18 may 1999
2:33pm
life in a box

well, here i am, back in lafayette, california. it took me awhile to start writing in this again. complete exhaustion combined with the inability of my father's computer to load my file directories. but i eventually found my way around that, although this method is much slower and i am much more sketchy on the whole process. maybe i'll start going to an internet cafe to do this, although the closest ones that i know about are in san francisco, which is a bit of an effort (and commute) to do every day, just to write for this.

so, feelings on being back. mixed, for sure. i truly love being in the bay area. it's a great place. but being home in the bay area is an entirely different thing altogether. i don't like feeling like i'm back in high school, which is actually kind of what i'm feeling right now. with my parents telling me what i should and shouldn't do, and what would be good for me, etc. and i feel so... inadequate when i'm out around this part of the bay area. everything here is about money, and the way you look, and what car you drive. although i grew up here, i feel much more at home now in berkeley. i guess it's because when i was in high school and such, i would make the effort to fit in, to disguise myself, to camouflage into the norm here. and so today, when my mother asked me to go to broadway plaza (the outdoor shopping center in the city next to mine) with her, i felt this almost panicky feeling, and i started frantically trying to look nicer. but even when we were there i knew i didn't belong. i felt so uncomfortable.

all of this is telling me that i need to look for a job someplace in berkeley, or even look for something where i will have to live there for the summer. i hate looking for a job. i really do. all i really want to do is travel this summer, to see the world around me. but, instead, i'll end up in some store selling crap to people, probably. i would be okay working in a bookstore, maybe, or in a natural foods store.

i know i've only been here for 3 days but i'm already so lonely. it's really tough to be pulled away for 3 months from friends i'm used to seeing every day. there's nobody here for me right now. i like to think of myself as so independent, and i think that maybe if i were living alone for the summer, like in an apartment or something in berkeley or san francisco, i'd be okay. but being at home makes me want friends to go out with, to escape the confines and expectations of family.

okay, i guess i should go be productive (another thing i always feel i must be around here). maybe go run errands, or look for a job. ugh. somebody save me.

2:49pm