June, 2000

The Wild Rose of the Chesapeake

Vol. 3, No. 6

June, 2000

This Month's Features:

Minutes of the May 20 Meeting, by Paula Evans

Happy Birthday, Rho Tau, by Lucy Stone

Wonderbrow, by Paula Evans

A Life of Her Own, by Nicole Thomas

Girl Talk, by Becky Adams

Lucy's Window, by Lucy Stone

Email to the Wife of a Crossdresser, by Robin

Hello, Anne Arundel County Landfill, by Akiko Yanai

Random Musings: Observations on Observation, by Nicole Thomas

Permanent Hair Removal, by Tiffany Hines

From the Editrix

My Dear Sisters,

This newsletter is a labor of love for each of our contributing editrixes. Please join the staff by submitting your own insights into the world of crossdressing. Our deadline is the first Friday of every month. You can send your input to RRBoyd@aol.com , or R. R. Boyd, P.O. Box 2252, Ashburn, VA 20146-9152.

Rachel Rene Boyd
Newsletter Editrix

Minutes of the May 20 Meeting

CHI EPSILON SIGMA

By Paula Evans

Even though our temporary meeting location was situated in a nursery school room, the imaginative and plentiful food supplied by generous CES sisters more than made up for the unusual surroundings. And conversation flowed like Niagara Falls as folks caught up with the latest news, stories and aspirations.

Linda opened up the program section of the meeting by playing an audiotape supplied by Rachel. The tape was a program that aired on "Fresh Air, with Terri Gross" on National Public Radio. We listened attentively to an interview with John Colapinto and Bruce Reimer. Bruce, after a tragic botched circumcision as an infant was raised as a girl. Colapinto wrote a book, As Nature Made Him, about Bruce's experience growing up and the influence of Dr. John Money on his upbringing. Today Bruce lives as a male and is married with three adopted children. The recorded interview was thought provoking and carried on in a sensitive, caring style. After playing the tape we engaged in a spirited discussion of how this incident might apply to our lives and how Dr. Money fits into the transgender world.

After a short break, Heather and Steve made a presentation on wigs and new product lines that Heather is introducing for sale. She encouraged sisters who want to visit her shop in Hanover to call ahead and make an appointment.

Our next meeting (June 24) will return to our usual location.

Happy Birthday, Rho Tau

By Lucy Stone

Rho Tau is now a year old. Our formation resulted from Chi Epsilon Sigma's vision to form sister chapters in the Mid-Atlantic. This month marks the first anniversary of our formation. On May 20, we celebrated by having a catered dinner at our usual meeting place. Helping us celebrate were sisters from National Tri-Ess and our sister chapter in Raleigh, Sigma Rho Delta. Sisters visiting us included:

Femme Mirror

When we invited CES through your Chairman, Yvonne Sullivan, we didn't realize that our regular meeting night was the same as your May meeting date. We are sorry that none of our Chi Epsilon Sigma sisters could attend our celebration.

Our chapter was organized on May 1, 1999, when a group of twenty crossdressers and their wives or significant others gathered at the Colonial America Hotel in Williamsburg. Our group was made up of members of Chi Epsilon Sigma, who lived in the Richmond-Tidewater area and other crossdressers and wives who expressed interest in joining a local chapter. That night we chose "Rho Tau, The Richmond-Tidewater Chapter" as our official name; established the third Saturday of each month for our meeting dates; selected officers and named a committee to begin the drafting of chapter by-laws. By the end of June, we had submitted our proposed by-laws to the national headquarters of Tri-Ess, and we were notified on the first of July that we were officially a chapter.

We were off to a fast start, and we haven't slowed down since. During our first year, we have accomplished the following:

As a result of the manner in which we got our chapter up and running, we were one of three Tri-Ess chapters to receive Commended Chapter Awards, from the national headquarters of Tri-Ess International, at Holiday En Femme in Houston in November 1999. Our progress continues, and if we don't falter, we probably have a very good chance of receiving another award.

Wonderbrow

By Paula Evans

I've always wondered what it would be like to have my eyebrows waxed, but like many of us, I lacked the courage to go through this experience at a salon. Well, my makeup consultant told me that I was doing a heck of a job plucking/tweezing my eyebrows, but didn't have quite the right shape or the arch in the right location. She told me it would be best to let my brows grow out some and then have them properly shaped with waxing. So I vowed to go through with it.

I told a female friend about my desire for the procedure and she suggested I go to Neal's, a salon in the Mt. Vernon area of Baltimore. Just getting on the phone to make the appointment took some courage. But I did it, setting it up for a late weekday afternoon after work.

When I arrived at the salon I gave my male name, since that's the name I used when I made the appointment. I knew I wasn't going to be able to be "dressed" this day since makeup would have interfered with the waxing. Michelle was the beautician who was assigned to me. She took me to the upstairs part of the salon. On the first floor are rooms for hairstyling, manicures and pedicures. Upstairs I was led to a private partitioned area with, surprisingly, a type of table or cot that you might usually associate with massage or a doctor's office. It was covered with a thick paper tissue. Michelle instructed me to lie down on the table. I imagine the table and reclining position are more necessary for leg waxing. But I figured, when at the salon, do as your beautician says. I entered a discussion with Michelle over how they should look. I showed her several pictures of me "dressed" and explained what my makeup consultant had said. And so Michelle proceeded.

Now, you might think that pouring hot wax on a part of your body and then ripping the hairs out might be rather painful. But I found it about the same pain level as plucking my brows had been. Actually it wasn't bad at all. And my eyes didn't even produce any tears. My reclining position and the gentle new-age music playing on the speakers in the room probably helped as well. Michelle was very professional and caring. We had a pleasant conversation where she asked how often I dressed and I asked her if there were many men who had been in for waxing. She told me that given the neighborhood, it wasn't uncommon for many "girls" to stop in.

After about 10-15 minutes I was done. And like a hairstylist completing a cut, Michelle handed me a mirror to see if I approved of the result of her work. I did. While I paid downstairs, including a tip for her, she recommended that I come back in 2 or 3 weeks for a touch up. Actually, 2-3 weeks would be a long time for me to go without tweezing my brows and I have continued keeping the shape she defined for me. But I will go back from time to time if I think it's necessary. I wholeheartedly recommend Neal's in Baltimore for your salon needs. They are definitely gender-friendly, and don't be afraid to ask for Michelle.

A Life of Her Own

By Nicole Thomas

Before I moved to my new place, I tried to have some stuff mailed to Nicole Thomas. Some of it got delivered, most got returned to sender. As far as the post office was concerned Nicole Thomas did not exist.

Last year I decided that Nicole needed a credit card in her name. I knew that I could call my credit card company and request additional cards. Since I thought they might want to know my relationship to the new cardholder, I fabricated a story about how my sister was going through a divorce and I was helping her out financially. They never asked. They caught me unprepared, however, by asking for her social security number. After picking my jaw up off the table I said that I didn't know it. The woman said that was okay and said I could call with it later (I never did, and they never asked, thank goodness). Now, my statements came addressed to both Nicole and me. I hoped that this would get the carrier used to the idea that Nicole's mail belonged at that address. Didn't work.

When I was getting ready to move, I filed moving information at the post office for both Nicole and me. Right after I moved in, Nicole started getting "Welcome to the Neighborhood" mailings (the 10% off coupon from Home Depot really came in handy). Nobody seemed to care that she didn't really have a previous address. Nicole was now on the map!

I requested some catalogs in her name, and placed an order or two. Last week Nicole started to receive offers for her own credit cards. She has also been offered a membership in the Columbia House CD club (Nicole's taste in music runs a bit mellower than mine). We are turning these down. I'm pretty sure that signing up "non-existent" people in record clubs constitutes mail fraud, and since Nicole doesn't work (and doesn't have a SS#), she wouldn't qualify for a credit card on her own.

In "Miracle on 34th Street", they argued that Kris Kringle must really be Santa Claus because the U.S. Post Office was delivering mail to him. So now, that Nicole is receiving mail I figure she must really exist. Now if I can just get her to get a job and start paying for her own clothes!

Girl Talk

By Becky Adams

Creativity and Crossdressing now there's an interesting thought!

Anne noticed the other day that I had not been really "in to it" lately as far as being en femme around the house sort of been in my old scruffies and work attire. Looking back I acknowledged that that was indeed the case it had been quite busy the last month on a number of projects around the house and yard and even though there were some evenings when I could have changed after a shower and gone en femme, I didn't. In our discussion of what had been different, she managed to put her finger on what might be the catalyst my need to be creative.

This past month had seen me designing, building (with on the spot "creative" re-designs where necessary), and finishing a number of interior and exterior projects. There really wasn't anything really major. There was just a number of small projects that we thought would enhance the ambiance of the property and allow us to enjoy both the house and the yard more this spring and summer. And they were projects we worked on together all the way from the conception of the idea through the design to the final product. But they were all creative in nature. (Granted, some required additional creativity because of my penchant to measure once and cut twice )

So we carried the conversation a bit farther and explored when and where I felt the need to crossdress...and it was usually during periods of time and in jobs where there was limited opportunity to use my creativity. So in those instances I apparently found myself turning to "creating" a new me in my femme persona. This would explain why during many years of my career the thought of crossdressing never came to the surface and I found no real desire or inclination to do so. And why once I retired and tried to relax, I found the urge and the need to crossdress more and more and found a new joy in doing so.

So there might be a clue in this in terms of "explaining" crossdressing in my case there is a need to be creative for there is indeed creativity in crossdressing.

Lucy's Window

By Lucy Stone

Our Special Blessing

As Joan will tell you, it can sometimes take me a very long time to get it right, but I am convinced that I finally have. What has finally creeped through my thick skull is the realization that when God created me and others like me he/she gave me something special. For I truly have come to believe that we who are crossdressers are gifted, and as any gifted person will tell you, a special gift can be a tremendous burden until it is used to benefit that person and others.

The special gift to which I am referring goes much deeper than crossdressing because crossdressing is merely a manifestation of our gift, and that gift is a soft feminine side. A side of us that does not have to dilute our masculinity one bit, but rather provides us qualities that other men do not have. Where the problem arises, is that we are brought up to believe that the stereotypical stoic male is the ideal and that displaying one's feelings is a sign of weakness. Unfortunately most of us are very conscientious, and we try to please our parents and teachers, but this carries with it a cost. It causes us to suppress our feelings, but our feminine side can't be crushed. Typically we seek an outlet, and that outlet is crossdressing.

For so many years, I had it just backward. Like most of us, I equated femininity with weakness, and I felt that having a feminine side made me less of a man, and I always felt sad that I couldn't be the man that my wife deserved. Joan always tried to tell me that I was a just what she wanted, but I thought I knew better. Without realizing it, I had totally bought into the Hollywood ideal of what every woman wanted in a man. Yet I went through repeating several-years-long cycles of crossdressing, followed by purging, and starting all over again a few years later. Like I have often said where crossdressing is concerned, I am a slow learner.

After I retired, I tried to live the stereotype of the successful retired man. Once again, I decided that I was no longer going to need crossdressing. (I am indeed a very slow learner.) After all, I convinced myself, if it had not been for the stresses of my professional life, my need wouldn't have continued throughout my adult life. I even tried to get excited about playing golf. However, one day on my way home from taking a lesson with the club pro, I was thinking about how expensive golfing is, and it occurred to me that I would much rather be buying a dress. At that point, I went on the Internet and found Tri-Ess.

What has happened since has been wonderful. I soon learned their are others like me, and those who have learned to use their gift are very special people. As the result of our membership in Tri-Ess, Joan and I have made some wonderful friends, our marriage is better than ever, and I now do things because I want to them -- I no longer feel like I'm playing a part. I now realize that my feminine side is a plus that adds to my capability to be a successful husband, father and grandfather. It even helps me to do a better job of passing because I feel good about myself.

If you are a crossdresser still trying to resolve your inner conflicts, I hope you soon come to realize that your feminine side is truly a blessing, and I hope it won't take you as long as it did me. Once you learn that it is a blessing and stop trying to run from it, you will be much happier. And if you are the wife or significant other of a crossdresser, I pray that you will be able to accept your husband's gift, and help him accept it. When this point is finally reached for both the crossdresser and her wife/SO, a whole wonderful future will open up, and both of you will wish that you had reached it much sooner. You will feel that it was well worth your tough journey to get here, and like Joan and me, you will thank God every day for your wonderful gift.

Email to the Wife of a Crossdresser

By Robin

Yesterday I received an email from another wife of a crossdresser who has known about her husband's other self for two years and is having difficulty dealing with the issues. Her plea was almost apologetic, and I immediately fired back a response to contact me again, as our sisterhood must provide that support to each other.

I haven't heard back from her yet. However, I've been thinking about what I want to say to her. The first thing would be never to feel bad about your need to seek support. These issues are not simple to deal with in the climate of sexual gender identification most of us grew up in this past century.

My discovery of my husband's other self just over three years ago threw me into such emotional pain I almost drowned in it. The hands that lifted me out of that terrible state where those of other wives. They had grown in their knowledge of both self and their significant other's crossdressing over a range of time.

After a while I was able to see how much of what I respect in my husband's ability to be a wonderful companion comes out of his personal growth in accepting his other self. This acceptance took him many years to reach. That was my second realization. It will take me a long time to make the emotional changes that will allow me to be totally secure in this added dimension to our marriage.

Intellectually I am fine, and able to be fully accepting--even grateful that he does not have to hide this part of himself from me. Then I have to be very cautious that I don't make promises from that rational place that my emotional development has not yet reached.

So this is a journey I am on, and one that is much easier if I share it with other wives. It offers a window through which I can see a much richer long-term relationship than I would have had with another man.

I was single for 13 years after my first marriage. My one wish was to meet a strong, intelligent, well-educated man who was able to be my soul mate. On the bad days I say to myself, "Watch out what you wish for " On the good days, I count my blessings. Thankfully the good days now far outweigh the bad.

Hello, Anne Arundel County Landfill

By Akiko Yanai

On May 19, I was sitting in my living room watching TV and I decided I had better go out and get a shorter half slip for the meeting the next night, or I would have to decide on something different to wear. So I took off my work uniform shirt and threw on an old T-shirt. I didn't bother to put on shoes, just slapped on the Japanese flip-flops and off I went. I headed straight to K-Mart at Jumpers Hole Shopping Center. I looked horrible. Except for my hair, which I did brush up before I left.

Some browsing led me to find a couple of real nice short sleeve blouses I needed. Put those in the basket. I also found a lovely just above the knee nightgown; into the basket it went. Some more shopping and those items went into the basket along with the much needed half slip. On my way to the checkout I decided to stop off at the shoe section. The aisles are too small to get a shopping cart in, so I left mine out in the main aisle. I was the only one there looking at shoes. Then I noticed a lady pushing her cart down the aisle toward me. In the cart were two little kids, a boy and a girl. She worked her way around the cart and stood next to me. After a couple of seconds she asked me if I was shoe shopping. I thought this was a little strange, but okay no big deal. I just said yes, thinking that she would just assume I was shopping for my wife.

She responded immediately with the question "For yourself?"

I thought, this is really too much. Okay, you asked for it. I looked her right in the eyes and said "Yes for me!" I thought that would shut her up or chase her off.

WRONG!

"Really? What size do you wear?"

"Uh 8" I said.

"What color are you thinking about getting?"

"Black"

"No, no. Get white. They are much sexier. Here try these on," she said as she grabbed a box off the self and handed them to me. "Go ahead, put them on and let me see."

So I did. And after a couple of more boxes being thrust at me, I knew her name, where she lives, why she is in K-Mart in Glen Burnie on a Friday night, and where her friend lives in Magathey Beach. Her husband stays home Friday night and watches the kids, while she and her friend go out clubbing. She has six kids in all, and the two youngest are in the cart. She claimed to be 38. I don't know.

At this point I am beginning to get a little scared of this lady, so I began trying to sneak off, but every time I took a step she would two, she started pulling on my arm to keep me in range, all the while asking me questions.

"So how old are you?"

"I'm not telling you how old I am."

"Oh okay, how young are you? I know to never ask a girl her age."

I said, "Between 30 and 60."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"NOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

"When you go out, do you wear a dress? We will have to go out clubbing my girlfriend you and me. You can wear a nice dress or skirt. Can you dance? What is your phone number? I'll call you and set up a date."

I didn't want to be rude to this somewhat unusual lady, so I just tried to politely avoid the questions, but she was persistent. I tried the, "I don't have any paper with me."

She responded with "That's okay. I have a very good memory when it comes to phone numbers. You tell me and I will know it right away."

I didn't have any choice. I made up a bunch of numbers and she repeated them back. "Is that right?"

"Uh, yes that's it."

At this point she finally allowed me to leave. I ran straight for the checkout, keeping one eye over my shoulder so as not to allow her to follow me to my car. Then home, sweet, safe and warm home.

I told this story to my wife and daughter. Annie, my daughter, told me "You need to memorize the landfill number just for things like that." SOOO, if you need to call the landfill, the phone number is 410-222-6177. Tell them I told you to call.

Oh, by the way, the lady was right about the shoes. I got the white ones. They are sexier.

Random Musings

By Nicole Thomas

Observations on Observation

Last month I told you about my decision to get my ears pierced. My first day at work with pierced ears was one of the most stressful days of my life. How would people react? Would they think I'd gone crazy? Would they talk behind my back? Would they laugh? Might it hurt my standing in the company?

What happened? Basically, nothing. (Only one person even commented: My busybody office-mate stated that there was something wrong with me, but she "wasn't going to say anything". Tuesday was her last day at work and she left the parting comment that I was going through some sort of midlife crisis and that someone else would have to take over watching after me.) I had spent months fretting over getting my ears pierced, but was always concerned about how it would go over at work. Now that I had finally done it, how could nobody even care?!? It was such a big event for me but seemed to go unnoticed. It was like throwing a party and having no one show up. I guess it beats outrage, but only barely.

This caused me to start thinking about what people do and don't notice and why people will rarely comment.

My first observation on observation is that it is easier to notice something out of the ordinary (like earrings on guys). A corollary to this is it's easier to notice something that is present, rather than something that is missing. This is why you can show up to work after shaving a mustache or getting contact lenses and people will know something is different, but won't be able to figure out what. This is an example of the difference being something that is missing: hard for a person to completely grasp. I think that it may also hold for a guy with shaved legs. I think this is more likely to be overlooked than a woman with leg hair. Both are things out of the ordinary (in American society) but for the guy it's something missing and for the woman it is something present. For those of us doing something about our facial hair, this would work in our favor. A person should be more likely to notice a woman who needs a shave than to notice that a guy is missing his beard shadow.

In general, most people are polite, and most people want to avoid confrontation. How often have you put up with poor service because you didn't want to make a scene? So, even when people do notice our "peculiarities" they are very unlikely to ever say anything. In the days after "the piercing" I found this silence disconcerting. If they weren't saying anything to me, does that mean they were talking about me behind my back? Quite possibly. But since there was really nothing I could do about this I have had to adopt an "out of sight (hearing)/out of mind" approach. In my book, no news is good news, and silence amounts to tacit approval.

It was suggested to me that most people are simply too wrapped up in their own little worlds to notice those around them. I don't think this is really true. What I think is closer to the truth is that most people are too wrapped up in themselves to care about those around them. And those that might care are still too polite to say anything.

Still concerned that people will remember your "peculiarities" and mention them later? Have you ever participated in one of those exercises where you are told that a crime is about to take place, the scene unfolds, and you are then asked to remember specifics about the situation? It's incredibly hard, even when you are prompted to be alert. In everyday life, it's even harder. Five minutes after you've parted company, most details will be forgotten.

The take home message from all of this is: if you've been holding off on doing something about your appearance because you are afraid that others will notice, get over your fear and act! Life is too short to spend it worrying about the reactions of others.

Permanent Hair Removal?

By Tiffany Hines

Recently on a trip to Ireland, I observed several shops that advertised "Safe and Effective Permanent Hair Removal." One such shop was advertising a method labeled "STEREX", which turned out to be a Blend Electrolysis treatment. Another was advertising a non-invasive type of hair removal. When I returned home, a little searching on the web produced the following information.

A New Approach to Unwanted Hair Removal
A revolutionary new system of non-invasive, progressive and permanent hair removal. It is SAFE and effective and uses NO NEEDLES.
"How does it work?"
Microlysis works by emitting a gentle current (nothing is felt by the client) through a small amount of specially developed bio-active gel, which contains plant extracts and essential oils. The electrical current carries the gel down to the dermal papilla (from which the hair grows). This causes a reaction that slows, weakens and eventually destroys the hair, thus achieving comfortable, safe and permanent hair removal.
Microlysis is also used to treat red veins, thread veins, skin tags and warts .

At their web site http://www.sheffieldscene.co.uk/aspects/services2.html there is a statement at the bottom of the page to send an E-mail to fionachester@freenet.co.uk for more information. I did ask if the service was available in the USA, and what their success has been on men. Their machine is called Epil 2000, but is not available in the U.S. One could order it from the UK for 3950 plus carriage. They claim treatment is excellent for men, but bear in mind that testosterone will always stimulate some re-growth.

Doing a search on the word "Microlysis" turned up a number of complaints that have been made to the British Advertising Standards Authority (ASA). The ASA was set up in 1962 to make sure that non-broadcast advertisements appearing in the UK are legal, decent, honest and truthful. One that caught my attention was the following:

Complaint : The Harley Medical Group objected to a magazine advertisement for hair removal. The advertisement showed an illustration of a woman's eyes and nose and claimed "Microlysis is a revolutionary new system of non-invasive permanent hair removal. It is safe, effective and totally painless".

1. The complainants challenged the permanence of the hair removal technique.

2. The Authority challenged whether the technique was painless.

Adjudication:

1. Complaint upheld

The advertisers maintained the treatment was painless and permanent. They said the treatment used a micro head over a small area of the body. The head emitted a current that combined with a bioactive gel that traveled down the hair shaft to the hair follicle. They referred to a dictionary definition of the word permanent and argued that it justified the claim. The advertisers pointed out that although a new hair could grow close to one that had been destroyed by the treatment it would not be the hair that had been destroyed. The Authority was concerned that the advertisers had not provided evidence to show the treatment was permanent. It asked the advertisers to withdraw the claim until they could provide substantiation for it.

2. Complaint upheld

The advertisers said clients would feel only a sensation of the instrument touching their skin and would experience no pain. The Authority considered the advertisers had not provided evidence to show their claim was true and concluded that the advertisers should delete the claim unless they could substantiate

The Authority protects the public by ensuring that the rules in the British Codes of Advertising and Sales Promotion are followed by everyone who prepares and publishes advertisements. Independent of both the advertising industry and government, the ASA's work is funded by a small levy on display advertising and direct mail expenditure. In order to preserve the ASA's independence from the industry the levy is collected by a separate body, the Advertising Standards Board of Finance.

The ASA aims to promote the highest standards in advertising. It does this by a program of industry information and training through some 70 presentations and seminars each year. It actively promotes its work and role through a coordinated media relations strategy to the advertising industry and consumers.

In 1995, the ASA received 12,804 complaints, 1,135 of which were from competitors. Generally, complaints fall into three categories: those that need to be investigated under the Codes; those where the complainant has not read the advertisement properly or where they have an unusual interpretation of it; and those that are outside the ASA's scope, such as those about TV commercials which are referred on to the Independent Television Commission.

The ASA does not simply wait for complaints but carries out its own surveys to check standards in advertisements by media category, i.e. direct mail, national and regional press and posters, and by product category. Those areas where consumers may be vulnerable to certain claims made or where a concern or issue has arisen are checked. Such surveys are useful in that they help the ASA to identify areas of concern or worrying trends that can then be acted on quickly to prevent further problems for consumers.

Too bad we don't have an ASA body in the U.S. It would have its work cut out for it.

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