Part 28

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John looked down to find himself in a black suit, sitting on a white couch closest to a studio audience with Harvey and Sputnik on a couch to his left further from the crowd and Chiana further to their left facing the crowd. Looking around he saw a sign on a wall with the Romeo & Juliet reader's face and the title "The Juliet Sundae Arn."

John looked to the Romeo & Juliet reader seated on a couch across from himself, now dressed in a beige and white sleeveless shirt and beige slacks with white high heels, long black hair leaving one ear uncovered and an earring in that earlobe. She was smiling and seated as if listening to something someone was saying. Then she looked to John, crossed one leg over the other, folded her fingers over her knee and asked "Yes, what have you to say Crichton?"

"Uuuuh" John was glad the TV was only broadcasting his dumbstruck face in his head "nothing."

Juliet looked to the audience and laughed. The crowd laughed with her.

"Well that's a first" Harvey muttered to John. Juliet picked up on it, looked to the audience and laughed. The crowd laughed with her.

"You wouldn't want to know" Sputnik informed with her eyes nearly rolling up "for three reasons. One, he is sexually obsessed with that" she looked at Chiana then back to Juliet. "Secondly, the way he treats my leather lollipop is appallingly crude" she patted the nearer leg of a somewhat disconcerted Harvey seated beside her on the couch. "Thirdly, and most relevant, he is so mentally impaired that he doesn't even know his own mind."

"Hm yes let's talk about this behavior toward her leather lollipop, now, is this some sort of repressed envy?" Juliet asked John while she traded which leg was crossed over which. "And why are you thinking about him instead of me hm?"

"Uuuuh" John gaped in disbelief.

"Frell Harvey, let's talk about sex" Chiana hopped up onto her knees on her couch. "You- don't wanna to-to tell them about it right?" Chiana asked then nodded to herself with her lips pinched, unfolding her legs and sitting, dejected.

John snapped out of his strange look aside to Chiana. "Nah I got nothing against Harvey" John took a bottle of the beer sitting in a bucket on the end table near him and popped the lid at Harvey. The lid landed smack in Harvey's eye like a monocle. "He's just a separate personality based on a despicable being forced into my own head where he butts into everything and won't ever go away" he tossed a hand up. "It's nothing."

Sputnik leaned over, sucked the cap from Harvey's eye into her mouth and swallowed it. "John Crichton" Sputnik pronounced in a way that made John cringe "can not seem to accept the fact that he is an inferior species, and move on."

Juliet chewed her lower lip in sympathy. "Yes we're all familiar with that...."

"Not inferior" Chiana interrupted. "Deficient" she sniped at John but not without a sense of affection. "Can't help it. He's a male. And he's human. He was inferior, you wouldn't want him thinking about you" she smirked at Juliet. John had to silently laugh to himself.

"Yes you're right" Juliet nodded with excessive empathy. "Acceptance of our flaws is so very important, and it is often very difficult for us to accept them and move on."

John looked to the audience, full of women and a few men all seemingly on the verge of tears. "Yeah man, gotta accept your flaws. Right Harv?"

"You must cover your weaknesses and exploit the weaknesses of others" Harvey replied while Sputnik proudly patted his knee.

John insincerely clapped a few times while Chiana looked idly around the room. All else was in total silence. "Tell us more, Harv" John half-heartedly urged.

"The person I am patterned after is- my inspiration you might say. He was tortured horribly as a child, and brought up under conditions of abject abuse with a role model that taught of only pain and conquest. Yet from the sufferings of his background, he has risen with the ambition to save the universe from other conquerors by controlling the mysteries of the universe. And he's well on his way to achieving those goals" Harvey smiled broadly for the camera while Sputnik sighed passionately at his ear.

The audience remained dead quiet.

"Damn you're a hard audience" Harvey griped at John.

"Nah. You gotta try nice" John replied. "Ey Pip?"

"Sputnik?" Chiana threw a hand out toward them "Him? Nice? Wha- you taint?"

"Nah. Just incurably optimistic. Now we've covered my behavior toward Sputnik's sugar daddy what's next on the agenda?"

"So how have you managed to cope with this sexual obsession, find closure and move on?" Juliet asked John while she traded which leg was crossed over which. "And why are you thinking about her instead of me hm?"

"Uuuuh" John gaped at her "didn't? I think about other stuff though."

"Yeah, too much!" Chiana chirped in.

"Life....death....life....things of that nature. Beer. Babes. The shows I'm missing on TV. Who won the world's series. If more people noticed Britney Spears pap and gansta rap got kinda very old a long time ago. Oh yeah and finding a death bad enough for Larran and saving the universe from the control of the Nebari."

"So your ambitions in life are restricted due to this obsession" Juliet replied to a loud scoff from John. She didn't seem to hear it and continued. "Why would you say you find her so appealing?" Juliet asked John while she traded which leg was crossed over which. "And why are you thinking about her instead of me hm?"

John smiled and glanced aside over to Chiana. "Yeah well you know, she means well, she's a trouper, a good egg, diamond in the rough, helluva gal. She's...." his face ticked while he looked upward in thought. "She's her own person. Yup, she goes her own way as she wants, you gotta admire that, and's got a personality aaaall her own. Man has she got personality. Super bright white incandescent day glow personality."

"Love sex" Chiana pitched in with a pert nod and a wry pinching of her lips.

"Really loves sex" John agrees and continues. "She's got a killer Goth thing goin' and she likes to wear fun outfits-"

"Love sex" Chiana pitched in again.

"Loves sex. She can twirl fire. And she can grind Junior like a steel scrap recycler."

"Lo-"

"-Did I mention she really loves sex?" he pointed to her. "That's my Pip, my favorite traveling companion, I'm hers, she's my sugar I'm her stir, yes I love that Pip of mine" he lifted his bottle in a toast, took a sip and sat back while the audience thundered its applause.

"You see aren't I fabulous for bringing other people to you?" Juliet beamed at the audience with her hands out and a huge smile plastered on her face as the crowd thundered and raved. Cameras swung for multiple, lingering shots of Juliet, theme music played and the crowd clapped along and cheered as if they'd won something.

"Wow, that smile's got more gum than the Amazon" John remarked in an aside to Chiana. She didn't get the Amazon gum tree reference, but she giggled along with him.

"And you'll just love talking about the people I exhibit next week" Juliet continued. "Before we move on to our next guest, do you see this as sex or something more? Do you think this is the real thing, and will it last?" Juliet asked John while she traded which leg was crossed over which. "And why are you thinking about her instead of me hm?"

"I dunno. Oh yeah it's more, I mean without her I'd be....I don't know where I'd be, I don't even know if I would be, but I'd be allot worse off without her. Will it last? Yeah far as I can tell ya, will it cool off? When she gets tired of my magrafharbot ass?"

"Sorry, still think that arse is dag-yo" Chiana added. "Not tired."

"Hell, there ya go" John raised his bottle. "Unless she wants me to think about ya, sorry Oprah."

"Sure" Chiana answered. "Go fharbot on her. Just go magrafharbot on me" she smirked.

John blinked. "Very, very understanding too."

"Very" Chiana echoed.

"She's got that attitude, hey you want me to run on about the lady or pack up my marbles and go home?"

The crowd loudly protested against him stopping.

"All righty then she's got that attitude that makes you know she's got a heart o gold under that feisty exterior. Makes you think she's got a great ass with or without you ever seeing it. And let's face it" John gestured to Chiana. A spotlight tuned on at his cue, lighting her head from above. "She's got cute hair."

The entire crowd sighed an "aww."

Sputnik rolled her eyes and Harvey sneered. Chiana perked up and smiled at John. Harvey leaned toward John and yelled over the fawning crowd "I must protest this....love-fest is getting us nowhere John!"

"Hell it ain't!" John yelled back. "You're not the guy scoring points, so here's a quarter bud, ask good old boy Tritt what to do with it."

"And you do look divine! Doesn't she just" Juliet looked to the audience, which went wild. "Yes show and tell honey!"

Chiana leaned her head back then hopped onto her feet, giving the corset bodice a tug on her suddenly even leaner waist with a rebellious look at Harvey. Chiana strolled in front of the crowd and turned around, cutting a pose or two. "Hell yeah woo!" John hollered with the crowd and raised his beer bottle. "Daytime weight loss episode of the year" he added to himself with a snicker.

"What do you think?" Juliet stopped applauding and asked John.

John belched and looked at the bottle. "Tastes great, less filling." The crowd went wild. John absently lifted the bottle and nodded.

"Of your girlfriend's makeover" Juliet specified.

"Oh hey, she just plain rocks" John replied. "Rocks, and man can she....Hey I like her in anything or....not....great show Pip" John clapped for Chiana who swayed up to him and sat down in his lap, not missing a smirk at Harvey.

"So tell us about your divine wardrobe" Juliet spoke up "and your diet and the secret to how you keep the weight off."

"Well for appearances around here, Crichton designs all my clothes" Chiana looked over her shoulder at John.

John looked back at her with narrow eyes and a small smile. "Well gotta give credit to Harvey the Tailor man" John nodded to Harvey, suddenly decked out in a 1700's peasant tailor outfit. Harvey gasped, appalled, while Chiana cackled.

"Yeah they have new ideas" Chiana smirked at both of them. "Drad ideas too" she cocked her head at John. "The ah the diet, just sort of happened."

"Have you tried the Chet Atkins diet?" Juliet inquired.

"Wrong Atkins, sure of that" John held up a hand with a finger up. "Chet, helluva guitarist, no trashin' now."

"Do you believe in a low carb diet?" Juliet Sundae continued. "High anti-oxidant diet? Low fat diet? Low calorie diet? Low sodium diet? Low transfats diet? Low caffeine diet? Or training and discipline!" she rolled her suit sleeves up, tightened her hand in a fist and flexed her nicely toned bicep to a roar of macho hoots from the crowd.

"Oh yeah, cool pythons ma'am" John complimented. Chiana drove an elbow back into him then innocently focused on brushing off her forearm. "Oof. Yeah well to get the Pip's secret to beatin' fashion models, you gotta read her book. "Living on Nothing and Having a Ball (Or Two)" by Chiana Pip. Oh yeah, must-read release next summer when it hits stores and she hits oil. Order it at your local bookstore or call 1-800-P-I-P-W-A-T-C-H. Operators are standing by. So order, damnit, so they can sit down."

The audience rushed from their chairs to find a phone. Juliet continued despite the absence of the audience. "So in your new book, Miss Pip, you describe what it's like coming from a very strict family, and your ascension to adulation. So what happened after things took a sad turn in your upbringing?"

"Ahhm-mm-m" Chiana scratched the back of her head and looked to John.

Seeing she didn't recall any of that, John tried to reply for her, but he suddenly found the situation more like a nightmare with everyone expecting answers and nothing at all coming to mind. "And I was good at fishing for my age back on my home world. Then I got into the space program. Somewhere around that time, after that time, we met." John held her hand and smiled at her. She nuzzled her head back into his neck.

"Awww" the few people left in the audience responded.

"Yeah he's ah, he had a really really big ah effect on my life" she gave him a wry look.

"So what happened after you came together?" Juliet asked.

"We ah....got swallowed by a budong. Yeah" Chiana nodded, her imaginary images being projected onto the back wall. "We were just out around, having fun." A beefy John Crichton, with more muscle and chin than the genuine article, or anyone else for that matter, stood holding an angular, stick-thin, sketchy version of Chiana in ragged dark blue scraps alongside him. They stood in the clear dome cockpit on top of a fiery radical rocket ship, zipping around the galaxy at truly gnarly speeds.

"Cool hot rod" John said, tossing some popcorn in his mouth while watching the screen.

"We were blasting the drazz over to Tyrelis II Ra Bul, have a little fun there."

"Yeah people rave about it" John nodded "and at it. Can't I even get butter that tastes like butter in my own head?"

"Then this really really big budong came out from behind a very very big planet and swallowed us. Then this ah female budong came around and frelled with our budong so we were holding onto each other and he had to go whichever way he could get me-"

"-the budong, Pip" John whispered in her ear to interrupt the displays of exaggerated images of them wildly going at it.

"Yeah, so, we were trapped and ah Crichton held me up on his drad shoulders and I moffed off while I shot our hidden frag cannon at all the vulnerable parts inside a budong. Then it was a dead budong. So we had some fun while we waited until it finished dying off."

"The sex was great but being trapped there stank" John added "and just like a bathroom at the scene of an all night party, it kept on stinkin worse the more we hung around."

"Then these miners came after negeltic crystals, they grow in dead budongs you know, so Crichton came up with this drad machine that zipped around collecting negeltic crystals while we frelled around and got very very rich, so we left the budong very tired, well, he was but I was ready for more, so, we were frelling rich and ah, then we got robbed by pirates-"

The imagery quickly took on a little too much intensity, spilling out over the stage in increasing speed as she started making up increasingly rapid succession of imaginary scenarios. Once the whole place was shaking apart and being lost in the wash of scenes, John put his hand over Chiana's mouth.

"-And that's how we got to be where we are today" John suddenly finished. The audience seemed to have returned and broke into wild applause.

"Extraordinary journey" Juliet said, nodding sympathetically. "So tell us a little more about how you suffered from abuse, your diet and wardrobe."

"Her diet plan's ruthless" John patted her hip. "No fat, no transfat, no calorie, no cholesterol, no salt, no sugar, no caffeine, no carb, hell no nothin' diet, she's the missing capstone on the food pyramid. You'd be surprised how it works for her. Really. Where she gets any energy, I don't know. But man does she get energy. Anyway her technique is guaranteed. It can't fail."

"Yeah, works perfect. Won't fail 'till you do" Chiana made a sharp nod. John gestured to Chiana and agreed. "Keeps the weight off" Chiana nodded, shifting her behind into his lap. "And good exercise. And sex."

"Yes, how would you two rate your sex lives?"

"One to ten? Ten being tops? I'd say" John cringed his face in thought a moment. "Fifty."

"Three and a half" Chiana crisply answered.

"Hey baby, what's the matter with" John put his hands gently at her waist and looked around to see her face "I mean hey, we get interruptions, it's not like we're free to set up like we'd want to, neither of us can, huh?"

Chiana avoided looking back at him a few moments more. "Yeah. Well. Okay except for that maybe....an eight."

"Eight?"

"And what of our other couple?" Juliet tossed her long flowing black hair from her shoulder and turned her attention to Harvey and Sputnik.

"Oh well I...." Harvey looked uncomfortable. "Not to interrupt, Crichton" Harvey spoke up, another copy of his head peering over the back of the couch over John's shoulder "but were we supposed to be talking about something?"

Chiana looked back and shot Harvey a poisonous look. It impressed Harvey to hold his hand.

"What?" John looked between them. "Yeah, hey" he waved at the camera.

"We'll be back after these words from our sponsors" Juliet Sundae announced "and wait until you see Crichton's Pip leaping through hoops of flame, protected by only a microbikini." Vacuous musak played and the crowd clapped.

Chiana snapped a blank look at Juliet. "Fire. Jump through hoops of fire. In a, a micro-something?" Then she looked at John.

"It just" John waved a hand toward Juliet "came into my head, you're the one that did that!"

"I did?" Chiana asked, skeptical but interested.

"Yeah, only, completely naked. Well, so you said. I'm pretty sure. But let's face it, nobody is going to miss tuning in for that!" John pointed out.

"Ah ahm okay" Chiana nodded, a little nervous. "Let's ah get it ready, you don't have something stupid in mind?"

"Not you" John admitted "but there are stupid things around here all the time."

Harvey looked aside, getting the distinct impression John was referring to him. He looked back at John. "You don't remember anything with much certainty, and the reason is what we must confront! You must cease this, this distracted, obstructionist assimilation of your faculties and directly confront the cause."

"Nooa!" Chiana raised into a screech and leaned into Harvey's face. "Not- until this thing is out of both of our heads, until then, we're lucky to get things around it a little tiny bit at a time, and not get our brains reset, and that includes you, you live here, you krinz" she plucked the fastener out of the 1700's folded tie around his collar and glared at him while her outstretched arm swayed in the air.

"Hey let's give it a go" John mumbled from the front of the stage, pulling a series of connected hoops out on cart wheels and rubbing his forehead wearily. "The show must go on!"

Harvey stood. "Have you never wondered why?"

John halted in place and the rubbing of his temples to look with a bleary sarcasm at Harvey.

"Nuuh!" Chiana stomped on Harvey's foot, swiped her leg at the back of his knees and boincked her fingers at Harvey's eyes when he recovered, knocking him over onto his back. Little Chiana heads spun in a circle around Harvey's head.

"Thanks, Pip" John held out a hand and continued pulling the hoops into place on stage.

"No problem" Chiana returned a single sharp nod.

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