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Brandon Pfluger's Autobiography Abridged Brandon, I Hardly Knew Me (A Very Abridged Version)
I wish that I could say that my family has the luck of the Irish (since I am one quarter Irish), but if it weren't for bad luck, we would have no luck at all. It just seems that a black cloud has been hanging over us for so long with no rainbows in sight, that my family has lost all hope of getting our lives back on track.
If you think that your family has problems, wait until you get a load of some of my family's problems:
My father abandoned my mother, my two siblings, and I with barely enough money for her to care for us or keep the roof over our head. My father was such an abuser. Besides hitting my mother, he had never allowed her to finish her education that would have secured our well-being. Instead, we now have to move in with my grandparents and aunt adding to the burdens they already have:
My poor, widowed aunt is very ill. She has a brain tumor, and is such a bad diabetic that she has to be on an insulin pump. To add to that situation, just recently I found out that she might have leukemia as well. Since she couldn't care for her son, they had to move in with my grandparents a few years ago. She then felt the need to see someone with a lower I.Q. than I just for a measly $20 a week allowance. And because of that size of allowance, my aunt had no way to support hers son's education, he enlisted and served three years in the armed forces until his mother got very ill, and he had to come home. With still no way for him to get an education and support himself, he is now feeling forced to resort to stripping because he lost the job he had which allowed him to go to school when he had his face crushed as an innocent bystander.
Now then, this has put such stress on poor grandpa who just got over cancer. He is okay now, except for his hemorrhoids and the infection that doesn't allow him to urinate. This has just added to his stress being in his seventies, thinking he is too old because he's gray and having to resort to now living under the roof of my uncle, the slumlord.
This, of course, has put such stress upon grandma, who isn't happy because grandpa's Viagra isn't working (which is the pits because it is way too expensive).
If this isn't enough for you, my other aunt has a problem with the Home Shopping Network which causes my uncle undue stress, and has led him to numerous health problems.
Now to my third aunt: she too, is a widow. And in grandpa's good days, he got her some breast to find a husband. Her next husband ended up being a loon, so she ditched him, and now has married someone much younger, and seems to be doing well for the time being.
My poor dad: he, on the other hand, seems to only have interest in web cams and the internet, if you catch my drift. Instead of buying me a car for my birthday he bought his girlfriend a set of breast (because they only come in sets), and bought himself a hooker.
Twisted Dr. Suess little lucy, lucy lu
wore a face ever so blue
her friends cried out to lucy lu
why so blue? what did we do?
lucy did what she must do
she smiled through her tears of blue
and whispered nothing, nothing did you do
well why then lucy, lucy lu?
why is your face ever so blue?
now lucy knew not what to do
there was reason for her face of blue
but now what would her friends do?
if they knew the truth about lucy lu?
again she smiled, she knew what to do
she must hide the reason she is so blue
and again she whispered nothing did you do
now lucy lu was even more blue
her eyes teared up as they tend to do
inside she cried out NO LUCY LU!
YOU WILL NO LONGER BE SO BLUE!
and with that little lucy lu
held a gun to her face of blue
she knew just what she had to do
now little lucy lucy lu
is no longer blue blue blue... English Project Gone Wrong Ode to a Rabid Moose
Enormous and foaming at the mouth,
Terrifies all others and drives them south,
Its fury is greater than a speeding train,
Meaner than my uncle who went insane,
Hoofs and horns all in a blaze,
I'll defiantly never be in his way
Sex is a Great Goodbye
We know it's over,
But you're still in my head,
What's said is done,
Now you're in my bed,
I know I said,
That I was through with you,
But before you go,
There's something i've gotta do,
So take your pants off,
And I'll hit the lights,
I want you one last time,
I want to end this right,
I'll never take you back,
And I'm not gonna lie,
I just want you in the sack,
Sex is a great good-bye.
Pop Sucks Ass!
I turn on the radio and this is what I hear,
A bunch of bratty six year olds,
Crying out crystal clear,
"All I want is money,
All I want is fame,
I want everybody to be the same,
So you'll play my shitty record in your mustang,
And won't listen to the lyrics,
Because they're so mundane,
Creating mindless zombies,
To drive you all insane,
Then everyone will love me,
And you will know my name."
You know what I say to that?
Pop sucks ass!
Fuck you Cristina,
Fuck you Brittaney Spears,
Fuck you Carson Daily,
And all your stupid peers,
Perhaps with all that cash you have,
You'll buy yourself a brain,
But until that faithful day has past,
Stay the fuck away!
Anthem to Lonlieness
I sit here at home
Playing games with the shadows
You're off with your friends
And you don't care that I'm alone
Did you ever stop
To think for a second
That I might love you
Of course not you don't
Even care that my life
Has been wasted on you
And all of my time
Has ticked away unused
Did you ever stop
To think for a second
No, no, not you
You've got better things to do
With your precious time
Than sit around with me
Or pay attention to my life
Still you steal my dreams
And invade my head
Every day that I'm alone
And every night when I'm in bed
I know that you don't care
Or even think about me
But I'll still be alone
Wanting you helplessly
Why do I care so much?
I don't want this to be
Well to hell with you
And to hell with me.
A Million Miles From Sleep
The weight of the world rests on my eyes
But the will not fall to their state of rest
By now, movement, my muscles despise
Yet still they venture a relentless quest
My mind is racing with such a speed
That Hermes himself could not keep pace
Peace, once desired, now a need
I've got to get out, to leave this place
You're lost in a world of innocent dreams
You know not of my tortured soul
Your beauty unsurpassed in the golden beams
My eyes fill with tears as I lose control
I retreat to the light of the morning sun
For I wish you not to see me weep
And though the day has just begun
I am a million miles from sleep.
You Self-Centered Little Bitch, You Ruined My Life
I'd give you my life
To spare you your own
Slit my wrist with a knife
For my love to be known
Block the path of a bullet
From piercing your skin
Burn skeletons in your closet
So you'll be peaceful within
I would do all of this
All I ask in return
Don't be a narcissist
It's someone elses turn
To experience the love
That you hold for yourself
No, you're too high above
To think of anyone else.
A Spot Between the Clouds
You know, everyone at one point in time has gone out on a semi-clear day and watched the clouds. They stare at them, and create shapes and stories from their fluffy exterior because they are nice to look at. Did you ever notice that no one goes out on a very cloudy day just to look at the spots between the clouds? I mean, the shapes and stories and just as interesting, just as inspiring, but no one bothers to look between the clouds. Sometimes I think I am a spot between the clouds.
I Went for a Drive Today
I went for a drive today. I didn't go anywhere. I wanted to go nowhere, and I wanted to go nowhere fast. So i got on the freeway, and just drove. It rained. It poured. I wanted to turn around and head back home, back where I knew the streets, where I knew I would be safe. My tires spun and squealed beneath me as I turned on the entrance ramp, but I continued on my path away from the womb. My little windshield wipers flew left to right, and back again trying desperately to clear my vision, but they did no good. I continued blindly on my path. Why didn't I just turn around? There were millions of unspoken dangers lurking around every corner just waiting to thrusts themselves upon me. I however continued on my path. I didn't even have a destination. I had no map, no directions. I just had a gut feeling that if I kept on there would be clear skies ahead. I wasn't even sure of that. I flinched every time I hit a bump or hole in the road, just waiting to be stranded on the highway, out of my boundaries, wet, and furious, waiting for a tow truck. I continued on my path. Then, out of the darkness a small ray of light, a slight glimpse of hope, seeped through the clouds like melted butter on whole wheat bread. My gut was correct. There was a brief, yet beautiful patch of sky that glowed a brilliant blue. If I looked straight up I could see for miles toward the stars and the moon. I looked back down. Ahead of me, on my path, there was once again a dangerous cloud lurking on the highway, just waiting for me to proceed. I glanced back to the monsoon that i left behind. It was dark, melancholy, and depressing. My eye caught on to something. something so spectacular, so contrasted, that it seemed surreal. I looked closer, and my eyes focused upon a flock of doves. White doves, gliding on the edge of the storm in a beautiful formation, that moved as one. As I watched these birds of beauty fly across the irate sky, I felt a sense of relief. I felt a sense of hope, as I turned back forwards and faced the storm ahead of me. I knew that one day, when I was ready, I would go for a drive again.
If I were...
If I were a painter of beautiful things
Madness would consume my entire being
There is just no technique, no manner, no way
To capture the beauty that you portray
If I were a player of the violen
For you, I'd play love songs again and again
But no melody existing on this earth
Could display my love for all that it's worth
If I were a poet talented with words
My infinite stanzas would be quite absurd
Page upon page I'd confess my love true
But could never express my feelings for you
You see, all these things, glorious they may be
Honestly, they don't mean a thing to me
No painting, no song, no poem would ever do
No, I've given my heart, my soul to you.
Laying on my back
Laying on my back
Staring at the stars
I can't help but wonder
Wonder where you are
Laying on my back
Closing both my eyes
Lonlieness consumes me
That void that I despise
Laying on my back
Tears stain my cheeks
Your presence makes me strong
Your absence makes me weak
Laying on my back
Fantasies come true
My tears all disapear
Because now I'm with you
Laying on my back
I pull you close to me
I whisper in your ear
That we are meant to be
Laying on my back
I waken from my dream
Again my arms are empty
The tears begin to stream
Laying on my back
Feeling nothing but defeat
Nothing left to do
But get up on my feet
Stumble through my daily life
Feeling rather numb
Lost again in a dream
Soon that day will come...
Try to fly with broken wings
Try to fly with broken wings
You'll find your feet still on the ground
Try to cut with a blade that's dull
You'll find the pieces are still bound
Try to run with weaken legs
You'll find you're right where you began
Try to leap with your eyes closed
You'll soon despise the place you land
Try to hide on an open plain
You'll be discovered right away
Try to write with an empty pen
You'll never express what you want to say
Try to lie without regret
You'll never forgive yourself for it
Try to love without your heart
You'll find it simply doesn't fit
Try to hate with all your might
You'll see your world begin to fall
Try to live without passion
You'll see you haven't lived at all
A letter to myself
Dear self-centered girl,
Look beyond your petty concerns
Please stop feeling sorry for yourself
You are not going to die.
Stop this obsessive behavior
This self-destructive manor
That you've grown to love over the years.
Stop assuming the world is against you
Only the majority of it really is.
Stop analyzing people in such depth
That you lose sight of who they are
You, after all, are no one to judge.
Stop blaming your parents for all their faults
They may have wronged you in the past
But a grudge will only worsen the situation
They are good people
They try hard
Give them a little recognition here and there.
Stop shutting out your friends
Those who have been loyal your whole life
They may not understand you
But they love you all the same.
If only you could see
How good you really have it.
Sincerely,
Yourslef
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