17 november 1999
1:05am
organics.

what am i doing? i know i need to do work. i have too much that's due in less than 12 hours to be sitting here at my computer, writing a bit of html. i am so ridiculous. it's like, i went so long there without really having to do anything, without really knowing what to do with myself even, that now i can't escape from that. i've done practically nothing academic today, yet even reading these 4 articles seems like too much right now. but i can't complain, i know i can't, it's so little, so nothing, compared to everyone and everything else.

i feel like i've become so... desensitized this past week. i went for such a long time there being super-aware of my feelings and the way other people interacted with me and how they felt about me. that eventually i just had to stop trying so hard, i had to stop caring so much. it's strange, still being aware of how i feel but being somewhat distanced from those feelings. kind of like i'm this outside observer, looking in on myself. but not really being actively involved. i'm not sure if this is good. i mean, it's good for other people, has made other people happier. but as corey noted the other day, i put (certain) other people's feelings in front of my own, and they put their own feelings in front of mine. so where does that leave me? sometimes i think i let my happiness get too entangled in (certain) other people's, to the point where i can feel like what makes me happy is their happiness. which is sometimes okay, because i want my friends to be happy, but it's usually not okay, because i compromise myself. i have compromised myself so much in my life. because i'm passive. but i've gotten better, even since my freshman year here i can see the difference. i hope to find the balance i need someday. probably not while i'm here though.

speaking of corey, he and i decided the other night that we're going to work together on an organic farm in oregon for a year after we graduate. because it will simplify our lives, to where what's truly important is truly visible. because we refuse to buy into a master plan. and most importantly, because it will make us completely irrestible, because, come on... we'll be tan, and know how to cook fresh food, and will know when to pick tomatoes and zucchinis off the vine (not 2 days too early and not 2 days too late), and we'll use our free time to play the guitar and harmonica and be artistic and go on wonderfully outdoorsy travel adventures, like up to vancouver island and all around the pacific northwest. we'll both find beautiful, sweet, caring boys who will realize how truly amazing we are. all because we worked on an organic farm for a year. i can't wait.

well now, i'm feeling a bit more satiated in terms of not doing work. i will make the statement that i sort of wish i had somewhere good to go over thanksgiving. though i know i'll get all sorts of necessary things done if i stay here. but, it's like... i wanted someone to want to bring me home, or to their family, or to their friends. i hope i don't sound pathetic or anything, because i don't think i'm pitying myself. i know i can be independent and happy and i'll occupy my time just fine. it's just not quite as fun when there's a holiday involved. that's all.

okay, to work!

1:27am