13 may 1999
7:13pm
the hole inside of me

packing is too much for me right now. i've been trying all day to feel like i've accomplished something, but i feel empty. i feel disillusioned. with myself. with my friends. with my life. i don't know what i want, but i don't want to be empty. i want to be filled up.

so instead of packing i'm listening to dar. because she's talking to me right now.

you tried to make me doubt, to make me guess. tried
to make me feel like a little less.
oh i liked you when your soul was bared. i thought
you knew how to be scared.
and now it's amazing what you did to make me stay.
but truth is just like time, it catches up and
it just keeps going.
and i'm writing this. i don't know why i was compelled to write in this online journal. it's almost like i get this dialog in my head, speaking my thoughts in the way i would write them up here, the way i would want them to be read. read by whom? i have no idea who comes here to look at these thoughts of mine, if anyone comes at all. but i picture people i don't even know reading this, and liking me. i picture the people i know the best reading this, and understanding me better.

i don't know why i'm sad today. maybe it's because i ate lunch alone and almost felt like i had to, even though there were people i know around. maybe it's because as i was walking tonight, this thought popped into my head and would not go away: i am not beautiful. maybe it's because i feel like i'm the only one of my friends who is done, and they're resenting me, although i'm trying very conciously not to mention being done, or having free time. maybe it's because i feel like i'm the only one going home soon and i don't want to be the only one leaving. it's like, at some point, all of these people i love decided that they were going to stick around for awhile, and if only they had told me sooner i would have stayed too. but i'm going home to a place that i love but have very few human connections at. so maybe a wish for the summer is to meet new, beautiful people.

tonight i'm going to a gathering of friends, to spend a bit of time together before some of us leave. but there are important people who will not be there tonight because they are still working. and i felt anger from them tonight when discussing this. i want to cry

it's not my fault i'm done. and it's not my fault that you are not done.

but i'm hoping that tonight will be fun, and good for me. and maybe we can finally finish off the last of the 3 jugs of red wine left over from my poetryalajackkerouac party.

how i long to fall, just
a little bit,
to dance out of the lines and stray
from the light.

7:47pm

2:44am

just in case any of you were fretting, i have cheered. maybe it's the beer and zima, maybe it was the company of friends. in any case though, packing is still kicking my ass. ouch.

2:46am

12 may 1999 14 may 1999

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