June 30,
2002:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – today's
headlines:
ROSIE
HITS 300 lbs!
[courtesy National Enquirer]
2-HEADED
MAN RUNS FOR MAYOR . . . against HIMSELF!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
June 23, 2002:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse
the tabloids while
waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – today's
headlines:
ROBOT
PRIESTS
Pope's secret plan to stop sex scandals
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Mafia
running out of mobsters
Find
out how YOU can join -- INSIDE!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
TedF wrote Sun
16 Jun 2002 @14:05:01 CST:
My son, Hank, might be looking at the
Tab Headlines over my shoulder
in the office here at home, and say things like: "I saw
that one . . . "
or
"I read that story . . . " because whenever we're at Wal-Mart or the
gro-
cery
store, or stop
at a gas station, we'll find Hank with his nose in the
tabs – he
especially liked "Badminton Coach Fired for Using Real Bird-
ies." I probably would have unsubscribed long
ago if not for Hank.
Now, I'm a penny in for a pound. But I often delete
'em before Hank
sees 'em, so
I thought he might want to just get on your subscription list.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested
in intellectual dissection
of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf
Books just outside
Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every
Sunday. Guest
speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Osama
bin Laden, Mullah Omar Muhammad, Richard Reid, and
John
Walker Lindh.
June 16, 2002:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the
tabloids while
waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – today's
headlines:
DRUNK CHELSEA
PASSES OUT
[courtesy the Star]
TATUM O'NEAL AND
DAD RYAN SHARED SAME WOMAN
[courtesy National Examiner]
JAPAN WANTS TO BUY HAWAII
and turn our 50th state into WW2
theme park!
'Let's nip this in the bud,' says Prez Bush
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
OUTRAGE!
MOM HAS SON'S SEX CHANGED
'I
really wanted a girl'
BADMINTON
COACH FIRED FOR USING REAL BIRDIES!
ADOPTION AGENCY
SELLS SHAVED APES AS HUMAN BABIES!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
The third "Outrage!" above is worth a run to your neighborhood Ralph's
just for a look at the photo on the front page – Ed.
and, this week's special, headline plus article excerpts:
JESUS' LAST WILL
FOUND
. . . The document specifically notes
the year of Jesus'
Second Coming
– 2050 A.D. . . . Those who viewed the will say Jesus was
extraordi-
narily
generous, despite the mental anguish he suffered in the hours
be-
fore his arrest, carefully listing his meager possessions
and who was to
receive them when he was gone. "Each of his disciples –
including Ju-
das Iscariot –
received a shekel, with the instruction that it be used to
ease the suffering of the poor," noted the Vatican
insider
who helped
translate the will . . . . "In addition Jesus left . . . his favorite
donkey . . .
to Mary Magdalene . . . ."
[courtesy Weekly
World News]
June 9, 2002:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the
tabloids while
waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – today's
headlines:
SIX TOP BASEBALL STARS ARE GAY
'Boys of Summer' has taken on whole new
meaning
[Only
six? Sorry, folks, they don't name names – courtesy the Globe]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
HVELENOSI@aol.com wrote Sun 02 Jun 2002
@08:40:45 PDT
:
I begin to suspect that you open the "newspapers." The
headlines
on the front pages here covered none of these subjects. Are
you
buying and reading them?
For the benefit of our growing legion
of readers, we do buy
and read some
of these newspapers (but never more than one in a
week). If we did not,
you would not be able to enjoy the occasional special
feature "headline plus
article synopsis," or this week's special
feature, the Weekly World News'
"Editor's note" (or the explanation of the headline
"CONNIE
FRANCIS
CAUGHT IN PORN SCANDAL" a month or two ago).
But it is not true that the "headlines on the front
pages . . . covered
none of
these subjects" last week, and your suggestion that
such is the
case has hurt
our feelings. "BABY BORN WITH ANTLERS" was on the front page of the
Weekly World News,
verbatim, as was the reference to the "little dear," al-
though we did have
to go inside for the baby's name, which, nonetheless, was
in a
headline. Likewise "HEAD OF JOHN THE BAPTIST FOUND" was on
the front page, but we
had to go inside to find it "IN SECRET CAVE" – again,
in a headline
(and, we will admit, it said "HEAD OF JOHN THE BAPTIST"
on the front
page, and "JOHN THE BAPTIST'S HEAD," which we quoted, in-
side).
And today's headline from the Star was entirely
front page, verbatim. We
did
not buy the Star (and would
not. Ha! Ha!).
We scribbled the Star
headline on
the back page of our purchased Weekly World News.
But please let us add, in
addition to our injured feelings, that we are
immensely heartened to find that you
(and most of our other readers) are
paying attention! Thank you for your letter.
– The Editor
June 2, 2002:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the
tabloids while
waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – today's
headlines:
BABY BORN WITH
ANTLERS
'Rudolph's a
real dear,' say parents
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
DUMB GAL SUES
PARENTS FOR MAKING HER STUPID
Alleges 'stupidity gene' passed on; parents say daughter 'has a screw
loose'
[courtesy Weekly World News]
RICH WACKO USES
DEAD DWARF AS HOOD ORNAMENT
Editor's note: Weekly World News is
shocked and outraged over what Mr. Sweeney is doing and in no
way condones his behavior. We are merely reporting on this story
because people have a right to know.
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
JOHN THE
BAPTIST'S HEAD FOUND IN SECRET CAVE!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Crying
vision of Jesus warns:
I WILL
RETURN WITHIN WEEKS
Hundreds see Savior in sky over Church
of the Nativity
[courtesy the Star]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
a.ende@att.net wrote 26 May 2002
@07:31:52 CDT re the headline
"Martha Stewart & Daughter in Love With Same Man":
Hope it's not the father – is there
even a name for that kind of
activity (all in the family?)?
DISCUSSION GROUP:
All readers interested in intellectual
dissection of important
current events are invited to attend the
new Weekly World
News
Round Table at the offices of Borf Books just outside
Brownsville,
Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers lined up
for meetings in the near future include woman
picked up by UFO at
Sunfish Mall, Baby Rudolph, Baby Bob,
and witnesses to experimental
penguin surgery.