Executive Committee Announces 2001 Schedule Chi Epsilon Sigma Executive Committee Meeting Minutes, February, 2001 How Wives, Lovers And Others Deal With Crossdressing, by Barbara Van Horn "Happiness..." As A Crossdresser, by Rebecca Adams So, Whose Fault Is It?, by Joan and Lucy Stone On Balance, by Rachel Rene Boyd
This newsletter is a labor of love for each of our contributing editrixes. Please join the staff by submitting your own insights into the world of crossdressing. You can send your input to RRBoyd@aol.com, or R. R. Boyd, P.O. Box 2252, Ashburn, VA 20146-9152.
From the Editrix
Eye halve a spelling chequer.
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long,
And eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it.
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh.
My chequer tolled me sew.
Rachel Rene Boyd
Newsletter Editrix
The Chi Epsilon Sigma regular meetings will be held on the following Saturdays in 2001. Please note that the July 28th meeting will be a non-dressing event to express our appreciation to our spouses and S.O.s for their understanding and support throughout the year.
January 13
March 24
February 17
April 21
May 19
June 23
July 28 (DRAB)
August 25
September 22
October 27
November 17
December 15
Terri Lynn Andrews, Chairperson
terrilynna@hotmail.com
Becky Adams, Vice Chairperson
beckyxd@hotmail.com
Grace Gardener, Secretary/Treasurer
grace-gardener@home.com
Yvonne Sullivan, Past Chairperson
yvonne@netrax.net
Donnene Edwards, Spouse Representative
doneene373@aol.com
Mary Alice Barrett, Membership*
zoom@paonline.com
Victoria Frost, Programs Director*
victoriafrost@earthlink.net
Rachel Rene Boyd, Newsletter Editrix*
RRBoyd@aol.com
*Non-voting members
Date: Saturday, March 24
Location: The usual
Room Open for Changing: 6:00-6:30 pm
Meeting Starts: 7:30 pm
Agenda: Discussion Of The Recently Completed Membership Survey
We hope to have the room rearranged slightly differently, with tables and chairs around the table so we can sit and visit with each other face-to-face and not have to look at the back of someone's head.
We'll also have the "goodie" table situated in the middle, so people can mill about it on all four sides (that way we'll all have a fighting chance like the final sale at Filene's Basement).
Spouses and S.O.s are welcome to meet separately in the additional room if they desire. Spouses and S.O.s are also welcome to remain with the survey discussion. If there is no desire for a separate meeting, then--as always--all are welcome in the general meeting.
Marsha has offered to bring her digital camera and a bunch of discs. She'll shoot as many shots of you as you (and she) can take. The disc will be yours to do with as you want. We plan that the photos will be made only in the additional room before or after the optional spouses' meeting. No photos will be made in the general meeting room. If this photo opportunity works out we may be able to do it at all meetings so that each of us can work up a digital photo album.
Please let Ashley (ashley_grants@hotmail.com) know what you'll be bringing. We suggest that you send an "all-hands" message when you do so we know who is bringing what so we don't have fifteen salads and no desserts (Horrors! Not being a rabbit, I have no problem the other way around.)
"Oscar Night at CES" was a delightful evening, replete with a "groaning board" that had everything from hors' de ourves (whores-de-vores as my boss used to call 'em) to smoked salmon and fried chicken! And chocolate chip cookies! (Odd thing about those cookies--they disappeared long before anything else did to include the hors d' ourves.)
Assisting in the best imitation of locusts since Cecil B. DeMille's and Charleston Heston's "Moses" were Barbara Van Horn, Rita, Terri and Cindi, Mary Alice, Danielle, Missey (Happy 39th!) and Rene, Ellen, Rebecca and Anne, Marsha and Doneene, Grace (who?), Janet, Yvonne and Linda, Tiffany, and Dianna. We also welcomed Julie as a transfer in from Texas (among other places...one step ahead of the sheriff maybe?). Anyway, it was a great evening that everyone seemed to enjoy.
Terri started the meeting at 7:30 (will wonders never cease? first Grace shows up and then we start on time...amazing what a change in administration can do...) with an introduction of Julie. Then Terri asked Rebecca (the writer once known as Becky) to talk about March's session.
Rebecca noted that she had received 25 of 37 surveys and that the answers were candid, provocative, and very helpful. The answers also pointed out the hazards of success. Where three years ago we were "coming out" and were focused on surviving we are now a vastly different and diverse group, with members still wrestling with the basics of makeup and bra size to members who think nothing of buying their cosmetics and bras in Hechts while en femme. So the March meeting will outline a number of options for the Chapter because "one size does not fit all." The Executive Board will meet March 11 (all members are welcome to attend...says so in the By-Laws...just write Rebecca for details...) and discuss these options and how to flesh them out and will then present them to the membership for full consideration and additional input.
In addition, Marsha will bring a digital camera and plenty of disks to the March meeting. She will do a number of photo op's with those members who want to participate. No, and I stress, NO, candid shots will be taken, only those with the knowledge and approval of the subject and only then in a studio-type arrangement in the changing room. You will keep the disk and do with it whatever you want....
After that presentation by Rebecca, Grace then introduced the movie for the evening, "Just Like a Woman." The flick was very well received by all present and many expressed their thanks for the Chapter getting a copy of what had been heretofore a very difficult film to latch on to. The video was offered for loan and immediately snapped up...those who want to get on the mailing list for a loan of the video please contact Rebecca and she'll manage to get it to you one way or another.
The evening ended about 10:00 and all seemed to have a good time...even the front desk agreed! We always manage to take a couple of plates of goodies out to the front desk...'tis surprising how their overall attitude has shifted over the past year or so from cautious toleration to wholehearted welcome! Food--especially the type we bring in--seems to have charms that even music doesn't have!
Mark March 24 on your calendar for the next meeting...see you there! It's your chapter so be sure to be there to make sure your voice is heard!
by Barbara Van Horn
I was asked several months ago to gather material from our members and their SOs (Significant Others) on how wives, girlfriends and SOs have coped with the special challenge of having a crossdresser as a husband or special friend. The purpose is to provide others in our group or thinking about joining our group with some insight that they could benefit from in their own relationships. I think this is a wonderful idea and fits very well into our custom of helping and supporting each other, especially new members.
I know each of us can contribute valuable insight. I am especially looking forward to hearing from the GGs (Genetic Girls) in our group since they play such a crucial part in the success of these special relationships.
I am not doing a study of any kind and am passing no judgments on how people feel or choose to deal with crossdressing. My goal is to produce a pamphlet of essays about successful coping strategies our Tri-Ess community might find helpful.
Of course, the source of all material is completely confidential and will not be associated with anyone's identity. I would like to use first names to help readers connect, but will gladly use pseudonyms to protect identity. I will list contributors who wish to be credited in an appendix but will not identify their article unless they specifically tell me to.
I really want this collection to be stories from our hearts. Still, to help folks focus I have suggested some questions below that might be useful in organizing thoughts. Use as many or as few as you like, or none at all.
1. Think about how or when did you discovered your husband/SO was a crossdresser.
2. How did it make you feel?
3. How did you learn more about crossdressing?
4. Were there particular sources of information or support that were especially helpful?
5. Over time how has your personal point of view about crossdressing changed?
6. What is it about crossdressing that you like the most or least?
7. How has the Tri-Ess or CES community been of benefit to you?
8. Describe the most successful strategies you and your husband/SO have found.
9. What accommodations have been needed and work best? How did you discover them?
10. What would be the best advice you could give others concerning dealing with crossdressing?
So please dust off your word processor and write a page or two to share how you've sorted out a potentially complex situation. I prefer electronic files by email or diskette. My email is barb99@hotmail.com or bring a diskette to one of our meetings.
Thank you in advance for helping with such an important project. I hope to share a finished product with you all within a few months.
The modern pace of things has left a gap in what ladies of an earlier age would define as the "matter of class." And Miss Cheri and Miss Victoria attempted to bridge the chasm between "times past" and "times present" with a genteel afternoon taken over tea.
Miss Victoria's initial invitation spoke of flowers, and hats, and feminine--truely feminine--dresses, and gloves...the things dreams are made of...especially for those of us who watched with envy as our older sisters or neighborhood girls were turned into young ladies through such threshold events as "taking tea." Maybe we laughed at them or made fun of them--on the outside--but on the inside we were more than a bit jealous--admit it or not. And here, Vicki and Cheri were offering us a chance to step across that threshold into a softer, more feminine, more relaxed world of manners, moves, and mystique.
We were met at the door by an elegantly dressed Cheri, resplendent in her black chiffon-sleeved pantsuit and broad-brimmed black hat. Shown into the dining room we were offered a teacup of our own and asked to select a seating at the dinner table. The selection of the cup was only the first of many difficult choices that afternoon!
We were met then for a cup of "welcoming punch" by an equally resplendent Vicki, dazzling in her selection of a form-fitting white skirt and sweater, topped with one of Lord and Taylor's latest creations--a broad-brimmed white hat with just the touch of a bow to set it off. We had been asked to bring a "collectible" that was placed on a coffee table for later discussions. Vicki placed the name of a movie starlet from the classic era of each of our backs and we spent some delightful times trying to determine whose name it was we were carrying.
We were graced with Martha, Yvonne Sullivan, Rachel, Robin and Joan, and Rebecca. All were dressed for the occasion, and clearly enjoying the opportunity to welcome spring as well as to dress up for an afternoon tea...for most of us the embodiment of a long-held dream.
Following a period of delightful conversation and gentle ribbing over answers and questions about our starlets, we were ushered into the dining room where a most delightful repast of finger sandwiches, scones (AKA "rock cakes Down Under...), and cookies, all taken with ample quantities of quality tea. The conversation around the table would have done Sardi's in NYC credit...or even the Russian Tea Room for those who might remember the site in Manhatten.
We then adjourned to the solarium where we held forth on our collectibles and answered numerous questions by all on the whys and wherefores of collecting everything from minature steins to stuffed squirrels.
It ended all too soon and the response was that this was what it was all about...the opportunity to prepare for, dress appropriately, and thoroughly enjoy an afternoon of High English Tea. Now we do know that we were right to be envious of our girl friends and sisters when they disappeared into another softer, more caring, and elegant world. There is definitely something to be said for "a touch of class" the way Miss Cheri and Miss Victoria presented it!
A very unlady-like "horse-hockey!" to those who feel that way!
And here's why. A recent article by Amy Joyce in the Washington Post health supplement addressed the "recovery" of, as she put it, "dumped dot-commers." These are individuals who rode the crest of the digital economy and who got literally dumped as the "internet wave" crested and spread out across the beaches of economic reality. It now appears as though some who survived the crash-and-burn period also see the entire episode as an opportunity "for reflection and personal development." These successful ones apparently have three needs in common. And meeting these three needs define their personal--and professional--happiness.
To paraphrase her article, there is a need to exercise creativity, a need to have relationships that offer mutual support and reciprocity, and a need to be free to pursue whatever fulfills and reinforces a sense of purpose as well as connectivity with others and with life in general.
There are parallels between the needs of those who faced such a professional crisis (which is also a personal crisis given the very personal and intellectual labor that goes into such ventures) and our needs as crossdressers. And these parallels may also show those of us who say there is no need to participate in chapter activities any more that we might be overlooking something.
There is no doubt but that to participate en femme even within the confines of a chapter meeting is an exercise in creativity. To transform our drab selves into our femme persona takes work, imagination (some times more on the part of those looking at us than on our part looking in the mirror…), and a true sense of creativity. However I would also agree that can be done at home whether "she-who-must-be-obeyed" is elsewhere or if she is the understanding and supportive spouse that we all dream of. So, okay, there are alternatives to the chapter in terms of meeting that creativity need.
But there is no denying the role of the chapter in meeting the other two needs--relationships that offer mutual support and reciprocity and a sense of purpose with connectivity to others and to life in general.
The Discovery Channel video "All Dressed Up and No Place to Go" says it all for the crossdresser who confines herself to the apartment or bedroom. Even if one has the most supportive spouse imaginable she does not know what you have gone through to get where you are nor what you are feeling as you sit there en femme. But your chapter members do--been there, done that! They offer the mutual support (even to the point of complimenting you on the most ill-fitting thing you've ever worn) and they offer you the chance for reciprocity we all need under such conditions.
Sense of purpose you ask? How is that need fulfilled or met? Our participating with others in a chapter meeting and supporting them publicly, face-to-face, just by being there fulfills that sense of purpose…that's why we formed a chapter in the first place…to support one another! What greater purpose could there be, especially as there are always new members are taking their first uncertain steps to full personal acknowledgement. As a poet once said, if you have made one person's life a better life then you are a success. And the chapter provides us all with that need for connectivity to others, especially other crossdressers and their spouses, and with life in general. Who else but a crossdresser can look at life through the prisms of both a feminine nature and a masculine nature? Is that not really living life to the fullest?
So I say to those of you who question continued participation when you have accepted yourself, when you no longer need to hide, when you no longer need to purge that there are needs that you still have, hidden as they might be. There will always be the need for expression of your creativity. There will always be the need for relationships that offer mutual support and reciprocity. And there will always be the need to be free to pursue whatever fulfills and reinforces your sense of purpose as a crossdresser as well as connectivity with other crossdressers and with life in general. And your Tri-Ess chapter can meet those needs. Stick with 'em!
By Joan and Lucy Stone
Even as close as we are, at times we have difficulty communicating. Simple words and ideas to one of us can seem like something from outer space to the other. It is not easy to exchange ideas when each of us attribute different meanings to key words or ideas. When this happens, time, effort, understanding, honesty, love and yes, even a sense of humor are needed to communicate.
It is common place for both men and women to complain about trying to understand and communicate with members of the opposite sex. In fact, sometimes both men and women are certain that members of the opposite sex must come from a different planet. How unfortunate it is that we often have the most difficulty communicating with the one person with whom we have chosen to live our lives and parent children. So, whose fault is it?
We don't believe that it is the fault of either partner. Rather it is the result of a culture that assigns the sex of each of us at birth based on the way we are plumbed. Then begins immediately a program of behavioral reinforcement, which is initiated by color coding each of us with either pink or blue blankets and booties. From the very start boys and girls are treated and dressed differently, and appropriate behavior for each sex is dictated. Each of us is constantly urged to try to become the popular stereotype for our assigned sex. For example, boys are supposed to be stoic while girls are supposed to be sensitive. To the extent that our mental conditioning reinforced by hormones succeed in pushing us toward the appropriate popular sex stereotype, each of us become conditioned to have interests and goals different from our partners and all other members of the opposite sex. Is it any wonder, we have difficulty communicating?
Consider the way we are conditioned from birth, and the added confusion, guilt and sense of inadequacy that result from feelings or physical characteristics that are at odds with society's view of the ideal characteristics for our sex. Further, consider the hormones that condition our bodies for our respective roles in propagation of our species and the roles we play as fathers and mothers that cause us to approach life somewhat differently. Is it not a wonder we can communicate with our partner at all?
Under the best of circumstances, men and women have cultural barriers to overcome if they are to communicate effectively. But what happens when the guilt from not meeting the expectation for the appropriate sexual stereotype is intensified by the desire of one partner, more frequently the husband, to dress in the clothing reserved for the other partner's sex? Then, consider the difficulty the other partner experiences because her husband's conduct is so at odds with what she has been conditioned all her life to believe. Is it any wonder the CD and the CD's spouse have difficulty communicating, and much more difficulty coming to terms with crossdressing issues?
So what can we do to compensate for the unfortunate cultural conditioning with which we are all burdened? Start by treating your partner the way you would like to be treated. Be aware that you are each burdened with a lifetime of biased psychological conditioning, and you may never totally understand each other's problems. Be positive about your partner and work to develop a balance between your needs and limitations and that of your partner, but realize that your balance point will change as both your understanding and that of your partner increases. And above all, let your love for each other take precedence over any negative feelings and doubts.
You have to begin with honesty, and each of you must be positive with your partner about your feelings, wants and desires. You may desire one thing and your partner another, but it is important that each of you try to understand the other's position. You and your partner may have substantial differences, but neither of you should take the position that your way is the only way. Rather, each of you should try to realize that you are both victims of systematic cultural conditioning, and your relationship has suffered as a result. Neither of you is to blame, and both of you are suffering. So, what are you going to do about it? Look for ways to help each other, and you will begin to come together. The process may be long and tedious, and at times, it may seem easier to throw up your hands and walk away. But if you stop talking with each other, you will never truly resolve anything. Effective communication requires both partners to listen attentively and ask questions until you understand each other and find a workable solution for living with your differences. It is something we all have to work hard to achieve, but the improvement in your relationship will be worth all the effort and pain along the way.
Once you have achieved your first basic breakthrough to understanding you have both arrived on the same planet, and you are in a position to accomplish results. However, it will take more hard work to stay on that same planet and achieve results.
If you find that you are unwilling or unable to achieve even the first glimmer of understanding with your partner, you need to ask the question "So, Whose Fault Is It?" Then, perhaps you both should take a look in the mirror!
Life is an adventure, pick up the challenge, and get on with it!
I'm going to miss seeing you, my CES sisters, again this month. It always leaves an empty spot in my heart when I miss a chapter meeting. I haven't been to a meeting since October, so I really wanted to be with you this month. But a family get-together came up that same weekend. One of the things that I have promised myself is that family will always come first.
Several of us have written articles about maintaining balance in our crossdressing lives. At the risk of being boring, I think it's important that we continue to remind ourselves of what our priorities should be. We can't let our crossdressing unduly interfere with our family lives, or we risk losing that which is dearest to us. That sometimes makes for difficult decisions, for us and for our spouses. For me, this is one of those times.
I dearly want to come to each and every CES meeting. Having missed five in a row, I feel I'm getting disconnected from my community. So there is the strongest urge to tell the family I just can't make this birthday party (after all there will be others). Being a crossdresser is certainly an obsession that can easily lead to self-destructive behaviors. Sometimes I catch myself thinking I would do anything to be a woman. But that's not true. I won't give up my marriage, my family, or my economic security.
So there you have it. Balance. We all have to balance that internal urge to be the girl of our dreams with the reality of being husbands, fathers, and wage earners.
But don't feel sorry for Rachel. She's been out plenty these past few months. She's been going to other group meetings, private parties, and one great time at Erie Gala. Life is still wonderful even when we can't do it all.
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Page Created: March 20, 2001