July, 1999                  Vol. 2, No. 2

From the Editrix

As Grace announced at our meeting in April, I have agreed to be our newsletter editor. (That is such a hard, masculine word...Editor. Maybe I could be the Editress, or Editrix, if my new powers extend to editing the English language. Hmmm)

You know that I love to write things about my experiences as a crossdresser. I will contribute my part, but more importantly I want to encourage each of you to participate. One of our goals as a chapter is to provide community and communication. Some of that community comes in meetings, but it also comes in sharing ourselves in the newsletter. Your sisters are very interested in your experiences and perspectives.

One of the things that Jane Ellen Fairfax talked about at our April meeting was how dangerous it is for an organization to be dependent on one person, or a very few people. The example was what happened to Tri-Ess several years ago when Carol Ann Beecroft was sick for several months. She had been carrying the load of administering the national organization pretty much by herself. When she could no longer do it, nobody was there to pick up the slack. Newsletters didn't go out, correspondence wasn't answered, and membership went into a steep decline.

We don't want that to ever happen with Chi Epsilon Sigma. That's why we need everyone involved in the life of our chapter. One way that we can do that is to have an active newsletter, that is really "newsy", and has input from multiple Contributing Editors (Editress', Editrixes, whatever). To make that happen, I have decided that I will appoint each of you to the editorial staff. That means you are expected to contribute from time-to-time. With the education and training represented in this chapter, it shouldn't be difficult for any of us to make a contribution. In fact, we have several ideas about topics that need to be in our newsletter. I will be contacting some of you directly about your new editorial assignments.

My plan is that we will get back on a monthly schedule beginning with this edition. To encourage regular publication, the first Friday in every month will be our deadline. The next DEADLINE is JUNE 4.

Looking forward to seeing your contribution.

Rachel Rene Boyd
Editrix
BoydRachel@aol.com

On Cross-Dressing Safely

Those of you who were in Williamsburg for the March meeting heard some important words on personal safety considerations when we are dressed en femme from Trooper Eric VanFossen of the Virginia State Police. His talk prompted me to write this commentary.

He stated that when each of us is cross-dressed, we are as vulnerable as are our wives. Many criminals are more likely to attack a woman than a man. However, he didn't mention an additional vulnerability that each of us faces, the potential life-threatening consequences that could result from not passing. There are many intolerant individuals, who do not understand us or feel threatened by anyone who is at all different from the generally accepted stereotype. The typical response is to label us as "gay". Given the right set of circumstances that subjects any of us to a potentially fatal "gay bashing."

Does the potential for great harm mean that each of us should stay in our individual closets with our doors locked tight? Of course not, but what it does mean is that we should take the trooper's advice very seriously. He told us to cross dress as often as we find practical but to think through each outing beforehand to screen for situations with the potential for personal harm. Specifically, he said to observe the following:

When going to a part of town that you don't know or you don't feel secure, before going there always plan your route, as well as alternate routes for quick escape.

Don't engage in confrontations of any kind with other motorists. If another motorist gets offended because you inadvertently cut him off and begins to harass you, get away from the situation as quickly as you can.

Based on my experience, I would also add several additional points:

Whenever you go out always dress and act like a lady.

Go places where and at times when ladies usually go, and always blend in. For example, a trip to the mall on Saturday, dressed in pants and a casual top would be a good choice. Wearing a short skirt and heels and going unaccompanied to a bar late at night would seem like a bad choice.

I have been going out dressed for more than twenty years, and I currently go out on the average of once per week. I have always tried to observe the points set forth above, and I have never experienced a response from others that was more serious than a questioning glance. I wouldn't be so foolish as to say that I couldn't have a problem someday, but as long as I use good judgement in choosing my outings, the probability is unlikely.

One of the greatest dangers for each of us is the tendency to rush into a sudden opportunity to dress. For it can be all too easy to ignore or rationalize away any potentially high-risk problem areas. So take your time, and if possible, go with someone else. I have been greatly aided because I have a supportive wife who helps me plan ahead to avoid pitfalls and potentially hazardous situations. Going with another person, whether your spouse or another cross-dresser, is also a good idea because you can help each other avoid problems. For this reason, women usually do not go alone when they can go with someone else.

My first time out as Diane was everything I had dreamed of, and more. I had the pleasure of going to the dinner meeting of Chi Epsilon Sigma with Lucy, Joan, Katherine, and Nikki.

We were all staying at a hotel near the meeting place. Lucy called my room and asked me to join them in their room before we left. I liked this idea, as it would give me time to get my nerve up. Once I exited my room I was nervous, excited, and scared. Lucy¹s room was on the opposite side of the hotel. Due to the hotel design I would have go to the first floor, walk to the other side and back up to the third floor. Walking down the hall to the elevator, I passed several people who didn¹t seem to pay any attention to me. I felt a little relieved as I entered the elevator alone. By the time I got on the elevator and took a good breath, it was time to get off. As I exited the elevator, I had a choice. If I turned right I would have to go through the lobby. If I went left, I would have to go through the pool area. I chose the pool because it was closed earlier. However, when I got to the pool entrance, there were people swimming with kids running around, so the third option was to go outside and around the building. About half way around the building, I heard someone say, "Hey baby!" and whistles and honking horns. I just kept going, not even looking their way.

As I reentered the hotel I passed several more people who did not seem to notice me. So I proceeded to an elevator and once again found it empty. As I reached the third floor and thought, "I'm almost there", the door opened and there were several people waiting to get on. Once I made it to Lucy¹s room I was relieved. About the time I started relaxing it was time to go to the restaurant. At least this time I was with other people.

After meeting up with everyone we left for Central Station restaurant. I was a nervous, but after meeting so many people like myself and their wives, I started enjoying myself. After a short while, I did not want the night to end. When I got back to my room after the dinner meeting, I couldn¹t sleep. I could only think, "What a wonderful evening!" I can't wait until the next meeting. Thanks to all who took the time to set up this wonderful evening out and a special thanks to Lucy and Joan. Without their support I would not have made it this far in exploring my second self. I wish the very best to all my newfound sisters.

We are excited to announce a new product. New to us just the last few days are very nice LARGE size fingernails. They come pre-painted, and are quite nice. We have not added them to the web site yet, but they are coming soon. They will sell for $30.00 for your initial set (includes full set of pre-painted nails, glue, file, and removing tool), then $20.00 for each additional set. The nails are reusable. If taken care of, the manufacturer says they can last for up to six months.

We have had many members request these nails, so maybe this would be a great way to let everyone know we have heard their request and responded with a quality product.

http://www.MyladysMirror.com
Myladys_Mirror@hotmail.com
Fax 410 374-3492

I have never thought of myself as being much of a shopper. Certainly my male self is not. He would rather not go shopping at all, but if forced to do so, leaves as quickly as possible. He equates time in a mall with a good golf score‹as low as possible.

So when one of my sisters in Chi Epsilon Sigma, Grace Gardener, suggested we go for a daylong shopping tour at an outlet mall, at first I had my doubts. But any outing en femme is fun, so I began to warm to the idea rather quickly. We picked a date several weeks in advance and made our plans.

My next thought was, "I have nothing to wear! My femme clothes are all too dressy for a shopping mall. So I decided I needed some slacks, a sweater, and some flats to fit into the shopping scene. I purchased my shopping outfit, but as it turned out, I didn't wear it after all. I wore a green corduroy skirt and matching sweater, which turned out to be very acceptable. Grace was the consummate businesswoman in a blue/gray/green plaid skirt, a gray turtleneck, with a blue blazer and low heeled navy shoes. We were shopping in the middle of the week, so we looked like we professional women stopping by the mall on our way to or from work.

We met about 9 a.m. and drove the hour and a half to the outlet malls in Lancaster, PA we wanted to explore. By the time we arrived, our first need was to find a ladies room. No problem. Being midweek the mall was not crowded at all, so we didn't encounter anyone in the ladies room. However, shortly after we left the ladies room, we were standing in the hallway outside looking at a map of the mall when a maintenance man opened the ladies room door and asked if anyone was inside before he entered. Neither of us have passable voices, so we weren¹t sure how we would have answered had we been on the inside when the maintenance man arrived.

We began to systematically go to each of the ladies wear, jewelry, and footwear stores in the mall. We started at one end of the mall and proceeded to each and every store. That seemed to me to be a rather "male" approach to shopping, but it ensured we didn't miss anything.

We were always greeted in each store. "Hello ladies. Can we help you with anything?" was the usual greeting. There were no untoward remarks. We were surprised when one sales lady said, "You ladies certainly are quiet." Being conscious of our not-to-well disguised voices, we were talking to each other in low tones, or not at all. The sales lady was used to women shopping in pairs talking a lot about their finds. After that, we talked more freely. I'm sure we weren't fooling anybody, but as long as we acted like ladies, we got treated like ladies.

Grace made the first purchase, some lovely lapel pins. About the same time I found a watch that I needed. Both of us have credit cards in our femme names, so we whipped them out to make our purchases with great confidence.

Before we knew it, it was time for lunch. Back in the car, we drove down the road to Miller's Smorgasbord, a landmark eating establishment in the heart of the Pennsylvania Dutch country. We were greeted and served with the same courtesy as any customer. We made numerous trips to the smorgasbord tables, totally enjoying our ability to do so without any apparent notice by the other customers. We had a lovely lunch, and a delightful time being there.

Then it was back to the mall for some more shopping. We were busy comparing the styles and prices in the various dress stores. Like most crossdressers, we are mostly catalogue shoppers, and we tend to look for values. We enjoyed the freedom to look through the selections in the stores at our leisure, comparing styles and prices. We decided that we didn't care much for the designer label stores, like Pendleton, Talbot's, etc. Too expensive for someone who doesn't wear a dress every day. We tended to like what we found in stores like The Dress Barn, and Westport for Women. Of course the challenge was finding things that were pretty, in our size, and in our price range. We never knew the process could be so much fun.

Some of our best buys were made at Westport. Grace found a long black skirt that she needed, and several blouses. I found a dress in a floral print with a white short sleeve jacket that seemed just right for me. I asked the sales lady to try it on. She said that she admired my choice and showed me to the changing room. I slipped into the dress, and it was a perfect fit. I went back out into the store to show Grace, and another of the sales ladies said, "Oh, that looks very pretty on you." Well, they really know how to use flattery to increase sales! Out comes the credit card again!

We finished the day by going back to the Aigner shoe store that we had visited early in the day. Grace had seen some shoes there that she liked. So we went back and she bought three pairs. While paying for her purchases, the man waiting on her addressed her as "sir", then had a puzzled look on his face when he saw her femme name on her credit card. But that was the only time all day that anyone addressed us or treated us as anything other than the ladies we were trying to be.

At the end of the day we had arranged to meet one of our other sisters and her spouse for dinner. We met at Bube's Tavern, an historic former brewery in Mt. Joy, PA. We knew the restaurant to be gender friendly, although by then we were accustomed to going just about anywhere we wanted to! We had a couple of drinks in the bar, and then a lovely dinner in "The Catacombs", underground vaults that were once used in the brewing process.

I have always been puzzled by how women relate to shopping as entertainment. To me, it has always been a chore that has be done, but not necessarily enjoyed. But after this day, I am beginning to understand the lure of shopping. The challenge of finding just the right combination of style, color, size, and price is exhilarating! I may not have been born to shop (or born female), but I'm learning how!

Not only do we have to cope, on our own terms, with cross-dressing; we volunteered to talk to a college class about it! Kate Thomas, a psychotherapist who had previously addressed Chi Epsilon Sigma on the issue of cross-dressing, extended an open invitation to talk to students of hers who was studying sexuality. The offer was accepted, but I wonder just how many of us really thought it would come to pass. Well, it came to pass and, lo and behold, I found myself volunteering, along with my wife Lisa.

On Monday, April 26, Grace, Terri, Lisa and I went to Villa Julie College in Baltimore. We met Kate outside and walked in. I do have to admit I found the hallway to the classroom somewhat foreboding, not really knowing if I was ready for this. I wondered if there would be people any of us knew in there and how or what they might be thinking of us. Soon enough we found ourselves in front of a class of students. I quickly noted that 1) they were a lot younger than I was, and 2) they were mostly female. Grace and Terri went en femme while I decided to go en homme. Lisa and I talked about it and decided it might be better if I dressed "normally" to lend a contrast to Grace and Terri.

Grace led off with an excellent overhead projection review of crossdressing, including "facts and fictions" of cross-dressers, who we are, why we do it (don't know, we just do) and the differences between cross-dressers and other transgendered people. Terri followed, talking about her experiences with cross-dressing including the emotional as well as the spiritual impacts on her life and how she interacted with her wife in the cross-dressing area. Lisa and I further expanded on cross-dressing and how we dealt with it from a couple¹s view. Lisa provided insight on how she felt as far as how she viewed not only me, but also others in our group, as well as her perspective on cross-dressing in general.

Thoughout the class, students were free to ask any questions they had or to relate any stories they wanted to share. All in all, we all felt the class went very well. I can't say, from my standpoint, if we changed anyone's views on us, but I would like to think we did. Several students did mention some incidents they were aware of regarding people they knew who had "experiences" with some form of cross-dressing, so it was not all us doing the talking.

Time ran out rather quickly, to our surprise. Looking back, it was a great experience. We all enjoyed ourselves and we got word out about not only ourselves but also about Tri-Ess in general. Once I got over the initial nervousness, I felt pretty comfortable talking about cross-dressing. Collectively we decided that if the opportunity presented itself again, we'd do it in a heartbeat. Grace even talked about extending offers to other educational institutions in the area offering our services if there was a need or desire. Everyone gave and everyone received during our visit to Kate's class so, I guess it would be fair to say everyone came away a winner, and that's the best part!

Your Editrix Asks: What kind of questions did the students ask?

Kim and Lisa: There weren't as many questions as I thought there would be. I think maybe because Grace covered potential ones in the overview. Someone asked Grace if she knew at what point people "decided" they were cross-dressers. Grace mentioned that as far as she was concerned, there really wasn't that "realization" that she was a cross-dresser at a certain point. I said that it wasn't something you could put a finger on; it just happened. I used the example of homosexual/lesbian and the fact that they didn't choose to be that way; it just was. Terry also added that when asked if she could take a pill that would make the cross-dressing go away, as well as recollection of it, would her wife want her to. She said "No,² as did Lisa. Lisa said "It's part of who we are." They wanted to know if Lisa and I ever fight over clothing. Grace was asked if it's "exciting" to put on women's clothing. Grace said it wasn't (from an erotic standpoint). I said it sort of was, but that once I'm dressed it's not as "exciting." (This is hard to explain, but hope you know what I mean. I think the getting dressed part is exciting more than the actual now I'm dressed part).

They wanted to know who knew of our cross-dressing (i.e. kids, friends, and parents). They asked Lisa if she would go out in public while I'm dressed. She said yes, as for example at Chi Epsilon Sigma meetings in public places. Several felt people should be able to dress as they wish and it was okay with them. (Easier said than done, though!)

Your Editrix Asks: Had the students encountered crossdressing elsewhere?

Kim and Lisa: The only stories relating to cross-dressing they was one who said a friend of hers was dressed up as a cheerleader for Halloween. She said he seemed to enjoy it quite a bit so she wondered if maybe he could be a cross-dresser. Grace added that Halloween is a great holiday for us and it's also a convenient time for others to "dress" and get away with it using the holiday as an excuse. Another related a story about a boy who used to wear a long skirt and funky long socks. Students used to comment on his wearing the skirt.

My husband and I thank all of our friends in Tri-Ess for your kind support over the past 18 months. We have learned a lot about a very important and yet hidden part of society. People are not used to talking about men exploring female energy, let alone putting on female clothes and makeup. So many of you have shared your joy and sorrow, and have revealed yourself to me with your emails. I have learned about you as persons and your friendship has made a big difference in my quiet days at home without a project, computer, or corporate people to interact with. Because of your friendship and kindness I was able to cope with my painful infertility problem. You have helped me vent some of my frustration and sorrow at my recurrent miscarriage problem. You and I came to learn about each other and our varied worlds through many questions that we have about our gender and inner self.

Some of us are asking themselves very serious questions about physical gender. Some of us are asking ourselves about our cultural gender. So let's examine what a woman is inside. Some choose to get pregnant, give birth, and become mothers and find themselves the mentor to youngsters. Some cannot become pregnant because of circumstance. Motherhood does not make a female a woman. A woman becomes an adult through her love, nurturing and friendship. She becomes a woman by extending her inner being as she listens, understands her lover/SO/mate/spouse's purpose, goals and lifelong dreams. If she is unable to even try to begin understanding her mate's search for meaning and pursuit of dreams, she hasn't become a complete woman.

Her behavior reflects getting in touch with what is important and meaningful to her loved ones and friends. There has to be a dedicated and determined focus on this altruistic act of reaching out to the other person. Her behavior demonstrates love for herself, her own dreams, and her empathy for others' dreams-especially her significant other.

It is my belief that women are meant to teach the rest of society that compassion, empathy, love and understanding are meant to be at the very foundation of everyday living. That foundation should dictate how we make our laws, how we educate our young, how we provide for our aged, and how we value each individual. Gentleness and compassion are behavioral qualities that are not meant to be gender specific.

Perhaps men are meant to learn from the behavior of women. If most men could get past their aggressive behavior and learn from a woman's empathy, the world might be a better place.

I would hope that the men who are seeking to better understand their feminine aspect would consider that their journey is part of their own energy. The solution does not lay waiting in a bottle of black cohosh capsules, depo-provera or Estrace. No, you won't find the solution outside of yourself, you have to look and examine inside yourself first.

Many women are seeking to overcome centuries of prejudice towards our inborn empathy, insight and intuitive behavior to teach men about how these "female" qualities can be found within them. A responsible mother or aunt will demonstrate this in raising a son or nephew. Even before the 1960s, there were women courageous enough to raise a son to value his gentle side along with his competitive nature, and were wise to raise daughters to excel in academics and the professions will equal determination.

Women are not seductress creatures by design. I beg to disagree with the Old Testament, but we are not cursed by Eve because of her misdeed. Perhaps to please our mate we choose to get ourselves dolled up to look pretty and catch a certain significant other's attention. But we are not sex objects, ditzy blondes, hysterical redheads, or bouncy boobed brunettes. Maybe we even get dolled up to please ourselves. We are people, we are human, and we are meant to teach men about peace.

There are quite a few men in Tri-Ess don't wish to maintain the war inside themselves let alone wage it with others. There are others who are anguished in their "dilemma" who believe that if they have a pair of fleshy breasts to gaze at privately in the mirror that somehow they are "really" a woman. Not so. These genetic males are committing a terrible irresponsibility of really getting to know themselves on the inside first. Being a woman is not about "breasts". Perhaps the crossdressers might understand this better than most. Crossdressers understand the difference between real and pretend, putting things into timed out segments, getting on with their real responsibilities instead of running away.

Being a woman is not about having breasts. If anybody wants to know what it really feels like to have breasts and nurse a baby, please email me offline. I will be glad to send you a five-sentence description of what it's really like. It's a special experience, but it's not the only thing that sets us apart from men. What you might be imagining in your mind may really be very far from the truth. There are a lot of misconceptions about what breasts feel like when we walk, jump, put on a blouse, or even take a shower. You would be surprised! It's not all you think it is. And by the way: we don't feel the weight and density of our breasts bouncing as we walk, at least not when we are not lactating. Nursing has its own differences, but those are transitory.

I have come to see that quite a few men in Tri-Ess really care about finding and keeping a real peace inside themselves. And so they have looked to women. Why not? The women haven't been waging war, killing others, competing globally at the cost of others. (I am excluding the Scarlet O'Hara types out there. Scheming never worked in the long run-somebody always ends up paying a terrible price). Women listen, brainstorm and find solutions by talking it out, sometimes with their friends. They typically find more social solutions.

Women are typically the peacemakers. I have been criticized for my attempts at diplomacy and hearing the other person. I have been praised for it, too. Many of my female friends have had insight into conflict resolution that really worked and had lasting, permanent results. But isn't peace and contentment a lot easier to live with than perpetuating conflict and violence?

Women don't typically fight back to perpetuate war. If we get into a conflict, we search for a quick resolution. To the men who are searching for their inborn gentleness and empathy, I thank you. Searching for who you really are will make you better fathers, husbands, lovers, friends and colleagues.