30 may 1999
2:50pm
i talk a lot about sex in this one

it’s been awhile since i last wrote. dealing with roughing it has sucked a lot of my energy; man, they’re intense. my interview was over an hour long. and they asked some really random questions. but anyway. they hired me. i asked for the position they didn’t want me to take, since they’re desperate for a waterfront director. hello, me, a waterfront director? sure, i have my lifeguarding and wsi certificates, and i’ve taught swim lessons. those were the reasons they gave me for them wanting me to take the position. but the job description is all about how you have to have experience teaching canoeing, rowing, and fishing to kids. i’ve never fished in my life. i don’t know if i could deal with squealy kids catching fish and killing them. afterall, i am a vegetarian. canoeing and rowing? hi, i got my canoeing badge in girl scouts when i was in sixth grade. that’s 10 years ago. besides, waterfront has nothing to do with swimming, which would be my forte in a waterfront position. this is the lafayette reservior- nobody swims in that thing except for the catfish.

when you meet a new good friend,
it’s hard to tell the difference between
falling in love and wanting to fuck them
or just becoming really good friends.
quote from flaming iguanas: an illustrated all-girl road novel thing by erika lopez. i bought it yesterday afternoon. started reading it last night. finished it this morning. it was fun. but yes, that quote! hello, story of my life. i am plagued with not being able to decern between the two, fucking and friendship, until, like, it is way too late and i’ve already ruined something. either i’m best friends with someone i’d rather be kissing desperately, or i’m kissing someone i desperately just want to be friends with. yep, big old downfall. someday, maybe, i’ll get it right.

i’ve been wanting to make art recently. i cleaned my room last night (out of rage and through tears) and then wanted to light candles and sit at my desk and create a masterpiece. but i couldn’t even pick a medium, let alone what i wanted to make. so, instead, still feeling weepy and upset, i turned off all the lights, got out my headlamp, strapped it on, dove under the comforter and read some more flaming iguanas. then i tried to go to bed around 12:15, but since that is much earlier than i’ve been going to bed, i couldn’t sleep and started thinking about finances. so eventually i turned on the desk lamp and started going through receipts, trying to total them up. and then i realized i couldn’t find one, on went the overhead light and i started digging through the garbage can, convinced i had thrown it away during my cleaning tirade and feeling pathetic. and no, i didn’t find the receipt.

a quote about art, again from flaming iguanas:

do you know who bob ross was?
he would do an entire country scene in twenty-five minutes,
and the whole time his calm voice was talking about "happy phthalo green"
and "happy little water lines" and giving me
paintbrush chills all over my skin, to the tips of my fingers.
and when he whispered,
"... let the brush shake and tremble just a little bit,"
it was absolute art porn for me. / bravo, bob.
art is all about sensuality, and being a complete exhibitionist, if you’re any good at all. and we’re all the voyeurs, watching through our peep-holes as this person bares all, for us, wanting to. and of course the roles switch every once in awhile, there’s this constant shifting, as you become the exhibitionist, knowing that the voyeurs are watching because, hey!, you’re a voyeur too. it’s all good.

3:16pm

25 may 1999 05 june 1999

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