19 may 1999
9:50pm
are you out there?

i talked to david last night. he called a bit after 10:30. it was so good to talk to him, to hear his voice and laugh with him and do a bit of wallowing in our common misery: boredom. man, i really want to see him this summer. it would be such a blast; we would have nothing but fun, i'm sure of it. while it doesn't quite seem feasible now, it's not something i'm willing to discount yet. i'll try to make it work. try to squeeze together the money and the time and the approval (yes, i still feel like i'm in high school now that i'm home again) to take a trip to iowa. i'd love it, i'm sure. the old man next to me on the plane to st.louis who hadn't flown since 1966 when he came back from the philipines told me that i should to go iowa. he was flying there to visit his brother, "before one of us dies and it's too late to visit," he said. i think i should take his advice.

today was as uneventful as yesterday. nothing to report, really. still don't have a job. still need to get out, get away. i think tomorrow i will go get all my hair cut off, as some sort of cleansing process for me. well, not all of it cut off. i've decided i would look utterly ridiculous with no hair, which is what has prevented me from shaving my head in the past. but, for now, i'm tired of this long long hair of mine. time to gain some freedom for the summer. and, if i decide i hate me with short hair, i will chalk it up to a learning experience and not worry too much, since my hair grows so darn fast.

tomorrow i am also going to bake vegan brownies. i would've made them tonight; i went to the store and everything to buy the ingredients we didn't have at home. and i came home and put all the stuff i need on the counter and was all ready to start... and then realized i forgot the fake egg stuff. stupid me. i was tempted to use white vinegar, which is what i use in my vegan chocolate cake instead of eggs, but i figured that since this was my first time making these i should probably stick to the recipe. ah well. something to look forward to tomorrow.

i need to start learning again. i need this summer to teach me something. something tangible, something intangible, whatever. educate me about nature, the world around me, myself. when i'm learning i feel fulfilled. so why am i often empty at swarthmore? what is taught to me in classes at swarthmore is often just facts, memorization, interesting in its own way. it's when i learn things fundamental to myself and the world, when the knowledge creates a story i can read and is timeless; those are the things that fill me up. i learn this from people and experiences, and occassionly from classes. i need people in this summer of mine, i need meaningful experiences.

10:13pm