I too understand the need and desire to be accepted as I am and not what "society" or "culture" thinks they want me to be...a situation she and many GG's face on a daily basis.
See it and enjoy!
Get Over It!
Have you ever attended a chapter meeting and found yourself wishing that you could do something to help another member to gain insight into herself? Perhaps it was;
Everyone reading this article probably can add to this list. I am not talking about the sister who realizes her problem, asks for help, and gets on with her life. I am referring to the member who seems to be stuck in time and recites the complaint as if it were a mantra month after month. How do you get such a person's attention? It gets very frustrating trying to help people who seem to be listening but never change.
One wonderful Tri Ess sister has come up with an idea for delivering a forceful message to such a person. She says that she gets so frustrated she feels like shouting, "Get over it!" every time a member of her chapter begins to repeat a never-changing list of problems. Later, she said that while she was shopping, she found a pillow with "Get over it" embroidered on it and wished that she had bought it. Then, she could take it to meetings where she would hold it ready to react by hitting the offending member with it.
This reminds me of the approach a friend of mine uses to get the attention of his old mule. When other methods fail, he takes a two by four and hits the mule over the head with it. He says he doesn't have to use it very often, but when he needs it, it is invaluable. Our Tri Ess sister's idea has merit, and perhaps it would work except in the most extreme cases, but what could be done then?
While most of us have experienced someone who fits the type of person described here, fewer of us would admit to having ever been guilty of such behavior. Unfortunately, the very members who would benefit from either the pillow or the two by four between the ears, probably consider themselves in the latter category and are totally unaware of how much distress they cause. Nevertheless, they are the very ones who need help most. We all need the strength to be patient and never give up looking for the means to help each of them to "get over it".
"'Twas indeed a Winter Wonderland at Laurie and Emily's on the 16th. The house was as beautiful as always and the spirits were high! We sort of wished the fog were high too, as that caused a slow arrival rate as we had to work our way through some regular "pea soup" to make it. Fortunately the temperatures were up so there wasn't any ice...except where it should be! In the ice bucket!
Lots and lots of good conversation and banter among the nearly forty guests...the rooms were full and the serving plates were empty...the latter being clear testimony to the delicious fare that was set before us that night. There were vegetables of every size and shape and description, their number and variety outdone only by the desserts that quickly made their appearance and then disappeared just as quickly.
Several couples who had come from some distance had to leave before the full gift exchange but they didn't go away empty-handed...Laurie and Emily were very flexible and accommodating on that count. Those who could stay did stay for the friendship and companionship that was most apparent throughout the night.
What really made it nice was that there no business meeting, no Roberts Rules of Order, and no agenda--other than that of having a great time!
Our hats (and wigs in many cases...) are tipped to the hospitality and warmth of Laurie and Bill as shown in opening their home for our annual Holiday Party! Many, many thanks again from all of us!
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction…or something like that.
Sort of an odd beginning for this month's "girl talk", but there's a reason for that, or at least I think so. Been thinking about this topic quite a bit lately and finally decided that maybe others have seen the same thing, or at least are aware of it but haven't been able to put a descriptive phrase around it. I call it the "Ying and Yang" of the feminine gender…most women appear to be much better at self-control and group release in terms of emotions than most men.
For example, in terms of self-control, most women really make an effort at watching their weight and their appearance…I'm not talking about the fashion-conscious crowd here but focusing more on the average gal. (And if we as crossdressers want to "blend rather than pass" as one of our members put it at a recent meeting, we'd better focus on the average…) Their self-control extends over into such things as language…Carole Gilligan (In a Different Voice) goes into this and other topics in a great deal more depth than I will but there is an effort in this "Ying" aspect to be very inclusive. One practices self-control—and expects others to—in order to include everyone and to give everyone a chance to be heard. Compare this to the male behavior, what I sometimes refer to as the Alpha Male drive.
I've noticed a similar effort on my part in both the matter of weight and appearance…now I am much more aware of the difference that extra serving will make on the waist line and in my effort to "blend" when dressed as Becky…
Then there's the "yang." Here GG's are far more prone to have a group release whether it is in terms of emotions and not caring who sees or in terms of friendships and inclusive chatter, once again in a very open and sharing manner.
Once again Gilligan attributes this to the effort on women's part to be able to relax among themselves and to be inclusive and sharing…listening is a very common trait indeed. And once again, calling on my previous experiences, I would always like to have a team of men and women as my analysts. Men seemed to be trained by society to see "what is there" while women were trained by the same society to be aware of "what is not there." Women appeared to be able to work on what wasn't said and what wasn't apparent while their male counterparts focused on what was said and what was there. Once again, in their effort to be inclusive, women appear to be much more aware of the nuances then men are.
So, possessing an awareness of our second selves, we should also be aware of these traits and enhance them whenever and wherever possible—in a way, we have indeed been blessed.
As a wife belonging to a Tri Ess Chapter, the one thing I hear over and over from crossdressers who have recently confided in their wives is "My wife/SO knows, and she is okay with it." Is she? Ask some of the wives and S/Os and quite often you get a different answer. Obviously, there has been a breakdown in their communication with each other. This is not surprising considering the difficulty most people have with this topic.
Too often the crossdresser forgets that while he has had many years to deal with his crossdressing, his wife has had a much shorter time to try to cope with it. When he finally has accepted this side of himself enough to tell her, he may consider anything short of outright rejection by his wife as meaning she does not have a problem. However, too frequently the following situation seems to occur. She has just been told, and may at first be so relieved to know what has been bugging him that she fails to consider any reservations she has. Then reality sets in; more questions come to mind and possible implications of his crossdressing start to bother her. She may wonder where it is going to lead. She may feel that she is inadequate, that he has invaded her space, or that she has never really known him. If her husband continues to be insensitive to her concerns and wrongly assumes that she accepts it or will become more comfortable when she gets used to it, their marriage could be headed for difficult times.
For a marriage to escape any permanent damage, both partners must be able to communicate their needs and desires to each other. Typically, neither partner says exactly what they mean and both may be interpreting what is said in terms of what they want to hear. Patience is something we sometimes lack, and I find when it comes to discussing and understanding crossdressing, it too often is lacking. The crossdresser wants to start dressing immediately, and just go for it. While the wife is saying, wait a minute, I want my husband. Sometimes it is difficult for the wife/SO to understand that her crossdressed husband is still the same person, even when dressed in feminine clothing. And on the other side, it is equally difficult for the crossdresser to understand that his wife just can't see it.
My advice to both the CD and the affected spouse is to assume nothing about each other. Start by discussing the issues and concerns that bother each of you. Putting everything on the table is essential to developing a consensus with which both of you will be reasonably comfortable. You probably will not find a solution that is perfect for both of you, and it may take you a long time to reach it. Throughout this process, patience and the desire to understand each other's needs and concerns is essential, especially when little progress is being made.
For some couples, substantial progress can be made in a few months, for others the process may take a much longer time. Patience is something both partners must cultivate and use. Impatience just muddies the water. It can cause considerable delays in reaching a point where meaningful discussions can occur and it sometimes results in irreparable damage to the marriage.
If you really love each other and want to be together, you should be able to overcome your differences with a lot of hard work, patience and understanding. One word of caution, never assume that your first agreement is final because the assumptions you make initially, will probably change as both of you work through any fears and misconceptions you have. This approach is actually no different than the process that you both probably use in other areas of your life as you adapt to changing circumstances. What makes it seem more difficult is that crossdressing is such an emotional issue.
When we got married, we believed that our love for each other was all that mattered. Now, after more than forty-two years of marriage, we know that it takes more, and we firmly believe that the beautiful relationship we continue to enjoy is the result of the principles on which we have based our relationship. Together, we have gotten through the hard times resulting from miscarriages, cross-country moves, four years of full time graduate school, meddling parents and crossdressing. We have raised two sons whose wives we dearly love, and we now have six boisterous and adorable grandsons. Throughout our marriage, we have had a wonderful life and continue to have fantastic adventures together (some of them as Joan and Don and some as Joan and Lucy). As a result, we have come to believe that perhaps there is something special about the way we conduct our relationship, and perhaps it is the ABCs that guide us. The ABCs that we try to follow are:
From the beginning of our marriage, we have always tried to apply the Golden Rule to our marriage. Applied to marriage, it is "Do unto your spouse as you would have your spouse do unto you." This is not always as easy as it may sound. Sometimes you really have to stop and think, "Would that hurt my feelings? How would I feel if my spouse did or said the same thing to me." We never knowingly hurt each other with words or in deeds. When that happens, as it inevitably does, then the apologies are made quickly and hugs are exchanged both for the apology and for the acceptance of it.
Differences in your duties, responsibilities, preferences, concerns and societal norms and that of your partner also have to be considered. And here is where it is easy to introduce problems both for your partner and for yourself. For example, you decide that your partner wouldn't be receptive to something you would like to do or would be unreceptive to something you would like very much for him/her to do. So, you refrain even mentioning your need or desire, but you continue to want it. It causes you stress, and in turn begins to have a negative affect on your relationship. In your attempt to avoid the problem you have created one that can lead to serious complications, and it is so unfair to your spouse, whose feelings you were trying to spare. Instead of stating what you want, you have tried to think for her/him and she/he doesn't have a clue what the problem is. How much better it would have been to discuss your concern, find out how your partner feels about it and arrive at a positive course of action for resolving any differences.
We both very much believe in the power of positive thinking. Instead of despairing when "our glass was half empty," we have always been thankful for all of our blessings and looked for ways to add to what we already have. For us, it is almost a second nature to build self-esteem daily, both our own and each other's. Negative thoughts have no place in our lives. Name calling or screaming at one another is a behavior that has no place in our lives. It only hurts the other person and that is the last thing either one of us has ever wanted to do to the other. We also learned early in our marriage silence never resolves an issue. Rather, it make matters worse as hurt feelings fester when disagreements are left unresolved, and difficult problems become increasingly difficult.
Always, we try to understand each other's point of view, even when we have strong differences of opinion, and sometimes this can be very difficult. This is especially true when each of us have attached different meanings to the words we are using to try to explain our thoughts. Then, we have to go back and ask for clarification of what we did not understand. Sometimes it can be a simple word or two and sometimes it is the entire idea. Sometimes it seems to take forever before the light dawns as to what the other person is trying to say. Once we understand each other, the point of disagreement usually is easily resolved, and one can feel so stupid because it often is such a simple thing. That is when a sense of humor comes in handy, and it is at that point, we can both have a good laugh.
We both have the courage of our convictions, and without a sound approach based on our love of each other, our relationship could have been difficult if not impossible. Should your marital relationship be less than harmonious, you might want to review the ABCs on which our relationship is based, and see whether there is something in our approach that would work for you. We don't pretend to be experts on marriage relationships, and we can only tell you what has worked so very well for us.
Outreach is helping people understand crossdressing. Going shopping can be self-indulgent. Doing lunch is just pure fun. Can you do them all at once? Paula Elizabeth, Victoria, and Rachel think so.
Last week we decided to go to lunch in Old Towne Alexandria. Our plan was to find a nice restaurant, have lunch, and maybe do a little shopping. We decided what we were really doing was transgender community outreach. Each of us has a good feminine presentation. But let's face it, at six feet plus tall, and voices with a decided male resonance, we're not fooling anybody. We figured we were really just helping the citizens of Alexandria understand that crossdressers are actually really nice people.
Our failure to fool anyone was never more evident than in the restaurant. It was a nice upscale restaurant at the foot of King Street. We were greeted graciously, and seated without any particular notice by anyone in sight. But our male waiter was clearly nervous about serving us. We have been served by female waitresses many times, and found them to be very friendly and engaging. But this guy just wasn't sure about how he should be treating us. He was pleasant enough. Just uncertain. When he brought the entrees, as he placed a plate in front of us he said, "Excuse me, sir…. Ma'am." We did our best to put him at ease, and left him a generous tip to let him know he hadn't offended anyone.
Then it was off to do some shopping. The first stop was Winterthur Museum Shop. It was a small shop, in close quarters. So we were literally rubbing shoulders with other shoppers. But we went about our business, selected some post-holiday bargains (50% off!), and made our purchases.
Next we decided to browse The Torpedo Factory art gallery. We were amazed at the number of shops. There must have been 30 or more on three levels. We spent nearly an hour admiring the paintings, sculpture, fashions, and decorative crafts. Yes, there was the occasional artisan or shopkeeper who looked at us and then averted their eyes unapprovingly. But we just smiled and wished them a nice day.
So we had a nice outing. We had fun just being ourselves. And we represented all crossdressers in our little outreach.
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Page Created: January 12, 2001