SCHROEDER:
I'm sorry to have to say it right to your face, Lucy, but it's true. You're a very crabby person. I know your crabbiness has probably become so natural to you that you're not even aware when you're being crabby, but it's true just the same. You're a very crabby person and you're crabby to just about everyone you meet. Now I hope you don't mind my saying this, Lucy, and I hope you'll take it in the spirit that it's intended. I think we should all be open to any opportunity to learn more about ourselves. I think Socrates was very right when he said that one of the first rules for anyone in life is "Know thyself." Well, I guess I've said about enough. I hope I haven't offended you or anything.

LUCY:
Well, what's Socrates got to do with it anyway, huh? Who was SHE anyway? Did she ever get to be queen, huh! Tell me that, did he ever get to be queen! DID he ever get to be queen? Who WAS Socrates, anyway? "Know thyself," hmph!

CHARLIE BROWN:
Hey, Snoopy, you want to help me get my arm back in shape? Now, watch out for this one, it's a new fast ball.

LUCY:
Excuse me a moment, Charlie Brown, but I was wondering if you'd mind answering a few questions.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Certainly, Lucy.

LUCY:
Well, I'm conducting a survey to enable me to know myself better, and first of all I'd like to ask: on a scale of zero to one hundred, using a standard of fifty as average, seventy-five as above average and ninety as exceptional, where would you rate me with regards to crabbiness?

CHARLIE BROWN:
Well, Lucy, I...

LUCY:
Your ballots need not be signed and all answers will be held in strictest confidence.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Well, still, Lucy, that's a very difficult question to answer.

LUCY:
You may have a few moments to think it over if you want, or we can come back to that question later.

CHARLIE BROWN:
I think I'd like to come back to it, if you don't mind.

LUCY:
Certainly. This next question deals with certain character traits you may have observed. Regarding personality, would you say that mine is A forceful, B pleasing, or C objectionable? Would that be A,B, or C? What would your answer be to that, Charlie Brown, A,B, or C, which one would you say, hmm? Charlie Brown, hmm?

CHARLIE BROWN:
Well, I guess I'd have to say forceful, Lucy, but...

LUCY:
"Forceful." Well, we'll make a check mark at the letter A then. Now, would you rate my ability to get along with other people as poor, fair good, or excellent?

CHARLIE BROWN:
I think that depends a lot on what you mean by "get along with other people."

LUCY:
You know, make friends, sparkle in a crowd, that sort of thing.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Do you have a place for abstention?

LUCY:
Certainly, I'll just put a check mark at "None of the above." The next question deals with physical appearance. In referring to my beauty, would you say that I was "stunning," "mysterious," or "intoxicating"?

CHARLIE BROWN:
Well, gee, I don't know, Lucy. You look just fine to me.

LUCY:
"Stunning." All right, Charlie Brown, I think we should get back to that first question. On a scale of zero to one hundred, using a standard of fifty as average, seventy-five as...

CHARLIE BROWN:
I... remember the question Lucy.

LUCY:
Well?

CHARLIE BROWN:
Fifty-one?

LUCY:
Fifty-one is you crabbiness rating for me. Well that about does it. Thank you very much for helping with this survey, Charlie Brown. Your cooperation has been greatly appreciated.

CHARLIE BROWN:
It was a pleasure Lucy, any time. Come on Snoopy.

LUCY:
Oh, just a minute, there is one more question. Would you answer "Yes" or "No" to the question: "Is Lucy Van Pelt the sort of person that you would like to have as president of your club or civic organization?"

CHARLIE BROWN:
Oh, yes, by all means, Lucy.

LUCY:
Yes. Well thank you very much. That about does it, I think. (Charlie Brown and Snoopy begin to leave. Snoopy stops and make the sound of a bomb dropping and blowing up.) WELL, WHO ASKED YOU! Now let's see. That's a fifty-one, "None of the above," and... Schroeder was right. I can already feel myself being filled with the glow of self-awarness. (SALLY enters.) Oh Sally, I'm conducting a survey and I wonder if...

SALLY:
A hundred and ten, C, "Poor," "None of the above," "No," and what are you going to do about the dent you made in my bicycle! (Sally storms off.)

LUCY:
It's amazing how fast word of these surveys gets around. (Linus enters.) Oh Linus, I'm glad you're here. I'm conducting a survey and there are a few questions I'd like to ask you.

LINUS:
Sure, go ahead.

LUCY:
The first question is: on a scale of zero to one hundred, with a standard of fifty as average, seventy-five as above average and ninety as exceptional, where would you rate me with regards to crabbiness?

LINUS:
(He laughs.) You're my big sister.

LUCY:
That's not the question.

LINUS:
No, but that's the answer.

LUCY:
Come on, Linus, answer the question.

LINUS:
Look, Lucy, I know very well that if I give any sort of honest answer to that question you're going to slug me.

LUCY:
Linus. A survey that is not based on honest answers is like a house that is built on a foundation of sand. Would I be spending my time to conduct this survey if I didn't expect complete candor in all the responses? I promise not to slug you. Now what number would you give me as your crabbiness rating?

LINUS:
Ninety-five. (She punches him very hard.)

LUCY:
[NO decent person could be expected to keep her word with a rating over ninety.] It's a womans prerogative to change her mind. Now, I add these two columns and that gives me my answer. There, it's all done. Now, let's see what we've got. It's true. I'm a crabby person. I'm very crabby person and everybody knows it. I've been spreading crabbiness wherever I go. I'm a super crab. It's a wonder anyone will still talk to me. It's a wonder I have any friends at all... or even associates. I've done nothing but make life miserable for everyone. I've done nothing but breed unhappiness and resentment. Where did I go wrong? How could I be so selfish? How could...

LINUS:
What's wrong, Lucy?

LUCY:
Don't talk to me, Linus. I don't deserve to be spoken to. I don't deserve to breathe the air I breathe. I'm no good, Linus. I'm no good.

LINUS:
That's not true.

LUCY:
Yes it is. I'm no good, and there's no reason at all why I should go on living on the face of this earth.

LINUS:
Yes there is.

LUCY:
Name one. Just tell me one single reason why I should still deserve to go on living on this planet.

LINUS:
Well, for one thing, you have a little brother who loves you. (Lucy is silent for a minute and then burst in to tears... sobbing!!)
Every now and then I say the right thing.

SCHROEDER:
Of course it's surprising, but I'm sure Lucy knows now that she can't be crabby anymore.

SALLY: (who is echoing Schroeder)
Anymore.

SCHROEDER:
Where is everybody? I told them to be here.

SALLY:
Told them to be here.

SCHROEDER:
If we don't rehearse we can't sing at the assembly tomorrow.

SALLY:
assembly tomorrow.

SCHROEDER:
Charlie Brown!

SALLY:
Charlie Brown!

SCHROEDER:
Linus!

SALLY:
Linus!

SCHROEDER and SALLY::
Lucy!

LUCY:
Give me back my pencil, you blockhead!!

LINUS:
No! Not until you give me back my crayons!

LUCY:
That is my best pencil! If you don't give me back my pencil, I'll tell Sally what you said about her!

SCHROEDER:
Stop that! We gotta rehearse! You're late!

SALLY:
What did you say about me, Linus?

LUCY:
He said --

LINUS:
Lucy. . .

SCHROEDER:
Stop that!

CHARLIE BROWN:
Sorry , I'm late --

SCHROEDER:
There is no time to be sorry!

SALLY:
What did he say ?

SCHROEDER:
Quiet!! Now remember this is a mood piece, we must paint a picture with music and words... and concentrate! (he blows the pitch pipe)

ALL:
AHHHH

SCHROEDER:
Remember. . . adagio con brio!

ALL:
OH GIVE ME A HOME
WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM
AND THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY. . .

LUCY:
GIVE ME MY PENCIL

ALL:
WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD
A DISCOURAGING WORD

LINUS:
NOT ON YOUR LIFE

ALL:
AND THE SKIES ARE NOT CLOUDY ALL DAY.

SALLY:
IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU TOLD LUCY I'M JUST GOING TO SCREAM

LUCY:
GIVE ME MY PENCIL YOU BLOCKHEAD!!

ALL:
HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE.

LUCY:
GIVE ME MY PENCIL

LINUS:
No!

ALL:
WHERE THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY.
WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD A DISCOURAGING WORD

LINUS:
NOT UNTIL YOU PROMISE NOT TO TELL HER

LUCY:
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? STIFLE MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH?

ALL:
WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD

LUCY:
GIVE ME MY PENCIL!

ALL:
A DISCOURAGING WORD

LINUS:
NO PROMISE NO PENCIL!

ALL:
AND THE SKIES ARE NOT CLOUDY ALL DAY.

SALLY:
(Lucy slips Sally the pencil, and Sally holds it up, teasing Linus)
What pencil? (she laughs)

LINUS:
(Linus grabs the pencil.)
No! Give me that pencil!!

ALL:
OH, GIVE ME A LAND WHERE THE BRIGHT DIAMOND SAND

SCHROEDER:
Sing!!!

ALL:
FLOWS LEISURELY DOWN THE STREAM

CHARLIE BROWN (to Linus):
Why did you take Sally's pencil?

LINUS:
Aaaaaarrrrrrggg !! (he storms off)

ALL:
THERE THE GRACEFUL, WHITE SWAN GOES GLIDING ALONG

SALLY (to Lucy):
WHAT DID HE CALL ME?

ALL:
LIKE A MAID IN A HEAVENLY DREAM.

LUCY:
HE SAID
HE SAID YOU WERE... AN ENIGMA!

ALL:
HOME,
HOME ON THE RANGE

SALLY:
An enigma?

CHARLIE BROWN :
An enigma?

SNOOPY:
An enigma?

SALLY:
BOY THAT MAKES ME... WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO CALL A... WHAT'S AN ENIGMA?
Never mind!! (she storms off too)

CHARLIE BROWN, SCHROEDER AND SNOOPY:
WHERE THE DEER AND THE

LUCY:
What's an enigma?

CHARLIE BROWN, SCHROEDER AND SNOOPY:
ANTELOPE

CHARLIE BROWN:
What's an enigma?

ALL:
PLAY.

SNOOPY:
What's an en . . .

LUCY:
Hey !! He's still got my pencil! (now she storms off)

CHARLIE BROWN AND SCHROEDER:
WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD A DISCOURAGING WORD... (seeing he's the only one left, Charlie Brown sneaks away)

SCHROEDER:
AND THE SKIES ARE NOT CLOUDY ALL DAY!

(He turns around and sees only Snoopy is still there)

SNOOPY:
Arrro ooo ooo . . .

(Snoopy gives Schroeder a big smirk and throws him a kiss, and finally Schroeder storms off)