From the Editrix

Rachel Rene Boyd
Newsletter Editrix

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Chi Epsilon Sigma Executive Committee

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Special Guest Lecturer,

C E S Meeting Schedule

Most regular chapter meetings are held on the third or fourth Saturday of each month. Sometimes adjustments are made for holidays, so always consult The Wild Rose for the latest updates. The schedule for the remainder of 2002 is:

December 14 En femme dinner party at a local restaurant

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Minutes of the Chapter Meeting August 24, 2002

It rained on our parade—actually it was a picnic, but a certain amount of artistic license should be permitted. Doneene and Marsha were kind enough to offer their home as a site for our end-of-summer lawn party. Now we know why GG’s don’t like to get all gussied up in the heat of the summer. Actually the raindrops caused less mascara to run than did the heat and humidity of the afternoon! However, braving the elements in addition to Marsha and Doneene were Barbara Van Horn, Becky Adams, Becky Leight, Grace (who’s driving now! What progress in a year!), Janet, Kelsey, Linda (Yvonne was eating her heart out at the Carlisle Corvette Show), Missey and Rene, Rosemary and Theresa, Shana and Jennifer, Sue and Terry, and Tina.

Starting about 3 PM the famous baked beans began to dominate the platters of the picnic partakers and even a few raindrops about 5:30 could not dampen the spirits or the conversations. The latter took many a curious direction throughout the afternoon—all the way from learning that farm girls weren’t allowed to be around when the bulls were servicing the milk cows on the farm to testing out Janet’s GG-1 on Marsha’s layout (if you have to ask what a GG-1 is, you’re not with many crossdressers who also happen to have model railroading as a second hobby!). The fashions of the afternoon were equally diverse, but mostly in line with the weather—ranging from light, sheer chiffon outfits to shorts and tees.

As many of us had other activities to attend to, things broke up about 7 PM and we all agreed that a good time was had by all.

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We know that the phenomenon of crossdressing has been around throughout history and in many cultures. But just knowing it is pervasive doesn’t explain why it occurs. We are getting a better idea on causal factors because we are beginning to understand better the process of the development of gender identity.

There are probably three areas that determine gender:

• Biological sex – the genes, hormones, and genital sex

• Gender identity - our personal identity, our judgement about how we want to perform in society, who we are, our sense of being male or female

• Gender role - how others see us

These three areas are linked and usually congruent. Most people know that they have genes and hormones appropriate to their biological sex because their body development shows the features characteristic of that sex. They understand that they are male or female in how they feel about themselves, and they seek out and accept gender roles that are characteristic of their biological sex.

But there are those for whom gender is not completely congruent in all three areas. For some reason, clothing seems to be incredibly important to gender identity. In addition, the way we move, walk and our occupational choices are also very important.

The numbers of people in variant gender/sex identity categories is unknown. There are methodological difficulties with designing research to answer the question of how many. As a result, we simply don’t know for sure. Some say as many as 10% are gender-variant. This number includes homosexuals, bisexuals, inter-sexed individuals, crossdressers, transsexuals, and all other variations.

Gender identity is probably developed in each individual through genetic pre-disposition, physiological features, and socialization. How important each of these factors is has been the subject of some debate.

From about 1900-1970 we believed gender was probably the result of nurture, that is, early child rearing experiences were dominant. But nurture isn’t always consistent. Since the 1970s there has been a greater understanding that biology does play a role.

Cross-gender research has been performed mostly on homosexuals. We can look at that research and draw some inferences.

Some people believe there might be a gene that determines gender identification. If so, why would something like homosexuality persist through generations? A homosexual life style is not good for perpetuation of the species. So if a gender gene exists, why is it not extinguished by natural selection? Kinship theory says that homosexual individuals exist in the gene pool to provide more adults in society to care for children. This operates on the basic survival needs in a primitive society. Some individuals could carry the gene, but not exhibit the behavior. Crossdressing is not addressed by the Kinship theory, but why wouldn’t crossdressing be selected out for perpetuation of the species? Perhaps for the same reasons homosexuality is not selected out.

There have been a number of studies on homosexuality and transsexuality via twin studies. Twin studies are good for evaluating genetic connections. Usually they look at identical twins, especially those who were reared apart. How many identical twins end up as homosexual or transgender is an indication.

Since 1990 there has been much genetic transmission research on how hormones affect fetal development (eight weeks to birth). Embryos up to eight weeks of gestation have no sex. At eight weeks differentiation starts under the influence of hormones. It’s not just the body that differentiates, but the brain as well. Tissues that are exactly the same before eight weeks become sexually differentiated. The scrotum in the male, and large labia in the female, are initially the same tissue. Ovaries and testes are the same. The clitoris and glans penis are also the same. Hormones make them develop their subsequent sexual differentiation. We now know that hormones masculinize and feminize the brain too.

We didn’t know that in the 1960s when we bought boys dolls and other feminine toys in the hope that we could develop more sensitive males. We did the same with girls, buying them typically male toys to encourage them to develop their full potential. To a large extent it didn’t work. There seems to be typical male/female behaviors that are not totally explained by nurture, but brain differentiation may account for them.

What if a body develops as male, but part of the brain develops as female? Could that explain why transsexuals and homosexuals develop differently from heterosexuals? The brain has large areas that dictate sexual behavior, aggression, and other traits. There may be receptors in the brain that dictate very specific behaviors. Is crossdressing a result of these subtle effects on specific receptors in the brain? Clearly socialization is part of it, but the total causation isn’t known.

We know testosterone masculinizes the brain. Mullerian inhibiting hormone shuts off the feminizing hormones. Both normally work together. But if they don’t, that could explain some gender variance. Perhaps lesbian women and MTF transsexuals are defeminized, but not totally masculinized. Maybe this occurs because mullerian inhibiting hormone defeminizes the brain, but testosterone has not masculinized it sufficiently. Maybe male homosexuals are unmasculinized, but not defeminized. Could it be crossdressers are masculinized, but not defeminized?

So, perhaps there is something to the hormonal influences on the brain during the process of sexual differentiation. All this just an intriguing possibility, but not confirmed yet. Maybe knowing more about causation could help people better deal with the experience. Nothing changed our treatment of alcoholism like calling it a disease. After we began calling it a disease, people accepted it as something that could be treated. If we knew more about the causes of gender variant behavior, maybe we could do more to help people deal with it.

Even though there may be prenatal development and hormonal influences on crossdressing, we also know that culture and socialization have something to do with it. Talamini asked the question, "Why do people crossdress?" Frequent answers to this question by those who do so include relaxation, freedom to express emotions, playfulness, freeing a suppressed side, role-playing, eroticism, and adornment. Typically males aren’t allowed to adorn themselves with jewelry and make-up. So crossdressing allows them to express this need.

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Two Sisters Of C E S --- An Amazing Coincidence?

By Rosemary McQueen

It was on September 29^th, 2001 that both Kay and Rosemary attended their first C E S Chapter meeting. Kay was alone and I was with my wife, Theresa, (NJ-9969-M). We drove down from Central New Jersey and Kay came from Maryland. We had arrived early to the meeting, so we talked quite awhile before the meeting began. The guest lecturer this day was Dr. Kate Thomas who provided an interesting and informative talk. Becky, Rosemary’s former BIG SISTER, arrived and she and Rosemary had a joyous first meeting.

Kay, Rosemary and Theresa met again at several other meetings including the Christmas Dinner and the Dinner Theater in February of 2002. It was following the Dinner Theater that while staying over night at Kay’s home that Rosemary asked Kay if she had taken a PSA test. This was fortunate for Kay because the test that she took later revealed that she had prostate cancer just like Rosemary. There was no time to lose and soon Kay was under treatment at the University of Maryland Prostate Cancer Center. Kay was very upset and scared just as Rosemary had been because this silent killer can cause you to have a painful death.

Theresa and Rosemary invited Kay and her son, JK, for a weekend at their home in Central New Jersey on July 12-14^th. Kay and her son came by the Cape May-Lewes Ferry then up the Garden State Parkway to the exit near Teresa and Rosemary’s home. The first event that Rosemary and Theresa planned was to have dinner at a restaurant on the nearby Shark River. A table with an umbrella was chosen on the terrace overlooking the river and near a railroad drawbridge. While enjoying a dinner of steamed New Jersey Blue Crabs with Maryland crab spice Kay and JK watched the commuter trains thunder over the drawbridge. Meanwhile fishing boats passed in front going to or returning from the nearby ocean.

After dinner Kay and JK were shown the Town of Ocean Grove that was started shortly after the Civil War and is the location of the Great Auditorium where many U.S. Presidents have spoken and where the band of John Philip Sousa once performed. Kay was shown the Civil War Cannon in a nearby park that Rosemary and Theresa were interested in having it returned after it had been illegally removed for sale. In the morning of the 13^th we went to the New Jersey National Guard Museum where they saw a Civil War vintage submarine, "The Intelligent Whale", a Korean War MASH setup and many other interesting military items. Following lunch we attended a pipe organ concert at the Great Auditorium and later an Italian American festival at the former Deal Test Site, now a park. Kay had her first soft-shell Blue Crab sandwich. After we drove Kay through the City of Long Branch on the Ocean where seven U.S. Presidents once lived. Impressionist painter Winslow Homer painted and did water colors on the Bluff in Long Branch. We drove to the Atlantic Highlands where Kay and JK saw in the distance, across Lower Bay, the Empire State Building, which was lighted with a blue light. Near that was the Chrysler Building and a short distance Coney Island with it’s famous "Wonder Wheel" that came from the Paris Exposition in the late 1800’s.

Kay and Rosemary were originally expected to attend a meeting of the New York Metro Chapter of Tri-Ess, Chi Delta Mu, at this time, in Hackensack, New Jersey. Kay didn’t have a sitter for JK and didn’t want him to see her dressed en femme. He was also afraid to be left alone with Theresa. We passed the Twin Lights on the Highlands built in the 1800’s, then returned to our home. Kay was tired from both the long trip as well as the prostrate therapy so she and JK were eager to get to bed. During this weekend visit, Kay and her son saw the Monmouth Battlefield State Park where one of Rosemary’s ancestors fought the British. They also saw Allaire State Park, which was once an iron works, but became a ghost town. It has been restored to a very interesting museum. There is a railroad there and Kay and JK took a ride on it.

The weekend finally came to an end and Kay and her son left to take the long trip back to Maryland. Before they left they saw the Firehouse that Rosemary and Theresa are associated with and the big trucks inside. We all had a wonderful time.

Before closing this article, I want to print out part of an E-Mail that I had sent to Kay on Saturday, August 11, 2002 and Kay’s reply . "…It is amazing that two Tri-Ess C E S sisters who met at their first meeting would also have prostate cancer?" Kay’s reply was: "Personally, I believe it was the leading of God…..and let me hasten to explain before you say that Kay has gone bonkers!

What would have been the odds that the two of us would have met anywhere else?

What were the odds of the three of us meeting for the first time on the same night?

Or how about the odds of the three of us arriving well in advance of the rest of the group?

What are the odds that you would have prostate cancer and would advise your sister Kay to get a checkup…and practically do it in an "in your face" manner? (How many other sisters have you advised to get an exam…..and a PSA test done?)

Yes. I believe it is the leading of God that has helped me thus far……to ask for help where I would never have done so before ……Take care….."

Since this article was written, a third sister of C E S who has had prostate cancer and is cured has made herself known to Kay. Tri-Ess is not just dressing up, but is about caring sisters that help other sisters in time of need.

Let’s Blame It on Newton

But maybe rather than Isaac Newton, we ought to be blaming it on apples—the first apple in Paradise was bad enough, but then one had to fall on Newton and that started the Scientific Revolution—something we’ve been living with ever since, and in some ways causing we crossdressers loads of problems.

First of all the Scientific Revolution virtually states that "truth" is singular…that there’s a "law" out there that we can find that explains whatever it is that we have observed (whether it explains why the apple fell or why Becky likes to wear bra and panties), all we need to do is look for it long and hard enough.

The Scientific Revolution also attempts to have an explanation for everything, let alone having a scientific law that permits replication in similar circumstances. So then why are some of us satisfied in just wearing lingerie while others need to dress totally while yet others don’t need a thing except the knowledge they could do it if they wanted to.

Then when the Scientific Revolution got mixed up with a little religion, it turns out that whatever the doctor thought we were when we entered the scene is what we really are and what God wanted us to be, regardless of the hormonal wash that came over our developing brains in the first trimester. But some of us know that that isn’t the case at all.

We’ve been living with the results of the Scientific Revolution in ways that we don’t even recognize…take language for example, emotion-loaded words to be specific. What’s better, to use logic or to follow one’s emotion? To argue using logic or to argue using emotion? To use one’s brain (logic) or to follow one’s heart (emotion)? See my point? "Logic" is strong, good, makes sense. "Emotion" is weak, bad, doesn’t make sense. Blame Newton!

Ever wonder why we think that way? My argument is that the Scientific Revolution and its search for singular truth overemphasized the use of logic and ignored the role of emotion and feeling because neither of those could be measured, weighed, evaluated, or even replicated.

What’s this got to do with crossdressing? Plenty! First of all the "truth" behind crossdressing is not singular, while many of us have similar situations, we’re not all the same. Then the "cause-and-effect" aspect has still to be shown, let alone proved yet many analysts think they "know" why. But what affects me may not be able to be replicated in your case. Also God does not make us physically perfect when we are born—anyone who has ever been around a neo-natal ward, in the barnyard, or working with a midwife knows what is meant by the "miracle" of birth…it’s a miracle it happens at all let alone an occasional "other-then-perfect" result. So if that happens to living creatures in a physical sense, why can’t it happen also emotionally or psychologically? And then there’s the use of "logic" versus the role of "emotion." Remember that when Yahweh asked Solomon what he wanted to rule his people, Solomon did not ask for wisdom of the mind, but for the qualities of the heart.

So the next time we crossdressers find ourselves in one of those situations where we’re being pressed for what’s the "truth" behind what we’re doing, or why we are going against God’s plan, or what’s the logic behind all this, we can blame it all on that over-ripe apple and Isaac Newton.

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My ex-boyfriend "Dave" lives in a nondescript apartment complex in what could be called Anytown, USA. He works at a very average job making a decent salary, not nearly enough to be considered rich, but enough to afford a few extras every now and then. A talented composer and musician, a large portion of his spare time is devoted to the pursuit of his art. There's nothing strikingly bizarre about his outward appearances; in fact, he's often told he resembles a popular Hollywood actor. However, Dave has a secret, a deeply personal side to his life and personality that remains hidden to all but a few who know him. Even within himself, the secret is constantly being buried, then unearthed, then reburied only to be continuously dug up again like a corpse that just won't stay dead.

Dave isn't a transsexual. He's not even gay or bisexual. He is a crossdresser, one who dons clothing specific to the opposite sex.

It is estimated that anywhere from 1% to 5% of the adult male population engages in crossdressing. While there are many theories related to neo-natal development, upbringing, and even genetics, the exact cause of crossdressing remains a mystery. What anthropologists do know is that crossdressing appears to have existed throughout all of human history, in all known cultures. In many traditional Native American tribes, crossdressers were not only accepted but also revered as shamans and healers.

When most people in modern society think of crossdressers, the image of female impersonators or "drag queens" comes to mind. These gay and bisexual men don female attire for entertainment purposes or to attract dates. However, the vast majority of crossdressers are heterosexual. Furthermore, unlike transsexual women, crossdressers are comfortable in their masculinity and have no desire to alter their bodies through chemicals or surgery.

While many crossdressers pride themselves on their ability to pass, only a tiny portion wish to dress or live as females full-time. Instead, the crossdressing man sees his desire to dress and adopt feminine behaviors as a manifestation of the feminine side of his personality, an expression of the "woman within." "I dress in women’s clothing because I love women so much," Dave explains. "I love them so much that I want to be like them."

Crossdressers--much like bisexual men and women--are often ostracized not only by the straight community, but also by gays and transsexuals. Many times, the straight community calls a crossdressing man gay, the gay community calls him a gay man who refuses to admit his sexual orientation, and the transsexual community calls him a transsexual woman who refuses to own up to his gender orientation. Crossdressers occupy a special corner of the closet, one that is arguably the most dimly lit, the least understood.

The frequency and degree of crossdressing varies widely from person to person. Some men wear only women's lingerie, sometimes only the panties. Others wear female outer clothing as well: dresses, skirts, etc. Some crossdressers will deck themselves out in full female regalia, complete with jewelry, make-up, wig, shaved legs, even prosthetic breast forms. They will also adopt feminine behaviors, learning how to walk and talk like women. Many if not most crossdressers name their feminine alter egos and prefer to be addressed by this name and with feminine pronouns while dressed ("en femme"). Dave is no different in this respect, and for purposes of this article I will refer to his feminine alter ego as "Debbie."

I'd known my then-boyfriend for over a year and a half before I met Debbie. Sadly, the introduction was not a pleasant one. It was only recently that Dave had first spoken of dressing, and I'd never actually seen him don women's clothing. At the time I considered myself very socially liberal, but I knew nothing about gender issues and was hoping that this was simply another phase he was going through (Dave had always been very experimental sexually).

On one night in particular, Dave called and invited me over for dinner, instructing me to pick up a take-out order at a restaurant that was on the way to his home. Suspecting nothing, I arrived carrying a bag of food and looking forward to a pleasant evening. But then Debbie answered the door and for the first time in my life, I stood face-to-face with a crossdresser en femme. In full regalia. Make-up, wig, everything.

I felt about a million different emotions cascade over me at once. The most prevalent was fear, followed by disbelief, confusion, and anger. Debbie proceeded to speak in a falsetto and I followed her into the apartment, still in a state of shock. Even now the memory of this is very dream-like to me, as if I were simultaneously spectator and participant, watching the scene unfold even as I went through its motions. I do remember saying that the "joke" was over and that Dave could now take off his female garb, and being told "I'm not Dave. I'm Debbie." After only a few minutes, I bolted, not even taking the food with me or waiting to be reimbursed for it. I just wanted to get out of there.

Dave and I are friends now, our intimate relationship long since over, and in the interim I moved to the opposite end of the continent AND gained a much greater understanding of gender issues. Recently he asked me to explain what it was I was feeling on that night, why it was that I turned tail and ran. I can articulate it very clearly: I didn't balk so much because of him than because of me, namely my fears about his sexual orientation and my own. Two thoughts were prominent in my head on that long-ago night, the first being that he was gay, the second that if I stayed with him, it would make me a lesbian.

Now why would I think these things? Why would I link sexual orientation to CLOTHING? If a guy wears a dress, he MUST BE GAY. Does that mean that wearing jeans makes me a lesbian? If a woman dates a crossdresser, she MUST BE A LESBIAN. Does that mean my love for the casual comfort a pair of jeans gives me makes my current boyfriend gay?

A large-sized female friend of mine often buys men's clothing because it fits her better than women's wear, especially the pants. She walks into men's clothing stores, asks the salespeople for help, and proceeds to try on various items. It is obvious she is purchasing these things for herself, not for a male friend, and I have never seen a salesperson so much as blink at her. Can you imagine what would happen if Dave did the same thing in a women's clothing store? If a woman wears a tux to a formal party, she's complimented and called "chic." If a man shows up at the same party in a dress, he's verbally humiliated and thrown out on his ear.

Sexual and gender orientations go far deeper than what a person chooses to wear. Who we love is not dictated by whether we wear tuxes or dresses. And as any transsexual will tell you, who we are as men and women isn't even dictated by what's between our legs. It's a sense of knowing that cannot quite be articulated in words. However, society teaches us to follow its rigid rules instead of listening to our inner sense of knowing. That's why gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and even straight folks question their inner knowing, because society instructs them to. To have a successful relationship with a gender-gifted partner, you MUST have a great deal of confidence in yourself and your sexual identity. It was not until I came to the realization that I was not gay, and that a relationship with a crossdresser did not make me gay, that I was able to understand and accept this side of Dave's personality.

Some crossdressers derive sexual gratification and pleasure from dressing. Others derive no specific sexual high while dressed, but that does not mean the need to dress is any less powerful. As I mentioned, Dave is a talented musician who learned to play almost as soon as he learned to walk. Without his music, without this expression of his personality, Dave would be incomplete. He knows this and would therefore never force himself to endure losing such a large chunk of his soul. Yet when it comes to his desire to dress, Dave regularly descends into an unspeakable Hell for the sake of what society tells him is proper.

Many crossdressers live their lives in silent shame, not only closeted but locked in a never-ending internal struggle to suppress the side of their personalities that is drawn to dress. It is sadly common for crossdressers to continuously repeat a self-destructive pattern that cycles through three phases:

* Denying and fighting the need to dress.

* Breaking down and succumbing to the need to dress.

* Experiencing incredible feelings of guilt and shame, prompting a return to Phase 1.

I've watched helplessly as Dave has repeated this pattern innumerable times throughout the years, lubricating the wheels of his constant cycling with alcohol and drug abuse. About three months ago, he telephoned me to say that he'd purchased a gift for me, a dress. During the same phone call, he spent at least 20 minutes expounding on how he had given up dressing forever. Only a couple of weeks later, I got another phone call. Dave had decided to keep the dress for himself, saying that it fit him well and looked lovely. Since then, he has cycled completely at least one more time.

Most psychologists now realize that crossdressing, like transsexuality and homosexuality, cannot be "cured." The only real remedy to the destructive cycle of suppressing and succumbing is self-acceptance. Even if mainstream society refuses to accept the gender-gifted among us, they can learn to accept themselves and we, as their friends, families, and loved ones, can also offer our acceptance.

It is my sincere hope that Dave will someday break the cycle and learn to accept himself for what he is. Until that day comes, the only thing I can do for him is to continue offering my support as a friend.

Kat's Tail, the Transgenderism & Information Library -- Includes a comprehensive FAQ on crossdressing.