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OK, the MPAA has to be the dumbest and most pointless organisation ever dreamed up, but if you're
looking for a good laugh then all you have to do is look at some of the comments they attach to their movie ratings to explain
why it was given the rating. Personally, I think that people should be allowed to see any movie they goddamn please however
old they are, and I find the entire system unbelievably patronizing. Included here are some of the MPAA's more absurd comments,
and my responses to them.
Rated PG for action sequences and peril.
A movie which
contains action sequences? Surely not. Well we certainly can't have our kids exposed to that can we. What an extremely helpful
guideline for parents with young children. Oh yeah, we've got peril too, terrible thing peril. Makes Hannibal Lector look
like Barney, and while we're on the subject, Barney should come with a warning, contains excessive boredom and sickening musical
numbers. I half expect to see movie posters warning of occasional entertainment and dramatic contents. Beware, this movie
contains things!
Rated PG for
mild thematic elements.
LOL, this is a good one too. Can somebody
please tell me what "mild thematic elements" are? As near as i can figure, this particular comment warns that the movies contains
themes, only mild themes of course, but most certainly themes nonetheless. I wonder what rating a movie with strong thematic
elements in would get? This one seems to be warning the viewer that the movie has a bad script, poor character development,
and is quite possibly badly acted too. Presumably a better movie would contain much stronger thematic elements. I think a
clearer way to express this wanring would be "this movie is bad," but that's just me, why put things simply when you can wrap
it up in pointless jargon?
Rated PG for some language.
Oh now we're
really getting onto the controversial material, this movie contains, shock-horror, dun-dun-dun, some language! Not strong
language mind you, just language. I'm sure it's a relief to parents to be warned in advance that the movie they're talking
their kids to see contains dialogue, this is in fact not a silent movie, people do actually talk in it, and what's more, they
use language! I'm sure it's particularly traumatizing for kids to see people talking on screen, this is definitely one to
be avoided, we don't want our children exposed to this kind of filth!
Rated PG-13 for
some sexual situations and violent sports-related images.
Oh dear me. Well i'll give them the sexual
situations, although it's always interesting to see how many different ways they can find to say "this movie contains
sex," but it's the violent sports-related images that interest me here. How exactly does this differ from watching Monday
Night Football? Why do they feel the need to warn parents that a movie contains sport, do some parents really try to protect
their children from this sort of thing? Obviously sport related images, and violent ones at that, are just as bad as peril.
God help us all if anyone ever makes a movie containing sports-related peril.
Rated PG-13 for some menacing action/violence
and a drug issue.
Action/violence?
What is action/violence? It looks like the MPAA are trying to cover all their bases here. Is it action, is it violence, well
we can't really make up our mind so lets put both with an / in between them, then people will be too confused to care. And
don't get me started on the "drug issue," not drug use mind you, not even actual drugs at all, just a "drug isue." Answers
on a postcard as to what the hell this could mean.
So there you have it, and if you're planning to take your kids to the movies in the near future then
the MPAA will make sure you are adequately forwarned about such disturbing and dangerous things as thematic elements,
language and even, God forbid, peril. What a fantastic job these people do.Of course, in a world where kids are bringing guns
to school and are exposed to real violence far more terrifying that anything a movie can offer, let's blame the movies though,
and let's publish ridiculous warning about absurd content in the hope of appeasing our conscience.
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