06 october 1999
11:00pm
getting my back to the earth, face to the sun

okay, firstoff, i have to mention how damn cold it is in my room right now. i don't know if none of the radiators are working, or if it's just mine, but my room is a literal icebox. i'm sitting here, typing with my gloves on. which is hard. and slow. but necessary. do you know that feeling where your body is generally warm, but, like, 3 of your fingers are just icy? that's how it is. this just makes me think of how cold it's going to be in maine. brrr.

another thing i should mention is the fact that i have a good amount of work i should be doing right now. some of it is for tomorrow... some of it would be nice to do now so i won't have to do it over break. but, seriously, my room distracts me to no end. my computer, my books, my bed, my guitar, my stereo, my tv (to a small extent... no reception in worth)... it adds up to virtual play time whenever i'm in here. so hard to concentrate. but i just couldn't make myself go to the library. and now i'm worried i won't start working until, like, 2am. which is bad. bad because i'm getting over the death virus. bad because emily and i were at a diner until 2:15 in the morning (and i had 2 cups of coffee there), and when we got back to swat corey accosted us outside of worth and we talked for awhile, and i didn't go to bed until 3:30 and then i had an 8:30 meeting, which means i was up by 7:30 (the earliest i've been up this semester, mind you). so i'm sleepy. i drank part of a cup of coffee after chorus tonight but it's not keeping me awake. maybe because i got so distraced in talking to emily and neil and sarah and rebecca that eventually the coffee got cold, so i threw it away.

anyway.

i'm feeling very social this semester, in the sense that i'm doing lots of stuff with people pretty regularly. like wednesday pre-chorus dinner and wine with sarah and will and massey (and occassionally david adler and susan). and thursday night 90210 viewing and debauchery with emily and neil et al. and i go to private parties (much better than all-campus ones) on friday and saturday nights. and then there's random paces dates and ice cream dates and other fun stuff.
and i realized today that i'm feeling very loved this semester. which was a good realization since i'm still feeling so ungrounded. (refer to the previous journal entry for clarification.) but i'm working hard on finding stable ground again. and so many people have been so wonderful about helping me and listening to my frustration and hurt and pain, and talking to me and giving me advice and most importantly, perspective. i should especially thank my saviors: corey, emily, neil, and sarah. and i think i'm almost ready to deal with this. almost. i keep pulling back and looking at the situation as a whole, realizing that i'm 21 and should be able to handle this, that it's probably for the best, that things will most likely be weird for awhile but i am strong enough as an individual to work through it all. i just need a little bit more time. that's all.

and you know what? today was just a good day in general. which greatly improved my mood and outlook on life. despite the fact that i had to kick my ass out of bed at 7:30am after less than 4 hours of sleep, being up that early made for a very productive-feeling day. i got a lot accomplished for my forest ecology research project. i spent 5 hours in the darkroom, and feel more assured about having a critique on wednesday after break. it was a great mail day: i got 2 books and 2 cds that i had ordered, i got yet another random check from roughing it, and best ever, i got a letter from val. which made my day. i had a wonderful dinner over at the barn, and wine and good conversation. i felt very rhythmic tonight in chorus (though maybe not so melodious due to the death virus), and chorus got out an hour earlier than usual. i hung out with rebecca and sarah and emily and neil for awhile after chorus, then sarah and neil and i went to the darkroom to look at some of the prints and contact sheets i had made. and then i came home. so i really have no grief associated with this day, other than what i carry with me. and the day even made that better.

11:33pm