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December 14 En femme dinner party at a local restaurant

January 25 Fashion Show

February 22 Tips on Makeup and Nails, by Linda and Yvonne Sullivan

May 17 Open forum discussion: "How Do You Explain....."

June 28 TBA

July 26 Picnic

August 23 Picnic

September 20 Dr. Kate Thomas, Gender Therapist

October 25 Halloween Party

November 22 TBA

December 13 Holiday Party

Well, there really weren’t too many "costumes" present at the annual "Patron Saint’s Day" celebration—although a St. Pauli Girl did compete with a well-stacked Playboy Bunny while a Gypsy shook her castanets at a New Jersey Tomato. And of course there was a Witch to preside over it all, and a French Maid who I suppose was there to clean up after the party!

The rest of us came as we usually did, and as usual had a great time…pizza and all! (Gee, girls, we really do need to coordinate the amount and types of wine…from barely enough one meeting to a plentitude at the next…more on that later.)

In attendance were Becky Adams, Becky Leight, Danielle, Deb, Julie Miller, Mary Alice, Mikki, Pat Hayes, Rachel, Rosemary and Theresa, Shana, Sue and Terri, Terri Lynn, Tiffany, Tina, and Yvonne and Linda.

During a very short business meeting—in which the Holiday Party on the 14^th of December was officially announced—Becky brought up the subject of conducting an occasional round-table discussion during a chapter meeting. This suggestion was based on one from Grace that outlined the benefits of all of us sharing ideas and information. Becky noted that the November 23 session will be on the "Down Side" and how we have handled our various bouts with the negative aspects associated with crossdressing, whether those aspects stem from not being able to share this with a spouse to a variety of causes. She said she would e-mail a short piece she has entitled "Crossdressing: Be it a Blessing and a Curse" as a starting point for next month’s discussion.

We also settled on a schedule for the coming year, as shown above.

Following that—actually interrupting this discussion—came the pizzas! Did we make his day! In more than one way—can imagine the conversation topic at the local Papa John’s when he got back! Anyway, we stayed well past the last of the pizza and enjoyed ourselves in sharing experiences, working on makeovers, and generally finding pleasure in each other’s company!

See ya next month!

Over the years I have received many gifts from relatives and friends and I have appreciated all of them, but I do not always remember them, especially if they are of a practical nature. There are some that I will never forget and they are fond memories.

I do not remember the year, but let us say that it was about ten years ago that I saw a beautifully wrapped present under the Christmas Tree in our living room. It had my name on it and, of course, I wondered what it could be. It was from, Theresa, my wife and for several days I kept wondering what it could be. There was something about it that fascinated me, but I couldn’t guess what it could be. Finally, Christmas came and the time for our family to open our gifts. Theresa whispered to me that I should open my present in the bedroom privately. Now I was excited and I could not wait any longer. When I saw that no one was looking I took the present to our bedroom where I quickly opened it. I was absolutely delighted with what I saw. There were two separate items and one was a shoebox and the other was a black suede handbag. In the shoebox I found a pair of black suede pumps with four-inch stiletto heels. With the bedroom door locked I put on some panty hose and put on my new shoes just to see how they felt and how I walked in them. What a nice gift. I was overjoyed.

Later, after everyone had left, I changed into a black dress over a black satin slip then I put on my panty hose again with the new shoes. I placed the shoulder strap over my left shoulder and, of course, I put on my wig. I couldn’t have been more pleased and this Christmas was a huge success for me. I hugged and kissed Theresa and thanked her for such a nice gift and so appropriate for a crossdresser. Black suede pumps were in style then and I loved them with the matching handbag.

Some years before that Theresa thrilled me with another pair of black, high heel, pumps, but these were black satin and the heels were five inches high. It was lots of fun for me to walk around with these shoes on.

It wasn’t long ago that Theresa surprised me with a long "fake" fur coat for Christmas and I wore this to the Dinner Theater in February of 2002. I had been wanting to wear it because I was finally out of the closet, but the weather hadn’t been cold enough. It looked good enough to be a real fur and it was black in color. I preferred to have a "fake" fur rather than a real one.

There was one gift that Theresa gave me in 1987 that I will always remember because I have had so much fun with it. This is an "American Girl" doll that can be dressed in one of the many dresses that we bought for it in addition to the dress that came with it. At a "Femme Fever" Photo-op last June, I wore, as one of my three outfits, my Sailor style dress and I brought my doll wearing her Sailor dress. This combination made some cute photos. I may wear this dress and bring my doll in her Sailor dress at some Chapter meeting. After all I was a real Sailor at one time. On Saint Patrick’s Day, I dress her in a green velvet dress with a green hair ribbon and a Celtic Cross as a necklace. Having this doll and other dolls makes me feel just a bit more feminine. Theresa thought that if I wanted to dress in female clothes, I should have dolls too. There are many grown up ladies who collect dolls.

It was in May of 2001 that I wrote to Tri-Ess and received a return letter that opened with "Hi Rosemary" from Marlene. This was a thrill for me and turned that dark depressing day, because of my illness, into a beautiful sunny day. Less than two months later I had my first Femme Birthday when I appeared, for the first time, in front of others in female attire. That was at a Sigma Nu Rho Chapter meeting on July 28, 2001. Since then I have been going out in public, En Femme, with my wife, other crossdressers or by myself. After all of the years of being in the closet, I am finally free and I fully admit to myself that I am a crossdresser.

Finally, since my wife, Theresa, has joined the CES Chapter and Tri-Ess, we are now Tri-Ess Sisters.

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Rosemary made a comment at the Chapter meeting this October that I initially blew off. The comment was something to the effect that we really need to think about those spouses who are supportive of our activities. I passed it off by simply agreeing with her and going on to another topic.

Well, that all came home to me the next morning when I was in the process of washing out my nylons from the previous week as well as removing some makeup from around the collar of the very feminine white blouse I had worn the night before. My spouse—who is very supportive and understanding—saw me scrubbing away and offered some very much appreciated pointers as how to do what I was doing both easier and more efficiently. She left the bathroom where I was doing this with a remark that where I was just learning these things, she had a good number (I won’t say how many…a lady never reveals her age…) of year’s experience at such work.

Rosemary’s remarks came back with a vengeance.

It dawned on me that I’m sure my wife never once thought that she’d one day be helping her husband wash out his thigh-highs when she walked with me under that arch of sabers following our military wedding. Nor did she ever think that she’d be suggesting that this color blouse would go better with that plaid skirt I wanted to wear when she raised four children while I was in Vietnam, the Middle East, and elsewhere while on active duty. Nor did she ever think she’d be giving her husband advice on what color of eye shadow and lipstick would go best with the formal he was planning on wearing.

But she is and she does…and for the last year or two I’m afraid I’ve begun to take these things for granted. She didn’t know about Becky until we’d been married 38 years, made 27 changes of residence, raised four children, gone through at least seven different job changes and four career changes…and never once has she asked "what else are you hiding from me?" Or any other "doubting" question or comment—we’ve worked out our agreements—I don’t even call them compromises because these conditions are what I want, too—that allow us to continue on. So Rosemary is right, we who are fortunate enough to have spouse who know, accept, and support us—regardless of the degree of support—owe them a debt of gratitude that I don’t think we’ll ever be able to repay.

There are many spouses who, when told of their husband’s crossdressing are either coldly tolerant or non-supportive. And this is fully understandable—I, for one, expected such a response (or stronger) when I worked up the courage to tell her. A crossdressing husband was not what they expected or dreamed of when they took the marriage vows—and we all operate off of expectations and dreams. So those of us who have a supportive spouse really need to realize how fortunate we are and in return, support and love them dearly—and never, never take them for granted. Simply put, we turned out to be something they didn’t expect us to be so they have not taken us for granted and neither should we.

I was checking into a hotel last week, and the experience reminded me of how we need to be prepared when going out en femme. We won’t always be greeted with grace and dignity. My experiences in public have been almost uniformly great. But we have all heard the reports of other sisters who have been attacked and even murdered when venturing out in public.

Last week I had a lovely dinner with a sister at her home. I had a business trip the next day, so after dinner I drove a couple of hours and checked in to a hotel. The reservation at the hotel was in my legal name, guaranteed by my Corporate AMEX card. When I arrived and presented myself at the front desk en femme, the reception clerk asked to help me.

"Reservation for Smith, please."

The clerk entered my name in the computer and asked, "Is that John Smith?"

"Yes."

The clerk confirmed my reservation, scanned my AMEX card, issued my room key, and wished me a pleasant stay.

All very courteous. Just another routine transaction she has done thousands of times, and I have done hundreds of times. Nothing unusual. She didn’t bat an eye at my appearance. I suppose I could delude myself into thinking she assumed I was Mrs. Smith, checking in with my husband’s credit card. You have to be a little delusional to be a crossdresser. But I’m not that far gone. I know most people who have close contact with a crossdresser realize who we are fairly quickly.

Most of my experiences in public have been very much like this. When you present yourself well and act like a lady, you will be treated like a lady. Most of the time.

I had the opposite experience about two years ago. In this case I was checking out of a hotel en femme. I had checked into the hotel in drab the night before using my legal name. But I needed to check out the next morning fully dressed for a day as Rachel. The desk clerk was not amused. She snarled at me,

"Was your room satisfactory, SIR?"

"Do you need a receipt, SIR?"

"Please sign here, SIR."

The disdain in her voice was unmistakable. She obviously did not approve of me, and was clearly making her disapproval known. I wished her a pleasant day, because I knew my day was going to be better than her day.

These two experiences with hotel desk clerks remind me that we must always be prepared for an adverse reaction. Most of my experiences in public have been overwhelmingly positive. But the reaction of the second desk clerk reminds me it may not always be so. When men go out in public crossdressed as women, we open ourselves up to some level of vulnerability. In the wrong place at the wrong time, we may even become the targets of violence. We are taking a risk when we go out in public. For me the reward is worth the risk. But as the sarge said on HSB, "Be careful out there."

So?

Listen some time to a crossdresser try and develop a set of compromises with the spouse as to where and when the crossdresser can shift attire (sounds like garage work…). The genetic male will come at it from a logic viewpoint in terms of boundaries, times, locations, etc. while the genetic female will approach it from a "how it will affect" her perspective. And trust me, they can’t get there from here using those two viewpoints. The genetic woman’s life is built upon relationships that are collaborative and equal in nature…the genetic man’s life is built on a hierarchical scale of one-up and one-down relationships where he can choose to participate or drop out. She can’t and she won’t. Have you ever wondered why men have very few if any close friends with whom they will discuss the most intimate things? Like, how many friends have you shared your crossdressing with (other than other CES members)?

Men need acquaintances, women need friends. With acquaintances one passes the time of day by talking about non-personal things—how ‘bout them O’s? Or how’s the downturn affecting you? With friends one shares worries, concerns, problems, etc. So one of the biggest concerns a spouse has, even though she may not tell you this, is "what will my friends say or think if they find out I’m married to a crossdresser?" One of the saddest lines in the video "All Dressed Up and No Place to Go" comes when a woman’s closest friend when told by the crossdressers wife of her husband’s proclivity says "well, that may be all right for you but I want to be married to a real man," turns and walks out of the crossdresser’s wife’s life for good.

How many times have you heard a crossdresser say, "well, I could live with being outed" only to see the wife’s face blanch in the background. Your logic in developing the compromises may be sound, but it doesn’t hold a drop of water if your spouse’s feeling and emotions are not considered on a higher plane than your desires.

Basically a woman cannot be more like a man when it comes to such matters—they operate on a different play card than we do and sometimes the compromise has to be more than 50-50. It may have to take a decided tilt in her direction until she becomes more comfortable with you and you demonstrate that you can indeed keep your word. Remember, when you told her you were a crossdresser (especially if this occurs after you are married) the third question after "are you gay?" and "where is this going to end?" is "what else have you hidden from me?" So there is an element of trust that needs to be re-established and you can do that by keeping your end of the bargain…like a man.

In an article in the October 15, 2002 issue of "The Advocate", Mubarak Dahir reports on a new study released at the Southern Comfort transgender conference September 21. The report suggests that despite the "Jerry Springer" style exposes, the average American understands more about transgender issues than we might think.

This may be encouraging news to the transgender community. But the study was commissioned by the Human Rights Campaign, so it may reflect HRC’s perspective. It would have been more compelling had an advocacy group not sponsored it.

Still the results are intriguing. It revealed that most people are aware of what it means to be transgendered. About two thirds of the people surveyed believe that people can be born one sex but feel inside as if they are the other sex.

The results showed 23% of respondents described their overall attitude toward transgendered people as "favorable"; 24% classified themselves as generally "unfavorable"; and 32% described themselves as "neutral." Surprisingly, 74% say they would be okay working with a transgendered person; 61% favor laws to prevent workplace discrimination; and 68% support hate-crimes laws that cover transgendered people.

But there are still some widely held misunderstandings. For example, 42% felt being transgendered is a choice.

For more information on this study is available at:

http://tinyurl.com/1q5q

http://www.advocate.com/html/stories/874/874_minter.asp