From the Editrix

This newsletter is a labor of love for each of our contributing editrixes. Please join the staff by submitting your own insights into the world of crossdressing. You can send your input to RRBoyd@aol.com, or R. R. Boyd, P.O. Box 2252, Ashburn, VA 20146-9152.

Rachel Rene Boyd
Newsletter Editrix

Holiday Party

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Minutes of the August 26 Meeting

CHI EPSILON SIGMA

Charlotte presented a very interesting, entertaining, and educational program entitled “How To Surf The Net Without Regret, Or Don’t Get Netted In The Surf.” She provided a wonderful hand out, full of resources. Unfortunately it is no longer available electronically, but you might be able to get a copy from Charlotte or another sister who was there.

Charlotte often has family visit her who use her computer. So she doesn’t want to leave anything on the computer that would raise questions. She informed us on what we need to do from a computer security perspective to erase our footprints. She had ideas for protecting your information while using Screen Name, Address Book, Favorite Places, History, Cookies, Cache, Downloaded Items, Recycle Bin, and cleansing software.

On the subject of Search Engines, Charlotte suggested several. Especially useful are those engines that search other engines. For example, www.gogettem.com searches 18 other engines including such popular ones as Yahoo, Snap, MSN, and Lycos. Another super-searcher is www.searchenginewatch.com, which searches a total of 22 of the most popular search engines.

Other sites included in the presentation were listing of organizations like www.tgforum.com, www.tri-ess.net, www.gender.org, and of course www.members.tripod/~chesapeake_tri_ess. Charlotte listed for us 20 shopping sites (e.g., www.mwpcdir.com or www.abgender.com), and at least that many with “how to” advice on makeup, breastwear, high heels, and developing a feminine voice. She explained Message Boards, Chat Rooms, and addressing personal web pages of crossdressers. She concluded with 10 or so sites like www.sapphireplace.com/bates that have fantasy fiction stories.

If you love surfing for CD stuff, you HAVE TO get a copy of Charlotte’s notes!

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Girl Talk

For example, under the aspect of sex there are generally two subsets, male and female...but if one digs deeper (no pun intended) there is a third subset whose definition is not able to be set forth in clear, distinct terms--hence the transsexual who might be born with a set of apparent genitals that belie the true sex of that individual...and then there are also those of whom Colapinto's "As Nature Made Him" is but one example. But for the sake of this discussion, while we will acknowledge that one's sex (which should be readily apparent in an examining room) is not always obvious, we will accept a subset of two--male and female.

Sexual orientation...once again, while there are essentially two subsets...heterosexual and homosexual (in today's verbiage the latter are labeled lesbian or gay depending on the individual's sex), there are generally two additional possibilities...bisexual (AC-DC or swinger, whatever today's efforts at labeling individuals result in) and asexual...individuals who are not turned on at all. Once again, for sake of ease, we will accept the two major subsets of sexual orientation noted earlier--heterosexual and homosexual.

Gender! Masculine and feminine! Simple and direct, right? Well, as readers of this most of you would agree that even gender is anything but simple. And perhaps more than the two other aspects--sex and sexual orientation--culture shapes one's belief as to what gender he or she is. That is until he or she begins to realize something just isn't right. But back to our original discussion--the number of combinations and permutations that exists among sex, orientation, and gender.

Generally, usually, normally it is accepted that there are two genders...labels such as sissies (effeminates) or butches (hoydens or tomboys) notwithstanding. Once again, in those two subsets, it is largely a matter of how society perceives these individuals rather than how they perceive themselves. And such appellations apply more to affectations than to anything else. Most students of the field would agree that gender is indeed a matter of how one perceives him or herself...either when "drab" or "drag" or all of the time as a "gem"--"gender enhanced male.

So. That gives us three sets of principal categories with two subsets each, for a possible combination of eight personality types. A heterosexual male with a masculine perspective and a heterosexual female with feminine traits are what the world regards as "the expected." Our current society or culture is also becoming more open about accepting males and females that are gays and lesbians of either gender persuasion. And since the days of Amelia Bloomer our society has tacitly accepted women who dress in the masculine style, or don't use makeup, or participate in "girl play" and who expect to be judged on the same scale as their "normal" male counterparts. If you are still a skeptic then why is it that being called a tomboy is regarded favorably if you are a girl but being called effeminate is a matter of shame if you are a boy. Or why are waitresses dressed in black pants, white shirt and tie acceptable but waiters in hose and heels, skirt and blouse anathema?

Thus, as just demonstrated, that leaves only one combination out of the set of eight that is not apparently accepted or understood by the society in which we live. And that leads to the inevitable question of "Why?" What is there about heterosexual male crossdressers that is abhorrent to society? Abhorrent to even members of the gay and lesbian community?

Friends and relatives of mine who are gay--and who knew I accepted them for what they were before I "came out" about my crossdressing to them were horrified and completely taken back by my revelation. When things had settled down and we were able--at least in my perception--to discuss my crossdressing and crossdressers in general, their response was generally along the lines of "we don't understand crossdressers because they can't make up their minds about what they want to be!"

After some thought about this response--I was so taken back by its illogical premise that I couldn't respond at once--I determined that they were operating in a binary world where there were only four combinations--heterosexual males and females and homosexual males and females... the matter of gender had been ignored or had been assumed out of play. But in reality they, as homosexuals, had adopted either feminine or masculine perspectives that completed their composition in their own personal trilogy...and had either not recognized it or were unwilling to admit it about others.

So I have no clear answers to the question I posed earlier--what is there about us that makes society--and even members of the gay community--reject us? Which is why I participate in and encourage such efforts as Dr. Kate Thomas' classes or Dr. Nelson Kofie's research and proposed book...and why I'm going through the therapeutic exercise of writing articles such as this. Just for the record, what are your thoughts?

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Lucy's Window

When Joan and I headed for Houston to attend S.P.I.C.E. 2000 in July, we were hopeful that we could help others, but we were confident that any issues between us concerning crossdressing had been worked out a long time ago. We had decided to attend after conversations with Peggy Rudd, Jane Ellen Fairfax and several others during the Dignity Cruise last fall. Peggy asked us to make ourselves available to help others who were having difficulty with crossdressing issues.

I was not particularly looking forward to attending the lectures on communications and self esteem building because I have been through such lectures under the guise of management development several times in my career, but I knew it was a necessary part of the process. Similarly, Joan also had been subjected to communications and esteem building activities over the years, and she too was not greatly enthusiastic about attending the workshops. However, once the conference began we both realized how wrong we had been.

It was a wonderful conference. Even senior citizens like us found that we could benefit. And would you believe it, we found an unresolved issue. My discomfort surfaced during one of the early men’s workshop sessions when the subject of buying en homme clothes came up. There was general agreement that this is something that none of us was enthusiastic about doing. The president of the Orlando chapter of Tri-Ess said that she had found the best way to shop for her drab clothing was to do it en femme. It gave her an excuse to go shopping en femme, something many of us like to do, and at the same time, she could accomplish an otherwise uninspiring task. Besides she has the best appreciation for the right sizes, preferred colors and fabrics and budget limitations. The clincher came when the session moderator pointed out that when we dress en femme we are dressing for ourselves, but when we dress en homme we are dressing primarily for our wives.

That evening, Joan and I were comparing notes, and she mentioned that one of the common complaints in the women’s sessions was that none of their significant others liked to shop for their every day clothing, and she added this was also something that bothered her. She pointed out that the primary reason we never discussed the issue is that I had built up an elaborate set of subterfuges for avoiding it. Then, she provided me a few examples, and I had to concede she was definitely right. And I was definitely vulnerable because the memory of what our session moderator had said earlier in the day pushed my guilt button. At that moment, I was very glad that my colleague from Florida had provided me a strategy for handling a task that I always avoided as long as possible. I am certain that the Florida solution to the buying drab clothing will work for me. But even if you don't think shopping en femme in a men's clothing department is for you, you'll have to agree it is one way of discouraging the over eager salesman working on commission who otherwise might be trying to sell you a new suit.

So how do I feel about S.P.I.C.E. now? I think it is a conference for everyone. Even smug old hands like us, should attend at least once. And I am convinced that crossdressers benefit as much as wives and significant others. For a wife or significant other to fully benefit, particularly in critical areas such as communications skills and relationship building, it appears to me that it would be helpful if, at the same time, her partner also improved his capability in these critical areas.

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One Wife's Views on S.P.I.C.E. 2000

Getting couples to come together to learn and understand how to communicate was especially valuable. Each evening, Don and I discussed the reactions of various couples. I saw the women and Don saw the men struggling over many of the same issues, but often they had no idea as how to go about discussing the issue with each other. It would appear that, before coming to S.P.I.C.E., the couples having problems had been talking at each other while neither was really listening. So it was great to learn, each morning, that many of them had spent much of the night talking and were beginning to communicate with each other. Of course few problems are resolved that quickly, but it would appear that most couples made a good start.

I sincerely hope that, in the future, S.P.I.C.E. will continue to encourage couples to attend. I think it is very important that both husbands and wives learn communication skills. One alone cannot take back to the other all the lessons learned, especially when their basic problem often may be the inability to communicate with each other.

There were group sessions for women alone as well as for the men. Then we came together for other sessions.

Topics included:

Celebration of Friendship, where each woman was encouraged to put into her own words how we felt about our husbands and their crossdressing.

Building Self-Esteem, where each woman took an inventory of her self-esteem (for her eyes-only) and we did a self-acceptance exercise. Then there was discussion, and sharing, but no finger pointing.

Men and Women spiritually was a wonderful talk. The speaker, did a great job of getting the problem of spiritually defined and he put forth some thought provoking ideas and solutions.

Communication Skills and Application Skills for Men and Women. This was done by a couple who did one super job of showing us a lot about communicating with each other. Everyone would benefit from their wonderful presentation.

We had a small group discussion session on Friday afternoon. This was voluntary for anyone wanting to just talk with a few people on more individual bases and it seemed to go very well. Both the couple and single attendees seemed to be appreciative of the help they received. We spoke with each during the evening, and they expressed their gratitude for the help given.

Crossdressing and committed relationships was fantastic. The leader did a wonderful job of getting everyone to express his or her thoughts and ideas. Some good ideas and possible solutions for how to handle the crossdressing came from this session.

There was one afternoon when there was a Smorgasbord of sessions. Different groups with special interests. I can't personally comment on these as I spent the afternoon chatting with others who did not have an interest in any of the sessions. It was a great time for discussing how the conference had helped each of us.

A wonderful speaker who did a fantastic job of putting the final touches on the whole conference handled the last group session. His talk was to the point and he had a great way of getting people on their feet and expressing themselves.

Over all I think this was a wonderful conference, and I am happy that it is an annual event. I wish more chapters would do a better job of promoting S.P.I.C.E. At least one couple or individual from each chapter should attend so they can report back to their chapter. I wonder how many members of Tri-Ess really understand what this is all about and how much help it can be to everyone. The web pages are great, but it seems to me that nothing is as helpful as firsthand feedback. Don and I, along with another couple, Rob and Linda, from our chapter, who also attended, will provide feedback to our chapter (Rho Tau) meeting on August 19. And we are going to work very hard to get more participation in this program from both our single members as well as our couples. There is something for everyone at S.P.I.C.E. And I hope to see you all next year in Cleveland, Ohio.

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One Our Success Can Be Our Demise

It’s now three years later. We typically have 15-20 people at a meeting. Last count of the email list showed 41 addresses, plus a couple more members who don’t have email. We are having difficulty getting people to run for office or to volunteer for other chapter support positions. Contributions to our chapter newsletter are at the lowest point they have ever been. It appears we have reached a plateau, or maybe are in decline.

What happened? How can that be? We are constantly interviewing and adding new members. What’s going on here?

Believe it our not, this is the profile of success. Our most important mission is to provide support, a safe haven, and education to heterosexual crossdressers as they come out to themselves and their families. We are performing that mission so well, many people feel they no longer need Chi Epsilon Sigma (CES), or at least not as often.

To be sure, spinning off Rho Tau cost CES a few members. But the real dynamic is an oft-repeated profile of a crossdresser coming out to himself and others. When we formed CES three years ago, most of us were just then coming out ourselves. After years of pent up emotions and closet crossdressing, we all came out together as we formed the chapter. Everyone was full of enthusiasm. Each new experience was exciting. It seemed the sky was no limit at all to the wonderful experience of femininity. We all went to every meeting. We sought out other special events. We were OUT!

It took about a year for that euphoria to begin wearing out. After we learned we really could go to CES meetings, restaurants, shopping malls, plays, and even historic attractions without anything untoward happening, it was not so important we go to each and every CES event. Sisters who had been to every single meeting for many months, began to attend less and less often. A few members resigned completely, saying now that they are out and comfortable with themselves as a crossdresser, they no longer need CES as a support group. At least one member discovered she was not really a crossdresser, and moved on.

All of these are signs of success. We were there to help our sisters come out to themselves and to their families. We helped them understand the nature of crossdressing, what it is, and what it is not. We helped them learn to cope with that part of their being that is at once a wonderful blessing, and a source of stress in the family. Once they understood, and developed their own personal ways of coping, they didn’t need CES as much as they once did.

To be honest, our success has not been universal. Some couples appeared to be making progress with their understanding and acceptance of crossdressing, and then reverted to less open crossdressing activities. One member has even gone into another purge; something which is unlikely to be successful from everything we have learned about crossdressing.

But our overwhelming success in helping people has made CES at once a wonderful place to be, and revolving door through which to pass. People come, get help, and the go out again. That makes it hard to maintain a stable organization. It’s also why our success can be our demise. If we don’t constantly bring in new members, and more importantly bring new people into leadership, our very existence will be threatened. That’s why it is so important that each of us contribute in some way to the organization. It’s part of our dues. We need to be there for the sisters who are coming out now, even if we ourselves don’t need that support as much as we once did.