27 september 1999
8:23pm
leave me ecstacy

i haven't written here too recently... it's been a week, i guess. i've actually been writing much more than usual in my actual writen journal. there are things going on right now for me that i've been very reluctant to confront. to deal with. things involving people close to me. so, in this very reluctant and secretive mood i've been in, i guess writing in my real journal is a better release- a bit less public.

(and i'm still not so willing to talk here.
but know that these things are very close to my heart
and other people's hearts (possibly).
and i should have thought about this sooner.)

oh... time to go get my laundry. i'm in a cleansing mood. (that and i've run out of underwear.)

i went to a lecture/opening by lesley dill on thursday. it was really quite amazing. she combines words with her art, creating beautiful works that speak not only to your eyes but to your heart and mind. she often uses emily dickenson poems in the art, and seeing the words (which are art in and of themselves) expressed through art is a very powerful experience. it was all i could do during her lecture to write down the many amazing lines of poetry she read us, for i could hardly take my eyes off the slides.

take all of me... but leave me ecstacy
a falling star... that fell into my eyes... and through my body
how ruthless are the gentle

oh, i'm restless again. i don't know what i want. i think i need to leave swarthmore. at least for a day. wednesday, perhaps? i will go and wander and write and read and photograph. somewhere. i'm being unfullfilled by swarthmore, by some people, so going away, even for a day, will be good. and i really hope i get to leave and wander far away for october break.
i am saddened for feeling this restless this early in the semester. but i'm just not getting what i need here. not like i have any idea what i need, but i'd like to think i'll know it when i find it.
(though it's not true that i'm getting absolutely nothing i need... as i told david the other night after a long latenight talk- sometimes he's exactly what i need.)
unfortunately, i have a hard time being completely honest. but i can't talk about that right now.

9:05pm