For better or worse?
I discovered an anti-marriage website the other day:
www.nomarriage.com. It's written by a single American in his thirties. At first glance, it's easy to dismiss as a piece of ranting misogyny, but the statistics and arguments he marshalls in his case deserve serious thought.
The US divorce rate is around 50 per cent. Some will point out that many divorces occur to people who have divorced before, so a single thirty-year old with no previous marriages shouldn't take it that he only has an even money chance of staying hitched. But as the author points out, many of those who remain married are those from religious backgrounds - either the protestants of the bible belt or the catholics, especially hispanics. So if you are not in that category, you might do well to be on your guard.
The author blames two things. The first is unrealistic and unachievable expectations by single women. The other is that the divorce process is biased against men, giving unsatisfied women almost no reason to stay in the marriage. The fact that most divorces are initiated by women seems to support this. In the vast majority of custody cases, the woman gets the children, with fathers having limited access. Divorce is often a financial disaster for men too.
If you are a young man considering marriage then it doesn't take too many horror stories from older men to deter you. And the evidence is that men ARE being deterred. The age of first marriage continues to rise.
The blame he places on women is actually on American women. In his intro page, he states:
Foreign women from South America, Eastern Europe, and Asia make much better wives than American women. An American woman has several fundamental problems that will never go away and that will get much worse a few years after she is married:
Her inherent anti-male bias and pre-occupation with fairness that was drilled into her at high school, college, and through the media. Her constant confrontations and trying to prove herself and to make a point. Her self-centeredness, her ridiculously high expectations, her sense of entitlement, her high-maintenance, superficial, and stuck up attitude, her snootiness and her sense of superiority. This "princess" syndrome means that she will always think that she is better than you, and that she deserves and she is entitled to whatever she wants from you. Her general mental instability and psychological disorders. Her using sex as a weapon and reward to get things.
Foreign women generally don't have any of these problems. Marrying an American woman simply does not make sense. The ONLY reason men stay with American women is because they did not have enough exposure to foreign women. Any man who spent a few months in Brazil or Russia will not even look at American women again.And I can't argue much with the last point, as I know four men of my age range who have married Russian women and all are extremely happy. They seem to have found women who accept them for what they are. The problem for me is that I find myself in agreement with him, except that I'm thinking of British women while he's thinking of Americans. I have found American women a breath of fresh air by comparison and the snootiness he derides seems to be mainly a metropolitan thing - think of Ally McBeal (set in Boston) or Sex and the City (New York).
Ally McBeal provides an useful example. In the first episode she announces:
"Here I am, a victim of my own choices". One can't help wondering what she's talking about. A victim?!? She is in one of the most highly paid professions (law) in the richest country in the world and she's young and of above-average attractiveness. Yet somehow, she's convinced herself that she is a victim. How on earth is she ever going to be happy with that attitude?
I know that Ally McBeal is fiction, so don't write letters but she has many real life sisters. For a true to life insight, I recommend Toby Young's (no relation) 'How to lose friends and alienate people'. In it he describes how despite the fact that single women outnumber single men in New York, the women he encountered in the Conde Nast offices where he worked in his brief journalistic career could barely bring themselves to look at him.
A few years ago, I went out with a women who had a highly paid job in the City. One day she lent me a book called 'Mr Maybe' by Jane Green and told me that she identified with the story's heroine, Libby.
She might as well have said 'RUN, DON'T WALK!'. I read the book and was horrified at the incredible shallowness of Libby. She loves a man named Chris, who is a stuggling author and is surprised when after a couple of weeks he leaves to focus on completing his book, as he's totally broke and it is his only hope of a future.
Then she goes out with someone called McMahon, who is rich and influential. He's also a nervous virgin and their first sexual encounter is awkward. Rather than calmly and maturely suggesting new techniques, she erupts with rage.
She bumps into Chris again and on this occasion summons up enough interest in his ambitions to
actually ask him what his book is about!!!!! Incredible as it seems it takes her until about page 300 to do this. Needless to say at the end of the story she rejects McMahon, gets back with Chris (who is suitably apologetic for not staying with her) and then in the last line, we learn that Chris has just struck a deal for his book; the message being that Libby is to be financial rewarded for her decision too.
Utterly sickening it was too and I gave it back to my girlfriend and casually enquired whether she was aware that the heroine was actually the villain of the story. We didn't last much longer, though we are still on friendly terms.
But what would the author of nomarriage.com make of all of this? Well one page of the site is titled
'American women are fucked, they priced themselves out of the market' and that pretty much sums up the attitude of the men whose correspondence he quotes. But the page that terrifies me is the one titled
'Marriage means you become a slave to your job. Quotes from readers include:
"I'm Living the American Dream and Hating Every Minute of It. I'm a 38 y/o male who is married to a beautiful woman and have 1 kid with 1 more on the way. We have what many consider to be the ideal life. Nice house, good jobs, SUV and a overall nice lifestyle. Problem is I hate my life. I feel trapped and destined to live the life of a corporate warrior and familyman when I really long for something else. I've been married for 9 years now and while I love my wife, I feel that I need more space and to be honest long for some variety. I wish I could walk away from it all."And he's one of the happy ones.
I don't want anyone jumping to conclusions about my parents by the way. Both worked. They are VERY happy and have been so for over 35 years.
But something seems to have changed in that time in the way that the sexes relate. Almost every television advert I see presents men as being stupid and unworthy of the women they know or love. I often come away agasp at the sheer rudeness and condescension of many women I talk to. I can't be bothered with it, frankly.
I stand by my conviction that it is men who are the romantics. Take a look at the personal columns of any newspaper and you'll notice that many if not all of the women want a man who is 'solvent' (I just about qualify here). Then try to find one man who expects earning power from a potential wife. I've never seen it.